Friends who you help through difficult situations who then DUMP you?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I've had this happen twice now. One friend hadn't be that close to me but when she found her DH had been cheating, she confided in me and I helped her through it all. They got back together and all was well.

She then began to ignore me on the school run.

That was ten years ago. Now a much closer friend has been through a similar thing. I was there for her completely...listened for HOURS, gave good advice without judging anyone...she turned to me in the small hours...came and wept on my sofa...I neglected work (self employed) to support her at these times.

Now, they're back together...and she's stopped calling! Even before they had their issues, she'd drop in once or twice a week or we'd call each other for cafe meetings.

Now she's stopped calling me and when I call her, she's busy or tired.

Wtf??

I never ONCE bad mouthed their husbands to them either...I suspected in both cases they'd forgive and forget so knew that saying "He's a nasty bastard and I never thought he was good enough" would NOT be a good idea.

So what's going on?

This happened to me with my sister.

We'd been very close as young women but llost touch for a few years.

We got together again, over the phone only, when she was going through a really rough time when her son was very ill.

We spent hours and hours on the phone talking not just about what was happening at the time, but catching up about other things as well. She told me several times that she didn't know what she'd have done if she hadn't had my support through it all as she had no one else she could talk to.

Thankfully, her son's treatment worked and he was okay.

Literally a few days after he'd been given the all clear she rang me and told me she didn't want to speak to me again and I wasn't to contact her again. Never found out why.

I suspect it was because she felt I'd been witness to what was an awful time for her and she just didn't want to be in touch with someone who'd been around when she'd been feeling so vulnerable.

I imagine your friend is the same OP. It's very hurtful.

You know too much and it makes them feel insecure. It's very common and nothing to do with you personally.

I agree with previous posters, you have seen her at her most vulnerable and she is now powerless in her relationship with you.

I have had this with a friend on 10 years, she used to be a bit patronising and was better off than me etc but we had eachothers backs. One day she behaved appallingly and I called her out on it, she admitted she was in the wrong and all her worries and vulnerabilities regarding herself as a mum came out - I think she regrets this and now has no idea how to continue her relationship with me, she has lost her power.

It hurts but you did nothing wrong. Let go and let yourself grieve a bit. She has lost out.

Wow. Terrible, OP.
Your story, and all the other stories on here -- I'll know to avoid
ever helping a friend too closely through a crisis now!

I've had this recently, a good friend who then suddenly ghosted me.

I’m very fond of the saying ‘a good deed never goes unpunished’. It doesn’t stop me from giving to others who need me, but it does remind me that I might get nothing (or worse) back.
I think those who are saying it’s because the relationship became unequal are accurate. The person you helped made themselves vulnerable so they’ve withdrawn. It’s miserable being on the receiving end of it.

I agree with "no good deed goes unpunished"
I was ghosted after 12 yrs of really close friendship. Supported her through her husband's death. She was there for me after my son's death.
I thought after all that we were mates for life.
She got with a new fella, became utterly money and staus obsessed - dramatically - and ghosted me.
Stupid thing was, I knew she'd done that to others but I thought our friendship was immune.
I've still kept all the dark secrets she told me but felt thoroughly let down for quite a while.
I'm at peace with it now as I realised I don't miss her drama and constant blaming of innocents for her actions. Took me a while to see that.

Oh dear I am guilty of this. I didn't take their advice, and I think they would be so cross I daren't call them! I can't face being nagged at or then feeling sorry for me / trying to change my mind - both very forthright ladies I've been friends with for decades.

I forgot to add I will get in touch. One will say oh well it's your funeral and bang on about how I've let myself down and the other will say oh well I suppose you know what you are doing but you are wrong you fool so I will just feel dreadful either way.

They will know I haven't been in touch because of this. They won't mind telling me so!

Yup. I supported a friend through a lot recently, but when I was having a tough time (nowhere near the amount she'd leaned on me) was basically told to man up. So I've stopped. She tries to moan about her husband and I don't engage. I've spent far too many evenings going round in circles/listening/giving advice when asked/sending resources, and now I'm done. I'll give a non committal 'oh that's a shame' but that's it.
It's not you OP.

Over the past 30 years this has happened to me 3 times. Until I read these posts I really thought it was just me. Thank you MNers for the eye opener.
The first ‘friend’ dumped me after she had gone through a divorce and then met a new man. I once drove 100 miles through the snow for her!
Some years later the second dumped me after I’d listened to a year of her ranting ‘nervous breakdown’. I even cancelled my birthday celebrations, because she needed me.
The third had a sudden serious medical condition, which occurred while we were out. I dealt with the emergency, after which she could not drive for 2 years. I then drove her everywhere, when I could, I got no thanks and was then ghosted.
The trouble is I look for the good in people and will probably be taken for a mug again.

