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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on strike and not cook dinner for dh anymore

101 replies

MuffinMclay · 01/08/2007 11:57

Dh is a very good cook and loves cooking. I am an OK cook, but don't enjoy it particularly. He works long hours, generally, so it makes sense for me to cook for both of us on week nights and him to cook at weekends (using every pan, implement, etc, and making mess everywhere, but that is another story).

On Monday I made curry. He complained that it was like the one he made but not as good. He poked it around suspiciously, ate it, and made polite but unconvincing noises at the end.

Yesterday I made a pasta sauce with red onion, wine, sausages (River Cafe recipe, takes hours to prepare). He took one look at it, then said 'there's too much onion' (I don't like red onion but added it because he complains if I omit it). He pokes suspiciously, and starts eating. 'You didn't dice the onion properly, the pieces are too big'. Sits looking like a sulky teenager. Then, 'did you forget the chilli', 'no', 'well it is very mild' (clearly not believing a word I say).

At this point I remark quietly that I will not be cooking evening meals for him from now on (whilst trying to stop myself tipping the bowl of pasta over his head). He flounces off, slams doors, and sulks upstairs. Half an hour later he comes downstairs and tells me I'm turning into my mother by expecting everyone to eat food without complaining (her food is dire).

Sorry, very log and dull. But I'm so p**d off with him now. And I'm not cooking tonight.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 01/08/2007 12:56

Only read OP.

Yanbu.

I would also at the weekend complain about everything he cooks. If he says anything then tell him now he know's how you feel when he complains.

For what it's worth i love cooking (am also a 1950's SAHM ), but DH doesn't. He has cooked truely disgusting things, but i will always eat and say thank you because he has done something doesn't enjoy and made an effort.

Oblomov · 01/08/2007 12:56

Dh has never criticised one of my meals. EVER. Even some of my repeated ones, that weren't as good - for some unknown reason- as the previous. He is honest. Last night he said, that was the best. Sometimes, he says, well, it was nice, but not as good as last time. Sometimes, he says, I'm afraid, this isn't very nice. This is fine. If dh was ever as rude as OP's, I would just stop cooking. Simple as that. You are too nice.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 12:57

Easy writer, I don't understand why you say why you can't cook? Can't you make a salad, do you struggle with chopping or putting things in the oven? Or throwing things in a pan. Its simple. You don't have to do anything fancy - is it because you just don't like cooking? You can admit it you know

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 12:58

Easywriter - I can see that if your DH married you in the full knowledge that you were not a good cook AND that you intended to be a SAHM, that was the deal at the outset and you are both in agreement with that, and that's fine.

But, in a general sort of way, I tend to think that eating a lovely evening meal in a clean, tidy house is a good way for families to spend time together and makes for harmonious relationships - a way to enjoy one another after the toils of the day, whatever those might have been, and to have conversations. So I generally encourage people in that direction , looking for solutions to whatever any one family's particular issue might be.

Easywriter · 01/08/2007 12:59

Grrrr! Anna, you're driving me mad.

Let me cut and paste a bit.

This statement is inflammatory;

If I was the one going out to work and earning the money to support my family while my partner stayed at home, I would absolutely expect as my divine right to come home to a clean, tidy house and have a delicious meal on the table and some quiet time to share it with my family .

You miss the point AGAIN.

I stay at home to bring our children up the way we want our children up.

It is a full time job and v. full on.
I did not stay at home to clean or cook.

I do, do these things (obviously some of them not v. well) but that's not why I'm here.

Do not confuse SAHM with Housekeeper

and no one should accept verbal abuse as standard and respond by doing a course to 'better him/herself' rather than getting the abuser to stop being abusive.

Meeely2 · 01/08/2007 13:00

he's defo got hidden issues, if he didn;t and he really didn't like what you had cooked he would say 'erm, hun, this is really not good, do you mind if i don't eat it' The fact he is psuhing it round his plate and mumbling things about the way stuff if chopped says he has stuff on his mind and wants to vent somewhere.

my Dh cooks, I don't (can't cook, won't cook).....he won't let me cook infact so i do kids instead (not sure i have got the better deal)....we both work full time, at the same place so we get in at the same time....we have been together for 6 years and its just an unspoken rule that he cooks because I can't and he won't eat what i cook anyway! My Dh sent me out to get rice once for a meal he was cooking and i got the wrong one - he went nuts....turns out he was stressed about money and work.....being irrational is usually a sign of something else. DH is also anal about how the dishwasher is loaded but thats another story....my point is if they want it doing a certain way, let them do it, don;t change what you are doing.

Having said that my dh bought the gordon ramsay fast food book and i'm hooked! I tried a recipe on my friends and it was ace, so i cooked fajitas for my dh on monday and he ate it! I'm doing peppered lamb steak with green bean, red onion and pecorio salad! (let me hear an ooooooo please!).

so in conclusion, he's an arse yes, but there has to be a reason if this isn;t normal behaviour, if it is normal behaviour then go on strike tell him to feed himself and don't feel bad about cooking for you and your kids....

OrmIrian · 01/08/2007 13:00

No. YANBU. He was rude and childish.

However as a reasonable cook with a DH who hasn't really the faintest idea about cooking although he tries (), I do have some sympathy with your DH. It's not good to eat a meal that is unpleasant especially if you care about food. And constructive critisism should always be accepted. Hoooooowever I don't think that your meal sounded unpleasant (just not how he would have done it) and I don't think the critism was constructive. It sounds as if you spent ages cooking it and that should be appreciated.

