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Original poster

How can I handle this better? Child refusing food.

49 replies

TealRocks · 27/07/2019 11:11

I have my nephews staying with us this weekend. DH and I have a 10 month old. Just to clarify, there is no way that their parents can pick them up early because they are abroad.

Middle nephew is 6, he is a fussy eater and totally refuses all fruit and vegetables. Other 2 nephews eat anything. BIL & SIL will cook for nephew separately to what the family are eating, so if they have Cottage Pie middle Nephew will be given nuggets and chips. They don’t really force or encourage trying other food as it results in tantrums. They will however ask him to eat the food on the plate, to the point where some family meal times just get centred around him.

Nephew has school dinners at school and teachers report that he eats what is given there.

In the past when Nephews have stayed over I have always cooked meals that I know nephew will eat but leave the vegetables in a bowl on the table for people to add to their plate. So Nephew isn’t served on his plate anything he does not like.
Middle Nephew also likes Craze (or Crave? not sure of the name) cereal but I do not have any because we only eat porridge/ Weetabix. However Nephew will eat Weetabix with some sugar on top, so again, there is something he likes for breakfast.

This has worked fine and I have never had any tantrums or problems with my Nephew in the time he has stayed here regarding food. However this weekend is not going well Confused

Dinner last night was breaded fish and chips, nephew has eaten this 100 times before. Carrots and peas went in a bowl in the middle of the table. Nephew refused to eat anything. I explained that I am not going to force him to eat but that in this house we only eat fruit and vegetables between meals if we are hungry. He had a strop at the table which we ignored and afterwards all the children had an ice lolly including him as I just don’t want to make food an issue.

Later he cried because he was hungry and I caved and made him a cheese sandwich because I didn’t want him going to bed hungry.

This morning his brothers asked for crumpets and he said he wanted one too so I made him one. He refused to eat it and sat at the table with his arms folded. His brothers started doing what there parents do “Nephew, what’s wrong, you need to eat ect” So I asked them to stop and said “Nephew will eat what he wants when he is ready” so everyone was ignoring the situation and talking about something else. Nephew burst out into a massive tantrum, said he wanted Weetabix. Made the Weetabix, I let his brothers get down from the table. Nephew ate 2 spoons of Weetabix and said he was done.

Now he is complaining he is hungry and wants his lunch now but I have said he must wait until everyone else has lunch.

Can anyone advise me here because I don’t know if I am being too harsh or if I need to be tougher with this. It is hard when it is not your child.

OP posts:
Dandelion1993 · 27/07/2019 11:15

In our house its eat what's given or you wait until the next meal.

He can wait. He's 6 and needs to just get on with it.

Sirzy · 27/07/2019 11:17

Your trying to fix a problem that isn’t your problem to fix.

I would give lunch an hour early. Don’t make a stress where you don’t need to.

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 27/07/2019 11:19

I don't think you are being harsh. He doesn't ask to have food on demand at school. He can wait

reetgood · 27/07/2019 11:19

Sounds like you’re handling it fine tbh! Not getting caught up in power struggles is a smart move, trying to not make a big deal of it, offering food you know he’s likely to eat but not allowing it to become placating/ pandering. The principle is you offer the food, they decide when and how much to eat..

Lazypuppy · 27/07/2019 11:20

He is in your house, he has to abide by your rules.

You are already being accomodating.

He is obviously used to having a tantrum and getting his own way at home

Lockheart · 27/07/2019 11:22

You've offered food you know he eats, if he doesn't eat it it's his choice. I think you're handling it fine. Perhaps if he is hungry at lunch he'll eat what he's given!

WhenZogateSuperworm · 27/07/2019 11:22

He won’t starve in a weekend. Make it a non issue so there is no power play.

Food is served, left on the table for 30 minutes then cleared away. He either eats it or he doesn’t.

TulipsTwoLips · 27/07/2019 11:24

I think you’re doing a great job.

raspberryk · 27/07/2019 11:25

I see nothing wrong in how you're handling this, it's how I was brought up and it's how I bring mine up.

Only thing I do different is strictly no alternatives and I'll keep stuff if it's completely uneaten and of they're hungry they get the response of "the lunch you didn't eat is in the fridge if you want it"

Soubriquet · 27/07/2019 11:27

Yep

He has obviously been pandered to more since the last visit

So reinstate your own rules

He eats what he’s given, or no food.

