Asking for help

[B23M4]

IKIBU but I really could do with some support/handholding right now. Name changed for this post.

Long story so bear with me please. I'm not going to be able to reply straight away as I've just finished a 60 hour shift (not all awake, camping and on call/trying to sleep for some of it) and am trying to get home.

I used to be a heroin addict. Been clean for 14 years. Never thought about using since really but I'm really not coping right now. I'm separated from my husband, have been for a few years and in a relationship for 2 years with someone who is really jealous, mainly because we started our relationship whilst I was still married but not living with DH, so we kept our relationship secret for nearly a year.

I'm really really in a bad place right now; I'm driving home wondering how I can go score heroin. I have a great job, 2 part time jobs and yet I'm skint. 3 amazing DC. But I feel so unloved and out of control.

I'm exhausted. Out of resources emotionally and don't really know what to do. I can't keep going like this and just want the world to stop so I can get off. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. Both much wanted.

Today my DP accused me of messaging another man. Im not. I don't want anyone else. I'm driving home and just feel unable to cope. I'm imagining scoring and it all going away. Something I've never thought of in 14 years. I've stopped at the motorway services to buy a coffee and cigarettes. I gave up smoking ages ago. I can't stop crying.

Don't know why I'm posting really, I just need to recognise that I need help and don't know what to do. My relationship is falling apart, all my friends say to just leave him and I feel like I'm drowning and everyone is standing 5 feet away telling me to swim but I'm caught in a riptide and can't.

Just want people to tell me that it's going to pass. That it will be OK. Sorry this is so long and not explaining anything, I just need a handhold.

I feel like I'm drowning and everyone is standing 5 feet away telling me to swim but I'm caught in a riptide and can't

Just float. Float for now, until you are strong enough to swim.
Keep your DC afloat with you.
Take them on a journey where you hold hands & just float along.

Fuck everyone else.

I think if you were my friend, I would suggest 2 things.

1. Be single & find your happy calm place with DC, even if it takes years.

2. Dramatically reduce your hours at work.

3. Stay friends with your Ex Husband if its good FOR YOU to do so.

Thanks @SaxxedtotheMax I'm trying. I just feel like I can't anymore I've been floating for too long. I really need to regain some control but it feels like it's getting harder and harder to stay afloat.

I'm good friends with my ex DH, but his MH is bad and he keeps leaning on me. DP just told me he can't wait to meet someone else so he can get out of our shit relationship and I feel like everything is falling apart again.

If I reduce my hours I can't keep my house. I can't see a way out. I can't believe that I'm contemplating using again. I know it's ridiculous and I have so much to lose, but the pull is so strong. I just want some calm.

You can find calm by reclaiming control. You are being emotionally abused at the moment

ExH can give you space as well.

Do you have a mortgage?

Im asking because you would get help with your rent otherwise.

Floating is fine for now, until you are stronger.

Sinking is not an option. Your beautiful children need you.

Is there anyone you can ring and speak to about your urge, You know it will be the worst thing you ever do & you will hate yourself.

You can do this OP.

You don’t need to think long-term, you just need to get through tonight.

Is there anyone in rl you can talk to? Go to their house, tell them and get them to watch you.

If there isn’t, google drugs services in your area, some have telephone crisis lines you can call to talk to someone until the urge passes.

Tomorrow you can go to a NA meeting. You can make an emergency GP appointment for a drug counsellor referral. Tomorrow is a new day. Get through tonight in small doses, you’ve got through 14 years you can do 12 hours xx

Control = calm. You can breathe through this and find a path, I'm sure x

As PP have said, float...until this feeling subsides. You'll be ok. You won't if you use again. It's a LONG road I'm sure you're already travelled. You don't need to travel it again x

You are doing well OP, you have recognised you have a problem and are reaching out for help.

Take everything hour by hour, each hour that passes is an hour longer you have coped. Everything feels much worse when you are exhausted.

I think the first step is to get home, rest up and then in the morning make an appointment with your GP, spill it all out and ask for help.

Do you have a support worker at all, can you contact them?

@B23M4 how are you doing now? I think you need to sleep, as you are exhausted. Do you have friends/family around that can support you for the next day or two whilst you rest? Maybe stay with them? Once you have had some rest, then you need to plan what things you can change to ease the load.

I don't think your DP is helping you mentally at all, please reconsider the relationship with him. Your exH needs other support, not you, not at this moment in time.

Look at getting yourself some MH support too, so that you know you won't get to the point again, where you've put yourself last and everyone else first so feel tempted to score to cope. You need to learn boundaries and how to put your own mental health first.

It might be worth looking at 'burn out' as that may be what you are suffering at the moment. The bravest thing you have done, is to ask for help.

Try and see your G.P and you can self refer for talking therapies

www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm

Please rethink being with your DP, because he doesn't sound like he's very good for you or to you.

Thank you all for your clarity when I have lost mine. I've just stopped at the services again to compose myself. I've read your messages and it reminded me I could ring a friend who goes to NA for some calming words and honesty. I've never been to NA but maybe I could consider it. I spoke to him and he's offered to meet me at my house to support me if I need it.

I'll update when I get back

I'm glad you have reached out to your friend for help, take as much help as you can get, your only priority for just now is surviving each day.

How old are your children, have you someone who can help look after them for just now?

Don't make any decisions about your future yet, get healthy first then re-evaluate your situation, you will not be able to think clearly at the moment.

