Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Blended family woes...

47 replies

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 19:46

Ok..
This might be a long one so bare with me please. Partner and I been together 3 years. I have a 9 year old daughter, he has a 5 year old son, we have another child due in a weeks time...
We effectively have shared care of our "other" children (we have my daughter 4 days a week, and his son 10 days out of 21). However we have my daughter every other weekend, but his son 2 out of 3. This means that during term time (in my opinion), we have less quality time with my daughter. When the holidays come round, we continue with the weekend arrangement for his son, but have him alternate weeks. My daughter is with us for 3 solid weeks now and then with her Dad for a week and then here in the week, but with her Dad for the weekends... Told you it was a long one.

Anyway, during term time we try to limit weekends activities to when we have both children as we just can't afford to do things all the time.

However, every now and again (maybe 3 times a year) we try to have a special day for each of them when they have our undivided attention without the other sibling's involvement... For example, we took my daughter ot a pottery painting cafe - her step brother is too young to appreciate the joy in taking his time to make something beautiful.

So around 3 months ago, my partner suggested taking SS to see secret life of pets at the cinema (which my daughter would have enjoyed) on his weekend. Not one of the special weekends. I said I thought it would be better to do it the following weekend when we had both kids. He agreed. Nothing more was said.
This week SS has been taken on holiday with his Mum, step-sister and grandparents. He'll be spoiled rotten with attention and have an all round lovely time. My daughter isn't having a holiday this year, so I thought it'd be nice to do some fun things at the same time so she doesn't feel like she's got a bum deal... So far we've been on late night walks, made dessert for dinner, cooked and baked together and watched movies. It's been great. Now we've been invited to the cinema on Tuesday to watch Toy Story 4 with friends, which I agreed to. DP flipped his shit and said I had double standards as he "wasn't allowed" to take DSS to cinema when DD was at her Dad's for the weekend.

I've argued that it's not the same as she wasn't there doing anything special and that DSS will not be missing out as he's on holiday this week.

Tell me AIBU? I want to punch his face right now, which is wholly unreasonable, but is the whole cinema thing?

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 28/07/2019 19:49

I would go because you’ve been invited by someone else - it’d be different if you’d organised it. He could take his son another weekend.

You can’t turn down days out with friends because her brother will miss out

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2019 19:49

Your DP is correct. What they do with their other parent is irrelevant. If you said no to how cinema trip for just his DS he of course is right to point out the double standards.

Kungfupanda67 · 28/07/2019 19:53

I don’t have a blended family, I have 3 kids (6, 3 and 7 months). My eldest is away this week with his grandma. I haven’t stopped taking my 3 year old places. Likewise during term time we do stuff with the 3 year old that the 6 year old would enjoy.

What I’m getting at is even if they were full siblings they wouldn’t have exactly the same fun stuff.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 28/07/2019 19:56

I agree it sounds a bit like double standards. However, your DD got invited which makes it slightly different. At home we only do special things when all children are here, no if nor buts.

Beldon · 28/07/2019 19:56

You are being unreasonable. He wants to do nice things with his son, it’s not his fault that the son is going on holiday with his mum. You have stated that activities must be equal but then go against this rule yourself - then want to punch him in face for calling you out on it Hmm

Original poster
HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 19:57

Thanks for the input. What do you think I should be doing with my daughter this week? I'm honestly stumped. We obviously can't just stay cooped up in the house, and I absolutely don't want DSS to miss out...

OP posts:
OW98765 · 28/07/2019 19:58

Your DP is correct. What they do with their other parent is irrelevant. If you said no to a cinema trip for just his DS he of course is right to point out the double standards

^this. YABU.

T0getherindreams · 28/07/2019 19:58

This is why the idea of a "blended family" is just a load of bollocks.

It is a myth, dreamed up by people who are trying to convince themselves that family breakdown is perfectly normal and of no consequence.

You will be dealing with this
(or a similar version) till the day you die.

NCforthis2019 · 28/07/2019 20:00

Sorry - but this reeks of double standards by you and good on your husband to pull you up on it.

OW98765 · 28/07/2019 20:00

How about scrap the stupid rule that you can only do stuff when you have all the kids together ?!

There will be times when one misses out as they are with the other parents and visa Versa.

That way when this comes up again no one can veto a child going to the cinema which is ridiculous in the first place.

Original poster
HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 20:07

Thanks for your input so far... I am a complete hormonal wreck at the moment and am finding it hard to see when I've been clouded by my own emotions. Going forward, I don't want either kid to miss out... Do you think it's reasonable to (as OW98765 said), to scrap the rule and do things with the kids no matter when we have them? The only reason this has bothered me, is because we have DSS more weekends ,which means potentially DD would do less with us.

