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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

children not invited to family gatherings

32 replies

bumum · 30/07/2019 17:53

My two children are 9 and 4. My husband comes from a large family (he has 4 siblings) and the children have many cousins on this side (7). His family all live in close proximity of each other but we live further away - it takes about 3hrs to drive there. As the years have progressed, I have noticed that we do not get invited to family occasions in the way that we once were. In the past we would go for birthday parties for cousins or grandparents as much as we could (which was most of the time) and my children are used to travelling long distances in the car as we have never lived close to them. But as time has gone on, I notice photos popping up on social media of the family gathering for a cousin's birthday or a grandparent's birthday and we haven't even been invited. I can't help but feel hurt, and I know that if my children knew they were missing out on something that all their other cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents from my husbands side were at they would be really confused as to why they were not there. A few weeks ago we did make the journey for the youngest cousin's first birthday and all my husband;s family were really surprised we were there and that we had made the journey. We laughed and said of course we would come, that the journey is not a big deal. Today is their Grandfather's birthday and on social media photographs have been posted of all the family having a big day out together to celebrate. Again we were not invited, even though it's the school holidays and we would have been free to attend. I can't help but feel that my children are being cut out of time with their family and it upsets me. I think it is even more important to me because they have no cousins on my side of the family so it's not as though they have other cousins to spend time with. AIBU over this? My husband did question it a few months ago and the reply he got from his mum was that we lived so far away it was just too much to expect us to come and make the journey. As a family they never visit us, even if asked repeatedly, so making the effort to visit them has been really the only way to keep in touch. Surely they should give us the choice to decide if we will make the journey at all. To just not invite us at all seems a bit hurtful and removes the choice for us. Would love to hear what anybody thinks about this. Thank you.

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 30/07/2019 17:55

It's not the DC who are being excluded. It's all of you. I'm guessing they are all popping in and out of each others houses all the time and therefore plans for birthdays and other events are simply made casually. Then you get left out.

Your DH should explain to MIL that you really don't mind the drive and wherever possible you'd love to come up and take part.

Do you have a family WhatsApp? If not, create one. Inevitably then general organisation happens on there and you can be involved.

Teachermaths · 30/07/2019 18:11

I think part of this is the distance. A 6 hour round trip for a meal out is a bloody long time!!

Teachermaths · 30/07/2019 18:13

The fact they all live near assumes you moved away. This is something you have to consider when moving such a distance.

I wouldn't invite you to everything either tbh. It's a long journey no matter if you are happy making it. Your kids won't be.

Barbie222 · 30/07/2019 19:15

I have to say, I wouldn't invite you if you lived 3 hours away and I think that the 6 hour drive for a day is going to be boring for your kids. I would be more surprised if I was invited, tbh.

Original poster

bumum · 30/07/2019 19:38

The kids are more than happy to do it because they love to see their family. A dvd on the way and the time shoots from their point of view. I can understand a meal, but those are not the sort of events I am talking about. I mean a midday start and an 8pm finish, they make them into whole day gatherings. So in the past the kids have slept on the way home. My husband went away to uni and never returned to live at home again so not exactly a specific move away. My family are scattered all over so we are used to travel to see each other. It's the norm from my side. Does it mean that because we live further away we should not expect to ever see them? We aren't expecting them to make the journey (although we do invite) but if we don't then how would we ever see them? Or is it expected that if there is a distance then we should just not bother?

OP posts:

AnotherSmother · 30/07/2019 20:57

That's awful that you're not invited to the big gatherings. I can understand just a meal but not the bigger dos or if you rejected every single invite they had sent for the big parties. They should at least extend the invite so you're all included. I'm surprised they have carried on excluding your family after you talked to them. Maybe they feel that they would have to make the effort to come to you if you were always making the trip and they don't want to do the journey???
I don't think you're BU. I'd be pretty hurt to see family photos on social media of big events and to not have been given a second thought to be invited. It's horrible to feel excluded. It should be your choice if the journey is too much. They shouldn't take that choice away from you. You should make it more well known and clear to everyone that you would like to be invited as you're all happy to make the trip. It's not unreasonable to want to keep in touch with family!

Fraggling · 30/07/2019 21:05

I think this is a bit odd.

