To suggest my DH goes on holiday alone to relax

[Unpoquitititoloco]

My DH is depressed and anxious at the moment and clearly not enjoying family life with 2 little children. He says he needs a break but can't get one because of his responsibilities to us. Do you think him booking a holiday so he can literally chill out by a pool with 0 responsibilities for a week would be a good thing? If he agreed to it of course.

I'd check with him that he actually wants to go away by himself.

My experience was that although I needed space I found it really difficult being away from home/DH when I was at my worst and the idea of being totally alone was terrifying, but I wouldn't have admitted to that and may have used the responsibilities line as an excuse. What helped enormously was getting small bits of time to go to the gym, for a walk on a daily basis. It's a balancing act to get it right that both of you get equal time 'off'.

My DP and I discussed this recently as he was away for work in a nice hotel. I think, if possible, everyone could do with a break from everything once in a while. I'd love time away, completely alone, and intend doing it in the autumn, and if I enjoy it I'd want to make it a yearly thing.
I think you're very kind and thoughtful to suggest it.

Yes do it, sounds like a great idea. As you’re a full grown woman who’s come out the other side of PND and is coping with two littlies I think we can trust you when you say you’ll be fine for a week. As long as he’s getting the other support for the day-to-day stuff this sounds like a great way to reset.

Lots of pps are making big assumptions about your DH. Actually he sounds a bit like mine-who will get up at 5am every morning, bake scones with the DC, make me coffee, go to work, come home, cook for everyone then clean the kitchen and make my work lunch as well. And that’s the basic stuff, there’s loads more. He takes his responsibilities very seriously indeed which is why I have to force him to go and do other stuff from time to time!

@Hotbiscuits do you hire him out?

I agree, speak to him and see what he would like. Everyone needs a break. Maybe he would like a week, ear home or away, or maybe a 3 or 5 day break or maybe he would prefer a set time every weekend to chill. Just ask him before you book anything please. I know when I was in the midst of depression that the thought of organising everything, catching a flight, finding my way around a new place abroad for a week would have seemed overwhelming and I would possibly have flunked out of the whole trip. So check with him, don't book a surprise.

Yeah sounds like a fab idea @Unpoquitititoloco

Then when he comes back, you book a holiday of equal length ON YOUR OWN, away from him and the kids.

Anyone else think this is a reverse, and the OP is the husband?

It sounds like a break could do him good, but also that you both need a bit of time for yourself (i.e. not working and not looking after DC). Time for exercise, a hobby, socializing...whatever.

Once he's had a break, can you arrange things so you both get an equal amount of down time every week? And also try to book in some babysitting so you get time together as a couple?

A couple of nights is a good idea, but also encourage him to see his gp, and perhaps a counsellor

I just think we've got mega strain on our marriage at the moment. He doesn't want to opt out of parenting duties - he probably would like to opt out of family life for a short period of time to just seriously relax. I think I'm better at relaxing than he is. He is quite a selfless person and I think I've realised that I can often take advantage of it without realising

When our dc's were little we couldn't afford a "holiday" but we did love the fact that we had grandparents who would take them for a night or two every few months so we had us time, a lovely meal with wine (normally we would make sure one of us was always capable of driving) followed by a good nights sleep and a lie in. I appreciate not everyone has the support to be able to do this but I know we were better parents for getting some down time for ourselves and each other to recharge once in a while.

OP,

Firstly can I thank you for thinking of your OP during this stressful time?

Your DH is most probably feeling really guilty at the thought of leaving you alone with the kids so he can have a break, depression does this to people.

For the people who are saying "he has enough support", have you ever had depression?? Get some bloody empathy ffs.

It can cripple you and sometimes all you need is to get away and sleep and not have your brain scrabbled even more than it currently is JUST to stop you going completely over the edge.

OP; MrBC does this when everything gets too much for him. He ha a very stressful job and his family make Eastenders looks like a fun place to live!!

He just goes away to either house sit for a relative (who lives up North so the family can't get to him) or to a cheap hotel so he can just "switch off" and recharge his brain and batteries as even being at home is too much for him to cope.

I had to almost bully him into taking "time out" the first time I suggested it, seeing him sobbing his heart out because he saw it as "leaving me all alone" broke my heart.

You would think at this day and age a man's MH is just as worthy as a woman's, but not on MN!

The fact you state there is a strain in your marriage is all the more reason to do something together IMO.

He can't opt out of family life

You don’t think parents need a break sometimes?

You think someone with depression should just suck it up because they are a parent?

No one else's business. If you think this then you can offer it to him. (It wouldn't bother me if my DH went off on his own or with friends without me. We all need down time....I often have a day out with my friends....nights away are less frequent...but my DH supports me so I would equally support him). X

I think there would be nothing wrong with it, if it would do him good and he would enjoy that. However, I wonder whether you are hoping you can make a sacrifice for a week, and expect it to fix him. Because I don't think depression works like that.

I also think that smaller long term changes would do more good than a one off holiday, e.g. exercise time, hobby, etc. But that doesn't mean you can't do both.

OP I think you're bloody lovely. And yes, let him have a break. He's not superman and you talk clearly about how present he is in family life. The people posting negative things are just unaware that there are men out there that can be bloody good husbands and fathers and deserve a bit of self care as much as anyone else. My DH and I both take time out for this and we are better parents for it. Try to give yourself a break too if you can, it's not tit for tat but do something that will give you some headspace too.