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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think perhaps I'm a bit naive?

29 replies

Ribrabrob · 27/07/2019 21:50

Once I went on a date with somebody from Tinder. He'd missed his last train home so I offered to drop him in my car. He seemed hesitant and a little unsure but I persuaded him. At the time I thought absolutely nothing of doing this until afterwards I thought perhaps I was a bit silly as I barely knew the guy (although equally I guess he could have felt the same about me?). I'm also a bit of a night owl in general and will regularly walk home alone in the dark, go on a walk to the beach at 2am etc. I have never felt scared or vulnerable. I also once arranged a first date in someone's home who i did not know, although admittedly this is probably something I wouldn't do again.

Please note I completely understand the reasons why some women may feel vulnerable (previously assaulted etc) and I realise I am fortunate to feel the way that I do, so I'm absolutely not trying to minimise the way others may feel - just sharing the way I personally feel and wondering if maybe yes I am naive/stupid. I am quite fall/heavyset so maybe this contributes to the way I feel.

Aibu to be quite so relaxed? Am I naive for giving an unknown man a lift? Would you have?

OP posts:
Lanurk · 27/07/2019 22:43

I’d say you’re very trusting and whilst that’s not necessarily a bad thing, you should be more aware that there are sooooo many dodgy folk out there who would take advantage in a second.

Was there a second date?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 27/07/2019 23:55

I work in the criminal justice system. Please take care of yourself.

Divebar · 28/07/2019 00:24

He was hesitant because he was worried about you knowing where he lives. I think if you’re internet dating then you need to wise up a bit. Even if the plan is to get together for sex only ( and I’m not saying it is) you need to meet in a public place first in order to scope them out. You need to tell a friend where you’re going and send them a photo or name/number of the person you’re meeting. You need to text / call your friend when you’re safely home. That being said if you’d been out with the guy for a few hours and had good vibes from him I’d probably done the same with the lift ( caveat - I’m a police officer and any date would know that!)

Pipandmum · 28/07/2019 00:30

You may feel confident and safe but that doesn’t mean you are. Even if you were a man I’d say be cautious about walking in your own very late or in an isolated area. Most street crimes are opportunistic.
As for your date go on instinct - you were driving after all.

Sycamoretrees · 28/07/2019 00:35

Maybe the guy had deliberately missed his train home as he wanted to stay the night, and the hesitation from him about the lift was more to do with you dashing his hopes!

TyneTeas · 28/07/2019 00:39

Was about to post pretty much the same as Sycamore

Bravelurker · 28/07/2019 00:46

Hi Op, I'm exactly the same and I know that people think I'm ridiculously trusting but I will do my own risk assessment. If I didn't take the risks my life experiences would be a fraction of what they are. I keep myself relatively fit and I don't walk the streets at night with clompy heels or flimsy flip flops, it's important to know you can leg it if feeling threatened.

Tavannach · 28/07/2019 00:46

Maybe the guy had deliberately missed his train home as he wanted to stay the night, and the hesitation from him about the lift was more to do with you dashing his hopes!

Yeah, that's what I think.

Take care of yourself.

Bookworm4 · 28/07/2019 00:50

That’s not relaxed it’s stupid. You aren’t brave or safe; stop kidding yourself, no woman is this daft surely?

sneakypinky · 28/07/2019 01:05

Ah, missed his last train did he?

He was angling for a shag.

EileenAlanna · 28/07/2019 02:28

You sound very like me. I'm Belfast born & bred, lived there all through the "Troubles" & survived many a fatal situation. I'm not oblivious to the danger to me in some situations but I've had to learn how to deal with them. Instead of crying when I'd a gun to my head I argued my corner & wouldn't back down, even when my "own side " wanted to take a guy who'd kindly given me a lift home as retaliation or they'd shoot us both. Everyone has different experiences & live their lives according to them.

jeezerwheezer1974 · 28/07/2019 07:11

I went on a meet up/not quite a date thing, with a guy. We met in London and the plan was to go to the British Museum. I'd been chatting to him for about a year prior to this, and the understanding was that we were just putting faces to names and that was it. We had arranged to meet in Pret at London Bridge, and then after the meet and greet thing, we walked towards the underground. He had boozy breath (lunchtime), and then revealed he had driven and expected me to get in his car. He was astounded that I wouldn't and said 'it's not like I'm going to rape you in broad daylight, is it'. I stuck with my instincts and insisted on going by tube. He reluctantly travelled with me and the whole time was trying to come on to me, and found it hard to believe that I didn't fancy him. I wouldn't have been so trusting OP, but that's me.

herculepoirot2 · 28/07/2019 07:41

Not something I would do on a first date.