I'd have thought they'd invite you, even if assuming you won't come.

I think dh needs another chat with his mum? I'd have thought anyone would understand why it feels not great to not be invited to all this stuff?

I can understand why you're hurt.

scaryteacher · 30/07/2019 21:10

You could use the nuclear option and ask your mil if she is happy to have no relationship with her ds and dgcs, as this is where this is heading if you don't get invited to things.

We lived 3.5 hours from pils and my Mum when ds was small, but both sides made the journeys, as we were Forces families on both sides, and travelling to see family is part of that.

Halloumiwrap · 30/07/2019 21:11

But surely you know when the Grandfather’s Birthday is. Did you or your husband contact any of his family in advance to say “what are we doing for GFs birthday”?
I think you need to be more active in the planning if you want to be included and not just wait for an invite.

Taswama · 30/07/2019 21:17

The family WhatsApp is a good idea.

sleepylittlebunnies · 30/07/2019 21:24

If they would be happy to have you come to these family gatherings then they should be inviting you. It is entirely up to you whether you accept the invitation. I think they are being rude and since you told them you want to attend gatherings they are being self centred and excluding to not invite you. The invite can be a very informal text but it makes you all feel wanted.

I can fully understand you feeling left out. I’ve had this with family, not invited because I work a lot of weekends. But seeing the happy photos on FB does hurt. I usually like and comment that it looks fun and the kids would have enjoyed it.

OhMyDarling · 30/07/2019 21:26

I totally understand you OP.
My mums family all live 1.5 hrs away in a touristy town. They all moved away separately and have all ended up in the same town a few moves later.
We never get invited to ANYTHING.
My mum cries a river every time. Breaks her heart.
We visit the town they live in regularly, tell them we are planning a visit for whatever reason, invite them along. They usually agree then cancel on the day. They never visit us despite invites.
My siblings and I don’t know our cousins. They are all maids of honour for each other, god parents for each other’s kids.
My mum cared for everyone of her siblings when each of them were chucked out of the care system as older teenagers. They all had so many issues that she got them through. Worked 3 jobs to help each of them get a deposit to rent a flat after having them living with her as long as they needed.
Now they are older, have adult kids, have money, they ignore her and our existence.
Families are shit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/07/2019 21:35

I would feel left out too. Perhaps be more proactive and see if they start inviting you again automatically. So, next time a birthday is coming up get in touch with their family (not your MIL) and see what is planned and say you are happy to come.

Fucket · 30/07/2019 21:36

Hmmm, well I dont think they are BU, and I don’t think you are BU to be upset either. But I think it is odd that you would be willing to do all that driving, to be involved in these fairly recurring events, and not invest time in forging relationships with people around you where you now life.

You maybe related by blood but that’s about it now isn’t it. Much like friends from school drift apart when some go off to university at the other end of the country.

It’s sad, but to be blunt you moved and they didn’t and they are not obliged to think of you as close family anymore because you are a) not closeby and b) not involved in the day-to-day life of where they live. C) and it’s not normal to go to that much effort to visit relations the other end of the country.

Leeds2 · 30/07/2019 21:43

When you say that, for the youngest cousin's party, family "were really surprised that you were there," who told you about the event? Is it a possibility that MIL has told other family members that you don't want to do the journey, so they don't invite you to avoid putting you to any embarrassment in declining?
Would you be prepared to say, on social media and in response to a party to which you weren't invited, "Where was our invite?"

bridgetreilly · 30/07/2019 21:59

I have a lot more cousins than your children, OP. Some of them I know fairly well, some hardly at all. I can't honestly say that cousin-relationships are the most important thing. Grandparents is weird, though. I would be more pro-active about that, not so much insisting being invited to everything, just making sure you have regular trips for the children to see them.

phoenixrosehere · 30/07/2019 22:11

YANBU.

