Asking for help

[B23M4]

IKIBU but I really could do with some support/handholding right now. Name changed for this post.

Long story so bear with me please. I'm not going to be able to reply straight away as I've just finished a 60 hour shift (not all awake, camping and on call/trying to sleep for some of it) and am trying to get home.

I used to be a heroin addict. Been clean for 14 years. Never thought about using since really but I'm really not coping right now. I'm separated from my husband, have been for a few years and in a relationship for 2 years with someone who is really jealous, mainly because we started our relationship whilst I was still married but not living with DH, so we kept our relationship secret for nearly a year.

I'm really really in a bad place right now; I'm driving home wondering how I can go score heroin. I have a great job, 2 part time jobs and yet I'm skint. 3 amazing DC. But I feel so unloved and out of control.

I'm exhausted. Out of resources emotionally and don't really know what to do. I can't keep going like this and just want the world to stop so I can get off. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. Both much wanted.

Today my DP accused me of messaging another man. Im not. I don't want anyone else. I'm driving home and just feel unable to cope. I'm imagining scoring and it all going away. Something I've never thought of in 14 years. I've stopped at the motorway services to buy a coffee and cigarettes. I gave up smoking ages ago. I can't stop crying.

Don't know why I'm posting really, I just need to recognise that I need help and don't know what to do. My relationship is falling apart, all my friends say to just leave him and I feel like I'm drowning and everyone is standing 5 feet away telling me to swim but I'm caught in a riptide and can't.

Just want people to tell me that it's going to pass. That it will be OK. Sorry this is so long and not explaining anything, I just need a handhold.

Congratulations again - & look at the change in you in just one day.
YOU managed that.
YOU chose to look after yourself with bedtime routine & no using.
You are doing marvellously well & one of your biggest problems has just resolved itself (dumped by text - charming!) - ok that is going to sting & you will want to process the feelings but sounds like a major drag on your life has just been removed.

It's so good that you have your NA friend to support you, & that you can also reach out via the employee assistance programme.

This is concerning though -
it's a hefty mortgage, and I pay spousal (not child) maintenance to ex DH, hence the fact I'm drowning in debt and skint despite working everyday.
It it desperately unfair that you are working 3 jobs to keep everything together & are somehow required to financially support another adult.

May I ask how that came about? Is it non-UK? Is it legally binding - or are you being manipulated into financial as well as emotional support of your ex?
If you could lose this unfair expense surely there would be a little less pressure on you. You are doing brilliantly keeping up large mortgage payments & being sole provider for your kids.
But why are you having to pay for their father too?

Am so glad you have the perspective of your NA friend.
Keep floating, keep reminding yourself how much you have achieved, & make sure you make time & safe space for crying & feeling vulnerable. You come over as a tower of strength but need to release emotion just like anyone else who has been treated shittily by their (ex) partner & is working too many hours.

@mussolini9 thank you for your kind words. I was manipulated into it I suppose, out of a need to try to placate the world and can't see a way out right now. The feeling to use has gone, but I walked out of work today and just kept walking. It took me an hour to build up the strength to go back. But I did.

His message was vile. Really really awful. I can't come back from that. The relationship is over and I've been left with no dignity. I feel incredibly shitty about it though as I love him wholeheartedly. When it's good it's amazing, it's just not good right now.

I sat down with a friend and looked at all the things I can deal with and the things out of my control and I feel that I have a plan, it's crap but I have something.

I also made the decision to tell all my friends exactly where I'm at so that they can support me. I suppose shame stopped me from doing it before but I realise that I can't do this alone.

@NuttyOrNice thank you for your support. I will get through this; if I keep telling myself this it will be true, hopefully.

@SnugStars thank you. I hope I can get to 15 years in October. Its been such a difficult Road to get here, I know I can't risk it all, but I think it's so difficult.

@B23M4 it has been more than 26 hours since your OP, that is a huge achievement, 26 hours closer to 15 years sober.

Hang in there, times might get bumpy along the way but confide in your good friends and build a support network so you have people you can check in with xx

Thanks @chergar that's a great way to think about it. The urge has totally passed now, but my MH is still very poor. I'm going to keep floating until I can swim.

Anybody's MH would be feeling fragile after the 'vile' text message! - & don't discount the awful fear of staring into the abyss of old habits & questioning your own strength ... that must have been a bruising experience & you did not just maintain your status quo, you MANAGED the situation admirably. You kicked arse, @B23M4!

Great decision to confide in your mose trusted friends.
And ... if you will forgive me for nagging ...
I was manipulated into it I suppose, out of a need to try to placate the world
... this is re: the spousal support, right?
OK: you do not need to placate the world. You have enough to do placating your own demons.
Your next act as Total Superhero is a good hard look at that spousal payment. Apologies as I cannot fathom how that could be legally binding, unless you are non-UK resident?
If it is not legally binding - well fuck that shit. You are already managing a big mortgage so that your exDH's children have a roof over their head. I am assuming he contributes nothing to this? And yet YOU are paying HIM?! No no no no no. You are working 3 jobs to provide for your children. That money is for you, & the children.
If you are able to stop paying this outrageous ex-Tax, would you be able to give up one of the part-time jobs?
You can read between the lines how dumbfounded & outraged & am that your kids' father not only pays nothing toward their wellbeing, & expects a handout from you every month?

