Repressed memories... Aibu to try to recover them?

[Tropicanallama]

Recently I had a flashback of a memory from when I was much younger - a time where I would have been about 5 and in the care of another family member. I’m now in my 30s. The memory was nothing deeply traumatic, although I remember feeling it was at the time. I wasn’t sure if it was a real memory or something I might have dreamt, so I asked my parents who confirmed that I had told them the same version of events at the time. Although there were much vaguer parts of this memory that I couldn’t quite put my finger on (ie., being in a certain location but not really knowing exactly where it could have been - like describing a room but not being able to describe the building the room was in). This part was news to my parents, I hadn’t told them that at the time and they couldn’t help me figure it out.

I can’t help feeling that there may have been a more sinister part to this time period, otherwise why would I repress it, and why are there still bits I can’t quite recall? But should I try to recall it properly and find out if there is something more to it, or is it better left alone?
I’m kind of thinking ignorance is bliss, but what if something horrible comes suddenly flooding back when I’m least expecting it.

Has anybody sought to recover repressed memories and they wish they hadn’t?

Of course it’s probably all nothing. Sorry for being vague about everything. Just not sure if I should be trying to deal with something that may or may not even be an issue

Most psychologists now believe there is no such thing as repressed memories. There have been cases where unscrupulous or inexperienced therapists have implanted false memories in people who have then accused family members of abuse that never happened.

Regression therapy has had a devastating effect on our family. The background was quite sad and the therapy sought (not via a GP referral) was a last resort after many many years of trying to address MH issues. False memories/suggestion were involved and the result on the person and the wider family was profound. Three years later we are trying to move on but the family unit is changed forever

From my experience I wouldn’t touch it.

@RubyRubyRubyRubyAaaaah you are absolutely right. It's why I try not to dwell on it too much...it's only as I've become more experienced that I've realised just how awful she was. She was a therapist at a small, isolated workplace where we lived. I wasn't an employee but family members were heavily involved. For a start, we were friends as well as therapist and client which is all kinds of wrong I think.
And yet it has definitely stuck with me. I'd like to be able to forget it.

@nautiloid I’m sorry you experienced that and it stayed with you

@Ruby my reply function isn't working but thank you.
Obviously it's made me wary of some therapists and less orthodox methods.
There are some absolutely brilliant therapists out there who help people completely transform the way they think.
There are others who aren't great and who can do harm.

@nautiloid I totally agree. Bad therapists aren’t just no help, they are dangerous. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold.
I try to keep in mind that sometimes there isn’t An Answer. Sometimes we don’t know the answer yet, sometimes we will never really know, sometimes we think we do know. But 500 years ago if crops failed people “knew” they had upset God, whereas now...

The ideas of repressed memories and forced recovery are very controversial in psychology and psychotherapy.

In general, people have this idea that memory isn't fallible and if we remember something that it must be real or exactly what happened. However, in reality, memories are not very trustworthy and there are a lot of psychological studies that show this.

In particular, it is actually very easy for other people to influence your memories. There's been a lot of research done into this, from research into how leading questions can impact eyewitness testimony, to studies that showed people old childhood "diaries" containing events that never happened - yet the studies found participants often claimed to remember these events, even embellishing them with further details.

There is very little evidence for any sort of therapy where a therapist helps you to "recover" lost memories - often the recovered memories turn out to be innaccurate, and other people can som proove that they can't have happened. In my opinion, a reputable therapist won't get involved in trying to help you "recover" past memories. Even the idea of repressed memories is largely derived from Freud's ideas around the "unconcious mind"- which is an old idea most modern psychologists and therapists have largely moved on from.

If you want to seek therapy to help you deal with what you have already remembered, that is one thing and probably a good idea if you feel upset or confused about what you have remembered. However, trying to "recover" the rest of this memory is not a good idea.

The “unconscious mind” is very much prevalent in some areas of thinking - the thing is with Op she has only remembered some parts of a situation but not the full memory otherwise she would be able to recall where the location was - why would the brain give you a flashback of something that did not happen?

I can understand that there are good and bad therapists and perhaps those that made the situation worse where not really equipped to deal with the issues at hand

PTSD is a reaction to something that happened - the only way as far as I’m aware to deal with this is to talk about it. Not acknowledging it didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away - it can be buried for years - being triggered completely out of the blue and throwing you into chaos.

Growling bear - surely it's easy to find out whose memory is accurate - possibly the older one?

I really would never want my repressed memories back, I am coping fine by forgetting them. My mum with her armchair psychology would say it’s unhealthy but they aren’t affecting me, I forgot an entire period of about 3 years and it’s only been beneficial to me because it was painful and what I do vaguely remember I feel like that all happened to someone else.

