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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My neighbour just died.

53 replies

Candymay · 31/07/2019 01:07

My neighbour died today. He was not old. It looks like an accidental overdose. I was called by his panicked lodger and I tried to see if I could save him. I think he had been dead a while although she said he was breathing moments before. I feel very sad seeing him like that and I feel almost like I have intruded on him. But I had to help out and try to comfort the lodger who was in a terrible state of shock and distress. I feel strangely calm despite this event and that doesn’t feel right. I felt a bit cold because I managed to check his body and call the police and talk to his friends etc. I don’t know why I’m writing on here. Just to share with strangers so I hope no one minds me writing it here. I really hope I’m not upsetting or offending anyone. I don’t have anyone to talk to apart from the children and I’m trying to keep them from any distress.

OP posts:

TwistyTop · 31/07/2019 08:07

There's no "right" way to feel when something like this happens. It's never how you expect it would be. And in these situations someone has to be practical and check the person, make the phone calls etc. Its great that you did that, you've hugely helped the lodger out. You did a good thing.

As others have suggested the Samaritans are great to talk to about stuff like this.

Kko1986 · 31/07/2019 08:55

First off you are amazing , you are not cold at all and this will hit you so be ready. We have a fight of flight instinct and you took charge well done xx

stucknoue · 31/07/2019 09:24

. Remember there are people you can talk to irl the police and drs can point you in the right direction, and can support you if you need to make a statement to the coroners office etc

RighteousSista · 31/07/2019 09:33

Thinking of you OK you did the right thing and it is great.The support you provided to the lodger.

Be kind to yourself but expect the emotions to start processing over the next few days. There might be a local support group for traumatic situations like this maybe on your council's website?

RighteousSista · 31/07/2019 09:34

OP not Ok

DogHasEatenTheSqueaker · 31/07/2019 09:39

I really feel for you, horrible, awful experience.

I found a partner dead from an overdose and had to go through the motions of trying to resuscitate (he had been dead for about 12 hours, but being young at the time I called an ambulance in panic). When the police arrived they advised me to go to my GP and let them know what had happened, as I’d probably be hit with shock and they often see it manifest in physical symptoms.

Whilst physically i was ok, emotionally it really did knock me for six a bit. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s not something you ever expect to have to deal with and you did amazingly well. Do you have someone you can talk to in RL and have as your ‘phone a friend’ if you have a wobble?

Xxx

AnnonniMoose · 31/07/2019 09:42

The 'coldness' would be shock OP. I know the morning my DH passed, I was the same. Calmly did CPR, called 999, spoke to the police, paramedics etc. Almost as I was detached from it all. It only really hit me when I had to phone his DM, and I broke down.

For you - it is a great shock. Take care of yourself.

Aozora13 · 31/07/2019 09:42

Just to echo what others are saying, remaining calm in a crisis and doing what needs to be done is not coldness it’s a really positive thing. I’m sure the lodger is incredibly grateful for what you did. You might find that once the adrenaline wears off you find you go all to pieces so just look after yourself. And for your neighbour. So sad.

MidsomerBurgers · 31/07/2019 09:50

Well done OP. You dealt with it well.

I'm a HCP and I also go cool, calm and collected in an emergency. It's after everything is dealt with that I start to shake.

Please keep talking, don't bottle it up. You can also contact Samaritans for yourself if you need an unbiased ear.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiq_1quPe4wIVCbDtCh2WSwgGEAAYASABEgJ94vD_BwE

LadyBumclock · 31/07/2019 10:10

Oh OP you did brilliantly and came to do what the poor lodger needed you to do at the time. You're not cold, you're calm in a crisis - some people are. (I'm an emotional person and cry easily but in extreme situations I tend to stay calm - maybe my brain just shuts down the emotion as it would be too much.)

