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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Blended family woes...

47 replies

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 28/07/2019 19:46

Ok..
This might be a long one so bare with me please. Partner and I been together 3 years. I have a 9 year old daughter, he has a 5 year old son, we have another child due in a weeks time...
We effectively have shared care of our "other" children (we have my daughter 4 days a week, and his son 10 days out of 21). However we have my daughter every other weekend, but his son 2 out of 3. This means that during term time (in my opinion), we have less quality time with my daughter. When the holidays come round, we continue with the weekend arrangement for his son, but have him alternate weeks. My daughter is with us for 3 solid weeks now and then with her Dad for a week and then here in the week, but with her Dad for the weekends... Told you it was a long one.

Anyway, during term time we try to limit weekends activities to when we have both children as we just can't afford to do things all the time.

However, every now and again (maybe 3 times a year) we try to have a special day for each of them when they have our undivided attention without the other sibling's involvement... For example, we took my daughter ot a pottery painting cafe - her step brother is too young to appreciate the joy in taking his time to make something beautiful.

So around 3 months ago, my partner suggested taking SS to see secret life of pets at the cinema (which my daughter would have enjoyed) on his weekend. Not one of the special weekends. I said I thought it would be better to do it the following weekend when we had both kids. He agreed. Nothing more was said.
This week SS has been taken on holiday with his Mum, step-sister and grandparents. He'll be spoiled rotten with attention and have an all round lovely time. My daughter isn't having a holiday this year, so I thought it'd be nice to do some fun things at the same time so she doesn't feel like she's got a bum deal... So far we've been on late night walks, made dessert for dinner, cooked and baked together and watched movies. It's been great. Now we've been invited to the cinema on Tuesday to watch Toy Story 4 with friends, which I agreed to. DP flipped his shit and said I had double standards as he "wasn't allowed" to take DSS to cinema when DD was at her Dad's for the weekend.

I've argued that it's not the same as she wasn't there doing anything special and that DSS will not be missing out as he's on holiday this week.

Tell me AIBU? I want to punch his face right now, which is wholly unreasonable, but is the whole cinema thing?

OP posts:

DonutCone · 29/07/2019 05:36

Sorry, but Inthink its awful you stopped your DH taking his son to the cinema. It’s a film not a trip to the moon, but you don’t seem to want him to do anything even remotely nice without your daughter. I think that’s really shocking. I cannot comprehend a system where you can’t take your own child to the cinema unless it is a pre sanctioned ‘special weekend’.

AJPTaylor · 29/07/2019 06:15

If you have dss more of course you and his dad will do more with him?
Your dd will presumably doing stuff elsewhere?

KatherineJaneway · 29/07/2019 06:21

YANBU.

You can’t turn down days out with friends because her brother will miss out

This ^^

maddiemookins16mum · 29/07/2019 06:24

All these ‘rules’ sound exhausting.

pictish · 29/07/2019 06:29

I agree that yabu. It’s a daft rule that will never work...but you made it and such you’ve got to honour it. You can’t apply the rule to ss but bend it for your own kid. Nah.

Scrap the rule. Life isn’t going to comply with your idea.

VivienneHolt · 29/07/2019 06:38

I agree - scrap the rule for smaller treats like the cinema and just keep it for really special days out.

trotesio · 29/07/2019 07:05

I want to punch his face right now

Aren't you a treat

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2019 07:11

You're being too strict about these rules of yours. Its natural that sometimes one child will do something the other one can't and vice versa. As long as you both love them both and treat them similarly then that's all you need. Sort this out before the new baby comes.

Tiredtessy · 29/07/2019 07:39

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read! All of this will come to an end in a weeks time when the baby comes along anyway? There will be no special anything as the baby will be there at everything! And if money is tight now, it will be even tighter, let her go to the cinema as she won’t be going much soon

MammaMia19 · 29/07/2019 07:55

Full siblings don’t get special time on their own so I’d scrap the special days and that they are only allowed to do things with siblings.
I think it’s fairer to try and do days out when the kids are together but if something pops up like dh wants to take his son out then just let him. When baby arrives you might want to take dd out and leave the baby with him. At the moment trying to arrange things like this sounds a bit complicated and fun sucking.
YABU to not let dh take his son to the cinema then wanting to do the same thing a few days later but I get the hormones thing.
Also it really annoys me when posters reply to posts like this saying things like this is why blended families don’t work and slag off blended families etc. What are people meant to do after a divorce/relationship breakdown, never have more kids or meet another partner? It’s ridiculous!

15YemenRoad · 29/07/2019 08:10

I want to punch his face right now

Isn't it nice how a woman can get away with saying something like this with no one blinking an eye but if a man had said it in the same way as OP did in her post, everyone would point it out and call him abusive and make it the point of his post, ignoring everything else.

As for your rules, it seems you want to impose them simply because of your own daughter, which makes it seem as though if it was his son in your daughter's position you wouldn't care so much. While your daughter is away, I imagine she is still doing something with her father, it's ridiculously unreasonable for you to dictate what your partner does with his son.

