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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be over involved in the life of my work colleagues

34 replies

Stripyseagulls · 31/07/2019 05:51

I have a work colleague who is very involved in the lives of people at work- she likes to know everything that is going on and texts everyone personally, follows on social media etc. She isn’t a manager but has been before. She has kids & a busy life too but is one of those people who likes to be at the centre of everything.

The problem is that it’s creating a culture at work where there is almost an expectation that it’s normal. I really like my colleagues but I work full time and spend enough time there anyway & need emotional energy for my kids & myself & my life out of work.

There is now a work what’s app group & I feel obliged to comment on it and contribute as it seems like I am being aloof & distant if I don’t! But I don’t want to know all the ins and outs of my colleagues lives, as much as I like them!!

Aibu? I need boundaries where work is concerned & it feels like it’s all encroaching on my personal life!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/07/2019 05:53

Yanbu
Mute the whatsapp group and don't join in
Be polite at work obviously but you don't need to make friends

Tumbleweed101 · 31/07/2019 06:01

We’ve got a group chat for work. Some people are on it all the time talking about anything, others are never on it at all unless they have a work query. I don’t think there’s any expectation for the ‘quiet’ users to get more involved.

Keep your out of work boundaries in place, I don’t think anyone thinks anything of it except you have a good social life out of the work circle.

Bezalelle · 31/07/2019 06:42

I feel obliged to comment on it and contribute as it seems like I am being aloof & distant if I don’t

Well, stop feeling obliged. There isn't a gun to your head!

Chamomileteaplease · 31/07/2019 06:47

If you are pleasant and friendly at work I really don't think anyone will think any worse of you for not joining in inane rubbish on a whatsapp group! Just don't post Smile

Nautiloid · 31/07/2019 06:53

YANBU. Everyone in my office seems to be connected on social media. I refuse requests, just don't want that level of involvement.
It doesn't seem to have done my relationships at work any harm.

absofuckinglutley · 31/07/2019 06:58

No, YANBU. Work WhatsApp groups can be a recipe for disaster. I work in a predominantly female environment which is bloody hard work as it is. I am one of those whose likes to crack on with work seen as that's what we are there for.....I'm not unfriendly but I don't want to stand gossiping with some people who I don't really like that much to be honest. Unfortunately for me, some people don't share my work ethic. God I sound like a miserable twat haha

floribunda18 · 31/07/2019 07:00

YANBU. I get on with my colleagues but really don't want to chat on social media with them outside work. IME it leads to an unhealthy lack of separation between work and home life, and people expected to be "on" all the time and answering work questions outside working hours. I was on a Whatsapp group with colleagues in another job but it felt very intense and that I was never away from work, even at the weekend. Only for people who have no life outside work.

SadieContrary · 31/07/2019 07:01

I don't know why you feel obliged. I'm in the work whatsapp group but I rarely comment on it. I have it muted.
No one is upset by my lack of participation in it. Don't worry about it

MyNewBearTotoro · 31/07/2019 07:02

YANBU not to want to mix socially with your colleagues, but YABU to try and blame your feelings of obligation to socialise on colleagues.

It’s totally normal for some people to want to form friendships at work. I’m in a work WhatsApp group with my team and would class myself as good friends with several of my colleagues. There’s no obligation for everyone on the chat to contribute equally and some people don’t say much.

If you don’t want to be a part of the group you’re within your rights to leave it, or mute and ignore, but don’t try and blame your colleague for becoming over involved and crossing boundaries if you haven’t actually done anything to put boundaries in place. Taking an interest in the lives of your colleagues and staying in touch after work is a normal thing in lots of work places so your colleague is not being unreasonable and she can’t know you’re not interested in socialising outside of work unless you stand up for yourself and speak up.

MajesticWhine · 31/07/2019 07:03

YANBU - just don't comment. I would hate this level of oversharing. Leave them to it and don't get sucked in.

BeanBag7 · 31/07/2019 07:04

How many people in the WhatsApp group? 5 or more and nobody would notice you not responding. Even if they do, who cares if they think you're "aloof"?

saraclara · 31/07/2019 07:06

I kept work and home almost entirely separate. Yet my team still seemed you like and get on with me. As long as you show a reasonable amount of interest and care for those having a rough time for any reason, you really don't have to get too involved or have to share anything you don't want to.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 31/07/2019 07:07

The idea of being in a work WhatsApp group leaves me absolutely cold. I have a few friends from work and we text and have SM in common, but there's no group as such.

Basically, if work want my attention 24/7, then they need to pay me 24/7. Until then, outside work is exactly that.

surlycurly · 31/07/2019 07:12

My colleagues have this on FB. I'm not on it. I don't care if it makes me look aloof. It's a job, not a family. I am polite and professional with everyone that I need to be but I avoid mixing my personal life with theirs

LadyPenelope68 · 31/07/2019 07:12

Hate things like this. My work life and home life are totally separate, I want to keep it that way. I have some colleagues who I really get in well with, others less so, but even then I don’t want to socialise with them. I hate when nights out are arranged and there’s an expectation you go.

user1474894224 · 31/07/2019 07:12

I would be on the what's app group....my view is you spend 8-10 hours a day with these people 5 days a week ..... it's nice to connect and get on. My OH goes to work and cones home....no interest in social interaction....he didn't even tell his boss we got married recently. He gets on OK at work. Just different styles. Both are ok.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 31/07/2019 07:12

I guess I am trying to strike a balance between being a good, engaged colleague and also being private & boundaries! There is pressure to be involved & to contribute. There are 20 people in the WhatsApp group & it’s like everyone has discovered a new toy! Manager is also in it and loves it 🙄
Am finding it’s adding extra stress to my life to be honest!

OP posts:
DidntAskToBe · 31/07/2019 07:13

Why do you feel obliged? I think this is more your problem than anything else.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 31/07/2019 07:14

@didntask because my manager is in the group & loves it! It’s like an extension of work

OP posts:
DidntAskToBe · 31/07/2019 07:14

If the group is new, the novelty will wear off. If there are 20 people I'm pretty sure no one is keeping tabs on who is replying or not.

You just need to not get involved, you certainly don't need to justify yourself (if you're feeling that you do).

SeaEagle21 · 31/07/2019 07:15

Let them think you're aloof ! Work and personal lives should be separate - getting mixed up with your work mate's lives is a sure way to court problems. I can guarantee that not everybody at your work is on this WhatsApp group , so don't you feel obliged to get involved in it.

In my workplace I have a personal mantra which is "be friendly but don't be friends" . I'm not there to make lifelong besties, just to do my work and get paid for it. I'd suggest that you should do the same.

DidntAskToBe · 31/07/2019 07:16

So what are they actually talking about?

I presume people realise that not everyone is checking their phone all the time when out of work.

If you are respected at work then I really don't think you need to worry about this.

SadieContrary · 31/07/2019 07:17

OP, you're overthinking this. My manager is in my work whatsapp too. She regularly contributes, I don't.

I guarantee my colleagues think better of me because I've gone on a baking spree at the wknd and returned to work with some for everyone to have with a cuppa than posting some meme/comment on a whatsapp group.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 31/07/2019 07:19

@DidntAskToBe it’s a mix of sharing work related articles & news and gossip 😬

OP posts:
elizabethdraper · 31/07/2019 07:20

I left the work WhatsApp group and as a far as everyone is aware I don't have a social media presence.

I have some very good friends in work, that I see outside work but I have no interest in random work colleagues lives