3-year-old refusing to sleep

[IAmJustSoTired]

I’m at my wit’s end. It’s a nightly fight.

Over the past few weeks/months, my 3yo is suddenly fighting against sleep, whether it is a nap or bedtime. She will continuously say “I don’t want to sleep / I’m not tired / Dont make me sleep...” and so on.

When we put her to bed, she will nonstop talk, sing, fidget, ANYTHING to get out of falling asleep, even if she’s desperately tired. You can tell she’s exhausted because of her mood changing, heavy eyes, constant yawning and overall slowing down. Still, she just doesn’t want to sleep.

I’m sick and tired of her whinging and crying every single night. I feel like I might lose my mind with the nightly battle of calming her down and putting her to sleep.

I’ve been planning to write this for a while when I am calm and relaxed but she’s sat next to me now crying her head off and I just want to throw myself out a window (obviously not really). She has been awake since 7am and had no nap. It’s almost 9pm and she’s still awake, whinging.

Help me.

Have you been through this? When does it stop? DOES it stop????

I told her off a few times. Raised my voice and now she’s crying hysterically begging me to not make her sleep. I’m in tears. I can’t do this every night.

What happens when you leave the room? Can you go somewhere else right now, just to take a deep breath? Go into a different room, take a deep breath and try and force yourself to be calm (I completely understand how hard that is!)

In the end, nature is going to win and she is going to sleep. You are doing great because you are, somehow, still sane. I think if it were me I’d make myself boring - sit there calmly, no attention, no fuss, no pleading and ignore it all. However, I have no idea if that’s at all feasible.

We do bath, lotion, cuddle, story and she’s in bed. If she gets out of bed we carry her back to bed and calmly tell her it’s bedtime. If she gets out again, we don’t talk just pick her up and take her back x repeat and it works. It was hard for a few days. Good luck op.

We went through this! It was hell. First thing that worked was letting her play with a bit of duplo in bed until she fell asleep - think it took the focus off the battle but was a quite calming activity.
When that stopped working our childminder suggested audio books. She’s now nearly five and still falls asleep with a story in quiet.

Just two things that broke the cycle of nasty bedtimes for us, they haven’t worked for our younger one but best of luck to you - even if you don’t find anything to help, I’m sure she’ll grow out o

Usually IME when they do this it's half because they have the perception that sleep is boring (even though whingeing and crying and being told off and falling over due to tiredness is more boring... they somehow assume that not sleeping = playing with boundless energy) and half because they don't actually know how to get to sleep and so it can help if you do a couple of things.

First start talking about dreams, so that the prospect of going to sleep becomes something interesting as you get to find out what your dream will be. (This is of limited use, but is something).

The second thing is to stop telling her to go to sleep, because this isn't a conscious action she's in control of, but instead make the instruction be to create the conditions she needs for sleep, in terms of specifically conscious actions she is in control of. She sounds quite similar to my DS1 at that age and what he needed to be told was to lie still, which meant total body stillness, no fidgeting, no rubbing a foot against the covers, etc, and to be quiet, which meant no talking, no humming, no forced loud breathing patterns.

I did not tell him to close his eyes because that seemed to be detrimental. Some children would self-soothe by humming to themselves, breathing in a specifically calming pattern, rubbing a foot/finger on the covers etc. That's why you have to look at your particular child to see what works for them. I made a deal with him which was that I would sit on the end of his bed until he fell asleep but in return he had to lie completely still and be completely quiet. If he started to talk because he forgot or needed to turn over in bed etc then I would slowly and quietly count to three, he had until three to stop moving/making noise. If I got to three then I would leave, I then just gave myself a bit of a breather before I went back to try again if he was upset/clearly not sleeping because it was really important that I stayed calm and stuck to these really simple rules. If I was getting to a point where I was getting really stressed then I would tell him that is enough for tonight, and we will have to try again tomorrow.

Once he did lie still and quiet he would be asleep within minutes and deeply asleep within about ten minutes.

