TRIGGER WARNING- sexual abuse

[mortifyingmouse]

I've NC for this. I don't know how to feel or what to think. My mind is completely fried.

Basically MIL rang me today about an incident which happened yesterday while we were visiting SIL's house.
My DS 7 has been accused of touching and licking his younger cousin's 'girl parts' (she's 3). After a lot of denying from DS he finally admitted to it. I feel sick! I'm mortified, and I feel like such a horrible mum!
DS told he helped her change her underwear after she went to the toilet and touched it as he was helping her pull her pants up. The licking he said he didn't know why he did but admitted her licked the very top of her leg right near her privates. Said cousin told him to stop which he did and carried on playing with the toy kitchen.

DS admitted what he did to his other cousin (the older sister) they didn't understand that it's wrong. She then spoke up and told her mum.

I'm worried and I've spoken to both DC to make sure that they have never been touched or anything as I'm unsure as to where he got the idea to do this from.

I have had a very serious word with DS, I don't know how to handle the situation. DP is away but returns tomorrow so he said he will speak to DS too. I've told DS how very wrong and serious it is doing what he done. I'm not defending him but I know he didn't do it in a malicious, sexual way. He knows nothing to my knowledge about anything like this. He's 7 years old!

So AIBU to be feeling like such a failure as a mum? Have I done something wrong? This is my little boy and I can barely look at him right now, I'm just ashamed of him at the moment in time.

I'd be very concerned about what your son has been exposed to, you need to have a very gentle conversation with him about has he ever seen anything like that before. Sexualised behaviour in young children often comes from abuse/exposure to pornography/witnessing adult sexual behaviour

I think I would ask social services for help and would consider very carefully whether there was a chance he’d been abused/exposed to inappropriate material.

Who other than yourself and school looks after your son? I would serioudly be considering what he had been watching.
Does he access any devices without you supervising? Any chance he accidentally clicked on a porn link left in history?

Be careful about what you say to him- you don't want to stop him talking, nor to put words in his mouth. It's worth talking to the NSPCC, they have experience in how to talk to children in these situations.

Thank you for the replies. He does go on YouTube but we know what he's watching. A lot of it is gaming videos which can be a cause I think. So we're taking extra care to see what he's watching. When we have decided he can anyway as we have banned it from him for now.
I'm very sensitively asked both DC if they have ever been touched or anything and told them the importance of telling me or their DF if they have. DD 100% would have said something so I don't think that's the case but that doesn't mean to say I'm not wary.
I'm a STHP so unless they're at school they're just with me.
What guts me too is as DS and DD are quite close in age they have both seen each other's private parts but I have always told them it's only for them, their own and not for anyone else to touch ever! And they have always kept their hands off each other as this has never ever been an issue before.

I just feel like a really bad mum, something so serious happening under my nose and not knowing how or why he thought to do such a thing. I feel like crying! No
Parent wants to ever feel this ashamed of their own DC yet here I am..

You needn’t be ashamed. I remember being caught on a friends bed at that age and he had pulled my trousers down a bit and looked at my bum. It was written off as curiosity. I would bet your DS has seen something and recreated it out of curiosity.

Your ds is only 7. Are you sure he wasnt just curious and being silly? I wouldn't be rushing to call this child abuse. I would be explaining to your ds, not in harsh tones, about what is appropriate and what is not.

No I know he didn't do anything intending to harm her. He knows nothing about anything to do with sex. I put the trigger warning on only as it could upset some people on here who have been abused.
I've spoken to him and he knows it's really wrong. MIL and SIL both know that he didn't do it to abuse her too. He just does some really stupid things sometimes. This was the worst. I doubt it will ever happen again.
Doesn't stop me feeling low about it though.

I would speak to the NSPCA for advice - they will be able to advise on how to speak to your son about this.

I wouldn't just dismiss it as curiosity but I'd also not rush to label him a sexual abuser either.

There's no chance he's seen sexual content online? More and more children are coming across porn at a very young age from things like dad watching it on the same device he then hands his kid to play games and watch YouTube on (often unsupervised too)

Which gaming videos and which youtubers is he watching? Sometimes the content creator is the inappropriate thing and not the game they play. I'm just asking because sometimes a YouTuber playing something like minecraft can still be totally inappropriate for a seven year old child. Pewdie Pie, jackscepticeye for example are inappropriate for seven years and pewdie recently uploaded minecraft videos and they both use a lot of sexual language.

Sexual content is in so many places that are so easy for children to access and they don't always know to tell an adult because they don't always understand what it is and that it's inappropriate for their age.

Also my mam believes that I'd one hundred per cent tell if if I'd been abused and she still diesnt know my Dads "friend" raped me when I was 12 despite her asking me if he'd ever touched me. I'm not saying her has been abused but that I wouldn't be lulled into a false sense of security that dd would have def disclosed.

It could all be genuine curiosity and a one off that'll never happen again or it could be a sign he's accessed inappropriate content or something more sinister.

I do not think you should be feeling ashamed about this.

The issue is............. is this simple curiosity and silly behaviour or is it possible that he has been exposed to something inappropriate to his age?

