I think I'm hard work

[AirRaidShelter]

Hello. I dont know why im posting this really but does anyone ever get the feeling they are hard work?
i seem to have had so many friendships and everything is fine but they stops contacting me. I dont really want to ask what the problem is as id be mortified if they told me something awful

Why do you think this is happening?
Are you a good listener?
Are you kind?
Are you punctual?
Do you keep your word?

Why do you think you might be? Do you have lots of problems that you talk about perhaps? Or are you very anxious or too chatty or too laid back or unreliable? It could be anything, or they could just have become more busy with other things. Why are you thinking you’re ‘hard work?’ specifically?

Can you reflect on yourself and see why this is happening?

Do you change arrangements a lot?
Are you moody?
Do you like to get your own way?
Are you unnecessarily frugal / tight with money?
Do you dominate conversations?

I really don't know. Im punctual and a good listener. Ive been told im lovely by alot of people and one lady at work says i keep her sane. I dont really talk about my problem as thats a bit boring for other people

i hope i dont dominate conversations. Im defo not frugal or tight and i dont cancel arrangements

Some people are just dicks op
It doesn't sound like its you

Do you make the effort to keep in contact with other people?
If they are the ones always getting in touch to arrange meeting up or just to chat, then maybe you come across as not interested in them?

Are you my DM op?

If so, the reality is that yes you are really fucking hard work.

Maybe your not letting yourself go enough you may come across as a bit dull? What’s brought this on specifically? Maybe your overthinking things?

I dont really talk about my problem as thats a bit boring for other people

This may be the problem. If you're letting people share their problems with you, but don't share back, there may come a time when they think to themselves that they you obviously don't like them, or maybe that should be trust them, as much as they've trusted you, and so they back off.

Just a thought, not necessarily true.

Thats nice MrsElizabethShelby.
i tend to be the one who keeps in touch and i start thinking why am i making all the effort so when i scale it back i never hear from them again. I dont want to pester people if they dont want to know

To be fair, real friendships are few and far between. But I agree that I would think it odd if someone was always listening to me and never sharing anything of themselves. It isn't boring - shared experiences, good and not so good, are the bond of friendships. Anyone who finds your life boring (unless it's a constant stream about you, which doesn't seem to be the case) isn't a friend anyway.

Maybe you are too nice? Sounds silly but it happens! I tend to be in the same predicament. I have to contact people... And then give up and don't hear from them again. Unless they want to vent their prpblems

i mean i dont act like my life is perfect and i do talk about issues but id hate to be the draining friend

Hi AiraRaidShelter

Do your friends have kids and you dont? So times that's makes a difference but I'll not go into it in case it's not relevant!

Life gets in the way for a lot of friendships. I make new acquaintances often but after maybe a few weeks/months we no longer talk. I dont think either of us has done anything wrong it's just maybe we didn't have as much in common as we thought or we're too busy. Do you have a handful of good friends you keep in regular contact with?

one lady at work says i keep her sane

On the off chance that I'm that lady and you're one of my colleagues : don't ever change, you're absolutely lovely as you are and you're being a bit irrational.

I think a lot of people are really shit at staying in touch. Plus people's lives are very busy - if someone has a job and kids (let alone any kind of interest or hobby) then it's very easy for their diary to fill up months in advance.

I once lost a friend in the following scenario: she got a new boyfriend and became really flaky. Cancelled repeatedly last minute (costing me money, more than once), made up stupid lies about why she wasn't coming, asked who else would be coming before she committed, etc etc. After a while I figured she couldn't want to see me that badly, and I cba with this, so I stopped sending invites. "If she wants to see me she'll call." She never did.

6 years later I bumped into her at a wedding. She wanted to know why she'd suddenly been "cut out of the group". She hadn't been, she just never bothered to make the first call. And she lost quite a large group of friends as a result.

I'm not suggesting that what is happening is your fault and you never make the first move (although maybe that's the case?), more trying to illustrate how rubbish lots of people are at organising social stuff.

I also think that finding a really good friend who you properly click with is at least as hard as finding a really good partner who you properly click with. Finding people you get on ok with and enjoy spending some time together is easier, but I think those friendships take more work to maintain.

Most of my friends have children as do i I was friendly with a group of mums but we went out once and some of them were pulling faces

People who are 'hard work' are often blissfully unaware of the fact, and even if they know, usually don't care.

You're looking to yourself as a possible cause of the problem, evaluating your own behaviour and responding in a self-reflective way.

From this alone, you don't sound 'hard work' to me!

Friendships are two way street: friends share, you share. I'm sure whatever you have to say isn't "boring." Maybe you're just overly self conscious about what you say and you end up deciding to talk less.

Most of my friends have children as do i I was friendly with a group of mums but we went out once and some of them were pulling faces

What do you mean they were pulling faces? Was it when you were talking or ?

But you don’t actually think you are hard work because you don’t know what would make you hard work. In fact you’ve told us how great you are.

I don't think there is evidence you are hard work. You went on one night and didn't quite fit with the group- no huge loss. People are crap at staying in touch, it's not personal necessarily, life is busy and some people don't prioritize friends. I would find a few good friendships rather than trying to be 'in' with lots of people, that tends to work better and then you will know if they genuinely like you. Also there's a difference between being a moaner and negative and never revealing anything personal. If you never show your whole self, it will be hard to make deeper friendships. I think it is your idea of friendships that might need slight adjustment, not your personality.

i dont think im great yabbers at all. I wonder if the problem is me so if i thought i was great i wouldnt question myself
Thank you to the others for sensible answers.
The women were pulling faces when i was talking yes

I have been wondering the same thing OP, about me, not you! I seem to be the one that always texts first, and if I don't, I seldom get something from them.

I am left wondering if I am an arsehole, and people would rather avoid me!

But when we do meet up, they seem to like me and we chat for hours, our kids get on, they seem keen to meet up again, and then nothing!

I don't know OP, maybe I am an arsehole, I try very hard not to be! I have a group of woman I am friends with and we always have a fantastic time together and I am told I am lovely, interesting and fun (which is very good to hear), but when it comes to Mum friends, it seems so much harder. I doubt it is you, you sound like you deserve better really.