Repressed memories... Aibu to try to recover them?

[Tropicanallama]

Recently I had a flashback of a memory from when I was much younger - a time where I would have been about 5 and in the care of another family member. I’m now in my 30s. The memory was nothing deeply traumatic, although I remember feeling it was at the time. I wasn’t sure if it was a real memory or something I might have dreamt, so I asked my parents who confirmed that I had told them the same version of events at the time. Although there were much vaguer parts of this memory that I couldn’t quite put my finger on (ie., being in a certain location but not really knowing exactly where it could have been - like describing a room but not being able to describe the building the room was in). This part was news to my parents, I hadn’t told them that at the time and they couldn’t help me figure it out.

I can’t help feeling that there may have been a more sinister part to this time period, otherwise why would I repress it, and why are there still bits I can’t quite recall? But should I try to recall it properly and find out if there is something more to it, or is it better left alone?
I’m kind of thinking ignorance is bliss, but what if something horrible comes suddenly flooding back when I’m least expecting it.

Has anybody sought to recover repressed memories and they wish they hadn’t?

Of course it’s probably all nothing. Sorry for being vague about everything. Just not sure if I should be trying to deal with something that may or may not even be an issue

For me it would depend on how it's affecting my life. If I was perfectly happy - no issues, then just move on.

But if I had residual anxiety or depression, felt like I had gone through trauma, I might feel like exploring it.

The brain is an amazing thing, but where memories are involved it's worth noting that our own memories not always accurate.

Forgot to note - a vivid flashback that makes you feel as if you were there, at that age, in that environment, can be a trauma symptom, namely PTSD.

Please don't.

My mum had regression therapy and she ended up sectioned.
The 'therapist' basically forced her to re live years of abuse again and she couldn't cope.

Very very dangerous 'therapy'.

The idea of repressed memories is quite controversial. Lots of people have very patchy memories from around age 5 anyway. It doesn't mean anything traumatic happened.

I have some memories, not traumatic, that are very strong however definitely not real. Although they feel real I've concluded that I must have had some vivid dreams that now feel like memories. Like the other poster said, if it doesn't impact on your day to day life then why bother.

Psychotherapist here and I would absolutely say stay well away from any form of 'repressed memory' recovery. There is no evidence at all to say that it's reliable and huge amounts of trauma have been created for those undergoing such 'therapies'

Thank you everyone. I have a very, very happy life and I would like to just push this back down where it was in my brain, and hope nothing terrible every surfaces. If it does I will deal with it at the time.

It’s just a very strange feeling and I wasn’t quite sure the best way to deal with it, and somehow it’s better getting it out in the open.

Thank you all so much for reassuring me that it’s ok to just try and forget about it!

For me early memories are stored because they were attached to strong emotions. Like fear. Things I was scared of at 3 I can now rationalise( like birth of my sibling.) I have always had these though.

I don’t know your circumstances, and mine are certainly very different however I do think you have to be very careful with “repressed memories”. Particularly the theory “if you can’t remember it, you must be repressing some trauma”. I had difficulty remembering a lot of detail for something upsetting which happened years ago. When I spoke about this, people around me pushed the “must be trauma if you can’t remember it” line. I drove myself mad trying to “bring back” memories, and at the same time scared of what they might be.
Every scrap of info was jumped on as “proof” but at the same time it didn’t quite add up for me (because I didn’t want to admit it....apparently)
In fact, a bit like a PP there were some things that had caused me some upset, but not in the way people might assume, nor for the reasons they assumed. Plus it wasn’t anything particularly bad, it turns out.
Eventually I did got to a psychotherapist and a lot of the work ended up being around along with others trying to make me “fit the narrative” which wasn’t the truth. I think we may need to give “armchair psychology” a downgrade.

I have long term depression. If I were to talk about my childhood I would say it was “happy” however my DM had MH issues and was sectioned in her 50’s. She was diagnosed as schizophrenic. She would never talk about any of this - whenever she was “unwell” and had periods of time in bed I was always told she had the flu.

I have memories of huge arguments between my parents - my DF shouting at DM to take her medication usually in the middle of the night and being awoken by this.