I am sure you will pursue every possible avenue for potential exposure that you can. But aside from that, it is very hard for you to know exactly how to approach this with your son - making a huge issue of it could backfire if it was a purely innocent act as it will make it loom large on his mind. I think the advice to take advice from NSPCC is a good one.

Learning about bodily intimacy is a slow and tortuous process, as it is the one area where demonstration is not a possibility. Children have a natural curiosity about everything and part of that involves touching things worms, beetles, flowers, etc. etc.- but in this instance it is taboo. So it might not necessarily be something that is of huge concern - he may not understand that he can explore some things but not others.

I can remember my little sister "pinging" my brother's penis and we all laughed it off; and a friend at school when I was about 5 wanted to take my knickers down to see if what I had was the same as hers. These are normal things not to be worried about.

I guess that the licking triggers something in adult brains that it simply might not in a child's - children do random silly things and hopefully this falls into this category.

I do think that it is important not to overplay this with your son; and it does sound as if you have talked to him in a very sensitive way.

Don't beat yourself up over this. As other posters have said, it could just be curiosity and silliness however I second the advice about ringing the NSPCC for advice. They are there to offer advice and support ie discussions with children, online safety etc. Someone on here mentioned minecraft. I was told by a friend that there is actually minecraft porn available on youtube. I haven't seen it myself and sounds a bit crazy but I have no reason to disbelieve her.

Please don't berate yourself over this.

I remember the boys next door asking to see my private parts as a girl (probably around 6/7). Kids are especially curious about the opposite gender because they have something different. When my daughter was born her older brothers were fascinated and it appalled me for a while except I realised that they were just intrigued. It's the touching which is odd and I totally get your concern. Do speak to the NSPCC for advice on how to broach it but I would try to avoid evoking too much shame in him. He should know it's wrong but also that curiosity is ok. Just that he has to keep his hands (and tongue) to himself!

You're not a bad mum!

Jez it is every person's worst nightmare.
You need to contact SS it is going to be very hard to deal with.
Please stress the importance of no touching.
Are the other parents calling the police.
There was a similar incident in a relatives family, it is awful.

Shes very young, I would think of curiosity if they were similar age, but this is concerning contact nspcc and get him some counselling.
Unfortunately this will have a massive impact on his life.

Firstly, STOP questioning everyone. Including your ds.

This has been copied from somewhere, he has seen this or has had it done to him. You need to get the specialist team in to question him, and you need to stop asking him about it.

You guys ALL need to give your collective a wobble.

FFS!

If this is real, it's a child, to a child licking another kids privates is like licking someones elbow. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing what so ever.

It's all of you who are projecting some sort of deviant sexual connotation on the issue.

I went to school with a kid who would delight in seeing how many Legos he could stuff up his bum at lunch time. He was six.

Get a grip.

Christ. No wonder the world is in the state it is. This kind of hysteria is why men no longer want to work with or have anything to do with children anymore.

Accusing a seven year old of being a hard-core porn addicted child abuser!

FFS!

If you read this, nothing that happened is developmentally abnormal or cause for concern. I would not go on about it being serious any more or he may develop a complex.
depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/TF-%20CBT/pages/3%20Psychoeducation/Child%20Sexual%20Behaviors/Sexual%20Behavior%20and%20Children.pdf

@T0getherindreams a relative abused me when he was a similar age. Touched me repeatedly when I was asleep, watched me through doors, put his hand down my pants whilst we were watching TV.
I am not saying this is Op's son but all children are different .So don't patronise people by generalising that no children of that age do it and should "give their heads a wobble"
Hope you're ok op and that things get sorted

Scar

She is talking about a child. A child cannot abuse another child. There is no sexual gratification between children.

So. Like I said. People need to give their heads a wobble.

@togetherindreams I disagree that children cannot sexually abuse other children, I'd say from the age of about 10/11/12 up (depending on the individual child) they probably are capable. But the child in the op is 7, and I agree definitely that this was not sexually motivated and to frame it as such is unfair on the child.

@mortifyingmouse It is not your fault and it is not your DS's fault. Neither of you set out for him to learn about this act. It really does sound like he's accidentally seen something online without looking for it. This isn't your fault. No parent thinks their child is capable of that. He is mimicking a sexual act without the sexual desire of an adult. It does sound like accidental exposure, like a dodgy porn add popped up or something. It could also be that perhaps another child at school really has been purposefully exposed to porn (through an older sibling) and has shown videos to friends, who are not sexually interested but curious or your DS and his other friends saw it, didn't think anything, but he did remember the act, without having a sexually charged context for it.

@mortifyingmouse I can imagine how mortified you feel and that's very normal to question your parenting. It's really not your fault and you have been doing the best you can to not let something like this happen to your DC. I suspect it's something you had no control over, like another child having been exposed to porn.

At 7 I really wouldn't worry about it. It's just daft kids doing daft stuff. At 7 they know girls and boys are different and he is probably curious. May have heard older kids discussing sex in the way they do, probably at school and wondered what would happen if he tried some of what he has heard.

Has he had the PANTS talk at school? Ds has just had it (he's 5). There are resources online from the NSPCC to help you discuss this with him.

FFS!
I give up!

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

The kid is 7!

7!