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 28/07/2019 20:09

How about scrap the stupid rule that you can only do stuff when you have all the kids together ?!

100%! Full siblings don’t sit at home whenever their siblings aren’t there. Fair enough don’t take them to a theme park when the other one’s not there, but the cinema??

What are you allowed to do without the other one? The park? Baking? Soft play? Swimming?

Kungfupanda67 · 28/07/2019 20:12

@HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan what does your daughter do when she’s at her dad’s? I think by tallying it and sort of point scoring like you are (and I do get why you’re doing it) you’re in danger of making it an issue between the kids.

I took my 3 year old trampolining a couple of weeks ago and my 6yo moaned that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t go. My response was ‘you’re at school so you can’t come. We’ll do something else at the weekend’. So if your daughter says it’s nt fair that her step brother has done something she hasn’t, just a factual ‘you were at your dad’s so you couldn’t come, but we’re all going to xyz on Sunday’

Original poster
HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 20:14

I think you're probably right 😳.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 20:17

I suppose because we only have one each, it's hard for us to see whether we're doing it in the same way we would if they were"full" siblings. We obviously want to and want them to grow up feeling as though they are related especially as they'll share a half brother or sister soon.

OP posts:
OW98765 · 28/07/2019 20:18

You can still plan BIG days out like theme parks and stuff like that all together but a simple trip to the cinema or bowling should be done as and when you want, not having to wait around for you to all be together.

Kungfupanda67 · 28/07/2019 20:20

Also remember that it’ll only be a couple of years before your daughter will be going out with her friends - will your stepson not be allowed to do anything while she’s at a friend’s house?

I’m not having a go, I really do get why you’ve done it the way you have - we struggle with ‘fairness’ and there’s no step sibling relationships to complicate things.

Maybe sit down with your husband and review the rules :)

Quartz2208 · 28/07/2019 20:21

You are massively I think overthinking it and having too strict rules. You should take her with friends to see Toy Story 4 but he should have been able to take his son to see Secret Life of Pets.

Full siblings do different things all the time!

Fucket · 28/07/2019 20:28

The thing is that when your baby is older are they not allowed to go anywhere nice or do anything exciting in case a much older half sibling is around. Must they stay inside and go nowhere whilst half siblings are enjoying themselves with their families (the other parent).

It’s the same with thins like Xmas presents and birthdays, you can’t really spend the same on each child because the half siblings will be getting twice as much (assuming they will be spoilt by the other parent too).

You have to think about this very carefully now there is a new child and a new family being created.

LemonSqueezy0 · 28/07/2019 20:29

I think you've got the message that YABU... But have you also have a new issue coming up - how are you intending to "manage" this when the new baby comes? Maybe use that as an excuse to completely overhaul the rules and regulations so that it's actually workable for the children and yourselves.

Original poster
HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 20:29

Thank you. I hadn't even considered that! 🤔

OP posts:
Beldon · 28/07/2019 21:25

Can you not perhaps draw up a budget per child, perhaps more for your daughter if she spends more time with you but if that causes arguments it may have to be 50/50. So if individual cinema trips have happened then when the kids are together it may mean doing more free activities like going to park or walk. Over the next week take a look at places museums as they often have free activities going on for families, google is your friend as guaranteed someone will have put together lists for your area. On an extra note all the best times I can think back to as a kid and things I did with my children were actually free activities (apart from packed lunch), things like rock pooling. Your daughter will feel spoilt getting time with you, that doesn’t need to cost money

Lovewineandchocs · 29/07/2019 01:17

Yes, it’s all getting overly complicated I think. You could have agreed to your DP taking his DS to Secret Life of Pets and you could have taken your DD to it at any time during the time DSS is on holiday. However, by the same token, if your friends had invited your DD to a picnic in the park your DP would not have flipped his lid, I’m sure. It’s only because it’s the cinema, which he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go to with his DS. That just shows that the whole rules and regulations thing about exactly equal treatment is not working -it’s like a transactional thing where the ‘debit’ of not going to the cinema with one must be cancelled out exactly by the ‘credit’ of not going to the cinema with the other. With a new baby on the way it is set to become even more complicated-tear up the rule book and start again! Grin

snitzelvoncrumb · 29/07/2019 01:25

I think it's fine to take her, it's not like you said he couldn't go to the movie, you just asked him to wait. Don't let your daughter miss out.

Tavannach · 29/07/2019 04:47

I think the cinema trip during the holidays is a bit different because her friends invited her. Presumably your SS will be going on trips on his holiday. Taking both kids to see a film together when you have them on the same weekend helps strengthen a sibling bond so I think your DH is being unreasonable. She's on her holidays!
Places like your local library and leisure centre as well as museums should have activities for kids during the holidays. Your council might have a list of summer playschemes on its website.

Swipe left for the next trending thread