To be friends with an ex con?

[OnTheFence1]

I'm studying for a degree in criminal psychology and have gotten in touch with an interesting character online who is doing the same, they are an ex con who spent time in prison themselves but now work with offenders in the community and educate youth with an aim to curb offending and for all intents and purposes appear to have completely turned their life around. Credit where it's true.

I'm very interested in this person from a psychology and personal stand point, not in that way but I could see us being friends. We've been chatting through email about the work they've been doing and have really hit it off.

I'm wondering if this is irresponsible of me given that I have children. I have no intention of my children ever meeting this man, but of course there's that niggle in the back of my mind that says it's not a good idea to befriend criminals, be it reformed or not?

What are your thoughts?

Friendships are a natural progression, your conscious decision and desire of “befriending him” sounds like you think you are superior in some way. He is not a pet or curiousity in need of befriending surely.

Even if it is true that someone refers to themselves as “Ex-con” then that’s their choice and right, it does not give you licence to do the same.

That’s very very basic comprehension that you don’t need to learn from a course.

As far as you’re concerned, they are an author and community worker.

Sorry your elitism and judgement is screaming from every post with your choice of words.

I think you ought to reconsider if this is the right course and career path for you.

Do-gooders generally do no good apart from their own ego.

Leave this person alone, they don’t deserve this.

Not at all.

I follow his videos and reached out to congratulate him on his recent projects and express my admiration and a conversation ensued.

I didn't expect a response.

It doesn't really matter what he calls himself, there are a lot of words that are generally considered offensive/hurtful but that the group they describe use. I'm sure you can think of some.

That aside; it does sound like your sister has cause to be concerned. How much "befriending" are you planning on doing? Just emailing? Exchanging numbers? Meeting up? Dating? If you've got a history of being very naive and trusting, and someone close to you is concerned that you might be inadverntently putting your children at risk, then I'd take that view over anything from a forum where we don't know you or your personality.

It's also impossible to say without knowing at least what type of offences you're referring to. You mention violence in your last post, relating to a drug habit. That could go all the way from common assault or battery to GBH/ABH/manslaughter/murder.

I did a similar degree, I spoke to people convicted of a multitude of offences as part of it - we had a lot of coaching from the university and support, and they set key rules and things to keep in mind during the conversations. Have you had that?

I agree with @KUGA

What were the offenses?

If it was violent crime I might be a bit wary, but it does sound like he has changed.

I think you are just interested in his past though, do you like who he is now?

My ex-husband was an "ex con" and I wanted to tell you that YABU - and in the completely wrong career area.

But from what you've posted I suspect I know your ex-con from when we were all kids - and he was a fucking monster who made me scared to leave my home. From what I've read and seen he really is a very different person now since a pivotal event in his life - but to me, he'll always be a cunt.

But, but, but - you're being ridiculous not to be friends with this person based on his past. People do shitty stuff every single fucking day and "get away with it" - it's impossible for you to know the entire history of everyone you will ever encounter.

I think you're being a bit weird about the entire situation - and as I said, completely weird if this is genuinely a career choice.

I'd be concerned about your boundaries. Not for any other reason but you say this person interests you psychologically?

Essentially this person is the same as you in terms of the study you are undertaking ,but has a different background?

They are just a person, not a case study. I think it's weird you are viewing it as anything but a peer relationship with a fellow student.

Choosing to pursue a friendship with someone with a history of violence is a terrible idea regardless of whether you have children or they’ve been convicted over it.

You sound quite naive- surely there are many people in your line of work with a criminal background? It’s the stereotype of the reformed criminal isn’t it?

Besides I’m just confused by the whole post considering your studies. Surely you realise criminals are just normal people? Of course you’ll hit it off with some, as you would in any workplace, sports club, mums group etc.

The issue IMO is not that he's an "ex con", it's the professional/personal boundary.

Finish your course and then decide whether you want a friendship.

I didn't reach out to him as part of my studies, I was impressed by a piece of work he's recently done and reached out to express congratulations. I didn't expect a response but he began chatting and I found him to be very personable and interesting.