Oh yes an audio book set to ridiculously low volume was also helpful. The low volume was so that if he was shuffling and fidgeting around in bed he wouldn't be able to hear it properly. I also had a rule that if I heard him get out of bed I would turn the CD off.

I am going through exactly the same with my 3 year old daughter - she has literally just fallen asleep after spending the last 2 hours reading/chatting to herself.
I clearly can't offer a solution but things that have helped us are;
Letting her know I am not willing to sit with her for 2 hours whilst she plays. She used to cry if I tried to leave her but I kept trying and eventually she accepted when I said I was hungry and going to make dinner while she read stories to her toys. Now I often do this - doesn't solve the lack of sleep problem but at least you're not driving yourself mad every night.

Some nights, when I can see she is really tired, I physically hold her down (cuddle her so she can't get up) and stroke her head. These aren't fun nights but when she gets like this it's like she can't switch off, but within minutes she will be asleep.

Head stroking - particularly downwards from the forehead over the eyes/nose as it forces her to close her eyes.

The Rabbit who wanted to fall asleep book - she won't let me read it any more but for several months this was our go to for getting her to sleep (it's a slightly weird book that's written to send children to sleep).

Hope some of that may help, it is a nightmare but I'm assuming (like everything else!) it's a phase!

Could it be time to drop the nap?

Oh yes agree about that too - most 3yos aren't napping any more.

At 3, I don't think she needs naps and dropping these might help with bedtimes. With bedtime consistency, routine and ignoring the tantrums is key!

We've been through exactly this with our daughter! She's 3 and a half now and it's been about 3 months, but slowly getting better. She's always been a great sleeper, so it was a bit if a shock to the system for us....

I did lots of googling etc. and it seems to be quite common at around 3 when their imaginations are developing and they're more likely to be get anxious/frightened at bedtime (even if they're not actually expressing fear). Also, apparently as they get more independent during the day they can feel more separation anxiety at bedtime. I decided to see the upside and be glad it seemed to suggest her imagination etc. is developing well!

We tried pretty much everything and now we just let her stay up. I know that sounds crazy but it's really worked. We do the whole bedtime routine as usual (bath, teeth, pjamas etc.) then her little brother goes to bed and we say if you're not tired you can stay up and play by yourself, but it's quiet adult time now and we're not going to play with you. She doesn't really have a very good concept of time, so we just say 'you can play by yourself for 10 minutes, then it's story and bed'. If she comes and tries to get us to play etc. we just repeat the mantra 'it's adult time now, you can play quietly by yourself or it's story and bed'. We sort of bored her into submission! It has actually been a lot less stressful than 90 minutes of yelling/crying and seems to have gradually reduced her anxiety. We're now at about 8.30pm with no fuss at all and will gradually reduce that to 7.30/8 in time for pre-school in September!

DS (4) goes through phases of doing this. One thing I've found that is quite effective is to have a pile of calming books, and just sit on his bedroom floor and read them in a whisper. He then has to be quiet/ still to be able to hear me! So far we've not got further than 3 books before he's asleep. I'm planning on getting him a CD player so he can listen to audiobooks and I can go downstairs and drink wine

Ah we had this when naps needed to b dropped (she dropped just before 2 years old) and then again at 3 when she was obviously going through some sort of developmental leap.

Getting a clear routine helped. We do a set amount of time that she can play with whatever she wants. We set a timer and she knows she has until that goes off (something physical to burn off the last bit of energy is great!) We then do bathroom for wee's, teeth etc and then she chooses 2 books that we read and then it's time for sleep.

She still tries the I'm hungry/not tired stuff but that now signals her last ditch attempt to stay awake and then she sleeps!

Crying isn't actually bad, it helps them release all the stress of the day. If our daughter cries it helps her calm down and sleep quicker.

Sarah Ockwell-Smiths Gentle Sleep solution is great.

Good luck. This too will pass!

I happened to have also done quite a lot of reading about adult insomnia (ahhh the joys of peri menopause) at the time and all the advice said NOT to stay in bed trying to get to sleep. The experts seemed to suggest that if you stayed in bed tossing and turning and stressing about not going to sleep you would begin to associate your bed/bed room with those feeling instead of calm etc. I figured the same principle might apply to children? It has meant we can't watch any telly etc. until pretty late (ie after she's gone to bed) but that's not necessarily a bad thing - I've done a lot of reading! It has also really developed her independent play skills - it's amazing what she can do when it's that or bedtime!

