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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help choose my wedding?

66 replies

FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 29/07/2019 17:56

I'm getting married on a Sunday next April. We've got the date 'saved' at three places but need to choose now...

Venue #1 - in Europe, somewhere me & fiancé have been together and apart. 90% of our guests have said they'd come for the weekend. Bit of a pain organising it, but the venue have been great. I feel this place will make it less obvious that DF has a huge family and I have no one, I am entirely orphaned. Downside... it does mean flying people abroad, fiancés parents think his family won't come and they don't seem at all happy about it, they keep telling us about abroad weddings gone wrong but telling us to do what we like. It is getting more expensive because of flights etc.

Venue #2 - Close to home, but eye-wateringly expensive next year. Treble what we'd pay this year! No negotiation allowed. Not isolated, but not much to do or places to stay nearby. We couldn't marry until 4pm and I suspect people would leave to go home after the meal for kids/work, so we wouldn't have much of a reception. But, it is beautiful and has some elements that we love.

Venue #3 - A little bit isolated, about 35 minutes from where we live. Beautiful, lots of outside space. Has accommodation if people want to stay and it's pretty reasonable. Price is really good, food seems good, they're attentive. It's still a bit unusual. Only real downside is that we couldn't accommodate everyone's children, the rooms aren't big enough. We could put on a big taxi to get people home after the reception if they didn't want to stay.

I'm pretty much hating planning, it feels so stressful... we've looked at so many venues now! Where would you go?

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 29/07/2019 18:36

It really depends on whether you actually want people to come. If having certain people/lots of people there is important to you then you need to be considerate to their needs. If its not then do what you want but make it clear to your invitees that you don’t expect them to come.

SciFiScream · 29/07/2019 18:36

Option 3. Then you go to the European destination with your (then) DH as a mini-moon followed up by a honeymoon too!

Brexit would make a European wedding destination a nervous/anxious choice for me (as a Bride and as a guest!)

Guests might say now they'd come, but I bet it would be easier for all of them to go to option 3 than option 1 (unless some live near option 1 already)

Option 4 - elope and then have a massive party at some point!

Original poster
FluffySocksAndMarshmallows · 29/07/2019 21:12

Thanks all, there's some great thoughts here. To answer the questions, there are few kids in the invite list really - none in the family, I have a couple of friends with two or three, I think fiancé has one guest with two. Venue #3 could possibly find a way to accommodate all of them. We're not talking huge numbers wherever it is, I'd like it to be quite small. Maximum number is 55 right now but I'd rather it was less!

Venue #1 was my dream but I wanted to elope, just the two of us, or us and his parents. They wanted to invite family; then some friends wanted to come, and now we've got here where it's stressful, more expensive and not even what I really wanted. I'm mindful of Brexit, and although it is somewhere most people said they intended to visit, I know people will probably drop out or be a bit resentful of having to spend annual leave and money on attending... I feel a bit cheeky there.

I was the one against a registry office initially; they remind me a lot of where I was taken into care several times as a child; hence preferring places that feel a bit different... but maybe I should revisit that. Ill have a think.

Thank you all for your thoughts Thanks

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 29/07/2019 21:41

What does your heart tell you?
What is important to you?
If you don't like organising rule out option one,option two is really not worth the money imho,it's one day!,option three is the practical answer.
But if none feel right,do what is best for you both,even if you elope to Gretna Green then have a party afterwards.
Have a beautiful day.Flowers

onanothertrain · 29/07/2019 21:48

You clearly don't love any of the options. Is that it? If so I'd go for 3

RedSheep73 · 29/07/2019 21:49
  1. I'm assuming when you say can't accommodate kids, you mean overnight - but if it isn't in the wilderness, why is that a problem?
aibutohavethisusername · 29/07/2019 21:51

Number 3

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/07/2019 21:54

Option 1! I had a destination wedding. It’s less stress because there’s not a lot you can bring. You leave it up the venue and the destination to do the talking.
And it sounds like it means something.

Option 2 is expensive - rule it out.

Option 3 Sounds ok. Probably the easiest. Would it end up looking like everyone else’s wedding though?

BTW nothing wrong with a late ceremony. People can get up late and have lunch first.

OrangeCinnamon · 29/07/2019 21:57

Could you tell us location in case there is secret place mumsnetters can come up with...Don't worry if you don't want to out.

QforCucumber · 29/07/2019 21:58

1 - but do it your way. Either just you 2 or you 2 and his parents. Dont give them the option. Have a reception when you return if you want. Do what YOU want or you'll be forever resentful

Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 22:01

#3
Abroad weddings are a bit cheeky and put guests under pressure to fund the trip and may have to forego their family holiday or other things.

