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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going abroad for 4 weeks with DC, AIBU or is Ex?

60 replies

Scandiwoman1 · 28/07/2019 20:32

I’m planning on going back home next summer with the DC, not far from UK (think Scandinavian country) Haven’t been there since late 2016 when DS3 was 5 months. My mum hasn’t seen him since 5 months old, my siblings have come to visit every year. There has been reasons why I couldn’t visit, but now I’m ready and can go. Ex thinks 4 weeks is too long, he had no problem going to Australia last year for 3 weeks with his mates though. I just want my kids to get to know my side of the family better, learn the language and just generally be around my family for a bit. I think he’s trying to sabotage my trip because he can’t come with us. He has always loved my country, and has asked me after we split if he could still travel with me when I go back. I don’t know what to do.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ysmaem · 29/07/2019 00:15

I agree with pp just suggest 3 weeks

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/07/2019 00:53

He's clearly jealous and is trying to sabotage it for you because he cant go, but I agree that suggesting 3 weeks is the way to go on the basis that he really doesnt have a leg to stand on trying to argue with that, given it was the length of his trip.

Exes are exes for a reason! I am basically ok with mine but he still throws in the odd dick move occasionally, which is a good thing because it reminds me why I dumped him :o

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/07/2019 00:54

Also, why the fuck cant he go to your home country on his own? I'm sure if he is a big enough boy to manage Aus, he can cope with a trip across the water?

TwistyTop · 29/07/2019 00:59

Why does he need you to take him to this country? Unless you're off to North Korea I don't understand what the problem is - you book a week off work, you book your flights and hotel and... Off you go. Like any other normal adult..?

HiJenny35 · 29/07/2019 01:27

Depends when he normally has them. If it's weekends couldn't you leave on the Monday morning, do three weekend and come back on the following Thursday so he only misses three weekend but you get nearly 4 weeks.

GreenTulips · 29/07/2019 09:07

Not sure why OP needs to appease him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/07/2019 10:46

Because he can go to court and potentially prevent her from taking them out of the country at all. If he can convince a judge that she might not bring them back (and it being her home country, it makes that easier for him to do) then the judge could slap a Prohibited Steps Order on her and they never get to go.

If she plays nice this time then she can be a bit more "Fuck You" next time.

KnobJockey · 29/07/2019 10:54

I think I would ask him to come out week 3, let him pick up the kids and have a week's holiday with them in that country without you. You then have a week to spend with your family catching up on a bit of adult time, and they would come back to you for the final week.

Brefugee · 29/07/2019 12:52

Stick to your guns - 4 weeks sounds fine.

LittleSwede · 29/07/2019 13:03

4 weeks is fine! If he is still keen on the country he could pop over for a weekend and stay somewhere not too far from where you are and maybe even take the kids for a few nights?

Slightly different situation for me but I am off with DD to Scandinavian country (flying today!) for 3 weeks, DH will be joining us for a week in the middle though. Last year we did a 4 week stay in the summer and the year before DD and I had 6 long (!!) weeks over there (we were having building works done to house here to seemed a good idea to escape).

You should defiantly go, if you haven't been for 3 years it is time for your DC to spend time with your family, pick up the language and soak up a bit of the culture.

Go for it!

LenoVintura · 29/07/2019 13:05

He's not going to agree to 3 weeks even though he went to Australia because "that's different". He doesn't want to be left behind because he likes the country and wants to go there just as he did when you were together. Don't appease him, plenty of kids spend much longer periods apart from their parent - service families etc. My friend's DC are abroad with her parents atm, she's going out in two weeks time and her DH isn't going at all. DC will be away 6 weeks, without their DM for two weeks and their DF for the whole time. Meh.
Nod and smile for now, don't let this fester for a year and revisit it neaer the time with the intention of doing what you want. Be prepared to get a court order if you need to. Men like him need a yank on their chain now and then.

stucknoue · 29/07/2019 13:07

Can he not come for a long weekend in the middle? It's hard I know but splitting as a couple needs to come with compromises, my stbexh is still coming to my parents and vice versa.