No more naps and no more 'trying' to get to sleep. Tell her it doesn't matter if she doesn't sleep but she needs to lie quietly (with a night light if needed) and give her happy things to think about, if she gets up, return her to her bed and calmly repeat, even if you have to do it for hours, the investment will be worth it.

Drop the nap! I don't know any 3 year olds who nap.

Dd went through this at that age. I was very empathetic because I hate sleeping too...always have. I remember being put to bed ridiculously early as a child and sneaking books under the covers for hours after bedtime. I only sleep 5 or so hours a night (and always have) and just don't need more sleep. Dd needs more, but not as much as her peers. She is now 16 and needs only 7 or so hours a night (while her peers need 9 or 10).

Going back to what we did at age 3....I was really careful not to try to "force" her to sleep. So I said that she did not have to go to sleep, but that she couldn't disturb the rest of the house (in particular her older brother who did need the sleep), so she could play in bed with a dim bedside light on or listen to an audiobook, or look at a picture book or play with her dolls. It just had to be done quietly. And as she got older she often came into bed with me to be soothed to sleep, but often far later than her peers would go to sleep. She gave up her mid day nap before she was 2. Her biggest complaint about nursery was that they would try to make her nap. (Ds' biggest complaint about starting school was that they wouldn't let him nap. At 18 he still takes a mid day nap if he can.)

Drop the nap.
Put her to bed and let her read, listen to stories etc.
She’ll sleep when she’s ready but she stays in her room.

What @maddiemookins16mum said

DD is 4 now, but that’s how I’ve did it for a few years. She goes to bed about half 7/8ish, I read her a story and tuck her in. Give her a few other books in bed. Sometimes a couple of paw patrol figures. She can do what she likes until she wants to go to sleep. She’ll read stories to her teddies, sing songs to herself. Actually caught her last night standing up in bed dancing and watching herself in the mirrored wardrobes 😂

She goes to sleep eventually! She also has one of those bubbling fish lamps, I think the sound helps.

Drop the day sleep.

I would say 'you don't have to sleep but you do have to stay in bed by yourself with the lights turned down'. And I would even let her take one doll or toy into bed, or they could listen to an audio book after story time (with the sleep timer set for 30 minutes). Worked like a charm- and they would always just fall asleep. There is something in this about control, and that sleep is boring. Plus, why would she sleep if she can keep having attention and playing with you. If you let her know that it is quiet time and she will be by herself no matter what, she will start wanting to use that time to fall asleep. 3 year olds have issues with being alone, and control, so if you let her have one area of control 'you don't have to sleep but you have to be lying in bed and quiet by yourself', you can control the other factors.

Also, after your routine, you need to leave the room when she is still somewhat awake so she learns how to self soothe, and be alone. She can lie down and play with her toy quietly and you can keep checking back in intervals- She'll fall asleep on her own.

You need to drop the nap!

Our 3 year old does still nap a couple of days a week if we drive back from somewhere in the car but I have to ensure he wakes up after max 30 mins and on those days I don't try putting him to bed until 8pm. On no nap days bedtime is 6.30/7 and he falls asleep after 2-3 stories as I'm reading them.

I don't know any 3 year olds who still nap regularly.

My DD (5) has always been like this! The only way I can get her to go to sleep is to make it clear that I'm not asking her to go to sleep, but I am asking her to lay still, stop talking and close her eyes. This works around 70% of the time, the other 30% is both of us in tears! We can do strict routine, reward charts, no routine- none of it makes a difference, she just struggles to wind down and switch off. Everyone told me that it would get better when she went to school- it didn't.
So whilst I have no real advice, I do have endless sympathy for you!

Drop the nap!!! I could have written this myself two weeks ago and once we dropped the nap it got better after a few days. Felt worse the first day as they were so overtired, but persevere!!!