You can always call The Samaritans if you are struggling
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I'm home now. Just had a shower and am about to crawl into bed. I didn't bother unpacking my car as I need to physically be inside so that I don't get tempted to leave the house. I've got work at 0800 so need to sleep.

My friend rang me a few times on the way home. Mainly he reminded me that I can't think myself out of a problem when it's my thinking that is the problem. Today my thinking is irrational and I need to just make the decision to stay clean. As @chergar and @TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER say, I have been clean this long I can do a few more hours.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to think better and make some plans.

@SaxxedtotheMax it's a hefty mortgage, and I pay spousal (not child) maintenance to ex DH, hence the fact I'm drowning in debt and skint despite working everyday.

My children are junior and secondary age and I need to concentrate on them as well as my own MH. I also just realised that we have an employee assistance program at work so I will ring them tomorrow.

Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart. I'm so glad I posted. I will update you tomorrow

You have done amazing to come so far and be clean for so long. Such a strong lady for reaching out for support!
Get some rest and you will feel stronger tomorrow! Your children will be proud of you for who you are now x

Glad you've taken the decision to go to bed and not use. I like the idea of playing the tape to the end if you did use.... Short term relief that you would feel really bad if you did use. Spousal maintenance... Are you in the UK? Can this be challenged? NA sounds like a really good plan. Would getting a lodger help you keep the house if dp went?

Congratulations on 14 years sober!!! Well done!!! Take it day by day. Hour by hour if you have to. Remember this. One drug is to many and a thousand are never enough. You cant escape life. Even high the problems are still there it just makes you not care. But you do care because you reached out! You are so much stronger than you know. Keep your head up love. We are all rooting for you.

I think you need to dump your dp and then you will start to feel better.

I’m sorry, your ‘D’ P said what? I’d be telling him he didn’t need to wait until he met someone else, you’d be happy to end the shit relationship now-and do it. When caught in a riptide the advice is to swim parallel to the shore until you’re out of it and can swim towards shore again. You are strong, you have sought help as you recognised you are tempted to use again. Keep swimming parallel, sweetheart-dump the useless deadweight, step back from your ex, and find some inner peace one day at a time with your DCs. Do this until you are ready to move forward-if you stay strong, one day you will be. If you use again, you’ll only go backwards and you have come so far already so I’m sure you don’t want that.
Wishing you all the best and please keep posting

How are you this morning @B23M4

Hang in there x

I have made it to work. I've got meetings all day so that will keep me focused. I'm going to look up the employee support in a minute.

DP just dumped me by text. He's such a nice guy. 😔 I'm totally miserable, but the urge to use has totally passed. Hopefully for good.

I can't say how much you have all helped me. I feel vulnerable and can't stop crying but maybe it will be OK. It doesn't feel it right now. I'm just going to try to float

You poor thing OP, you are going through a rough patch and I’m not suprised you are feeling so desperate.
From what you have written it’s a relief that your partner has dumped you! Now you don’t have to bother dumping him. He sounded awful.

Even though splitting up is for the best I suppose it’s still going to be a difficult period for you. I hope you have some friends and family who can support you.
I think that’s an excellent idea to speak to the Employees Assistance Service at your workplace. Asking for help and support now is a sensible thing to do.

Your job sounds exhausting. Is there anyway you can drop your hours a bit just in the very short term.

I really hope you feel better soon. 💐💐

Hi OP, I’m so glad the urge has passed for now, fingers crossed it stays that way. Please be proud of yourself that you didn’t give in to it!
I’ve been clean for 11 years, so I have some idea of how you might be feeling.
You know that any relief would only be very, very temporary in the scheme of things, and it would then of course make everything 100x times worse.
Is there any chance you could make time to have some head space, go for a walk/swim/run, ideally every day, but I guess between work and kids that won’t be easy.
It sounds like your ex has done you a big favour finishing things. Time to concentrate on your wellbeing and the kids, no one else!
In terms of paying spousal maintenance adding to your stress, could the amount be reviewed? How long have you been paying it? Your kids need you to be healthy and happy, and your ex husband would surely want that too, even if it means you not paying the maintenance anymore.

Your future starts today, just you and the DC.

It will be the making of you.

Start looking forward to days off, save for a day out, even if it is for next summer.

If I reduce my hours I can't keep my house. I can't see a way out. I can't believe that I'm contemplating using again.

It's ok to "contemplate" - you are on a knife-edge caused by being leaned on emotionally by your ex, having problems with jealous partner, money worries & to top it all just finishing a 60-hour shift.

It's NOT ok if the "contemplation" becomes more persistent. You say if you reduce your hours you cannot afford your house - if you start using again you will definitely stop being able to afford your house, & you & your DC will lose it.

Can you get some rest, then start to put the problems into separate compartments? For example, while you are emotionally supporting your ex, who is supporting you? What are you getting out of your current relationship? Is it worth the stress it's currently putting you through, or do you need to just focus on you & the kids or a while?

1 full time & 2 part time jobs is an awful lot. How long are you going to have to keep this level of work up?

Well done for 14 clean years. You have done amazingly well, & hats off to you for putting all those hours into making sure you & your kids have enough money for now. I think you have just reached the end of your tether with additional pressures from 2 men who appear to be taking more than they give (& possibly more than you currently have to offer. Put yourself & your kids first).