Never had a penny from parents

[getmeacupoftea]

Yes, the title of this post makes me sound like an entitled little cow. I'm just feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself

As the eldest, my parents were very strict with me growing up. I dont think they had huge amounts of money, but they took "nothing is free in life" very seriously and installed in me a fantastic work ethic that I'm proud of today.

I still had treats on birthdays like most kids, but if I asked for anything in the rest of the year it was met with "what have you done to deserve it, nothing. You dont pay any bills in this house." I was working part time from age 12. Pocket money was a laughable concept and chores and housework had to be done after school or my privileges were taken away for weeks. The first thing my dad would say when he came in from work was "what housework have you done today." Not hello, how was school, etc. Time with friends also had to be earned.
I was pretty miserable as a teenager.

They did help out a bit with my wedding, which I am grateful for, but I feel only because of the social obligation and the way it looked with the in-laws. My husband and I were young and knocked up at the time and I could only afford the cheapest wedding package possible.

Anyway, recently I found out that my parents have been putting away alot of money for younger sister to go to uni. I'm talking thousands. My dad earns over the bracket for her to be entitled to a full bursary so she only gets half. (Or something like that.) They seem to have completely loosened up on their views, buying my sisters clothes and new shoes and there was never any pressure on them to work.

I feel sad because:
After crying for hours to my mum about feeling trapped with the new baby, (public transport was a rare thing where I lived) I remember asking my parents for a bit help with insuring my car (the only time I had ever asked for money, and I was asking for a loan not a gift) my parents said "why would we, you're not our problem."

I got all A's in my GCSE's at school and I feel like had I not been so desperate to move out and get away from my parents as a teenager I would have gone on to uni and then a good career. But instead I left home at 17 to work minimum wage jobs so I could afford a bedsit. (Although this did lead me to meet the love of my life and consequently father of my children.)

They never ask about how I am or what I'm doing now as an adult.
I know I sound bratty but after reading threads about pocket money and whether it's right for youngsters to have part time jobs I'm just feeling very bitter. That said, I am so grateful for everything I have and have had in my life. Definitely a bit of first world problems post!!

It’s really unfair. Have you brought it up directly with them?

Maybe they learned from their mistakes. How much younger is your sister?

I'd love to take them up on it. It would only end in arguments however. She is 6 years younger than me

Have your parents' finances changed between you and your DSis being born?

What was your DPs' attitude to you leaving home at 17? Did you want to leave or did you feel forced to leave? I am wondering if your DPs have a 'you made your bed now lie in it' attitude.

YANBU. Your parents were BU to treat your sister so differently. They sound like tight miserable gits tbh

I dont think you sound bratty, OP. If one of my kids moved out in their teens, because they felt they had to, I'd be really upset with myself. Doubly so if it impacted on their further education where they would have been capable of more.

YANBU to be upset at the apparent differences in how you and your sister have been provided for.

Speaking as an adult child of v dysfunctional parents...

Short reply: You don't sound entitled. Your parents are just mean, sorry.

TL:DR
I totally agree with instilling a good work ethic in your children, but what you experienced was unnecessarily harsh. I can't imagine treating my daughter like that. It's not about money, it's about being treated fairly and feeling that your parents value you.

No excuse for treating you and your sister differently. If their financial circumstances had changed and they could afford to help your sister through uni, they could have helped you out in another way. If you raise the issue of your sister getting help when you didn't, I imagine you'll get lots of "entitled" "what have you done to deserve it" type comments from your parents - you'd need to be emotionally prepared for that if you raise it. Have you somehow been scapegoated do you think?

Realistically your only recourse is to change you feel about them and what's happened, which is much easier said that done. They are unlikely to change.

Your parents are horrid.
Sounds like a black sheep/golden child dynamic.
Low contact is the way to go.
I’m not one for covering things up though so I would only go low contact after giving them a piece of my mind.
And if they say it’s all about the money (like most mean people) say mean with money mean with love. Describes you two to a T.

Did you ever discuss going to uni with your parents? Did they tell you they wouldn't top up your grant money to the minimum if you went?

Topping up grant money to the minimum is what is expected of parents. Its the (much more expensive) equivalent of paying for school dinners or paying for a child to go on a school trip. It's not your parents being hugely generous, more a normal expectation. Probably similar to contributing to a wedding.

If one of mine went to Uni and one didn't, only the Uni goer would be given money for living expenses.
If one of mine got married, and one didn't, only the married one would have a financial contribution towards their wedding. However, I would be prepared to pay the contributions for both, should they both make the choice to go to uni/get married.

Was your sister treated differently to you with regard to pocket money or chores? And is there a big gap, which means that their financial situation is more secure now than it was when you were growing up.

I must admit, I think I would expect a married woman with a child to be able to manage their own finances, and I wouldn't be ex

I

Well they’ll need their cash for when they have to have care when they’re old.

I’m so sorry you were treated like that OP.

You don’t sound bratty at all.

I’d step away from your parents and sister and do your own thing.