As for this cinema trip, I'm glad he called you out on your double standards as it appears you only want to notice things when it affects your daughter.

Stop trying to dictate his choices with his child, you both should be able to do what you wish whenever you have the children. This should be the case regardless if they're both present or only one of them. Of course bigger planned trips will always be better with both present, but cinema trips and generally going out for fun should not be monitored like this.

Frazzled2207 · 29/07/2019 09:30

I see your dh's point entirely.

Your "rules" are over complicated and you need to relax them a bit, obviously very big stuff like theme parks and holidays happen with all kids where possible but in terms of everything else I think you just balance out best you can without being too strict about it.

Best of luck with the baby.

Grumpos · 29/07/2019 09:47

On this occasion yes it is double standards on your part in relation to the cinema (not the other nice but not overly “special” things you’ve been doing)

However you need to relax these rules a little because the simple fact is that children of separated parents will miss out on things occasionally and that is completely unavoidable and you’re making a bigger deal than needs to be.

Of course big days out, holidays etc it’s only fair to organise when both kids are at home but other events I really wouldn’t worry too much - other child will be doing stuff and having fun with their other parent.

We have two SC who only come Friday / Saturday so they do occasionally miss out on family things we do on a Sunday - never that exciting as we have a young child - but maybe seeing family or going to a dog show or food market etc.
Also whilst they go on holiday with their mum we will take our child away for maybe a long wkend etc and in the future we will do summer holidays without them and they will go with their mum as they have done several times before.

In summary - this is the reality of mixed families, just try to be as fair as you can but don’t be so rigid that it causes arguments.

MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2019 09:53

I see where your DP is coming from

TBH it sounds like a nitemare you have introduced with this 'special time' for one not the other.

edwinbear · 29/07/2019 10:02

YANBU. Take her to the cinema with her friends before the new baby arrives - presumably your SS wouldn't want to join a group of people he doesn't know know anyway, even if he'd been invited (which he hasn't). Presumably he goes on play dates with your DD?

Kitsandkids · 29/07/2019 10:20

I think you just need to get on with life and do things with whichever kid you have with you at the time. Obviously I wouldn’t take one on a once in a lifetime holiday without the other but day trips, sure. Presumably when each child is with their other parent they’re doing nice things as well?
My two eldest kids are at school all day in term times so they can’t go to soft play etc with their toddler sister. I’ve never thought to not take her anywhere in the day times because they can’t come. It evens out anyway as she’s spent most of her first 2 years having to tag along to things they want to do on evenings and weekends. The other week I took her to a theatre show while they were at school, so obviously they missed out but then at Christmas time they went to two pantomimes that she didn’t so if if they were keeping ‘score,’ which they don’t, I could point that out to them.

Pinktinker · 29/07/2019 10:47

Blended families always sound so complicated, I couldn’t hack it.

He should be able to take his son out alone imo without you there so he could have taken his son to the cinema that weekend then you could have taken your DD to see it another time. You’re not unreasonable to take your DD to the cinema at all but I do think in future you should consider days out with your individual children alone too.

NCforthis2019 · 29/07/2019 10:56

i want to punch his face right now - really?! Jesus christ, if this was a man saying that, everyone would call you an abuser and ask if your are usually this violent....

15YemenRoad · 29/07/2019 14:19

@NCforthis2019 Yup, but look how easily it's ignored when a woman says it.

Original poster

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 30/07/2019 20:32

For all of those saying I'm violent for wanting to punch him in the face... Lighten up, that was obviously meant to be tongue in cheek. I was making a point about my mental state rather than anything I was actually going to action... On a side note, I decided to take DD to the cinema with friend, but we went to a different film which I knew wouldn't appeal DSS. We'll go as a family to watch Toy Story 4 so no one's missed out on this occasion. Going forward we're going to be more relaxed about little trips when we have just one. Thanks for your input everyone, I appreciate your honesty. After I calmed down, I was able to see DPs side and apologised for the double standards. I'm sure this won't be the last glitch we have dealing with the 3 children.

OP posts:

Cano · 30/07/2019 20:56

In these situations OP, when your DP wants to take his son to the cinema or similar when your DD is at her dad’s and you know she would also enjoy the activity. Suggest your DP takes his DS on his own. You then could take your DD another time.

You don’t have to both do everything together and this way your DC get to spend time alone with their own parent.

AE18 · 30/07/2019 21:14

Well for starters if your daughter was invited by friends she doesn't share with SS then there is no reason she shouldn't be able to go, because he wouldn't have been invited anyway and she is allowed to have her own friends.

But you asked earlier in the thread what you are supposed to do with your daughter in the weeks he isn't there, and I think that shows just why this "only together" system doesn't work. People need to leave the house for various reasons whether everyone is there or not, and it's stupid to just stay in bored all the time unless you're all there. I would just save the big treats for when you're all there, for small things it's excessive and impractical.

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