TRIGGER WARNING- sexual abuse

[mortifyingmouse]

I've NC for this. I don't know how to feel or what to think. My mind is completely fried.

Basically MIL rang me today about an incident which happened yesterday while we were visiting SIL's house.
My DS 7 has been accused of touching and licking his younger cousin's 'girl parts' (she's 3). After a lot of denying from DS he finally admitted to it. I feel sick! I'm mortified, and I feel like such a horrible mum!
DS told he helped her change her underwear after she went to the toilet and touched it as he was helping her pull her pants up. The licking he said he didn't know why he did but admitted her licked the very top of her leg right near her privates. Said cousin told him to stop which he did and carried on playing with the toy kitchen.

DS admitted what he did to his other cousin (the older sister) they didn't understand that it's wrong. She then spoke up and told her mum.

I'm worried and I've spoken to both DC to make sure that they have never been touched or anything as I'm unsure as to where he got the idea to do this from.

I have had a very serious word with DS, I don't know how to handle the situation. DP is away but returns tomorrow so he said he will speak to DS too. I've told DS how very wrong and serious it is doing what he done. I'm not defending him but I know he didn't do it in a malicious, sexual way. He knows nothing to my knowledge about anything like this. He's 7 years old!

So AIBU to be feeling like such a failure as a mum? Have I done something wrong? This is my little boy and I can barely look at him right now, I'm just ashamed of him at the moment in time.

@T0getherindreams in no way was I implying it's sexual abuse. I put the trigger warning on as it can upset some posters on here who have been abused. Also I couldn't really word it any other way to be honest. If DS was older and knew about sex it would be completely different but I was concerned about the issue which happened in general

@mortifyingmouse Did you ask him where he saw it or got the idea from?

I think rather than take the opinions and advice from people on a forum who think they know everything about everything, contact NSPCC for some confidential advice from someone who trained to give it.

Then gather your thoughts and take it from there x

Together don't give up there are some of us who agree with you.
I also think there's a massive overreaction by many posters - your son did a silly thing OP but if this is an isolated incident it really isn't evidence that he's either an abuser or that he has been abused.

To be honest OP I'd be worried it is not a case of he is only 7.
I think it is minimizing to say it.
She is only 3, it isn't like to asked to see her parts, he brought her to bathroom claiming to help, he not only looked with touched her with his mouth.
He knows it is wrong, you've discussed people touching each other inappropriately, how nobody is to touch him inappropriately.
Other family members will see it as sexual abuse, he will not to be trusted by the adults anymore.

I wonder how many posters would see it as something silly if a 7 year old brought your 3 yo DD to the bathroom under the guise of helping.
I know it is not your fault OP, I'd be livid if I was the 3yo mum.
Kids especially cousins shouldn't be left alone unsupervised.
My cousin although 12 abused 3 girls under 10 in our family, my Dad felt so guilty as he said he always felt off about our cousin.
I was the youngest 7 he was 12, I was the last as I told my big sister.

He does go on YouTube but we know what he's watching. A lot of it is gaming videos which can be a cause I think. So we're taking extra care to see what he's watching. When we have decided he can anyway as we have banned it from him for now.

7 year olds shouldn’t be on YouTube. Never mind watching gaming videos. There’s all sorts of shit on there.

What guts me too is as DS and DD are quite close in age they have both seen each other's private parts but I have always told them it's only for them, their own and not for anyone else to touch ever!

That’s a confusing message.

He knows nothing about anything to do with sex.

At 7, that’s quite worrying. They should learn about sex progressively in an age appropriate way.

I was wondering for you OP and for the other parents here, is there also a concern to not make him fearful of particular acts that could have a negative effect on his relationships when he is older and age appropriate?

OP, I second ringing NSPCC for advice on how to approach this.

To give you a different perspective, I think you should feel happy (not quite the right word) that your DS was happy to admit this to you. So many kids keep these things to themselves.

When I was younger, I had a boy my age do things to me. I was 6. I didn't know it was that wrong but I knew it was wrong enough to hide it. I never told anyone. As a result, I became highly sexualised from a young age. It wasn't until I was 22 that I was learning about abuse when someone said 'alot of cases are children abusing other children'. It all clicked then.

They said that in those cases both parties are given counselling. They are both treated like victims. Because the abuser has obviously been exposed to something they shouldn't have been and that's not their fault.

I can look back now and I'm pretty sure it wasn't that kids fault. He had obviously been exposed to something that he shouldn't have. I'd venture porn. Then curiosity took over.

Perhaps this is the case with your son? He may have seen something somewhere? Have you asked him about it? It could simply be odd curiosity. I think you have done the right thing to reiterate that it's not right to touch other people without consent and it's not right to touch people in that area.

I think you're handling this wonderfully. From your description your boy sounds like he was just curious. So you did right to talk to him about it and explain why he should never do it. You are absolutely doing the best you can and your worry about this shines through your post.

You are not a terrible mum. You have done the right thing. I hope you can manage to find some peace with this. Again, NSPCC would give some great advice I reckon, just to cover all bases.

