To be friends with an ex con?

[OnTheFence1]

I'm studying for a degree in criminal psychology and have gotten in touch with an interesting character online who is doing the same, they are an ex con who spent time in prison themselves but now work with offenders in the community and educate youth with an aim to curb offending and for all intents and purposes appear to have completely turned their life around. Credit where it's true.

I'm very interested in this person from a psychology and personal stand point, not in that way but I could see us being friends. We've been chatting through email about the work they've been doing and have really hit it off.

I'm wondering if this is irresponsible of me given that I have children. I have no intention of my children ever meeting this man, but of course there's that niggle in the back of my mind that says it's not a good idea to befriend criminals, be it reformed or not?

What are your thoughts?

Where it's due* that was supposed to say, not true.

You're treating this person as a curiosity to be studied which is incredibly patronising.

I think it would depend on their offending history. How much do you actually know about them? What did he do?

‘Don’t befriend anyone who’s been in prison’ is a pretty broad rule. It puts this man, who is actively helping young people to avoid ending up in his position, in the same bracket as a repeat offender who’s done more porridge than the three bears. Why not treat him as an individual?

Ex con Is a ridiculously naive term.

What was his offending history and What are his values now, would be a better thing to base it on

Absolutely depends on their crime - not just what they got caught for, but other unproven offences

Have you studied the dessistence theory yet and are you aware that as he no longer sees himself as a criminal he has changed his narrative of himself.

I work in a job where my manager was a heroin addict in his early 20s, I myself was a drug user in my teens and lots of other staff have lived experience on the other side of what we do now. I find your patronising view of him scary for someone studying who should have learnt how to critically think by now.

I don't think it's fair to put all ex con to same line.

But I thibk you need to ask if you are truly interested in this person as a friend or is he a useful connection or if you are just interested in him in professional capacity.

Surely your studies have taught you something about boundaries?

If you wish to assess him psychologically, seek consent to do so.

Don't not muddle friendship into thus. It's a pros festival Hal interest, not a meet up opportunity.

I can’t believe you’re studying a degree in criminal psychology and you are so naive and judgmental.
Can I ask what year of your degree you are in currently?

Lots of people with shared experience backgrounds go into work within that field; probation, drugs workers, counsellors. It's hardly considered unique. In certain sectors they actively promote that a certain % of the people they employ are reformed as they've been through the process themselves. If he's working with children his offences definitely weren't sex or firearms related, most likely theft or drugs. I'm guessing with you studying online you aren't aware this is pretty common and see him as being something out of the norm which it's definitely not.

My daughter is an 'ex con'. She has learnt to weed out those that just want to know here for her history and those that genuinely want to be her friend and aren't bothered about her history.
Don't use this person as a case study.
Like him she's now turned her life around , own flat and has a job. See this person for who he is , not who he was.

I apologise, upon reading back I realise I sound patronising.

To be honest I did reach out to him as a curiosity initially, he has a presence on the internet and I was intrigued by his story. I congratulated him on his work and we began chatting.

The offences are a multitude of different things, stemming primarily from a drug addiction years ago. He is now clean and doing alot of good in the community. IMO he is a good person, now.

The reason I've asked for opinions is my DSis said I'm being irresponsible befriending somebody with a long history of offending and previous violent offences (not toward women, if that makes a difference) and that I'm too trusting.

ex con

In the nicest sense your SIL is an idiot. He'll still have to be enhanced DBS checked to work with vulnerable individuals and children. Even if his DBS is a mile long it'll show that he hasn't committed an offence since. On the other hand he's a person on the internet you don't know from Adam so you should maintain the usual caution in giving out personal details in the same way you would with anyone else.

They refer to themselves as an "ex offender" and "ex convict" during their speeches.

*DSis

Yes let’s not talk to those who have been in prison ever

And Ex Con

Your interest in him sounds like. objectification.
You do sound naive and I experienced with people, as you lump all previous offenders together,regardless of obvious rehabilitation and current good intentions.
This is a very black and white stance, as is canvassing opinion on here, rather than being able to trust your judgement.
I’m afraid I do t think psychology is going to work for you very well as a career. I’m sorry if that sounds blunt, but I have always worked with people, and when I encounter colleagues with no feel for the job, it generally doesn’t serve the people they are there to serve.

Surely it depends on why he was in prison.
murder/peodo/rape.
All a no no,
Theft or a minor convition ,possible.

Its a professional friendship. Keep it professional and dont be drawn in to making it anything else.

I am all in favour of ex-offenders getting involved in work with at-risk youth. They generally have more credibility with this group than anyone else could have. Does it have a measurable effect on youth gang violence? Not really. But, it gives ex-cons a purpose to their lives which arguably was missing before. I hope this is the case for your man.

BTW its not the Spark2Life bloke, is it? He wrote a very interesting book.

You’re whole OP and subsequent posts reek of elitism and privileges, you think they’re a “good person” now? We’ll break out the champagne!

You sound patronising because you are patronising.

You sound as if you think you are somehow inherently superior, which is clearly not true.

You also sound as if you want this person or “character”or “curiosity” as you call them, as that’s all they are to you aren’t they? A device for you to use to make your own life seem more interesting?

You seem to view this person as a pet or a project/experiment so you gain some kind of gross kudos for having an “edgy” friend.

Just think how ‘real’ you’ll sound talking about them to your chums at lunch!

How impressive you think you’ll sound to your tutor group when you talk about your own pet ‘ex-con’

Just wonderful...

But not the type of friend who would ever meet your children! I mean they work in the community with children so are strictly vetted. But I guess they are working with children who come from socially vulnerable children so that’s ok. But heaven forfend they they meet YOUR precious kids, who I assume come from a more privileged background.

Calling/labelling someone as an “Ex-con” is miles away from people using the terms “ex offender or ex convict” which would surprise me anyway, normally “former offender” or similar would be used.

To call someone an “Ex-Con” is degrading and stigmatising and has never been used in any other way apart from perjoratively. It indicates your inherent prejudices.

Hopefully they’ve got your number and will choose to keep you at arms length rather than waste their time on someone like you.

So, yes you would be very unreasonable to “befriend” this person, for their sake not yours.

To answer PP's I'm in my first year and obviously have alot to learn. I apologise if I've caused offence by referring to him as an ex con, although it is something he refers to himself as being.

There are some violent offences which stem back to the period when he was taking drugs, but nothing for a considerable amount of time.

I think my Dsis is concerned because I've showed bad judgement in the past and been burned as a result, metaphorically that is. It's a completely different scenario but the long and the short of It is that she feels I'm too trusting and am "playing with fire" (her words) for wanting to see the best in people.

It's not spark2life no but he does have a book out.

Evidence shows he is a perfectly decent and impressionable man now who has clearly learnt alot through his experiences and changed considerably since his offending days.

They refer to themselves as an ex con, that's not a label of my choosing.

I'm far from feeling superior to him as we have very similar early experiences and my own past is less than perfect.

No superiority here, the judgement doesn't stem from me.

I was called irresponsible for befriending somebody with an extensive criminal past, because I have children. Hence my post.