I have just gone through an extremely acrimonious divorce where I came to the realisation that my marriage had been pretty emotionally abusive. I looked for a partner who had similar qualities to my DF.

Since my DM died I learnt something about her that changed my whole perspective - I have also seen my DF behave what I would think is “out of character” but actually believe is his real character.

I have often said I would like to have my life played back to me on a screen so I can see what really happened rather than be left with what I think happened - I really cannot remember very much at all - I believe this is protection too by the brain. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my 20s after a difficult period at work.

I have recently been back under MH team as a result of difficulties during my divorce. Right now I would say I am still suffering. I have had counselling in the past in 20s and again recently.

For the majority of my marriage I thought I was happy but there was always an undercurrent - does this relate to feelings from my childhood that I could not quite identify as they had been buried - I think so

On various threads on MN I have been got at for seeming to have an unhealthy obsession over my X - I do not believe this is so. I believe the mismatch between what I was “told” about my childhood and what really happened has left me with an inability to really know my true self and what is really a gut instinct or a perceived gut instinct - as a result I’m not sure of myself, who I am and what is “real”

Not sure if any of this makes sense - as there are two professionals on this thread - would be interested in their view!

I was also told that anything buried will come to the surface to be dealt with - maybe this is what is happening to you now op - you say your life is happy - maybe you know have the emotional strength to deal with this - I was told that if you continue to bury stuff it will come out eventually - maybe at a time of some other traumatic event which sort of takes the lid of all this repressed stuff!

Sorry Op but maybe now is the right time - you don’t say how old you are or where you are at with life stages but maybe this needs to be resolved now. Also my parents believed in not telling me stuff to “protect” me - they thought this was for the best - however we pick up on stuff that maybe unspoken and that creates a mismatch with what is spoken - could your parents know more than they are letting on as a way of protecting you x

Sorry op just reread you are in your 30s do you have children of your own?

Memory is an incredibly unreliable tool. My sister and I were recalling a troubling childhood event and she remembered it happening in a caravan while I remembered a two storey cottage. Both equally vivid and both believed our own version of it.
I'd be incredibly skeptical of the veracity of recovered memories. Trust how you feel now rather than what you remember from then.

If the memories resurface of their own - then that is fine. You might want a therapist to talk about how they make you feel and deal with any memories.

What you do not want to do is any hypnosis or forceful type regression therapy. Not only can this be traumatic - but it can also give you false memories.
False memories are known to fairly easily occur even with no intention. For example: A woman was mugged. Afterwards she described her attacker. The Police set up an ID parade. She identified the suspect (A). He was tried and went to Prison. However a little later another man was brought in on similar charges (B). B's DNA matched a sample from the original crime, also a new Alibi for A came to light. A was released and B was tried. However the mugged woman when confronted by images of the two remembered A as being her attacker not B. Even though all the evidence now showed that A couldn't hae done it (something like being caught on camera being in the background of a news report), and B even confessing (as well as his DNA being found under her nails).

I had a lot of memories - all bad - from my childhood. I decided to get counselling after it affected pretty much all of my 20's. It helped me to sort certain memories out and it also dug up a few repressed ones. But it has made my existence a lot easier. I'm not "fixed" but it has stopped the memories from haunting me daily. It depends on how you are affected. If you are able to function without it having an effect then I'd say let it be. Counselling is not an easy option. It's hard work, exhausting, scary and you have to face up to who you are. So really if you feel you need to open your Pandora's box, then do it. But be prepared for some hard work.

@RubyRubyRubyRubyAaaaah
The part I remember vividly is not something horrendous to think of now, but would have been quite scary as a five year old. It’s the blurry parts around this memory that I’m thinking about. But I think it might just be fuzzy because it was so long ago. I’m sorry you had that experience - there’s a first hand reason not to go down that route. Thank you for sharing.

@greenberet
That’s sort of what I’m thinking - maybe if there is something there it’s better to be dealt with now while I’m in a good place, rather than risk something surfacing when I really could do without it. But I’m reluctant to disrupt my happy life and everybody else warning against it is something I’m definitely taking on board. I don’t have children yet, do you think that makes a difference?