It doesn't mean it hasn't affected you of course - as PPs have said, you've had a shock and need to take care of yourself and process it. Eat well, try to get sleep, be prepared for tears to come at some point. Do you have a pet, or access to someone else's? Petting a cat or dog can really help too, genuinely.

weaselwords · 31/07/2019 10:10

I’d echo what MidsomerBurgers has said. You’ve dissociated to cope with the situation. How you really feel will come out later. Let it. You’ve had to deal with an awful situation. Don’t bottle it up or suppress it for your mental health. Keep talking

TSSDNCOP · 31/07/2019 10:15

I actually know that feeling OP. I did CPR on my neighbour with (thank you every day) over the phone help from the emergency operator. It was a crazy experience, I had left the house with DS to walk to school, and after I'd done it and the emergency team took over I proceeded to the school and then to work.

He died and a policewoman came to my house to thank me. That felt very wrong, but she said you'd be surprised how many people don't.

So, be kind to your mind today. You did really good in a hopeless circumstance, and that's all any of us can offer.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/07/2019 10:19

I am glad you went to the lodger to help.
You're probably in shock at the minute not knowing how to feel.
The reality of it will probably hit you later, have you someone at home?

trixiebelden77 · 31/07/2019 10:28

My goodness I’m sorry.

Well done. What a stressful situation.

Madmilkmaid · 31/07/2019 10:59

So sorry, its an awful experience. I found my friend dead at home and like you I just got on with it. It took a while for it all to actually hit me. I still think about it several times a week.
Please make sure u talk it through with someone. A friend or OH.

Kolo · 31/07/2019 10:59

Like everyone else is saying, you stepped up and handled yourself very well, but are probably in shock now. It’s very traumatic to watch someone die, or to deal with a person who has died. You’ll need some time to come to terms with it. The ‘coldness’ you describe sounds much more like ‘autopilot’ or being methodical and practical despite your internal emotions. Try to keep talking about it and be kind to yourself.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 31/07/2019 11:11

You are a mum and so stayed calm in a crisis be proud of yourself
Other emotions may kick in a few days

Original poster

Candymay · 31/07/2019 11:57

Thank you so much everyone for the kindness and support. And I'm so sorry to the people who have been through this with loved ones.
Sadly last month my beloved cat died and I am still in shock and grieving about him.
I did not sleep well as you can imagine and I have the images in my mind. The thing is that if I am needed by anyone- even a complete stranger- I am absolutely always there for them. So the lodger wants to come to me again today and wants me to help her with things in the house etc. She is much younger than me and was extremely distressed. My children were alone here for hours but I was at the front door so keeping an eye but it hasn't really sunk in.
And thank you for the Samaritans details. I would not have thought of them as a resource. I do feel guilty talking about it - even here with all these lovely responses- because I don't want others to be troubled.
The lodger and some of the neighbours other friends want to come here today.
Also regarding the police - I am so surprised that they are not investigating. They say it is up to the coroner but that their job is finished. This is despite suspicion amongst friends etc.

OP posts:

MidsomerBurgers · 31/07/2019 13:18

If you want or need to help others, you also need to help yourself OP. Take it easy. You are also not responsible for the lodger, you and your children must come first.

Pywife2 · 31/07/2019 13:19

Do take care of yourself, you have done all you could in a terrible situation. I hope your family and friends are around to offer support x

joystir59 · 31/07/2019 13:21

The Samaritans will be happy to take your genuine call about this shocking and sad event

Original poster

Candymay · 31/07/2019 13:24

Yes I’m trying to put my children first. I’m about to take them to the park and get a picnic on the way. I don’t have many friends in real life so not going to be able to talk it through until tomorrow maybe.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 31/07/2019 14:29

@Candymay as in his death was suspicious?! Their lack of interest seems bizarre if that’s the case!

Re: the lodger. You’re very kind but only give as much of yourself as you can. Harsh as it sounds, none of this is your job. Take care of yourself too

Original poster

Candymay · 31/07/2019 16:29

I thought the police would be watching his friends and asking them questions but they seemed really content to see it as an accidental overdose. They have left the home to his friends and said they are finished there.
They did say it was up to the coroner to investigate if needed. It’s strange because there was criminal activity in the home - drugs- and yet they didn’t seem interested in investigating anything. It probably was accidental but it’s not completely clear to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Candymay · 31/07/2019 16:31

And yes, I will try not to get too involved with the lodger because I need to look after my own family. I’m the type of person who helps anyone in need but I’ll try to keep boundaries.

OP posts:

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