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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my step-brother for being a freeloader?

37 replies

AhsokaTano5 · 30/07/2019 22:01

I live with my Mum, Step-Dad and 10 year old sister. For the past few weeks, my step-dad's son (18, like me) has been living with us after getting kicked out by his mother. He's been (frankly) completely out of it for the last couple of years - he only got 2 GCSEs, stopped attending college just a couple of weeks in, and since then has held odd part-time jobs on and off; sometimes going months at a time without working at all!!

He wants to join the army, and has been trying to get in with a few issues, but as I understand it, he's still scheduled to be going in for a sort of "taster weekend" in August. But none of that is set in stone, and for now, he doesn't have a job at all, and spends all day playing video games or watching TV (not waking up until 12 in the afternoon, might I add!). My Step-Dad finally blew his top this morning, and told him he wasn't putting in any effort, was here for nothing, etc. He doesn't even do any housework either.

I do get on well with my step-brother (he's not a horrible kid unless he's having an argument with someone), but I really can't stand to see what's he doing to my Step-Dad and especially my Mother, whose said she's so angry she feels sick. I can see it's really stressing her out.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is to ask if any of you have had similar experiences and how they turned out. Do you think my parents are being too harsh on him? Also, because of how annoyed I am with him, I was seriously considering not hanging out with him until he does something and stops causing my parents so much pain. Would this be unreasonable considering that it must seem like I'm the last person in the world who cares about him? (No friends, no girlfriend, the rest of his family angry with him)?

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 31/07/2019 00:12

I get the frustration, but he sounds depressed.

Put yourself in his shoes for a second... He failed most of his GCSEs. He's been rejected by his MOTHER (that's really hard) and now his father and his new family are all angry with him too.

I get that he's wasting his life. I get that he's not contributing. But I also think he needs some kindness and some encouragement and some support.

78percentLindt · 31/07/2019 00:20

He does sound like he is very down and need support. Could you suggest that you do some chores together? Or cook a meal together for all the family. He needs to make a move towards your parents but he probably feels it is too hard at the moment.

Rtmhwales · 31/07/2019 00:26

He's not a horrible kid? He's the same age as you. TBH you sound like you think you're quite a bit better than him.

You're both eighteen, still figuring life out. Could you try to be more encouraging, help him figure out what he wants to do with his life?

MarieFromStTropez · 31/07/2019 00:28

It sounds like he's having a horrible time.

Witchinaditch · 31/07/2019 20:25

Sounds like you’re the step mum writing this but don’t want to admit it as mumsnet is anti step parent! Your writing style doesn’t sound of an 18 year old. Either way sounds like a tough position only one him and his father can sort out.

Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:28

Witchinaditch I can see why you'd say that but I give you my word I am who I say I am. I agree about the last part - my Mum said that if my step-brother doesn't get into the army, and has nowhere to go, my Step-Dad and him might have to move out together. I think this is completely unfair on both her, and my 10 year old sister, too (my Step-Dad is her father). It's not fair that their quality of life is spoiled because of my step-brother's unwillingness to improve his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:32

@Rtmhwales

Sorry, poor choice of wording on my behalf. If none of his family have been able to, I very much doubt I'd be able to help him decide what to do in life; you have to bear in mind that I'm 7 months younger than him, and though it might not seem like much, the power dynamic between us has always been tipped slightly in his favour (also due to the fact he can be a lot more aggressive than I can).

OP posts:
Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:34

@78percentLindt

It's a great idea, but if I asked him I know for a fact he'd go, "Nah, I'm alright, mate." He honestly just wants to sleep, play video games, and watch Netflix. He comes out of his room only to make a fried egg sandwich when he wakes up, or go on a cycle (although these have been getting less and less frequent!)

OP posts:
Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:42

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe

I forgot to mention - after him and my Step-Dad had a huge row a few weeks ago, the latter took him to the doctors', believing him to be depressed. I'm not actually sure if he's been officially diagnosed or not, but he's only gone back a couple of times and doesn't seem to be taking any medication. Depression would make a lot of sense after everything he's been through.