The whole “you all moved away so don’t expect much is absolute bs.” I live in a different country from my family and have done for almost seven years and I’m still invited and tagged to different family events because regardless if I can make it or not, I’m still family. My in-laws live 4.5 -8 hours (depending on what part of the day we leave) and we’re still invited to things. Husband and bil both lived in different countries for awhile while sil stayed nearby. Bil moved back a few years ago with wife and nephew and live 30 min away. We all have a group chat on Facebook messenger. We drive up about four to five times a year to see everyone. PILs visit us twice a year (both retired, but fil has hobbies he enjoys and mil watches her other grandchildren when she’s not having lunches with her sisters) and take the train down and bil and sil haven’t been down, but we understand it is because they and their spouses both work and one has a kid in school whereas I’m a sahm, our sons aren’t in school (oldest starts reception this September) and their brother can arrange to work from home.

It takes a simple text to invite someone to an event. It’s not exactly a hardship.

Kindlethefourth · 30/07/2019 22:13

This is us too. DH is the only one of a large family who moved away to uni and didn't come back. Whilst we have been invited to most immediate family events there have been some who just presumed we wouldn't travel and we have not been invited on that basis. I am relieved but it hurts DH who has spent decades up and down the motorway especially when DDS were babies. I do think that as children get older and busier it doesn't become so much of an issue.

Redyoyo · 30/07/2019 22:26

There's nothing to stop you phoning MIL or DH phoning and asking whats are we doing for XX birthday, if you do it once or twice you would surely be invited to the next thing, maybe they think you are not interested because you don't ask.

user1493494961 · 30/07/2019 22:31

How close is DH with his parents and siblings, does he have much contact with them usually. I agree with pp surely he knew when Grandad's birthday was. I think you need to be a bit more proactive if you want to go to these gatherings.

tobypercy · 30/07/2019 22:59

We all tend to assume (without really thinking about it) that if we feel a certain way, so does everyone else. They obviously feel it's too far for them to travel... so they would probably assume you wouldn't want to come, and possibly also feel like they were putting you under pressure if they invite you.

By now they should have realised that you don't share their feelings... but clearly they haven't.

Since you feel differently it's up to you to try and make the change. Have the discussion, very specifically, that you're happy to make the trip and that you are feeling left out and even excluded because you're not invited. Reassure them that you feel able to say no if it isn't convenient on a particular occasion.by

scaryteacher · 30/07/2019 23:09

Fucket It’s sad, but to be blunt you moved and they didn’t and they are not obliged to think of you as close family anymore because you are a) not closeby and b) not involved in the day-to-day life of where they live. C) and it’s not normal to go to that much effort to visit relations the other end of the country.

Bollocks.

People move for work and have done for decades. My parents did in the 60s, as did dh's parents in the 50s. We spent holidays trekking up to where the gps were by car or train to stay with them, and so we could maintain that relationship. Both my parents were only children, so that might have made a difference.

I live in a different country to my Mum, as does my db (who lives in the same country as me). I see more of my Mum( and speak to her twice a day), than I do of my db, despite being 45 minutes from db, and a day away from dm.

I make an effort to go back and see family; I had to take ds to the UK this weekend, and tagged on a visit to a family member, whom I hadn't managed to catch up with recently. I'll see Mum again in August and September, and lots in October, when we move back to the UK.

wafflyversatile · 30/07/2019 23:12

When it is my mums birthday or whatever my siblings just tootle up there and the other siblings may or may not be there. Are these informal last minute gatherings? Do you or dh chat on the phone to them weekly?

Either way you are where you're at. You know when peoples birthdays are so youre going to have to be more pro active.

I'm the one who moved away so it's up to me as my dad often reminds me!

EdtheBear · 30/07/2019 23:16

I think you need to be more pro-active, surely you knew DGF had a birthday coming up?

What about your own kids birthdays, do you hold parties and invite the family either in your new town or old?

Family What's App group might be the way forward.

TwistyTop · 30/07/2019 23:26

I live in Australia. The rest of my family are still in the UK. I keep in very regular contact with family, especially now we have a DC on the way. I'm having a little chuckle to myself here at the posters saying that 3 hours drive is such a ridiculously long way that OP shouldn't expect invitations to any family events. Good grief!

YANBU at all. I would feel very hurt in your situation. I think your DH needs to confront them about it. It could be that they just aren't thinking about it, or as someone else has said they arrange stuff on an ad-hoc basis in person. If DH tells them to include you and then they continue to do this, then I would take it personally I'm afraid.

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