You can’t change how they are to you, don’t be available to be hurt by them. And don’t be available when they need help from you.

whoops, finger slip!
wouldn't expect to pay for things like car insurance for grown up children who had left home. However, I think I would help with a loan if they were struggling and I was able to do so.

Well The Golden Child can care for them in their dotage.
You owe them flat naff all...

my parents said "why would we, you're not our problem

Please remember this when they're elderly and in need of care.

How awful for you.

I had a similar but not as bad an experience as you so I can sort of relate. I got a Saturday job at 13 and from that point they stopped giving me any money. Siblings were bought expensive things, one got a computer, another an expensive music system when he went off to college, another got a car. They were rubbish at making sure everyone got the same eventually even if it was not at the same time if that makes sense.

I never got anything comparable to the items above. So I get that it's unfair. But I suspect you are much stronger for it. Why don't you consider going to uni? It's not beyond you. There are many flexible ways to achieve it now. Stop focusing on them (as they are unlikley to change and not even loaning you the money makes them pretty unpleasant tbh) and focus on yourself. My independence means more to me now than anything I might have wanted from them in the past. They're irrelevant in that sense as I know I can achieve/acquire whatever I want off my own back.

You do not sound entitled. You sound as though you almost feel like you deserved the way they treated you and they sound awful. It is good that they are not treating your sister this way. It must be annoying for you that they didn't seem to care about you but do seem to care about her but at least they are not bringing up another child like that. It is not just the money side of things that isn't nice. It's the way your father came home and immediately asked about the housework instead of greeting you. It shows a lack of warmth and that is on him not you. I would distance myself from them and I would try to fill my life with little of little pleasures. I would have the fun they kept from you when you were small.

'lots' of little pleasures.

I'd distance myself from them, tbh.

I wouldn't expect to pay for things like car insurance for grown up children who had left home.

If my child was struggling and I could afford to I would help out, and after the birth of a grandchild is surely a time when you may expect help to be needed.

I don't get this attitude at all. My grandparents helped my parents out when I was born. My parents and PILs helped us out when our child was born. Most of the people I know whose parents are still living have had some sort of help at some point.

mumsnet really is a different world sometimes.

You're not sounding entitled. I can't conceive of treating a child like that.

Can I check something? Had they put away money for you for if you went to uni? Perhaps they would have treated you the same in this regard if you had gone?

You don’t sound bratty or entitled. On the other hand your sister might want to watch her back - people like this rarely give something for nothing. You are independent and free and you can take a lot of pride in that. There’s no shame in feeling frustrated at the inequality.

How strange. Perhaps they have cashed in things like pensions or benefitted from an inheritance themselves now? Is it possible they particularly disliked your boyfriend?

Even so, it just seems to be one of these strange, terribly unfair things some parents do.

You know its not too late to go to uni?

Similar experience here - i thought it was normal at the time - never had any pocket money, never even asked for anything as I knew I wouldn't get it, had to get a part time job from age 12 to be able to pay for sanitary products, clothes (even stuff like tights for school) etc.

They had plenty of money. Sister seemed to get cash from them, not sure why/how! And continued to "borrow" from them (and of course never paid back) well into her 20s.

The one time I borrowed 10 quid from them, my dad still brought it up over the course of the next 15 YEARS that I owed him 10 quid. So weird!

Still tight as anything now, so awkward going out for a coffee or whatever that it makes me super anxious - we never do it as not worth the hassle!

Sometimes this happens in families.That the older child has all the rules ,and the younger one gets spoilt .It seems most unfair ,but there was a similar thread recently .Do you get on well with them?,perhaps you could say that you have not had the same advantages as your sister in a light hearted way and see what they have got to say .They will probably deny it and get defensive,but it might make them think! .You dont say how old your children are but its still possible to do a degree .Im not sure but I think possibly an Access Course? and then you could study maybe P/t to do a job that may appeal to you.It wont be easy .a friend did it and it was really hard but she is now qualified and can do P/T for the same money as F/T in her job .Well worth considering

Our parents sound very similar, although mine have always made a lot of noise about "One never goes without the other" (a stupid saying and unless I have two horses, a Volvo and 6 years of car insurance I haven't noticed, also completely fucking untrue!).

The money probably represents their love and approval to you. It did to me too. Now I realise that they don't love me in the way I want, or the way they love my golden child sister, but that isn't my fault. They simply do not have what I need from them. It isn't possible to discuss this calmly with them because they take even the slightest criticism as an attack and respond in kind. My father is prone to violence when he is angry so I wouldn't want to risk it, to be honest.

My parents also have a very old-fashioned idea that children are really just a burden, but once a girl is married then she becomes her husband's responsibility. This doesn't extend to my sister of course, or end the massive debt they feel I owe them.

My parents are cold and hard and awful people, but they no longer have the power to hurt me because I see them clearly. I worked for them for no wages for years and got only abuse for my trouble. I did whatever they wanted from me, because I was trying to make them love me and value me. It was never going to happen.
You can't change them, but you can take away their power to hurt you.