Is it a good choice to be a step parent?

[Frugalfox]

I'll start by saying that I'm airing these views on an anonymous forum, I would never dream of saying anything in real life. I know it's none of my business, but I'm interested in the views of mumsnetters and to see if anyone shares my view.

Firstly, I am a step mum to two almost grown ups. I am very fond of my stepchildren but to say it's been hard (and continues to be) is an understatement. If I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have entered into a relationship with my DH, as much as I love him, the heartache has probably not been worth it.

Anyway back to my AIBU. My friend has a son, aged 22 who is due to marry later this summer. He is a lovely young man, very sociable, good with people, did well at school, has a good job, talented musician, lots going for him. He's young to be marrying these days, but it used to be the norm. His fiancee is the same age and has two children aged 6 and 7, she was a very young mum. AIBU to silently judge his choice? I don't know very much about his fiancee and it's none of my business but just the fact he's going to be a step dad at such a young age. I guess I'm a little biased due to my own experience.

We hear lots on here about step mums and how they can do no right. This is a question about whether its a good choice to be a step parent at all and whether, given the choice, we would all be better if we didn't choose a partner with kids from a previous relationship.

I am in a similar situation to your friend’s son, but from the female perspective. I had my DC relatively young and met my BF a year ago. My DC rarely see their father, I have my own business and I have also just started a new part time job.

My BF earns A LOT more than me, in fact I’d err on the side of saying he is in the bracket of ‘rich or very well off.’ He is a home owner, has a nice car, lots of holidays and freedoms... but he wants to be with me because we have lots in common, mutual respect for one another, we are a team. He has stepped into a parental role to my DC and we are planning on moving in together in the next few months.

I’d hate to think that anyone was judging our relationship on the basis of me being a mum. Having step kids is hard, but so is having your own children, a job, mortgage, bills, bereavement, mental illness and all of the other difficult things that can come with adult life.

We all silently judge, whether we make those thoughts public is an entirely different matter.

Exactly.

Not many people/family members would tell you how they feel about your choice.

I know a friend was in that situation. She didn't like her DDs BF, but knew saying anything negative would push them closer together. She was elated when they split up, but supported her DD anyway.

You'll never know if you're being judged, if the person doesn't want you to know.

When my DB was getting married, my Dsis didn't like his fiancee for a number of reasons. She didn't let her know that though. I wasn't overly keen myself, but I didn't tell DB and tried to be supportive with his choice.

Anyone who proclaims not to judge others, is not speaking the truth. We do it on a subconscious level at times and may not even realise it.

Well you're certainly being nosy and unpleasant.

As PP said, it's really her you're being mean about. For something that happened when she was a child that you don't know the details of.

I don't think I would judge if I'm honest. But then my DP is a step parent to my 4 children. He has no children and we get judged for him taking on 4 when he didn't particularly want children himself.

However, that's irrelevant. What is relevant is that every family dynamic, blended or not, is different. There are so many variables, from relationships with ex partners to your own relationship, plus the support network you have around you.

The situation may turn out great or terrible, nobody knows. To judge I think would be grossly unfair. I read recently that the shame you are made to feel about situations that may be beyond your control as a child and young adult have the greatest influence over how you may function in later life.

In my opinion, judging someone for taking on step children is secretly or openly, shaming the resident parent, shaming the children and shaming the person who has chosen their partner complete with children.

But, I must stress, that is only my opinion and not meant to shame 😀

Best thing that happened to me. If it weren't for her already having a fab Mum, I'd call her my own. She's enriched my life in so many ways. She's now an adult and knows her Dad better than most so is a good ally to me. I'm looking forward to being a Step-Gran!

I’d hate to think that anyone was judging our relationship on the basis of me being a mum.

People will be. They'll be thinking your BF could do better and find a single woman without the baggage of kids... but their opinions don't matter as long as they keep them to themselves.

They may view you as looking for a rich man to be a father to your DC.

Their views are irrelevant to your day to day life as your BF has made his choice to be with you and is happy with it.

A good saying is ....... "Those that mind don't matter and those matter don't mind"

Being a step father is much less judged and much easier than being a step mother (in general and on MN)

I’m a step mum to two brilliant girls. On lives with us, one lives with mum. The one who lives with us has no contact with mum at all, so I do all of the traditional ‘mum’ role with her. She a tricky one, and we’re working through some really big issues, but she’s my world and I would do anything for her, the little git.