I think you should feel happy (not quite the right word) that your DS was happy to admit this to you. So many kids keep these things to themselves
He didn't admit it, the little girl told her DM and he was questioned a few times before he admitted it.
Would it happen again if the little girl didn't tell, could it become a habit between them, which would certainly messed them up eventually.
I am glad the 3 yo knew it was wrong and spoke up.

www.independent.ie/irish-news/alleged-attack-on-girl-5-lured-to-shed-may-have-been-a-copycat-38323641.html
@T0getherindreams

Ah sorry misread that @EmeraldShamrock

Quite a few parts of my post still stand.

In a professional capacity (as in poloce/teaching/counselling), both children would be treated as victims. They would both be given counselling.

The mum here has done plenty right in telling her son this wasn't acceptable behaviour. She should ring the NSPCC for further advice on how to tackle this.

Of course it was.

Lets have this seven year old locked up!

He's clearly a monster.

Glad there are people like you around. The world needs to know how dangerous little children can be. We need to protect the children from the abusers. Men. Women. And now other children too.

Cant have little children going about licking eachother, far too deviant and dangerous. Perhaps the child needs to be arrested, put into a child paedophile unit, he needs "re-education" obviously. Is the Death Penalty appropriate you think? Or should that be reserved for the ones who play tag? I mean the very thought of little boys running around chasing little girls, it's tantamount to kidnapping, what if one of them brushes another ones chest? Clearly trying to cop a feel. Might only be five but you cant be too careful can you!

Cant have little children going about licking eachother, far too deviant and dangerous. Perhaps the child needs to be arrested, put into a child paedophile unit, he needs "re-education" obviously. Is the Death Penalty appropriate you think?
He needs to talk to a professional.
He knew it was wrong, he refused to admit it, it wasn't a game of I'll show you mine if you show yours.
He brought her to the bathroom, he pulled up her pants, touch her, licked her, not her elbow he bent to lick her, he knew this was wrong, then he denies it.

Most 7 yo have some concept of sex, how babies are made.
OP has said they had the chat before he is aware of inappropriate touching, he removed her from her sister to do this.

@T0getherindreams ...Serious question.
Would you think like that if it was your 3 year old DD touched inappropriately by her 7yo male cousin in her own home?

People are going too far at either ends of the spectrum on this. Nobody knows enough to decide whether it was totally innocent and harmless, or whether it was completely sinister.

That's why OP would be sensible to contact the NSPCC. They can advise her on how to establish whether or not her son has been exposed to something harmful or inappropriate. They can also help her talk to him about this in a way that teaches him that it was inappropriate, without giving him anxiety about it.

It may have been a child's idle curiosity and nothing more, but there are enough elements which strike a note of concern to suggest that it's worth OP taking steps to make sure her son is protected, and that he isn't behaving inappropriately to anyone else.

The concerning things here’s are these:-

1. You have said your DS is close in age to your DD. But he has behaved this way towards a much younger child.

1. Why was he helping her change her pants?

1. The licking! I can understand touching out of curiosity, but licking is a strange things for a 7 year old to do.

This is something to be concerned about and I would speak to SS about it.

And I completely disagree with @T0getherindreams

Speak are reacting in an appropriate way to this. Children can abuse other children. That’s not uncommon. Usually where they have been abused themselves or exposed to sexual behaviour elsewhere.

You need to give you head a wobble pet

I’m sure you’re reaction would be different if your 3 year old DD was licked in this way. And if not, you’re a danger to your child to treat it as being nothing.

** people are reacting in an appropriate way

No. I don't need to give anything a wobble.

Pet.

No. I don't need to give anything a wobble
You really do, there is a big difference bringing a much younger child to the bathroom, removing her pants touching her, there is no comparison to playing tag or even curiosity in similar age children.

I think you need a proportionate reaction here for both your DS and also for the little girl. Both children will grow in to adults and if it were me I would want to know I had dealt with it appropriately. Thinking your DS has no sexual understanding is naive. At that age children will know a few basics and I would expect him to know that what he did was wrong. Remember that at 10 he will reach the age of criminal responsibility. However, that doesn't mean he should be locked up as a sexual predator. Both children need specialist interviewing and counselling. SS or NSPCC will also be able to recommend appropriate services for your DS. It can scary to invite services in to your life but this is no time to sweep things under the carpet (I'm not saying you are but a lot of people do).

@T0getherindreams

Funny that it was only days ago you were quick to tell an OP to contact the Police and that she had been sexually assaulted... when her DP squeezed her boobs

Yet a child behaving in this way is totally fine and nothing more than curiosity.

Cop yourself on.

He'll have seen porn on a device. At home or school or at a friend's home.

He does go on YouTube but we know what he's watching. A lot of it is gaming videos which can be a cause

Your first post indicated that your child has been exposed to pornography and your follow up post does seem to confirm this.

You appear to be leaving your 7 year old to access content online unsupervised (if you aren't there every second, you don't know what's popping up) and must never, ever do this again.

It is almost certain that he has seen this behaviour in "tainted" seemingly innocent online content and unfortunately you will need to access special services in order to undo the psychological damage and prevent him perpetrating further incidents of harm upon other children.

In the mean time, please never again allow your child unsupervised - and I mean you choose the item and watch every second with the - access to youtube and the wider internet again.

I hope all the DC involved get the right help.