I mean at bed time I would give him toast or something like it just to fill his stomach at night but the rest of the day, he waits like everyone else

cocomelon23 · 27/07/2019 11:27

You're doing exactly as I would do. Good luck!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/07/2019 11:29

You are handling it like a pro. Not engaging him, not letting him be the focus - just "here it is, eat if you are hungry".

He is not going to starve over the weekend, and if he complains to his parents, then you gave him food choices. His choice was not to eat.
Don't back down!

Jemima232 · 27/07/2019 11:30

I wouldn't have made him the cheese sandwich yesterday evening TBH.

Just serve him the food you want him to eat and do not discuss it. Do not allow any discussions about his food, either. Just close all comments down and change the subject.

If he doesn't eat anything, too bad. Don't cave in and give him something else later on.

If he eats his school dinners he can eat what is put in front of him at home.

FenellaMaxwell · 27/07/2019 11:31

I would just say “it’s fine if you don’t want to eat it, but there’s nothing else until lunch”, and then leave the plate out for him without comment until everyone else has finished eating.

BlueSuffragette · 27/07/2019 11:32

You sound like you are doing really well. Best of luck. Flowers

donkir · 27/07/2019 11:32

Providing there's no SEN then he'd get what he was given. If he doesn't eat it then he goes hungry. Being hungry won't kill him. Don't give h cheese sandwiches as he's then won the battle. He's fussy because his parents have pandered to him. He's already proven he'll eat anything at school so he can do it at home too.

PanamaPattie · 27/07/2019 11:34

You’re doing the best thing. Put the food on the table. Remove after 30 mins. No pandering. No snacks. He won’t starve.

FrancisCrawford · 27/07/2019 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

campion · 27/07/2019 11:40

Your other nephews need to wind their necks in first of all. It's not up to them to 'discipline' him.

There may be a number of reasons why he has issues around food including sensory processing difficulties. Sounds like mealtimes aren't the happiest occasions for him.
Plus he's six and might just be missing his parents?

gotthefaceon · 27/07/2019 11:53

I think maybe you are handling it like a parent. He's not your child, he's a very very little house guest who may be missing his mum and dad. I would make him a cheese sandwich or a biscuit or whatever he would eat when he is hungry. I'd think it's ok to be extra kind and indulge him. He's away from parents for the weekend

gotthefaceon · 27/07/2019 11:54

Also I think "in this house we...." Could make a little kid feel homesick.

KurriKurri · 27/07/2019 11:55

I think you are doing fine also - I think giving him a cheese sandwich is Ok actually because I wouldn't want him going to bed empty either.
if he only eats cheese sandwiches while he is with you he will be fine and won;t starve.
the only thing I would make sure of is that heis drinking enough as the weather is so hot - we get quite a lot of liquid and therefore hydration from our food so as long as he's having a bit extra to drink he'll be fine. If he eats cereal I presume he drinks milk / He'd get a reasonable amount of nutrients from a glass of milk for breakfast i he won;t eat the cereal or crumpets.
just be very laid back - here's dinner this is what it is, you don;t want it - fine - but this is what is on offer.

If you are serving fruit as snacks, you could maybe chop up a few fruits into slices put them on a communal plate and tell the boys to help themselves - that way he has less chance to complain about being given an individual thing and immediately ask for something different - he can take some slices of fruit or not and there is no attention on what he is actually having put on his plate.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 27/07/2019 11:59

He’s trying to manipulate you same as his parents. Stick to meal times - feeding him in between will exacerbate the issue as he wont then be hungry when you want him to eat.

The only exception would be a plain snack before bed if he’s hungry. No nonsense or messing if he doesn’t eat it. He won’t starve over a weekend but, as at school, if he knows his shenanigans won’t work at totes, he’ll stop the power games.

MRex · 27/07/2019 12:05

I'd probably have saved the leftover weetabix and offered that or the crumpet reheated for him. So he gets one or at most two chances to say what he wants in a meal. That food is the food that's available (along with fruit, carrot sticks etc) until the next meal. Then ask him "I can make X, Y or Z; which will you want?" and repeat.

ElstreeViaduct · 27/07/2019 12:07

OP you're doing the right thing. It's not your job to "fix" him.

I might be inclined to make it ok to have a piece of bread with his meal next time, to defuse things a bit.

It is highly relevant that this a child with a known eating problem who is only staying for a weekend. Saying stuff like he's spoilt because his parents pander to him, or he won't starve "assuming no SEN" is well-meant but missing the point that different rules apply with this child, for a reason. Success is not measured in how much "pandering" OP avoids this weekend, it's measured in how things improve with him over the next 5 or 10 years. Keeping pressure off is probably more productive in the long game.

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