Never had a penny from parents

[getmeacupoftea]

Yes, the title of this post makes me sound like an entitled little cow. I'm just feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself

As the eldest, my parents were very strict with me growing up. I dont think they had huge amounts of money, but they took "nothing is free in life" very seriously and installed in me a fantastic work ethic that I'm proud of today.

I still had treats on birthdays like most kids, but if I asked for anything in the rest of the year it was met with "what have you done to deserve it, nothing. You dont pay any bills in this house." I was working part time from age 12. Pocket money was a laughable concept and chores and housework had to be done after school or my privileges were taken away for weeks. The first thing my dad would say when he came in from work was "what housework have you done today." Not hello, how was school, etc. Time with friends also had to be earned.
I was pretty miserable as a teenager.

They did help out a bit with my wedding, which I am grateful for, but I feel only because of the social obligation and the way it looked with the in-laws. My husband and I were young and knocked up at the time and I could only afford the cheapest wedding package possible.

Anyway, recently I found out that my parents have been putting away alot of money for younger sister to go to uni. I'm talking thousands. My dad earns over the bracket for her to be entitled to a full bursary so she only gets half. (Or something like that.) They seem to have completely loosened up on their views, buying my sisters clothes and new shoes and there was never any pressure on them to work.

I feel sad because:
After crying for hours to my mum about feeling trapped with the new baby, (public transport was a rare thing where I lived) I remember asking my parents for a bit help with insuring my car (the only time I had ever asked for money, and I was asking for a loan not a gift) my parents said "why would we, you're not our problem."

I got all A's in my GCSE's at school and I feel like had I not been so desperate to move out and get away from my parents as a teenager I would have gone on to uni and then a good career. But instead I left home at 17 to work minimum wage jobs so I could afford a bedsit. (Although this did lead me to meet the love of my life and consequently father of my children.)

They never ask about how I am or what I'm doing now as an adult.
I know I sound bratty but after reading threads about pocket money and whether it's right for youngsters to have part time jobs I'm just feeling very bitter. That said, I am so grateful for everything I have and have had in my life. Definitely a bit of first world problems post!!

Maybe they did put the money on one side for uni but you didn’t go so they funded the wedding contribution instead.

I had no help whatsoever and had to work for anything I had from early teens. My life was nothing like my peers.

In contrast, we have saved for our children and they go without nothing nor are they expected to work alongside studying. However I do expect them to be financially responsible for themselves when they have their own children or leave home post uni. The savings are to help with uni costs or house deposit.

Op I'm aghast, they sound utterly awful, never asking how you are but what chores you have done is abusive... Nasty.

Of course asking for help insuring the car isn't awful! As pp said nothing wrong with that! Dreadful

All you can do is either have it out with them or lower expectations, don't expect anything from them.

Not defending them at all but if you aren't eligible for the full grant then your parents have to pay. If you'd gone to uni maybe they'd have given you cash. Could it be that they value education more?

How awful of them to say you're not their problem. Agree with poster above that this is the attitude to take towards them when they are elderly and need care.

Sounds like they have been super harsh to you though. A great thing came out of your situation (your husband) but it would be worth bringing it up with them, and if it does end in arguments then low contact.
Sorry that sounds awful:(

Please don't be so hatch on yourself, you are not "bratty", you grew up under very abusive parents. Emotional abuse like you have described is the worst type and takes help to recover from. You did nothing wrong, you were a child and they treated you like their slave and they sound like the partly resented you for moving out as they lost their slave hence why they wouldn't help you with insurance. You may eventually need to get professional help to try and overcome the difficulties of your childhood, earning time with your friends is just awful. Please feel proud of yourself for doing so well in school, and going on and setting up a good life for yourself as you did it by yourself with not just a lack of financial support but loving family support. Well done 😊

No, not bratty at all.

This is just abusive. 'normal' families ensure one child doesn't feel left out/scapegoated...

Even if they had given your sibling money for x... Healthy families would say.... We've leant /paid for X for Jane. We will do the same for you... Etc etc...

It's just a way to have completely power drenched/unhealthy dynamic... Horrid.

OP - please look at going to uni - it's never too late... You could get a higher apprenticeship i think and be sponsored Throfuh a degree?

Thanks everyone so much for replying. Its hard to hear the word abusive because I do love my parents and they are such amazing grandparents to my children. But I'm realising now my upbringing wasnt the norm. Not sure what to do about it, feeling really down.

I cannot begin to fathom how you could love these vile people, are you still trying to win their affection?

I don't anything not normal about your upbringing. It is unfair that your sister gets money though. Couldn't you have got a uni grant in order to leave home. You did get help with wedding. I was similar but got not ont penny as my parents where poor. I too worked from a young age and am now comfortable with a lovely life . The idea that parents help their children out as adults is not common in lots of houses, it certainly wasn't in my working class community. Of course your parents are being unfair with your sister. I personally find the assumption that parents fund their adult chidrens life's slightly entitled. Did they have spare money?