This has happened twice to me too. I questioned what I had done wrong, was I too this too that? Too good a listener. I still don't really understand.

Op, it’s not you. Pp are saying it’s her issue, her embarrassment, her emotional recovery. I get you’re hurt, but this wasn’t your fault, and looking at yourself for the answer will not happen. You aren’t the Wrong person, you’re a person.

Personally, I’ve been ditched by the same friend twice, and there will be no third. First time supported her through a break up, and she ditched me when she met her new man. I made contact years later. She was then in an abusive relationship with someone else and had lost all bar one friend. Supported her through this, then when she finally moved on from him, she hasn’t contacted me for months. Has her old good time friends back now she’s allowed to see them, and I haven’t had a text. She’s even missed things we arranged months ago as now she has better offers.
But this is her issue, not mine. I can only change myself and my actions, not hers. I’m afraid next time she is on her own.

There is a school of thought that the Karpman drama triangle feeds into these situations. Rescuer/victim/persecutor roles are filled, then the drama begins.
Husband = persecutor
Wife = victim
Outside person = rescuer.
I find it a very interesting theory, as I'm definitely a rescuer/fixer, and have to work very hard not to 'collect' damaged people. It's not my job to fix anyone else. Except it was my job for a really long time as an RN!

With hindsight, I can see that the person in my situation was (and remains) an eternal victim. It's all about how other people have wronged her. I know, for her, it's a survival mechanism for her abusive marriage, but understanding it doesn't make it suck any less.

It's happened recently to me too.
Best mates for nearly 30 years. Met,then married a bloke I wasn't too sure of. He cheated quite early on in the marriage then again 6 months later. He was also emotionally abusive. I supported her through it all. She went back to him,I took a step back,as I felt too involved,but the friendship has now ended.
I'm really sad about it as I don't have many friends,but from reading the explanations & experiences here ,it's good to know I'm not the only one,& the reasons behind it make sense.

Henny I wish you were my friend. I have recently been through heartbreak, my DP was having an EA with a mutual friend and it broke my heart. My friends have been amazing, I reconnected with a couple who I hadn’t spoke to in about 5 years (drifted, no falling out), and everyone has been amazing. They understood that I wasn’t ready to leave DP and we have stayed together.

They have seen me ugly crying, manic, in despair etc and I am starting to come out the other side. And I can never imagine dumping them, I am eternally grateful for the support they have shown me, and I would be there like a shot for them.

I don’t understand this dumping people when times are good, that’s when you should be celebrating

I think the worst thing is seeing how their lives have thrived and how they are blissfully happy. I don't get how people can use others like that and come off better. It messes with my head.

Slightly different but years ago I went through something really traumatic and some friends that I was studying with were amazing and supportive. But as time moved on it felt as if for them I was defined by the tragic incident and I did find I wanted distance. I think part of the problem was that these people ( due to meeting while studying ) didn't know me before so that was all I was. I didn't find I needed distance from my old friends.
Some people and I'm one of them like to be seen as copers and feel vulnerable when people have seen other sides of them.

I agree with bubbles. I've been through something very difficult recently and my union rep has been phenomenal but now I'm through it she keeps contacting me and my heart sinks when i see her caller id.

The only capacity she knows me in is that of a distressed mess and I'm not that person anymore and don't want to be dragged back to that place.

Friendships happen to meet needs. Sometimes a permanent need for a friend, sometimes temporary need, eg for support - and when that temporary need is no longer there, the friendship may dissolve.

Don't give more help than you are prepared to give - if you need to be repaid for your help by a continuing friendship, then you're giving too much.

Always be alert to the possibilities of new friendships. What matters is that you have a group of close friends around you all your life, not that they're the same friends.

Then that's called using people to meet your own needs? Sounds very narcisstic

No not necessarily. Sometimes it's called self preservation.

It's not you, theyre embarrassed about the 'over sharing'. Quite possibly embarrassed they forgave their partner, because they probably thought they were never the type to get back with a cheat. They're embarassed at themselves. But most definitely not you, that's the cause or issue. Prob just can't face you, as it reminds them if what happened, or the grief and sadness, because you were there at that time and they actually really just can't face themselves.