Friends who you help through difficult situations who then DUMP you?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I've had this happen twice now. One friend hadn't be that close to me but when she found her DH had been cheating, she confided in me and I helped her through it all. They got back together and all was well.

She then began to ignore me on the school run.

That was ten years ago. Now a much closer friend has been through a similar thing. I was there for her completely...listened for HOURS, gave good advice without judging anyone...she turned to me in the small hours...came and wept on my sofa...I neglected work (self employed) to support her at these times.

Now, they're back together...and she's stopped calling! Even before they had their issues, she'd drop in once or twice a week or we'd call each other for cafe meetings.

Now she's stopped calling me and when I call her, she's busy or tired.

Wtf??

I never ONCE bad mouthed their husbands to them either...I suspected in both cases they'd forgive and forget so knew that saying "He's a nasty bastard and I never thought he was good enough" would NOT be a good idea.

So what's going on?

Are you a good listener? People often offload to me because I can take the mental load. I’m hardy and practical and get on with it, so a lot of my friends turn to me for advice. I know I can’t expect the same level of support back (well, there’s one friend I could).

Some people just fit well in to the supportive role, which is why you’ll find it’s happened more than once. They don’t talk to you as much now because they don’t need such support.

Maybe , now that she is back together with her DH, she doesn't want to talk about it any more and thinks you might want to bring it up again. In your situation I'd just let it go for a while. If she is just getting back with him, they might be wanting some alone time .

Wait a few weeks and then just text and say cheerfully that you'd like to meet for coffee . Don't push it , and if she still ignores you, you might just have to write the friendship off.

Pickle is that it? I suppose I am a good listener...well they can fuck off. I'm really pissed off now.

This current friend, I've known for years and she IS a bit selfish. As soon as she's ok, it's seeya later Henny.

Should I tell her how I feel?

Sea I've never given her any reason to think I'd want to talk about it again. I've known her YEARS and we have lots in common besides our husbands.

Lots!

This is common. They are embarrassed the you know their innermost secrets and vulnerabilities - and now they've gone back to the bloke that caused it. Ive seen it several times - its them, not you

Questions I can sort of see that. The current friend is embarrassed about the way her DH has acted recently in public.

So she obviously cares what people think. But I'm the least judgemental person in the world. She knows that. I feel quite sad tbh as she's one of my best mates.

I think it’s quite common that a friendship breaks down after cheating etc & then the couple gets back together. You probably remind her of things she dislikes about her partner & she feels uncomfortable with what she has shared with you. In the same way the friend who tells another friend that their partner is cheating often gets frozen out.

Some people are just selfish though & cant see outside their own little world & take but can’t give. Then some people just can’t cope with problems/issues and distance themselves.

Toomany has it. But politely ditch them. They aren't reliable friends.

Fancy I have heard of that but never thought this particular mate would do that.

It is called an Emotional Hangover.

Oversharing to the wrong person so then later when they get back on their feet a bit they feel you see them and only see their problems/grief.

Yes I had a friend like this. Supported her through years of infertility, miscarriage, ivf. Then she got pregnant naturally. It was a miracle , was so, so happy for her. Supported her through a difficult pregnancy and birth. When baby was one she dumped me. Guess I wasn't necessary any more.

It really hurt.

Cambon I don;t see how I was the wrong person though. I was one of her closest friends. She's always shared with me...and I with her.

People don't like to be reminded of a horrible time in their life so they avoid the people who supported them through it. It's very common.

The first woman I mentioned...I was the wrong person then...I see that. But this time? not at all!

HennyPennyHorror Even though you’re not she probably thinks you are judging her & perhaps deep down she is judging herself a bit. Easier to avoid & pretend then confront.

No good deed goes unpunished op.people resent those who help them and have seen them vulnerable. It's silly, they could just be there for you, or buy some flowers, or just pay it on, but they don't. One ppl give, some take. Try to do both, and care for who looks after you. Sometimes we make listening look too easy.

Some ppl

Yes similar story OP.
Friend got cheated on, leant on me heavily even when I was having my own problems, dropped me like a hot potato as soon as they met a new partner. Now they are blissfully happy, always on holidays, going to concerts and generally loving life.
Life isnt fair and people like that seem to come out on top 9 times out of 10
Harsh but true.

I think that’s understandable. I suspect you were the only person they confided in and they felt completely embarrassed that you knew the truth. They wanted the world to still believe all was fine and their marriages are perfect, you knew that’s just not the case. They’re embarrassed, it’s as simple as that.

This has happened to me a lot. I decided it's because I'm good in a crisis & can listen & then usually see a way out, a compromise or a solution. The being dumped thing after used to bother me but I think it's because once they're ok they maybe don't want a reminder of the rough patch as they feel embarrassed or as if you somehow know too much : & in their mind that gives you the upper hand so it's not an equal relationship to them & they move on.

I've had this so many times. It's all about them wanting to move on and not be reminded of a difficult time. It's galling when you think of the HOURS spent not doing the things you'd rather be doing so that you can provide a sympathetic ear. Don't take it personally, happens all the time.

Pink I wasn't the only person....she also confided in another friend, her sister and her cousin. She's been grumpy with her sister I know but can't see her being grumpy with her friend at all.

YANBU and been there. One friend, not terribly close but we were all part of a group of friends. Her DP cheated on her, behaved horribly, and I was there for her. Not great oversharing, but just quietly supportive. She recently blocked me on FB. I guess she just didn't like me very much. Or my getting together with another guy from the group of friends finished her off. Not exactly happy for others though and I kind of see why her DP left her.

I've had this happen to me too. My "best friend" was always single and I included her in everything. She spent Christmas, New Years, Birthdays, Holidays with my own family for over 10 years. Within 3 weeks of her meeting her now husband I was completely dropped. I didnt even get an invite to her wedding. It hurt so much at the time. Still does a bit. You sound lovely OP. I wouldn't have dropped you if you'd been my mate!

I think being dropped for a new guy is for different reasons than going back after a break up. I think there’s so much pressure to LTB when there are problems like infidelity that when women decide to try again they feel slightly ashamed or embarrassed by that ( not that I think they should - things are not always clear cut). Essentially you have “ the goods” on them - you are a reminder of the negative experience they’ve been through .... I think it’s a form of cognitive dissonance and it’s just easier to cut you out rather than process their feelings on the subject.