I agree with the "kindness" point, too - I've heard that his own mother was very nasty to him, and now that everyone else is cross with him, too, it might just be what he needs to get back on his feet. The only problem is I don't think my parents would take me seriously if I suggested that, and at the end of the day, it's not really my place to get too involved. Whether I would end up helping or not isn't the point :(

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 31/07/2019 22:49

He’s trying, he’s got a career weekend with the army and he’s presumably got no medical or physical issues to prevent him getting accepted.

Don’t try to parent him just be a friend. Your mum shouldn’t (in my opinion) be discussing her issues with her partner to you her adolescent daughter. Not sure what he’s done that would result in her kicking him and her partner out? Either way, lots of kids seem to lack focus and become successful. I know a man who lacked focus and education who joined the army and now earns good money with all the qualifications he failed to get at a younger age. He doesn’t regret his choices.

Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:52

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax

I'm her adolescent son, not daughter. Also, she's not kicking him and my Step-Dad out at all; the bit about them moving out together was my Step-Dad's idea. It's also not a certainty by any means and would only happen as a last resort.

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 31/07/2019 22:54

Apologies - I mixed it up in my head!

Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 22:56

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax

Also, we're not sure he'll be able to get into the army, as it seems very likely at this point that he has some form of depression. He was initially denied entry due to an injury he sustained at the beginning of this year, but he appealed and was successful so who knows.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 31/07/2019 23:29

As has been said, you seem to think you re better than him. As his behaviour does n’t impact on you, it’s not really any of your business.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 23:33

Why don't you suggest you both get fit? He will have to pass a fitness test if he has an interview for the forces. Perhaps join a gym together and go for a run? You're his age - you could make a huge difference to his life.

Iflyaway · 31/07/2019 23:46

he doesn't have a job at all, and spends all day playing video games or watching TV (not waking up until 12 in the afternoon,

FFS what is it with parents these days that think this is some kind of normal behaviour for their kids to get into??
They are giving him the OK this is life.... Crazy!

Then this:

As his behaviour does n’t impact on you, it’s not really any of your business.

LOL. Britain is really fucked.…. with these kind of attitudes.

Thank fuck I am out of it and taught my son as a single mum he has to make his own way in life. (I gave him the tools).

You can slag me off all you like but good luck with Brexshit.

Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 23:54

@Iflyaway

My parents don't think it's normal at all. As I said, they're really stressed and angry about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 31/07/2019 23:56

You're his age - you could make a huge difference to his life.

Exactly! That at least is one reason as to why this situation could somewhat be considered my business.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 01/08/2019 00:04

OP, you sound lovely, but you need to live your own life.

You can only help someone who wants it.

haggistramp · 01/08/2019 00:05

Your brother sounds like exactly like my son. Even down yo joining the army. Unfortunately I've not good good news. Although my ds has managed to get a job (I use that word loosely, I got him a job and have to pester him to get up for it) he has grown more verbally sbusive towards me to the point that I'm asking him to leave. But its catch 22 as I font think ds will keep his job if I'm not there to get him up for it. My ds is 19 now and I've tried to extra help him for the last 5 years but enough is enough. Good luck with your dbro though.

mummmy2017 · 01/08/2019 00:06

Remind him he needs to be fit to get in, so ask him if he wants to go for a run, swim or cycle.
Maybe have a bet on it, last one back does the dishes.....

Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 01/08/2019 00:08

@mummy2017

Quite like that idea - he's declined all my invites to go out since he's been here. I'll ask him but I can't guarantee anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
AhsokaTano5 · 01/08/2019 00:09

@haggistramp

Sorry to hear about your son. Why wasn't he able to join the army full-time in the end?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 01/08/2019 00:11

I forgot to mention - after him and my Step-Dad had a huge row a few weeks ago, the latter took him to the doctors', believing him to be depressed. I'm not actually sure if he's been officially diagnosed or not, but he's only gone back a couple of times and doesn't seem to be taking any medication. Depression would make a lot of sense after everything he's been through

The army is incredibly (and unfairly, some would say) harsh on what it calls 'psychiatric disorders' so if any of that is true, and there is now a medical record, unfortunately he probably won't get in. All for what?

Iflyaway · 01/08/2019 00:13

My parents don't think it's normal at all. As I said, they're really stressed and angry about it.

But they don't see that they are enabling it...

Maybe just a way of difussing their own troubled relationship?

Hope you are in higher education. Wish you all the best!