Leave the cooking to your DH - if he's a good cook he'll enjoy himself doing it and you'll enjoy eating it. I'm a WOHM and TBH it's not the cooking I object to when I come home, it's all the other chores. Food always tastes better without a row.

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 13:00

Easywriter - why is it inflammatory for me to write what my expectations are? It is inflammatory to tell other people how to lead their lives, not to say how I personally feel, surely?

Quattrocento · 01/08/2007 13:00

Even the nicest men can be rude and controlley when they are tired and fed up. Tell him not to do it any more. Tell him in the morning. Then if he does it again, do tip the bowl of pasta over his head.

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:00

ok, few points here

  1. it seems to me he had food ishoos maybe re his mum's cooking and needs to talk about those pronto

  2. work, if work is pissing him off, he will come home with a black cloud and take it out on the nearest thing, ie YOU, so understandable but certainly not good. If (when?) dh comes home in a mood I just say 'er EXCUSE ME, do you want to go and have a shower/get changed/feck off and come back in a bit?"

  3. I kind of sort of agree with Anna () in that if you are at home all day then you do the evening meal. HOWEVER, if on my 'days off' (ha!) my two have been a pain in the arse and I want to run away, we do a takeaway, no problem

can you get an easy cookery book?

but I think Point 1 is at the root of all this tbh

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:02

Oh god I worked full-time and cooked when I was pregnant, i got the wrong deal, christ i studied at weekends and decorated a house too (not all singlehandedly)

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:04

re not staying at home to clean and cook

surely if you are a SAHM, part of your remit is to keep the house ticking over?

or am I completely old-fashioned and really aged 85?

elfinblast · 01/08/2007 13:04

I'd be serving him beans on toast, oven ready pie and chips, microwave pizza, fish fingers and smash...etc. Anything you can heat and put on a plate. No prep involved.

After a week or two of that he'll be thankful for a proper meal, however badly sliced your onions!

Easywriter · 01/08/2007 13:06

Right!
I can make a salad, I can make roast dinner (most of the time) I can do pasta and a basic sauce etc.

I can't do anything complicated, it's a mental block, I just find it stressful.

It's like my phobia of wasps. I don't understand it, I know it's silly. The irony is I bake like a dream.

So, as I said I can do simple meals.
(most of the time)

Our family meals are harmonius and fun and we always eat together. (Believe it or not you would probably consider me a foodie as I'm a fresh food advocate) but I know my limitations.

I know it's crazy but I can't cook.I bake with our children DP cooks with them at weekends. I order them out of the kitchen when I cook, it's just WAY too much for me.

P.S.You'll notice I say DP, I'm not married, DP could just walk with pretty much no consequences. The ;point we're converging on is appreciates me for what I can do as I do him.
I think it is poart and parcel of respect.

As you say he's with me in full knowledge that I can't cook, so if he gave me jip for my cooking I would feel v. hard done by.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:06

God how naive, instead of being sidetracked by falling in love I should have been looking for someone to cook, work, worship the ground I walk on, someone who is always polite, cleans up and looks good too. Drat.

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 13:07

Olive - I agree with you, I think that it is up to SAHMs to manage the household.

But that is not the same as being a skivvy/slave, running around doing things for other people that they could perfectly well do for themselves and never get any help or appreciation.

Personally, I think that whatever job you do in life, it is worth doing it to the best of your abilities. Otherwise your self-esteem goes to pots

Easywriter · 01/08/2007 13:08

OK, I can see it's your opinion Anna but surely you can see it's a red rag to a bull too!

I also see that if that's what you an your partner decide at the outside then fair enough

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:11

I think i've just had a revelation

Easywriter · 01/08/2007 13:11

Just caught up with reading.

I have learnt that obviously we all have v. different expecations interms of role names and what we infer from them.

But does it change the point that OP's DH is allowed to be rude cos he doesn't like the way she's made dinner?

auntyspan · 01/08/2007 13:13

Have to agree with Easywriter - sounds like OP's DH has "other issues" like work or something. I don't she would have married him if he was that much of a shit for no real reason.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2007 13:14

why oh why was i so hung up on stimulating intelligent conversation... i should have been looking at where he put his socks - next time ...

potoroo · 01/08/2007 13:14

Muffin - if your DH enjoys cooking on the weekends, then perhaps you could get him to make up a few meals that he likes and that could be frozen? Then you can just defrost them during the week.

Of course that does NOT excuse rudeness - although if he is struggling at work I guess it could be not aimed at you intentionally (again - that does not excuse it).

In the first few months of this pregnancy DS, DH and I ate a lot of toast and rice

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:14

see I don't think that cleaning up and feeding my family makes me a skivvy

I really don't

dh does stuff too, but I do the bulk as I work p/time

when we both worked f/t, pre kids, we both did the housework

anyway, I don't think this has anything to do with the OP tbh

what are you going to do tonight MM? have you discussed it at all today?

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 13:16

Easywriter - all opinions on the job description of the SAHM role are a red rag to a bull. The best thing we can do is share our own opinions of what the job spec is (rather than tell others what it "ought" to be) so that we can learn from one another.

Though personally, I do think that when one half of a couple works hard and earns a decent wage, he/she probably ought not to have to do very much in the way of household chores during the working week. I have worked very, very hard in my time in a highly demanding career and I know from my own experience that being a SAHM is a walk in the park compared with the office

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 01/08/2007 13:18

you liar, work is a peace of piss

I only come here to get a hot cup of coffee instead of one that goes cold whilst I sort out That Is My Barbie WAHHHHHHHHHH fights

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