That said, whilst I love them both to bits and would do absolutely anything for them, it’s BLOODY hard. I have to accept that although I love, cry and hurt for them just like a biological mother would, society still looks upon me as ‘just’ a stepmum. I’ll always be the ‘also ran’ in their life story.

DH and I do not have a child of our own yet, which is a conscious decision that we’ve made so as not to impact the girls. Its undoubtably best for them and without question the right decision, but, selfishly, not best for me. We’re both getting older and the chance is slipping away. In sad moments I think it would be lovely to get the chance to be a mum to a child from day one, getting to be part of all the good bits as well as having to manage the bad (which is how it currently feels) but I know the bad will pass, and I know I am lucky to be a part of the girls life and get a chance to be involved with two amazing children - they are my priority and that’s how it is. If we don’t end up with another child, so be it.

Would I choose this life again? Yes - I love them and wouldn’t want to be without them. Everyone thought I was mad at the time, and I’m sure they still do, but we are a great team.

Is it right for everyone? That’s dependent on the individual. At 22 i was far too selfish to sacrifice anything I wanted for anyone else, partner OR child. Maybe I was horribly immature, but I certainly was all about me and living my life, I couldn’t have done this then.

I am sure people will be, and I’ve agonised over that for months. Asking him constantly to the point of annoyance if he’s sure he wants to be with me, take on this responsibility, that I’ll never earn as much as him... but alas he has constantly reassured me and countered every point I’ve brought up with his own. I am lucky and we are great.

I would hate the think people would judge me, or anyones relationship really, because relationships boil down to the two individuals and their happiness. There are so, so many variables that can make a relationship more difficult or stressful aside from one party already having kids. I like that saying SandyY2K

Being a step parent is hard, but at times so is being a parent.

Yabu to judge his decisions based on your own experiences.

All relationships come with potential struggles and difficulties at times, whether you are a biological parent, step-parent or not a parent at all.

They'll be thinking your BF could do better and find a single woman without the baggage of kids

The single child free woman could be less intelligent, less kind, less funny, less charismatic, less attractive, have less in common, be abusive and controlling etc.

I don’t think anyone automatically thinks a person can ‘do better’ than someone who has children. I doubt anyone thought Brad Pitt could do better than Angelina just because she already had kids. You don’t turn into some sort of hideous, odious toad just because you have children.

With all due respect, unless you've known someone through work/existing friend etc, I can never understand why someone without kids would actively pursue a relationship with someone with kids.

I assume most people disclose their parental status early in the dating process and so again whilst that person is still effectively a stranger to you why choose a situation where there's so much baggage (lifetime of dealing with ex-P, forking out for someone elses kids, kids could hate you)?

As I said I'm excluding growing close to someone at work/through a club/existing friend. Can someone really have an earth shattering personality after a few dates that it's worth pursuing over a single person without children (bearing in mind raising children in most situations is tough)? Or is that someone is that attractive then you think yes it's worth taking on the burden of their kids?

I agree with you OP. I can’t fathom why he’s thinking this is a good idea!

It depends what kind of person you are and how you intend to be a step parent like any parent. My step dad and I get on great and I adore him and him me. We have a fantastic relationship. He is a very laid back guy and in the early days was very conscious not step on my dads toes or attempt to become my dad. We have a different relationship he built himself and I love it. My step mum However...alright we get on now ish but not independently of my dad. She is quite an insecure woman and I think could never handle that I was always a direct link to my dads ex wife. Now I’m older it’s easier but growing up it was tricky at times. I have had both step parents in my life for over 20 years and they are like chalk and cheese. But so are their personalities 🤷‍♀️

My boyfriend is a step dad to my daughter. They truly love each other but it has been a hard transistion for all of us.
I purposfully chose not to date men with children when I split from my DD bio dad, there would have been too many dynamics.

But if it's not my relationship it's not my business.

The single child free woman could be less intelligent, less kind, less funny, less charismatic, less attractive, have less in common, be abusive and controlling etc.

This really isn't the point.
She could be normal, like the majority of society. We're not talking about finding someone purely on the basis of them being single, regardless of abusive traitor anything else.

I don’t think anyone automatically thinks a person can ‘do better’ than someone who has children.

