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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on strike and not cook dinner for dh anymore

101 replies

MuffinMclay · 01/08/2007 11:57

Dh is a very good cook and loves cooking. I am an OK cook, but don't enjoy it particularly. He works long hours, generally, so it makes sense for me to cook for both of us on week nights and him to cook at weekends (using every pan, implement, etc, and making mess everywhere, but that is another story).

On Monday I made curry. He complained that it was like the one he made but not as good. He poked it around suspiciously, ate it, and made polite but unconvincing noises at the end.

Yesterday I made a pasta sauce with red onion, wine, sausages (River Cafe recipe, takes hours to prepare). He took one look at it, then said 'there's too much onion' (I don't like red onion but added it because he complains if I omit it). He pokes suspiciously, and starts eating. 'You didn't dice the onion properly, the pieces are too big'. Sits looking like a sulky teenager. Then, 'did you forget the chilli', 'no', 'well it is very mild' (clearly not believing a word I say).

At this point I remark quietly that I will not be cooking evening meals for him from now on (whilst trying to stop myself tipping the bowl of pasta over his head). He flounces off, slams doors, and sulks upstairs. Half an hour later he comes downstairs and tells me I'm turning into my mother by expecting everyone to eat food without complaining (her food is dire).

Sorry, very log and dull. But I'm so p**d off with him now. And I'm not cooking tonight.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 13:19

Well there you go, opinions on which is easier, home or work, vary hugely too

OrmIrian · 01/08/2007 13:20

I don't see it either, olive. It's part and parcel of being a parent unless you can afford a load of help. Whoever is at home does the housework as it's needed.

Now sitting in some poxy office as a bloody wage slave is being a skivvy >

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:20

depends on the job obv

and the brats too

(I have had this convo before tbh)

Mercy · 01/08/2007 13:20

Ah, but do you have a highly demanding career Olive?

gringottsgoblin · 01/08/2007 13:20

anna i would love to know how many kids you have, what are their ages and how many staff you employ. unless you have 4 below 8, one of which must be below 1 do not comment about my post. i have worked, i am now sahm. walk in the park?

yanbu. dh got a warning after similar comments about food. nothing wrong with it, he just prefers it slightly different (usually spicier). after warning (pronounced screaming hissy fit) he was silly enough to do it again and i have now been on cooking strike for about 2 years. i still cook for the kids of course, but i found that the knowledge he was going to have a go at me because the food wasnt exactly how he wanted it meant i hated cooking, i got really panicky while doing it and it turned out really badly. if he wants to cook for us both i am very grateful, i do not complain (even when it is too spicy for my taste) and i am polite. if he doesnt want to cook i have cereal. the thought of cooking for him still makes me panicky so i cant see things changing anytime soon which is a bit sad i suppose

Tortington · 01/08/2007 13:21

i dont know why you cant say " aprat from making a banner i cannot express how wonderful you are at cooking - i really enjoy your food. We all have different skillsets, i am not as good at cokking as you - we both know this. so please dont criticise my efforts, it is demoralising and rather insulting - i hope you understand"

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:21

(dh is off next week looking after our girls and says he is 'really looking forward to it'. hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahah)

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:21

i think that one depends entirely on what your kids are like - presumably they're in occupance.

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:22

very demanding Mercy

Tortington · 01/08/2007 13:23

when my husband worked and i didn't i always thought it good manners to have a meal ready for when he came in.

working out of the home and working in the home are different with different triggers and diferent stresses.

anna lives in france with staff doesn't she? again thats different.

to try to assimilate yourself into other peoples views of what is right and wrong is rather pathetic.

to hold a view that you are the only right one - working is good SAHM are bad or via versa is also pathetic.

narrow minded
pathetic
fuckwits

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:25

somedays a shift in tesco on the tills is more preferable, when they are demanding and your halo's slipped, otherdays they are delightful and you don't want to be anywhere else.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:28

I don't think its black and white at all, it's relative and variable. I don't think anyone can compare eachother either as partners, homes, kids, jobs are all so different as well as personalities and skills. Some of us (me)are just meant to be relaxing at home while dd is in nursery, waiting for dp to come home and cook dinner.

