children not invited to family gatherings

[bumum]

My two children are 9 and 4. My husband comes from a large family (he has 4 siblings) and the children have many cousins on this side (7). His family all live in close proximity of each other but we live further away - it takes about 3hrs to drive there. As the years have progressed, I have noticed that we do not get invited to family occasions in the way that we once were. In the past we would go for birthday parties for cousins or grandparents as much as we could (which was most of the time) and my children are used to travelling long distances in the car as we have never lived close to them. But as time has gone on, I notice photos popping up on social media of the family gathering for a cousin's birthday or a grandparent's birthday and we haven't even been invited. I can't help but feel hurt, and I know that if my children knew they were missing out on something that all their other cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents from my husbands side were at they would be really confused as to why they were not there. A few weeks ago we did make the journey for the youngest cousin's first birthday and all my husband;s family were really surprised we were there and that we had made the journey. We laughed and said of course we would come, that the journey is not a big deal. Today is their Grandfather's birthday and on social media photographs have been posted of all the family having a big day out together to celebrate. Again we were not invited, even though it's the school holidays and we would have been free to attend. I can't help but feel that my children are being cut out of time with their family and it upsets me. I think it is even more important to me because they have no cousins on my side of the family so it's not as though they have other cousins to spend time with. AIBU over this? My husband did question it a few months ago and the reply he got from his mum was that we lived so far away it was just too much to expect us to come and make the journey. As a family they never visit us, even if asked repeatedly, so making the effort to visit them has been really the only way to keep in touch. Surely they should give us the choice to decide if we will make the journey at all. To just not invite us at all seems a bit hurtful and removes the choice for us. Would love to hear what anybody thinks about this. Thank you.

YANBU. However, I have one sibling nearby and one 4 hours away. We do invite them to some things but not others because either I forget (it it's just casual arrangements) or don't want to have them all to stay that particular weekend. I love them and love them staying but it's not always convenient. I also don't want to visit them all the time (I find it a lot of effort for 2 nights with young children and dogs) of for them to feel obliged to always come.

I like the family WhatsApp group so you can then choose to go to things you are able to.

Well I can say ime, my sibling and I have both moved to other parts of the country and we make efforts to meet once or twice a year. But no we have lives away from each other now. I do think it’s weird you a) have the time b) feel that strongly about cousins that you will forgo the majority of a weekend to go and visit them, for a birthday party. The children have blood in common and nothing more. They share a grandparent basically, they don’t have that bond cousins who grow up around the corner do. They don’t go to the same school, they aren’t playing together regularly etc. By all means meet up for Xmas and special events (golden weddings etc) but otherwise I find it weird. And yes having a sibling and sprogs arrive en Masse does take out a whole day. If they lived nearby they could come to the meal and go home again, but usually it takes a whole day. Then you have to play host and I don’t know about you lot, but working FT and playing host to family over weekends can be very stressful.

No you are not close anymore.

It doesn’t mean you dont love them.

Where do you stay when you’re there? We don’t get invited to family gatherings as often as we might as there is no where for us to stay anymore (spare rooms all been turned into something else as children left home and even so no one could house the four of us anyway). It could be it’s impromptu or it could be they see an invitation as an invitation to stay with them, and no one is up for hosting 4 people for the weekend. I don’t really invite aunts and uncles to anything anymore as organising the party or whatever is enough. I don’t need them camping in my lounge for 3 nights too. So rather than have that awkward conversation (they’ve been annoyed the few times I suggested a hotel), I just assume it’s easier they don’t come. Sometimes it’s just out of sight out of mind and I forget.

Yanbu. They are taking away your choice.

My family are scattered all over the country but we would all get invited to a big event regardless of who can or can’t make it.

My husband did question it a few months ago and the reply he got from his mum was that we lived so far away it was just too much to expect us to come and make the journey.

And what did your DH say to that?

The simple solution would have been to reply ‘I appreciate you thinking of the journey, but we’d much rather be invited and drive to join you than not be given the option! In future could you please invite us anyway and we can decide whether we can make the trip? We feel a bit left out otherwise not being invited to family events we could easily have attended’

People are so weird about distances aren’t they? I’m an hour from my hometown and drive it all the time for a coffee with friends or to see someone for an hour, it’s really no big deal at all, same with nipping down to London (three hours) for events I fancy. Yet I know people who say stuff like ‘I used to live so close to my parents and now I’ve moved away it feels different’ when they’ve moved from the same street to a fifteen minute drive away. It’s so bizarre. If it’s something that matters to me a few hours driving doesn’t matter at all yet I know people who would see a three hour drive as the equivalent of going abroad and would write off any event if it’s not within twenty minutes of their house!

It is similar with my husbands family OP..but it is a case of out of sight out of mind and to be honest with his lot it suits me just fine! I appreciate its very different with you and you want to be there.

Could it be that you are placing more importance on these events than the rest of the family? In the nicest possible way, a 6hr round trip with kids in tow for a casual get together is completely OTT! Different if for a real super special occasion, i.e not a regular birthday.