Eustasiavye · 29/07/2019 22:04

I would choose option 1 but don't invite any more people than you feel comfortable with.

Nothingcomesforfree · 29/07/2019 22:05

Read your update.

Woman up. Stick to your dream.

Play the orphan card if you have to but his parents don’t get to pick your day or guests. Go and have your dream wedding.

Small weddings are fabulous. It’s so special making the vows just
you two. As soon as you have guests then you need to think about them the whole day.

Butterfly02 · 29/07/2019 22:13

Option 1 or 3

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 29/07/2019 22:15

Having organised a wedding abroad, it was really really easy, you just hire a wedding co-ordinator/planner and they take care of everything

stucknoue · 29/07/2019 22:20

You need to think what you want. Weddings abroad are always smaller and it's not normal to pay for flights or hotel costs except perhaps a parent if they couldn't afford it, but at the ones I've been to there has been a free bar plus a reception type event the night before to welcome people.

But remember that it's really about being married, not the wedding so ensure that you can afford whatever option you choose

willstarttomorrow · 29/07/2019 22:22

OP, what do you and DP really want? One or three but defiantly not two. However I think there is a four which you have not worked out yet. Good luck.

Boopeedoop · 29/07/2019 22:22

I say none of the options are totally what you want so keep looking.

stucknoue · 29/07/2019 22:26

You mentioned registry offices - remember you can go to any and some are in amazing listed buildings. There's also the church option, the rules are pretty lax these days - 3 visits in a year is deemed sufficient to claim you attend the church - plenty have large halls which you can get caterers into or organise food, then fly off to your dream honeymoon ...

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2019 22:40

#1 but with the tiny guest list you actually wanted. Then, if you like, a bigger party nearer home later.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/07/2019 22:44

I’m sorry you lost your parents young & grew up in care, it must be upsetting especially while planning your wedding.🌷

After your update I think you should do 1 as it’s your dream, but I think you need to plan it how YOU want it & don’t allow it to be hijacked by (well meaning, but misguided) family & friends

If you’re not brave enough to do that, then 3 sounds lovely.

4 I think you’re right to avoid registry offices in your situation.

NOT 2- that would be foolish.

CheerfulMuddler · 29/07/2019 22:48

I want to say hold out for 1 with his parents. But I see that you've probably reached the point where you've gone past that. What is the absolute minimum number of people you could invite to 1. without massively pissing off people you and your partner love? I have a friend who got married overseas and she didn't even invite her sister. I was sad because I wanted to see her married, and I think her sister was too. But you know what? We love her. We got over it. We smiled and looked at the photographs and said how beautiful it looked. Will your partner's parents do the same for him?

Failing that, 35 minutes isn't that far from the nearest town. I would ask people to tick a box on the wedding invite if they'd like a coach/minibus back to town at midnight, and then book one.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 30/07/2019 00:10

Had we received a wedding invitation to any wedding abroad, whilst our dcs were young, it wouldn't have mattered how much we cared for the couple, we could not have gone as we could not have afforded it. Even a wedding here, involving an overnight stay, would have been a push. When BIL married, we had to stay two nights in Travel Inn and by the time we had all had new (cheap) outfits and bought a gift, that was out holiday budget for the year.
From the options you've given, no 3 sounds best to me, if I was a potential guest. But in the end, you need to do what you want and accept, that if abroad, some people might not make it.

DexyMidnight · 30/07/2019 02:59

Option 1. We have been invited to several lovely weddings abroad and have been to most. When we didn’t go it was either cost or lack of annual leave and we politely declined and wished the bride and groom a great day.

I was also (when younger) invited to a close family relative’s wedding abroad and I declined. Was a student at time so money tight anyway and also didn’t want to lose a week’s pay (no holiday pay to speak of as I was only a summer temp). My parents didn’t even go because it was Greece and flights were Sat to Sat - not possible to go for just the weekend.

Guess what? No one took umbridge that the couples in question had the audacity to marry abroad and the couples didn’t put pressure on anyone to attend.

Do what you want OP - no one aside from your parents will come out of a sense of obligation. They’ll come because they don’t want to miss it!

LellyMcKelly · 30/07/2019 05:56

Sounds like none of them are in any way suitable. Why don’t you make a list of your priorities and then find a venue that can accommodate them? PS. That 80% who say they will come abroad will shrink to about 20% by the time the wedding actually happens.