I’d tread carefully here, it’s a bit of a Pandora’s box.

why would the brain give you a flashback of something that did not happen?

Also, my epilepsy does this. It’s called TLE, temporal lobe epilepsy. It’s massively common and under diagnosed because you do not lose conscious, you just day dream so people think they have anxiety or are having premonitions. It’s not even unpleasant but it does make you wonder if what you just saw (and felt) was a true emotion or your brain going wobbly.

Me again, here’s a link to a study about deja vu and TLE and there is a lot on the epilepsy society page. But just to say that for me it’s stronger than a typical deja vu feeling, it’s all consuming and all you can think about, you can’t stop thinking about the “memory”.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3420423/

I had a male family member behave very inappropriately towards me as a child. It wasn’t quite sexual abuse but it skirted on the boundaries of that. I remember a couple of incidents clearly and never repressed them or anything but I did sort of ‘put it out of my mind’ and never really let myself think about it until a conversation with a boyfriend in my late teens where I told him what had happened (this was in the context of my flinching/obvious discomfort with the proper snogging type of kissing and him asking me what was the matter). I then told my mum and, although I’d not told her at the time, she was able to join the dots with some odd things I’d said/done at the time.

So I’m clear that the inappropriate thing I remember definitely happened, and roughly the age range I was although I couldn’t pinpoint it. I remember one location clearly but no others.

I’ve been haunted for years with the idea that more happened and I’d repressed the memories somehow. I did end up asking a therapist about this (I didn’t go to the therapist about this but it was something that came up after seeing her a while). She was pretty sceptical of the idea of repressed memories - she helped me process the memories I actually did have and the feelings they brought up which was far more helpful than going digging for more! I’m happy to leave well enough alone for now, but also having broached the subject and talked around it a bit more I feel like if I did suddenly remember something else out of nowhere I’d know where to go for support with that and I know I’d deal with it whatever came up.

Not all repressed memories are bad, in fact 'repressed' is not always an accurate description. Some are just memories that are filed away in our unconscious.

@IamPickleRick that’s fascinating, I never came across this before, thanks for the link!
Even the name “repressed memories” implies there is a memory there. There may not be. If it were so simple to unpick, we wouldn’t need therapists....

RubyRubyRubyRubyAaaaah yeah it really is fascinating.

I honestly thought I could see angels before I was diagnosed. During an aura (simple partial seizure, still fully conscious and aware of what’s going on, TLE often doesn’t progress past this stage) I could see people in my minds eye and “knew” them and the situation we were in. So the false memory had an emotion attached and gave every suggestion it was real. I went off thinking I’d been visited by someone I knew from the past but couldn’t put my finger on. Often it would start with thinking of a real memory and kind of merge together with bits my brain had made up. Joan of Arc is said to have had this type of epilepsy.

It was only when one of those moments went past the aura stage to a full unconscious seizure (tonic clonic) that I ever went to the doctor and got my diagnosis. It’s really interesting but also crap because people don’t understand it and just go on about light sensitivity, which only a small % of epilepsy sufferers even have! 😂

I’m with Rachelover on this - I do think memories are in our unconscious - sometimes chatting with my DB he is surprised when I cannot remember a family event to the same extent as him - and this is good memories.

As I’ve said before I’m interested in the brain - I know for myself I have a thing where I cannot remember dates and years - even things that I would want to remember - like the death of my mum date and month I remember but not year - also wedding anniversary date and month again but not year married - had to look it up -

I don’t know why this is - I’m wondering whether this may lead to Alzheimer’s (I’m 50s) or whether my day to day life is so stressful (currently it is) that my capacity to remember stuff is diminished.

Also lately I’ve found myself not wanting to remember stuff - I used to be extremely organised - list of jobs on the go that need to be done - know my attitude is if it needs to be done it will be -not always on time but it gets done - feel like I’m living in total chaos on one hand but on other do I really need an ongoing list - we are meant to live in the moment - how can we if we have a never ending list of chores -

I’m interested in this deja vu too - I’m looking at this from a “spiritual” angle - IamPickleRick - I could believe you did see angels- maybe epilepsy is some sort of extra sensitivity you have but it has to be given a science based slant as anything else is a bit too weird!

Growling bear - surely it's easy to find out whose memory is accurate - possibly the older one?
@Vulpine - How? genuine question. I have no idea how to discover which of us remembers it correctly. It was a traumatic incident in which our parents left us in the care of a complete stranger while abroad and he took us to this place then separated us. I was taken into one room by an old woman and my sister was taken into another room with him and we weren't allowed to be together. They were speaking in Italian so we didn't understand a word. It was in Italy, miles from anywhere. How would we establish who recalls correctly? Both of us have a sense that something weird or wrong happened there but neither of us is sure what or why.