Alsohuman · 29/07/2019 13:16

He’s quibbling when he swanned off for three weeks without them and it was fine? He’s an awkward bugger, isn’t he? I’d go the Monday after his weekend and come back the Friday of the final week so he only misses one weekend, always assuming he only missed one on his jaunt.

NCforthis2019 · 29/07/2019 13:20

If The tables were turned - would you be ok with him taking the kids away from you for the same amount of time?

MzHz · 29/07/2019 13:23

If you timed it so that he has them before you go, and when they come back it’s not too long away from him (assuming he’s EOW and days in the week)

He’s trying to control you here, you have a lot of childcare to do during summer and your family hasn’t seen you all for a long time.

He doesn’t need to crash your holiday

I wouldn’t budge from the 4 weeks because he went to Australia for 3.

He can skype/FT the kids weekly if need be

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/07/2019 13:25

Yeah, I'd travel on a Monday after his weekend and come home on a Friday so he's only missing one weekend and you get nearly the full 4 weeks (assuming he's EOW). That seems fair.

Of course it isn't about contact, but hey ho, take the higher ground

Bbang · 29/07/2019 13:32

I would stick to your guns and go for the four otherwise he will pull controlling stunts like this forever, if he can trot off to Australia for three weeks for his own enjoyment he needs to stop standing in the way of the children’s enjoyment.

Seems to me like he’s just being difficult and spitting his dummy out cause he’s jealous he’s not going/invited.

How often does he see them?

I would stop asking and start telling him things tell him you’re going with the kids to see your family and time it so you leave after his weekend and arrive before a contact weekend. Then offer extra time for when you get back.

HaileySherman · 29/07/2019 13:45

I think its fine. If you're amicable and he just thinks he can't bear to not see them for that long, maybe suggest he visit at some point during the 4 weeks, at the end or for a weekend 2 weeks in. If he loves your home country he may be willing. It's important for you to visit your family if you want them to have a significant relationship with your children. Maybe your ex needs reassurance that he is not being excluded from it. I agree that I'd be frustrated having to do this for an EX, but if it ultimately makes your life easier then why not?

dillusionaldog · 29/07/2019 13:46

why dont you do 3 weeks then suggest he fly out and take the DC for a week in that country? then all fly back together.

that would give you time to see family alone and go for lunches with your mom etc and also let him see the country he asked you if he could return to with you. win win.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/07/2019 13:49

To you ( and all those saying that 4 weeks is ok), how would you feel not seeing your DC for that length of time. I can only assume you would all be ok with it. Ex being in Aus has nothing to do with it as I assume you still had the DC. Two week holidays are fine for meeting and getting to know family. I think you ABU

GreenTulips · 29/07/2019 13:53

I think the kids would Benidorm massively from seeing family. They’ll get spoilt and have quality time with grandparents and extended family.

If they haven’t been for 3 years they’ll have lots to catch up on

Booboo66 · 29/07/2019 14:09

My DC were born abroad and still have close family and friends there. We've gone for between 1 and 4 weeks and the 4 weeks was the only one that felt long enough. We have a lot of people to catch up with so shorter times sees us spread a little thin. Also as you say it takes time being immersed in the language and culture for them to properly experience it. I can completely see why you want to go for that long for both your sake and the kids. Can you offer ex extra contact outside of that he normally has as a compromise? That's what i have to do.

Booboo66 · 29/07/2019 14:13

He may be worried you will take the kids and not come back. It’s been known to happen. 4 weeks is a very long time.

Surely it would be irrelevant if she told him she was going for 4 days or 4 weeks if that was her plan or his concern

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/07/2019 14:17

I would hate not seeing my DC for four weeks Cheese but if it was so that they could build bonds with their extended family and have a great time then I would send them off with a smile on my face, of course I would. That's what good parents do.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 14:17

I thought legally you were allowed to take them abroad for up to 28 days without needing permission from the NRP?

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