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:29

I can't wait till September as dd1 starts school and dd2 does her full 5 mornings at playgroup

Imagine! Time To Myself

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:35

that's where my neighbour is she has 5 mornings a week to chill, she goes running and then relaxes, she gets a lie in at weekends and she doesn't cook.. when i go round her hubby takes my dd off to play and tells me to sit down, and he looks like a god. he organised the kids bday and made the cake - he talks in a silly baby voice tho which could get annoying

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:37

i keep telling dp all about it

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 13:40

custardo - just to clear up any misunderstandings - yes, I live in France where I energetically resist "having staff" (though that is the norm around here), unless you count 3.5 hours a week of ironing, hoovering and dusting as "staff". And I suppose I get some help from my stepsons' full-time nanny, in that she does their clothes' laundry (so I don't have to do that) and takes them back and forth between our place and their mother's...

Kewcumber · 01/08/2007 13:40

you are all missing the point - any who can't cook and tries anything from the River Cafe cook book is a mad loon.

He can be fed without resprting to the madness that is the River Cafe. Fish and Chips are nice

speedymama · 01/08/2007 13:50

Going to work is easy compared to staying at home - that's why I work part-time.

As for OP, YANBU.

MuffinMclay · 01/08/2007 13:50

I do think it is fair that as a SAHM I do the lion's share of the dull household tasks (cleaning, laundry, tidying, cooking etc), but my priority should be looking after ds. I am a SAHM not a SAHHousekeeper.

However, he should respect me for doing that, and have the courtesy not to be incredibly rude about how I've done things. I wouldn't dream of criticising how he does things at work.

Gringottsgoblin - I often feel like that. I don't mind cooking just for me at all, but cooking for dh is really stressful. I worry that he won't like it, get stressed about it, and then make stupid mistakes.

I do want to enjoy meals with him in the evening, as we usually do, but I don't feel inclined to bother at the moment. Think I'll be true to my word tonight and not cook, and get some ready meals or salad tomorrow, then take it from there.

OP posts:
speedymama · 01/08/2007 13:52

Muffin, forget the ready meals. Just do jacket potato with a variety of fillings like baked beans, sausage and beans, spaghetti hoops.....he'll soon get the message

mm22bys · 01/08/2007 14:03

What an ungrateful prat. I would not cook anymore either.

If he is such a great cook, tell him he is welcome to it anytime.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 14:04

Muffin just be straight up and don't make a huge deal, make the point that you haven't seen him all day and he's rude it's not nice and it makes you not want to bother, tell him exactly what you have just said but calmly. It's perfectly rational and normal not to want to be put down like that. I'm sure he'll realise he's been a pig. Ask him if there's something bothering him

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 14:06

don't let the situation escalate and get into a standoff just over a bit of onion - cook a crap meal on purpose to hell with it

florenceuk · 01/08/2007 14:42

I have to admit that DH is a terrible cook and when he does cook I do make remarks if it is particularly bad (like "this is burnt"). Then again if he cooked more he would be better at it. Not a problem with the OP as it sounds like your meal was perfectly edible. I think the OP's response was perfectly justified! Sounds like cooking is not the real problem anyway.

I'm surprised that you all seem to think a SAHM should cook tea - I don't have a meal for DH when he gets home - we put the kids to bed (or I do before he gets home) and then we may cook together (he chops, I stir) or if he is very late he gets a takeaway. We stick to simple things in the week like pasta sauces, curry in a jar (Loyd Grossman) and stirfries.

prettybird · 01/08/2007 15:25

YANBU and I think you were right to go "on strike".

It is plain good manners to appreciate the effort that someone has put in.

I'd say sometihng to him like "this is not working. I am upset that you don't appreciate the effort that I have put in. I am not as good a cook as you, but I do my best. If you want me to cook at all, I will do simple, plain dishes that don't take me all day - espcailly important at the moment, when my pregnancy makes me tired. If you are not prepared to accpet that, you can take on all the cooking."

If he does apologise, then you could also suggest sitting down at the weekend and working out a menu for the week together, where you do nice but simple food, he agrees not to complain - or even to assist if he wants to "add" to your skills - and then he can do his fancy stuff on agreed nights.

Dh and I used to do a lot of cooking together, which although we had different stytles, was a nice way to chat together. We'd ususually work on different bits - eg me on the pudding and dh on the soup. We got out of the haobt when we moved to a house with a really small kitchen and although we eventually did sort the kitchen out (moved it into another room, but that needed planning permission), we haven't got back in to the habit. We haveboth said that that reduction in time together had a detrimentyal effect on our marriage - and we are trying to get back in to that routine of cooking together (not on a daily basis, but for special occasions).