This is just my theory but I think the brain doesn't repress bad memories as much as the shock and adrenaline we experience during bad events change and limit what we remember of them afterwards.

My siblings and I experienced and saw lots of bad things growing up. I have talked about a couple of events with one sibling who said those things happened to her too and went on to describe them. Now I'm not sure which are my memories and which are hers!

If you are worried op I would find a good counsellor and talk about anything that's bothering you. What you have remembered may well be all there is stored and any attempts to remember more will leave you more confused and anxious.

A (not very professional, it has to be said) therapist once told me I had the spectrum of mental health issues she'd expect in someone who'd been subjected to childhood sexual abuse.
I then did some reading around online and felt she was right.
I have no memories even vaguely like this and apart from my issues, nothing really fits.
I don't think about it often but when I do I feel very weird wondering if it's a possibility.
So I'd like to find out, but I don't trust regression therapy. I've heard too much about false memories.

@Tropicanallama I’m glad it was useful. There are some good points from people who say maybe it has surfaced because it is something you might need to “deal with”, but as for what that something is....don’t assume (or let anyone tell you) that it’s the worst case scenario. Or even that you can guess what it might be.

I would go very carefully with this. Some things we just don’t remember because they are humdrum and unimportant but if something is genuinely repressed it’s normally with good reason, usually because it is very powerful and painful.

I am a psychotherapist and so have also had extensive personal therapy. During my therapy I have (unexpectedly) recovered previously repressed memories. It was a long drawn out process and required working through the emotions I had not been able to express at the time with the support of my therapist. Ultimately it was cathartic but to have accelerated the process or to to do it on my own would have been overwhelming. I have also been in the position of working with clients who have gradually uncovered lost memories and experiences during therapy. It’s a very privileged position to be in but it can be hard work for the patient and the therapist and it’s a massive responsibility.

I would second the advice to find a good counsellor or therapist that you can trust. Don’t stir your unconscious mind up unless you have good support in therapy and at home.

@Nautiloid I just had to drop in with a perspective, if the therapist was not very professional, why do you believe what they said? Not to be deliberately obtuse...but the fact they said that may indicate they are not professional! And yet it’s stayed with you. Maybe it’s because it’s a “convenient” answer to the question of why you have MH problems. Maybe you wonder why you have MH problems, and maybe there are a host of reasons for that (which you may or may not want to look into) but just because it “seems like” that would be the cause, does not mean that is the cause!

I was abused as a child by my father. I have very patchy memories of two instances, although all of my memories from that time and earlier are patchy.

Over the last 10 years I’ve remembered other things that might suggest more occurred and earlier. Personally I’m leaving it alone. I don’t want to remember at more.

@Tropicanallama just to clarify, my work with the psychotherapist was around the “trauma” of others telling me to “admit” some terrible trauma.
Psychotherapist was the first person to support me in exploring that I was a bit upset about a run of the mill experience, which I hadn’t been able to express and this was compounded by “assumptions” others made.

I’m in the “recovering memories is a dangerous thing” camp. There are lots of reasons we might not remember something - trauma is one reason but not the only one. We simply don’t have enough capacity to store every single detail of every thing we’ve seen, done and witnessed.

If there is something there, experience tells me it’ll come back to you in its own time, when you’re able to understand and process the information. A good therapist might help with how you’re feeling just now but I’d avoid any process designed to help you recover old memories.

@Tropicanallama - I think it may be relevant - Something will more than likely have triggered this memory - whether it is a conversation you have had with someone else, maybe something you have seen on tv or if you are thinking about having children of your own.

It could be something very simple but the effect it had on you can have a long lasting impact - if you have ever seen how people develop phobias - some of which can seem totally unbelievable - like a fear of jelly - then you can see how easily things can get out of hand - you have to go back to the root of it all - to understand where it came from and see whether your reaction to it is justified.

I’m not a professional - I talk from personal experience and interest - I have done a course in hypnotherapy - my view is that everything that impacted on us quite severly is stored - good or bad - but it is only the negative stuff that wasn’t dealt with fully at the time that can have long term consequences.