Itsmeeloise · 28/07/2019 07:50

I'm very untrusting. Either he was hoping for a shag or he had a wife and kids at home.

T0getherindreams · 28/07/2019 07:59

Nothing wrong with you OP.

The majority of people are afraid of their own shadow and wouldn't risk crossing the street unless the light on the crossing was green.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 28/07/2019 08:14

Our experiences shape us. If nothing bad happens to you it's easy to be in the mindset of "it only happens to other people" and find reasons why x,y,z situations don't apply to you and why YOU are safe.

Also,as you grow older the experiences of others close to you add to your risk assessment factors. Not just that but having kids for example or being faced with your own vulnerability/mortality will also affect how you looks at certain risks and whether they are actually worth it.

I know people who have been run over on zebra crossings, I don't take the piss out of them because they wait for a green light every single time.

I've done a lot of crazy/reckless shit in my lifetime. 99% of them had a good outcome and great experiences ,but there's no way I'd still be doing some of them now.

thetimekeeper · 28/07/2019 08:29

If nothing bad happens to you it's easy to be in the mindset of "it only happens to other people" and find reasons why x,y,z situations don't apply to you and why YOU are safe.

Yep.

Op, do you tell yourself things like "if I was attacked I'd scream/fight back"?

Is that what gives you the peace of mind to do some of these reckless things?

Because I've got to tell you that your brain is more likely to activate your freeze response if you were ever sexually assaulted, in which case you physically won't be able to fight or scream or run away.

The "deer in the headlights" of the animal frozen in fear and unable to run or do anything to save itself? Our brains do the same thing in response to threats - it's not just fight or flight, and you have no control over which option your brain activates.

So, yes, I think you're either desperately naive or you've convinced yourself the women who are attacked somehow deserved it and you are therefore safe.

Do you think women who have been attacked or assaulted brought it on themselves in some way? Or failed to do something that you think you do, or would do? "If somebody tried to do that to me I would have..."

The fact that nothing like that has ever happened to you is pure luck. Nothing more.

user1493413286 · 28/07/2019 08:31

I also think the missing the last train home was more about hoping you’d offer for him to stay.

msmith501 · 28/07/2019 08:39

Or he was married, had told his missus that he'd be staying overnight at a mates and was worried his wife might see him being dropped off...?

sivola · 28/07/2019 09:19

I'm a bit like you OP. And I didn't automatically think he deliberately missed the last train or had something to hide like a wife and kids. Eek. I really should have got that. Interesting, has given me food for thought.

HennyPennyHorror · 28/07/2019 09:22

He was hoping you'd ask him to stay at yours.

So yes, you're naive.

FinallyHere · 28/07/2019 10:43

I, too, never felt scared or vulnerable in my teens. I accepted lifts from strangers and didn't consider myself lucky for never having to face anything bad.

Many years later, I am much,much more careful. For myself and the people close to me, because I have a much better insight into the impact of something going wrong.

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2019 10:49

If you were naive you wouldn't have written your opening post.

You know you're taking risks and you're happy to do so.

So what is it you really want people to say?

velourvoyageur · 28/07/2019 11:29

OP, I used to be like you, then shit happened that I could have avoided by being more on the ball while the situation wasn't yet obviously dodgy, iyswim, if I'd been more sceptical and anticipated potential developments. I really don't think you're 'fortunate' to be naive - it's not keeping you safe, is it? So far you've been lucky, but often wariness and cynicism can really help you out.

velourvoyageur · 28/07/2019 11:32

There's a different between thinking theoretically and seeing real potential threat behind seemingly innocuous situations, behaviour etc though so don't think it's fair to imply OP is being disingenuous.