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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be annoyed at lack of details on invitations?

60 replies

notjustanexpat · 30/07/2019 15:29

I hate it. Every time we have a formal party or just a gathering with more than a hand full of people who know each other, I briefly mention what the plan is and give some damn indication of what to wear (e.g. " we often all take the dogs for a walk later, a jacket/flats might be handy"). Basically, if it isn't just friends popping over, there will be some info in some form or shape.

Nobody seems to do that anymore. We are invited to a housewarming, which I'd usually dress down for (everyday me wears pretty dresses with full make-up, apparently that is too much for many). However, they've invited a billion people (up to 2.5h travel time), are renting chairs and have a caterer, all of which screams "semi-formal" or "business casual" to me.

If I'd ask I know the answer will be "whatever you are comfortable in" which is just not helpful. Find a middle line. For example, our wedding was formal attire but I know one guy would be terribly miserable in formal clothes, so I explained that I really don't care what he wears, as long as he could deal with everyone else being in fancy clothes. Give me some damn idea of what to expect!

All we know is, there will be some food and some chairs. I'll make an informed guess in the end but I am so annoyed right now!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2019 16:37

Do people really tell you that you're over dressed to things? That's odd. The dress you posted in your 2nd post seems pretty informal to me

SunshineCake · 30/07/2019 16:38

People that say you are dressed too fancy are trying to put you down for being better dressed for the occasion than them imo. Take no notice.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 30/07/2019 16:45

I think you are overthinking this.

It's a housewarming, people won't be in trainers and joggers. Anything from jeans with a nice top to a lovely dress will be fine. Most people will make a bit of an effort.

But if they are friends, no one should care anyway.

BlueBuilding · 30/07/2019 16:45

What parties have you been to were people down tools and all go out to walk dogs? Confused

Another vote for just wear what you like.

Original poster
notjustanexpat · 30/07/2019 16:45

About the dogs: Wouldn't mention that for formal events but if there are people new to "the usual crowd" having wine and dinner together. One of us tend to take them for a brief walk at some point. Those who want to come along do,, the rest stays and relaxes.

People stating one is overdressed: More a case of, "well, you look fancy, wish I'd known we were expected to dress up." Again, I get that it is awkward for both sides but given that all of that could be avoided with one two brief sentences, I find it annoying.

If it were a local "hey we're ready for visitors, joing us on date x at time y" I'd just throw on a nice pair of jeans and nice shirt. Ordering extra chairs and outside catering is a bit of a different thing to me.

OP posts:
tomatoesandstew · 30/07/2019 17:00

I love a chance to dress up, and even though i know a lot of my friends won't i do anyway on the rare chances they go out. If everyone else wants to wear old jeans and battered trainers that's up to them - you sound like you can handle being the most fabulous one at the party.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/07/2019 17:08

My everyday look is something like this

I really should RTFT- please ignore my previous post.

at the same time it seems make other people feel guilty for not making the effort, which of course they shouldn't.

90% of my summer shoes are high-ish heels

OP, may I ask:

  • Does the ending of 'The devil wears prada' make you really sad for the main character?
  • When you watch 'The good life' do you think that Margot is the only normal one?
  • Do you find the Sex and the City characters relatable and down to earth?
  • Does your sister Violet have a mercedes, a jacuzzi and room for a sauna?

People stating one is overdressed

I enjoyed both this and your 'I have many degrees' thread, OP, but I think using one as a pronoun is overplaying it.

BazaarMum · 30/07/2019 17:14

DonQuixote of course Margot is the only normal one 😄

twattymctwatterson · 30/07/2019 17:22

I can just imagine the hilarity of I issued a dress code and itinerary to my friends after inviting them over to the gaff for a couple of bottles of plonk and a buffet from Iceland

RosaWaiting · 30/07/2019 17:32

OP was it you who had the “how do I get out of dinner parties” thread?

I don’t think I move in the circles you do, but when I say “wear what you like” that’s what I mean. Even in my circles, some will dress up, some won’t, but I guess the difference is in my circle, no one cares!

WhisperingPines · 30/07/2019 17:41

It's nice to dress up. I like dressing up too. I usually wear smart casual clothes on a day-to-day basis.

You're getting worried over nothing. You're sounding a bit neurotic to be honest.

