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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to help choose my wedding?

66 replies

FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 29/07/2019 17:56

I'm getting married on a Sunday next April. We've got the date 'saved' at three places but need to choose now...

Venue #1 - in Europe, somewhere me & fiancé have been together and apart. 90% of our guests have said they'd come for the weekend. Bit of a pain organising it, but the venue have been great. I feel this place will make it less obvious that DF has a huge family and I have no one, I am entirely orphaned. Downside... it does mean flying people abroad, fiancés parents think his family won't come and they don't seem at all happy about it, they keep telling us about abroad weddings gone wrong but telling us to do what we like. It is getting more expensive because of flights etc.

Venue #2 - Close to home, but eye-wateringly expensive next year. Treble what we'd pay this year! No negotiation allowed. Not isolated, but not much to do or places to stay nearby. We couldn't marry until 4pm and I suspect people would leave to go home after the meal for kids/work, so we wouldn't have much of a reception. But, it is beautiful and has some elements that we love.

Venue #3 - A little bit isolated, about 35 minutes from where we live. Beautiful, lots of outside space. Has accommodation if people want to stay and it's pretty reasonable. Price is really good, food seems good, they're attentive. It's still a bit unusual. Only real downside is that we couldn't accommodate everyone's children, the rooms aren't big enough. We could put on a big taxi to get people home after the reception if they didn't want to stay.

I'm pretty much hating planning, it feels so stressful... we've looked at so many venues now! Where would you go?

OP posts:

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 09:53

I think you should go with #1 now but how you originally planned it, just with his parents.

Most abroad weddings usually also require a legal marriage in the UK though so you will be in a registry office at some point.

Snoopdogsbitch · 30/07/2019 10:02

Like other PP said- your dream of option 1 ( just the 2 of you or only parents) then a huge party locally for everyone.

This is what we did, just 2 of us- then moving onto a trip of a lifetime for honeymoon- followed by a huge party for 200 when we got home. Was brilliant and we spent most of the money on the honeymoon.

Original poster

FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 30/07/2019 10:09

Most abroad weddings usually also require a legal marriage in the UK though so you will be in a registry office at some point.

Thanks, I had checked this - thankfully we could legally wed there without needing to do anything in the UK.

I'm going to talk to DF again this evening. My preference would strongly be just the two of us abroad, I felt his parents was a compromise, but then that became his family, which isn't small, and then his friends... he doesn't want a massive wedding, but he has been best man at about five weddings and has a fairly decent sized group of close friends now, and I think he'd like them involved somehow. I had thought a party when we got back would be fine...

I'll take another look at registry offices, too.

I don't want to make it all about me. His parents are generally lovely and his wider family have been very welcoming of me. His mum just seems very against the idea that we marry without the wider family being there, and that seems to have grown into the idea that I'm purposefully trying to keep his side small as mine is. His dad is a lot more relaxed and says to do what we want. They had a registry office wedding followed by a party in a big family garden, but I know they wanted something bigger. I just don't. I've never been a centre-of-attention, big-dress type person...

OP posts:

CareerChaos · 30/07/2019 10:18

I'd go 3, for me I would want my DP's family there to celebrate and for guests the reception is the best part IMO

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/07/2019 10:29

I think you’re right to stick to your plan. Most of the wedding day regret stories are about other people having influence over the day. Mainly guests the couple didn’t want, and the dress,. It’s a very common issue in wedding planning.

If you get on well with his parents and his dad doesn’t seem to mind either, I’d take them as a compromise/witnesses.

His mum can be involved with planning a party for when you get back perhaps?

Sooverthemill · 30/07/2019 10:59

Was going to say 3 but reading all your updates I've changed my mind. Go for 1 but tell everyone ( if your fiancé agrees) that it's parents and ( for example) 4 very close friends. And have a party when you are married at the place near you, assuming it's on budget. Don't pay for hotels for party.
I've been married more than once. The first I was far too young and got bullied into lots of people coming. We had wanted it just us, parents and siblings. No one else. But the night before, 20 relatives of his turned up saying 'wouldn't miss it for the world'. Made it all sooooo stressful as I then worried about everyone else. It wasn't why we divorced but his family were never easy

My best ever wedding was when it was me and him, his kids, my dad, his mum and our bestest friends and their kids. It was joyful, intimate, an expression of our love, still married still friends. We then had a big party 9 months later

QforCucumber · 30/07/2019 11:31

We went abroad, just us 2 and 2 friends. We had a party when we came back, family weren't too happy but since they weren't paying for this big thing that they wanted we did it how we wanted it. The ceremony was 5 minutes and was streamed online.

TheGlitterFairy · 30/07/2019 13:11

Option 1. Also got married overseas in Europe - invited 40, 30 came - then had a party for over 100 after honeymoon. Was great! Your wedding, up to you how you do it! As others have said - not everyone will come who’s invited - and guests should expect to pay their airfare/ accommodation. We paid for everything else for 3 nights / days. Good luck!

EscapeTheOrdinary · 30/07/2019 13:45

I would go option 1 but that’s because I did that! I’m sure some people were horrified at our choice at first and sure some people were shocked not to get an invite but it was 1000% the right choice for us. Small, intimate and perfect in every way.

Have the wedding you want. It’s your day so do what makes you happy

CheerfulMuddler · 30/07/2019 13:50

Get married on your own abroad and don't tell anyone. Combine it with the honeymoon or a holiday to save on costs. Then have a civil service in venue 3 and when you disappear to 'sign the certificates' have a glass of champagne and a cuddle instead.
Nobody need ever know.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/07/2019 13:52

Option 3 sounds best to me. Guests can get there without the huge expense. I don't think too many will want to stay over as it's a Sunday. Sounds perfect.

Nonnymum · 30/07/2019 14:11

Are there any other options? None seem to be exactly what you seem to be looking for.
I think you should think about what matters most yo you. Are there people you particularly want to attend? If so how likely are they able to attend which one. What type of event do you want, do you want something informal or something more formal. Etc I would go through a list of what matters most to you then see which venue is closest to that if none of those 3 options don't tick most of the boxes look for somewhere else. But remember whatever you choose you won't please everyone so just please yourselves and those closest to you but be understanding if people say they can't attend Good luck!

Pippa12 · 30/07/2019 14:28

Go abroad, somebody will do all the organising for you if you hire/book a venue with a coordinator.

I’m always perplexed at mumsnets destination wedding hatters. It’s bizzare. Invite your guests, they can politely decline, it’s not a summons. Unless the B&G are getting in a serious moody Margaret about it I really don’t understand the drama. Your wedding is about you, nobody else! You just need to sincerely express that there are no hard feelings to those how do not wish/do not want to travel!

Go with your heart

chantico · 30/07/2019 14:42

#3 is the least worst - assuming there is other accommodation nearby for those who do not chooseomsat the due?

But frankly, I'd keep looking. Something like 3 but with enough space for all your guests, and near a good range of variously priced accommodation. In the long run, the people are way more important than the place

Atlasta · 30/07/2019 14:49

Option 1.
It really sounds like this is where your heart lies.
Option 3 sounds good but would you be doing it more to keep others happy?
Option 2- No

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 14:56

What cheerful mudder said! Cunning plan!

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