Doing chores in a house is hardly slavery as one PP suggests. Lots of working class kids have part time jobs, babysitting, picking fruit...I did and loved earning money. I can't see this as abuse. You did get birthday s and Christmas I assume and you have a great work ethic. There's too much assumption of abuse from PP. I think it's the treatment compared to your sister that's the problem.

I don’t think there is a ‘norm’ for families, and you can often start to feel resentful when comparisons are made. Your feelings are, as others have pointed out, entirely valid.
Your parents seem to have stuck to a perverse rule of denial, even when you were struggling and signalling your distress. Telling someone they’re being made to suffer for their own good is cruel. They’ve taught you a harsh lesson,
You don’t have to feel obligated to your parents, you’re all adults not and you can set your own boundaries. You can acknowledge their unfairness even if they can’t.

I think it's the treatment compared to your sister that's the problem.

Which is a form of abuse!

Bumper69.

I already mentioned my parents didn't have money. I grew up on a council estate and have working class roots I'm proud of. Their financial situation changed a lot as we all grew older. All I know is that I was utterly miserable from the ages of 13-17 under their roof. There were other factors too, but as an adult with a family of my own I'm seeing the flaws with my own parents. I'm not entitled and expect nothing. Every single thing I have in my life I have earned myself.

I don't think anyone is saying that doing chores or having a strong work ethic is abusive, Bumper. In the context of a supportive and loving family self sufficiency and not having an entitled attitude is a good thing.

It appears to be symptomatic of the the overall way getmeacupoftea was treated by her parents.

What concerns me are things like...
"What have you done to deserve (desired thing)? You don't pay bills." To a child who has a part time job and does chores.
No hello how are you from her parents, just what have you done today?
Time with friends had to be earnt.
Parents secretly giving sibling £1,000s pounds
OP not encouraged as a child despite being very capable
Parents saying to OP at a vulnerable point in life "you aren't our problem"
Etc.

So it's nothing to do with money, but everything to do with how OPs parents have failed to value or appreciate her as a person. She's been viewed as someone to work around the house and pay their keep. In my opinion they've failed to provide OP with emotional support, which is the real issue here.

Bit outing but nevertheless... my mum and dad had 3 girls. Of which I’m the eldest. He subsequently had an affair with my mothers sister and and walked out on us for her when we were 5, 2 and a few months old. He never contributed a penny for any of us. We were the scruffy kids with hand me down clothes. Our house had no carpet and my mum often went without eating to feed us. Meanwhile father refuses to work except cash in hand so my mother cannot claim a coin for us.

Fast forward a few years and he has 2 sons with my mothers sister. They are kitted out in designer gear and have all top of the range toys & gadgets.

My father finally got a job the week my sister turned 16 and my mum got a cheque for £11! Amusingly, the next day she got a letter deducting the £11 from her (what was then) family allowance!

I have never grudged my brothers getting the things they did but last year he bought my 18 year old brother an Audi for passing his test! I’ll never get on the property ladder, and support my 4 kids as best I can, so that rankled somewhat.

There’s lots more to this story but I’ll leave it there and just say I understand. It’s hard, it’s frustrating and sometimes I could cry at the unfairness of it all, but people like this just don’t care. Clearly their priorities are in other places, but I don’t understand how their conscience allows it.

You parents sound vile. However, think of it as no strings attached and go NC and your sister can look after them when they're old. I could think nothing worse than "we gave you this and that, and now you owe it"

I could have written your OP (without the pregnancy and marriage part). I put myself through uni, my DS got everything paid for. I was given £500 towards my first car (after paying for my own driving lessons), she was given £5,000 and all of her driving lessons paid for. I was given £2000 towards my first house, she got £10,000.

Of course, they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour. I just try not to think about it otherwise I would have a big ball of anger in my belly all the time. (I'm in my forties and have also moved away from them all and remain close via Whatsapp)

My DPs were the same with my younger brother- he is the golden child. He was given 50% of his first house, bought a car, can do no wrong. My parents lent me a few £ towards my first house and then hassled me for repayment every time they saw me.
In my 50s now and it's still the same. He walks on a water. I am a small piece of poo on the bottom of everyone's shoe.
It's one of those things you have to let go otherwise you'll just become too bitter.

They did help out a bit with my wedding, which I am grateful for, but I feel only because of the social obligation and the way it looked with the in-laws

So you did get financial help, which contradicts your thread title.

Echt

Not that I'm not grateful, but it wasnt much. (Not that the amount mattered) And as I mentioned, it was only for the social obligation and the way it made them look. The only time I have been financially aided by them. Need to reiterate I'm not ungrateful and I appreciate other people having nothing towards their wedding.

Again thanks so much for your replies and stories everyone. In a horrible way it's nice to know I'm not alone. X

Echt - don't be so bloody obtuse. Sensible posters realise what the OP is talking about, being scapegoat while sister is the golden child.