This not a gala dinner in the 1950s! Wear one of your lovely dresses, bring a cardigan, a light jacket or a scarf/wrap for the evening, wear nice shoes and maybe bring an extra pair of flat shoes/sandals/trainers. A bit of make up. Maybe some jewellery. Don't overdo it.
Easy peasy.

bridgetreilly · 30/07/2019 17:41

You sound incredibly hard work, OP. Just wear whatever you feel like on the day.

One of us tend to take them for a brief walk at some point. Those who want to come along do,, the rest stays and relaxes.
So, in fact, it doesn't matter what people are wearing?

SoyDora · 30/07/2019 17:42

Another one who thinks you’re overthinking. No one will be as bothered by what you’re wearing as you think they will. Where what makes you happy/comfortable.
As a PP pointed out, why not ask them what sort of affair it will be? You obviously know them well enough to be invited, so just ask. It’s not difficult.

IamWaggingBrenda · 30/07/2019 17:45

I totally get this. I was once invited to a Christmas party, told it was very casual. So I showed up in a pair of casual trousers, and a nice winter sweater and flats - only to be met at the door by the hostess in her LBD and heels and all the other women in party dresses and heels and the men in suits. I felt like I had shown up in my underwear - it was so uncomfortable. I would ask the hosts and if they say whatever you’re comfortable in, I’d ask what they’re wearing and if the party will be outdoors or in.

CheeseFace · 30/07/2019 18:48

Your usual dress code is very similar to mine. I don't care less if everyone else is in jeans, THIS is my style and for a party I'll wear what I please! Of course I would moderate it to go white water rafting or something, but even then Ive done a jungle trek, walked up a mountain and kayaked all in dresses.

I love that yellow dress by the way, where is it from?

CitadelsofScience · 30/07/2019 18:59

Just swan in dressed in a maxi dress and some wedges, floppy hat and a wrap and you're good to go. A la Margot Leadbetter Grin

In all seriousness though, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. A pair of chinos, nice top and some flat, scrappy sandals would fit the bill.

sanmiguel · 30/07/2019 19:38

Also thinking you're over-thinking this. When invited to house parties I always dress for inside with the option of outside (in case it ends up being a bbq or patio affair).
I'm not sure they need to give you an order of service.
Let your hair down OP- it's ok to just turn up and enjoy!

vincettenoir · 30/07/2019 21:03

I wouldn’t expect to give people a dress code or a menu for a housewarming. Or anything apart from a wedding.

In fact if I was invited to a bbq / party or other informal event and I was given a dress code I would actually find it annoying to be told what to wear and would probably rebel against it.

user1473878824 · 30/07/2019 21:53

I think you’re over thinking it a tad OP but also that YANBU. Also I LOVE that dress.

I’d always rather be slightly overdressed than massively under dressed.

8Track · 30/07/2019 22:10

Oh god, I totally get the OP's concern - but from the inverse perspective!!

DP and I are very casual.
We had a barbie late last summer and invited friends who are not local, some family and some neighbours. Told the neighbours to bring a chair.

Bank hol this year one set of those neighbours invited us to a spring bbq.
I was FAR less thoughtful than the OP and wore denim long shorts and a colourful layered top, bandana scrunching my hair back as it was super hot. A more dressy version of what I'd worn to mine.

My lovely neighbours had catering, a marquee, wine waiters......it was all garden frocks, lovley looking!! Other than me and DP who had a big glass of wine and played up the eco-hippy thing to not look look so much like slobs!!

hammeringinmyhead · 30/07/2019 22:31

I tend to just dress for the "worst", for example, standing outside for a long time holding a plate if it's a BBQ. For a housewarming I'd wear metallic flat sandals, a knee-length dress and chuck a cardigan over my arm. If it turns out to be dressy, I'm in a dress, and if not then sandals and a dress doesn't look odd amongst the skinny jeans.

tinkerbellla · 30/07/2019 22:35

Love the yellow dress! I'm wearing a similar one from Zara to work tomorrow 👍👍xx

baubled · 30/07/2019 22:44

I feel like I need to see more of your dresses if they're as lovely as the yellow one and to answer your OP, I'm with you- a little guidance would be nice!

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 30/07/2019 22:46

You sound like seriously hard work. Just wear whatever you want, nobody else there cares about what you are wearing. Most people don't ponder for days before a bbq about what they are going to wear for it so no doubt prepping you about your outfit in advance hasn't crossed their mind.

You're funny though, I'll give you that. I'm off to look at your other threads 👍

VenusTiger · 30/07/2019 22:55

Dinner party/cocktail evening attire