You'd be surprised. There are few circumstances where ppl dont think that IME.

It would be said about a young woman getting with a man with kids too. I'd think a 22 yo woman marrying a man with kids could do without the hassle and find a man without kids. Too much headache with the Ex, the back and forth between houses and the reduced family income. I would never have married a man with kids in my twenties uo to mid thirties.

Not so much an older woman (late 30s +) getting with a man with kids... as her childbearing years are not guaranteed.

In fact for women in this category...getting with a man with kids is better... because you won't be under pressure to conceive.

When my cousin married a 39 yo lady (2nd marriage) everyone said thank God he already has kids.

Sadly...it ended up that she couldn't have kids and my Aunt and Uncle weren't really worried or bothered about GC....except they wanted her to have a baby for herself as she was down about it. My cousin already had his kids from first marriage and wasn't fussed either. It wasn't stressing him out, the way she was stressed.

I doubt anyone thought Brad Pitt could do better than Angelina just because she already had kids

Yeah...with celebs like this it's not comparable.

With their kind of money it changes everything. No bio dad to contend with and they could both carry on with their careers without the kids impacting them.

The kids could be in the East Wing of one of their many houses with the nanny/nannies and they wouldn't hear a peep.

At that age particularly, you do wonder.

One scenario is she divorces him in a few years, cuts him out of her life and he's invested in a relationship with the children and is not allowed to see them anymore.

It depends if the father is active in their lives.
I think it can work out if he takes on the role of their father.
It depends on the biological parent's relationship, if it is troubled it can spoil the set up.

Being a step father is much less judged and much easier than being a step mother (in general and on MN)
Of course on MN but not in real life. Being a SD is as hard if not harder than being a SM, men just don't open up about their feelings the way women do, that's all.

OP is not judging the girl (but of course some posters can't help taking things personally) but is judging his decision to enter in that life.

I think a lot of it depends on the circumstances. How long they've been together, do the kids see their dad, is there only one ex and does she get along with him. Dis she finish her education and work or will he be expeced to support them financially.

Sadly the reality is that the odds are against them that they will make it a successful marriage, but everything is possible. I hope they defeat the odds.

But if everybody made the choice not to date people with kids then all of the people who are single parents through no fault of their own wouldn't have the opportunity of a future relationship- hopefully with a better person than the one who left them and their children, or the women with children who left an abusive relationship, why shouldn't they get a second chance at a good relationship?

I think after the age of 30 it is very unusual to meet a partner without any past be it DC, an longterm relationship now ex, tied to a mortgage etc.

I agree, most men over 30 will have a family and are “back on the market” due to a relationship breakdown. This may be a vast generalisation and there will be many without families but that’s not what we’re talking about here. When I met DH I’d been dating for a while (mostly via OLD) and almost all had kids. I had no experience of blended family and had no idea what I was getting into. It’s not been all bad, but by god we’ve had some lows.

There is a favourite quote for step mums on here “you knew he had kids when you met him”, yes that’s true but who can know what that involves when you’ve never done it before?

The two children who are about to become my friend’s son’s DSC are very young and they’ve been together about 3 years so he’s known them from almost babies. That may make things easier, particularly if their dad isn’t on the scene or is not going to cause issues.

Whilst I agree with your original post, I don't quite understand how one wouldn't anticipate issues arising from a man with children.

Step familes are complicated and from my late teens I would never have dated a man with kids, much less marry one, because I always anticipated it to be an issue.

I never wanted a husband who would always have to maintain contact with his Ex because they have kids. I also wouldn't really want our finances to be affected because of child support or spousal support.... and that's why I'm surprised these issues aren't anticipated.

There are many things you don't have to have actually done, to have a very good idea it won't be plain sailing.

Does he generally like kids ? Has he known his girlfriend for long ? Are her kids hard work ?

I would worry slightly because at his age he doesn’t know what he is getting himself into, so hope he isn’t rushing it so he doesn’t end up with regrets.

But I do think life is usually a lot harder for s step mum than it is for s step dad. So I wouldn’t think he has it as hard. The female is usually the primary carer in the house most of the time and he will probably be appreciated 10 times for anything he does...

Unfair planet

As the bio dad is not on the scene and they are together three years he knows the DC well, It could easily work.
Wish the young couple your best.

I hope they strengthen each other and have a great life.