I sat down with a friend and looked at all the things I can deal with and the things out of my control and I feel that I have a plan, it's crap but I have something.

Keep doing this :)
Make it a regular thing to sit down with this chum (&/or with yourself each week) & remember that 1st item on the agenda is "I stayed clean, I did 3 jobs to keep the roof over my kids heads, & I am ONLY responsible for me & my kids".

Am so sorry your recent ex has behaved so shabbily & how much more sting that added to you last couple of very shaky days. But you know he's done you a favour by showing you who he is, right? And given you the freedom to concentrate on just you & your DC. That's where you need to be right now, with those trusted friends to guide & support you.

Please tell one of them about your exDH situation too: I am sure they will be as horrifed as I am to learn that you have been required to work 3 jobs to pay a grown man a salary for ... what, exactly?! It's time for him to stand on his own 2 feet. You've had to - why can't he?

Thanks for the updates - you are inspirational.
Look after yourself xxx

Hi @mussolini9 it's written in our separation agreement. He's not my DCs dad and I live in our shared house. He wanted his half of the capital and I couldn't afford to buy him out so I'm paying him maintenance instead until I can afford to buy him out. Which will be never at this rate as all my spare cash goes to paying him.

I don't know what to do. Ex DH is coming round soon and I will try to discuss but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Pay him or become homeless. All the capital in the house he put in so I'm screwed. I have a tiny deposit to buy something else. All my friends are horrified but I can't find a way out. Dc dad doesn't pay any maintenance as we really fell out over it and I decided that it wasn't worth my children's mental health to argue over it as it was impacting the dc. My own Dear Parents had an awful divorce over money and I didn't want this for my kids.

I've tried to broach the subject with him but he just says he's skint and helps with the childcare so I can work (which I obviously wouldn't need to do if he helped). He works full time but won't pay anything but half childcare costs.

Can you tell I hate arguments?

It's taken every ounce of will power I've got to not message DP today, but I've managed it. Currently holed up a hotel room we had booked for a night away together and feeling so miserable.

I'm watching and caring and praying you will stay strong. Keep going, you're amazing and should be very proud of yourself

He wanted his half of the capital and I couldn't afford to buy him out so I'm paying him maintenance instead until I can afford to buy him out. Which will be never at this rate as all my spare cash goes to paying him.

Excuse me if I am misinterpreting this but - doesn't that mean that he is set to get 1) maintenance until you can find the capital sum & then 2) capital ON TOP of what you have already paid out in maintenance?

That's really unfair.
He can surely have the capital OR the maintenance.
And right now, any maintenance you have paid should be subtracted from the capital sum. He can't have BOTH.
I strongly urge you to see a lawyer & revist this. You say you don't want money arguments but really - do you want to be working 3 jobs forever?

Dc dad doesn't pay any maintenance as we really fell out over it and I decided that it wasn't worth my children's mental health to argue over it as it was impacting the dc.
Then he need to start, right now. If he paid maintenance surely you could get rid of 1 of the 3 jobs.
You are resisting because you are concerned about the kids MH ... don't you feel that may be projection on your part due to your own childhood experience of parental money rows?
What about YOUR MH? - doesn't that also deserve care & effort? Your MH is going to suffer if you have to keep working all 3 jobs like this, & that's far more likely than your kids actually being affected mentally about who is paying for what - they need not know! This does not need to touch the kids - take it up with the CMS.
I cannot believe that someone strong enough to stay clean for 14 years is going to back down because the father of her kids "fell out" over doing his duty by them. You deserve more than this. You are tough enough to fight this.

It seems like you are looking after everybody's interests but your own.
You are the one left holding the shitty end of the stick while one of your ex's milks you for 'maintenance' while still holding a capital sum over your head, & the other one refuses to contribute financially to his own children.

Contact the CMS to start the ball rolling to make the father of your kids behave like an adult.
See a solicitor to unpick this very woolly & unfair arrangement where you appear to be expected to pay a monthly sum WITH NO END DATE as WELL as a capital sum repayment.

These 2 arrangements are so unfair to you & so onerous no wonder you reached the end of your tether a few days ago. Imagine how much lighter you will feel once you can take action to relieve some of the burden on you, Please do it. xxx

What Mussolini said. XH is really having his cake and eating it. Did you have a lawyer when you agreed to this? Seems like you have been thrown under a bus here. I said before, is it an option to take in a female lodger if it meant keeping the house? Do you have a spare room? Or would this be a no-go. Even as a temporary option?