To suggest my DH goes on holiday alone to relax

[Unpoquitititoloco]

My DH is depressed and anxious at the moment and clearly not enjoying family life with 2 little children. He says he needs a break but can't get one because of his responsibilities to us. Do you think him booking a holiday so he can literally chill out by a pool with 0 responsibilities for a week would be a good thing? If he agreed to it of course.

I would maybe go for a weekend-it’s really hard to readjust having had some time out. And make sure you get time to yourself, too!

Just send him to a gp first. And then go and see what helps

A long weekend would be nice.

He’s blaming his family for his depression instead of getting treatment. Why do you want to reward him with a holiday?

Sounds perfect! I am going away without ds this weekend and I am very much in need of the escape for similar reasons

He says he needs a break but can't get one because of his responsibilities to us.

This is going to sound unsympathetic, but those are the breaks. He can't opt out of family life, just as you can't.

So he feels his responsibilities to his family are making him anxious and depressed? That’s quite an admission.

Has he been to the Dr?

Yes. absolutely suggest this.

time after time on Mumsnet I see ladies posting to other ladies about the importance of self care. This should extend to Dads aswell as mums.
We all need a break sometimes men included.

My Boyfriend and I encourage each other to have wone holiday each on our own at least every other year.

Last year I went on a solo surf trip in Morocco. He went on a solo hiking trip to Madeira.

We had chance to recharge and get back into the rythmn of modern life.
You can't pour from an empty cup. Our DD is happier because her mum and step dad are happy, fulfilled and relaxed.

Did he think being a father or two would be easy?

Before you start booking holidays does he get anytime to himself every week away from home, and I dont mean at work? Even a couple of nights at the gym a week or an evening walk can be a huge benefit. Do you set time aside each week to concentrate on each other? All little things that get easily forgotten when you have small children and can have a massive effect.

Good grief, the double standards on this forum are incredible! Parenting is hard for both men and women. We don’t have the details of the family set up but we know that the OP’s man needs a break. If this were a man suggesting his wife/partner needed a break then everyone would be saying it was a great idea.

Agree with @Singletomingle that it probably won’t take a week away, either. Think smaller as the small things make a difference week to week. There does need to be some time in life which is not for work and not for parenting, but that might just be three hours at home while the rest of the family are at an activity or whatever. A bath and a leisurely breakfast can work wonders. Or it might be at the gym/going for a coffee and a read out of the house for a few hours while the rest of the family are at home. Just half a day can work wonders if it’s on a regular basis and you know it’s guaranteed. I mean this for both of you!

It’s amazing isn’t it. If a woman is finding it hard then she needs more support, more time off, a fucking spa break, but a man “can’t opt out”.

@Unpoquitititoloco why does he feel he can’t get a break because of his responsibilities? Do you have trouble coping on your own or does he just feel that you would? Parenting is a shared “job”, and the man having all the responsibility is quite an old fashioned way of thinking.

It’s important that both parents get time off from the kids, preferably together if you’ve got someone to have them, but separately if not. I honestly think you’d be better trying to go away together for a weekend just the two of you and try and have a good talk with him about how he’s feeling. Get him to see the GP as he could be a candidate for depression.

Look, if a mum said 'my responsibilites towards my family are causing me anxiety', yes it might be suggested she has a break, but the advice would not stop there. She would be asked why this was the case and what she was going to do about it.

A spa break/holiday does not solve anxiety or depression!

Has he been to the gp first and foremost?
I would do it in all honesty, my dp has mental health issues and ended up having a breakdown last year at the end of the year, this year he's had a weekend away on his own and is leaving for a week next week on his own. It has made such a difference in his engagement with me & kids and work

He's been to the GP and seeking help. He has had a full on few years dealing with my own PND and a loss of a very close family member. He currently gets counselling once every couple of weeks. There's no quiet at home and he's really really struggling each weekend. We have not spent much time together either in the last 2 years and we need to kickstart that but I'm thinking a break first to just fully quiet his brain might work wonders and then continue with the daily/weekly shorter alone time

Sounds like a lovely idea. Maybe just make sure you plan something that means he will really relax and read or watch movies and get loads of sleep. I wish DH and I had done this for each of us when DC were smaller. Everyone needs time off the treadmill from time to time. Better this than all those bizarre cycling dads who just feck off for whole Sundays every week leaving the mother to deal with the kids without any consideration.

Given your recent update I think some time away might be a good idea, what about a 3 day weekend away? So 2 nights and 3 days.

What would your plan be? Would you have support/adult company?

Or perhaps you could take the DC and visit a relative for the same time (2 nights/3 days) and leave your DH to enjoy the peace at home?

I feel like he could do with longer than a weekend to be honest. Whenever he does away with work he says he never sleeps well and I think it's because his body clock is still used to being disturbed by little ones so he maybe needs longer to adapt to the peace to just fully relax. I'd be fine - I have parents nearby to help out if and when needed.

Why don't you go away together if your parents can have the kids? Being on his own could cause too much self reflection which isn't always good with struggling mental health, it sounds like you could both do with a break to reconnect. I'm sure that would be the healthiest thing for him, he may feel you're just shipping him off, whereas this invests time with him.

Oooh this is going to stir up a bun fight of epic proportions

He's your DH, they're your kids, your home life, your finances.

You shouldn't need to ask a bunch of strangers whether your should ask your DH a question or not.

But since you have, perhaps you could Google a bun recipe?

"This is going to sound unsympathetic, but those are the breaks. He can't opt out of family life, just as you can't."

100% agree.

He actually has a load of support - counselling, GP on side, supportive wife. He needs to ensure he's addressing the root cause of this. You don't get to decide you just don't want to be a Dad after the event. It's a conversation you have to have before!!

I think most adults benefit from time away, but if he's getting time off then make sure that you do too. Also don't bother booking anything, just let him go where he likes. If it involves airports etc he'll end up more stressed anyway.

Me and my DH both believe that child free time is important to remain sane and happy so we alternate time away from the home to just relax by ourselves and have “me time”.

This month my DH is going to Germany for 3 days and next month I’m off to a Countryside Hotel and Spa for 3 days.

It works for us and it definitely helps our relationships with each other and our relationships with our children

By the way, when women on here are exhorted to 'go to a spa' I always assume that to be as a day visitor, or one night at most. Op wants to send this guy off for a week.