The correspondence is through email and I have no intention of meeting him in person, let alone introducing my children (which was part of Dsis's tirade of how I'm being ridiculous for 'casually' chatting to an ex criminal.

I appreciate the opinions thank you, taken on board.

It was no big deal to me, just some casual emails exchanged with somebody who has similar interests to my own, but I was taken aback by my sister's comments about me being irresponsible and wanted to know whether others thought I really was being.

I think that this would go on to the list of your "bad decisions".

As said, he hasn't volunteered to be your case study, to be patronised or a friend. You are going to have to tighten your boundaries and respect professional conduct policies.

"the back of my mind that says it's not a good idea to befriend criminals"

When you first started your course did they not give round a sheet with a series of questions that you had to fill in?

When i did both psychology and SW they did and it shows that we all are technically criminals.

'Gotten' and 'reached out'... I find are worse than ex con. Cringe.

Unless the was convicted of child abuse /rape I would be fine. He has served his fine after all.
Unless his surname is Lector....

Your sister is being over dramatic

You are coming across as finding his background titillating.

Your motives are the thing that worries me, not his ex offending history.

Do you have to have supervision for your course to asses your own motives/boundaries. I think you'd benefit from it and discussing this with a professional colleague. Not the friendship bit but the mindset you hold around it.

I think given the degree you're studying then maybe you should be a bit more aware that there is a huge range of different offences and that you probably meet 'ex cons' all the time. Ex offender is a better term and even then I wouldn't be particularly keen on labelling someone with that anyway.

I worked with offenders for 15 years - they're people - not something for you to study. And just like someone who hasn't offended some are absolutely lovely people who have made a mistake and some are utter arseholes who don't give a shit about hurting other people.

I mean - what has he done? There is a huge spectrum of what someone can be sent to prison for - fraud, dangerous driving, theft, child abuse, murder? Being in prison will not automatically mean that someone is anymore a danger to children etc than anyone else.

There are crimes I can't see past - child and animal offences/DV/advantage of someone vulnerable etc but generally most other crimes I would take the person for who they are now.

Don't use this person as something for you to study.

You sound very naive. He may not want to be friends with a groupie.
Criminal psychology is fascinating. Where do you see yourself working when you finish? Concentrate on your studies.

I really don't see him as a case study, I mentioned my studies because it's something we both have in common.

I sent a message to congratulate on a recent project and didn't expect a response, he was polite and struck up a conversation which I reciprocated and we began chatting. My Dsis was visiting at the time and expressed a clear disapproval and said I'm being irresponsible which I was slightly taken aback by so wanted to see whether others thought it was odd that I'd be chatting online with somebody who has a criminal past.

I can see upon reflection why others would find it peculiar given what I'm studying, but it wasn't connected and I didn't see it in the same way that others have.

I used to be friends with a neighbour in London who just happened to be a well known jewellery thief. We weren't friends because of it but in spite of it.

Sorry OP but I think you’re kidding yourself.

Of course you don’t see it in the same way!

Very few people recognise their own prejudices, even when confronted by them!

The very first thing you write in your OP is about your degree. You contextualise it from the very start.

Your first choice of words to describes him as an “interesting character” not even a person.

You state from the get go your “interested from a psychological.... standpoint” that’s the thing you say first and therefore shows that’s your main reasoning. The personal part is secondary.

‘Ex con’ aside you then refer to them as a “criminal” that betrays how you really feel.

At no point have you actually considered that this person may not want to “be friends” with you!

Not recognising someone’s agency is a key indicator in an elitist mindset.

It indicates that you haven’t even thought of their feelings because it’s all about you and what you want from this person.

Maybe feel that there’s no reason why they wouldn’t because you are clearly better than them?

I think your self image is greatly detached from who you actually are.

The words you choose are important and as pps say, your mindset is not suited to this career path. You can, of course, change your mindset but so far you’ve chosen to minimise and rewrite your own narrative.

Given this, I don’t think you have the strength of character to do so.

To be honest it seems like you’ve had barely any contact anyway, it’s hardly a friendship. In a few months time it’ll all be well forgotten