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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can I handle this better? Child refusing food.

49 replies

TealRocks · 27/07/2019 11:11

I have my nephews staying with us this weekend. DH and I have a 10 month old. Just to clarify, there is no way that their parents can pick them up early because they are abroad.

Middle nephew is 6, he is a fussy eater and totally refuses all fruit and vegetables. Other 2 nephews eat anything. BIL & SIL will cook for nephew separately to what the family are eating, so if they have Cottage Pie middle Nephew will be given nuggets and chips. They don’t really force or encourage trying other food as it results in tantrums. They will however ask him to eat the food on the plate, to the point where some family meal times just get centred around him.

Nephew has school dinners at school and teachers report that he eats what is given there.

In the past when Nephews have stayed over I have always cooked meals that I know nephew will eat but leave the vegetables in a bowl on the table for people to add to their plate. So Nephew isn’t served on his plate anything he does not like.
Middle Nephew also likes Craze (or Crave? not sure of the name) cereal but I do not have any because we only eat porridge/ Weetabix. However Nephew will eat Weetabix with some sugar on top, so again, there is something he likes for breakfast.

This has worked fine and I have never had any tantrums or problems with my Nephew in the time he has stayed here regarding food. However this weekend is not going well

Dinner last night was breaded fish and chips, nephew has eaten this 100 times before. Carrots and peas went in a bowl in the middle of the table. Nephew refused to eat anything. I explained that I am not going to force him to eat but that in this house we only eat fruit and vegetables between meals if we are hungry. He had a strop at the table which we ignored and afterwards all the children had an ice lolly including him as I just don’t want to make food an issue.

Later he cried because he was hungry and I caved and made him a cheese sandwich because I didn’t want him going to bed hungry.

This morning his brothers asked for crumpets and he said he wanted one too so I made him one. He refused to eat it and sat at the table with his arms folded. His brothers started doing what there parents do “Nephew, what’s wrong, you need to eat ect” So I asked them to stop and said “Nephew will eat what he wants when he is ready” so everyone was ignoring the situation and talking about something else. Nephew burst out into a massive tantrum, said he wanted Weetabix. Made the Weetabix, I let his brothers get down from the table. Nephew ate 2 spoons of Weetabix and said he was done.

Now he is complaining he is hungry and wants his lunch now but I have said he must wait until everyone else has lunch.

Can anyone advise me here because I don’t know if I am being too harsh or if I need to be tougher with this. It is hard when it is not your child.

OP posts:

weltenbummler · 27/07/2019 12:09

sounds like he has made "being a fussy eater" his thing to gain attention at home. asking for food and then refusing to eat it, sitting with his arms folded and expecting you to pander to him, is a powergame. I think you are being very accommodating by cooking food that you know he has eaten and liked in the past and I think you are handling it very well, not letting his decisions to eat or not eat become the centre of attention. As PP have said, he might feel hungry if he refuses to eat while staying at yours but he won't come to harm. Keep uneaten food in fridge and tell him its fine ot go and get it when he complains he is hungry inbetween meals.

Daffodils07 · 27/07/2019 12:10

Yep you have given him food you know he likes, so I would make him wait.
I dont agree with making children eat things they hate, but you havent done that and imo he is trying it on.

ElstreeViaduct · 27/07/2019 12:24

Incidentally if it is all getting a bit stressy, you could give them a "picky tea" / bits and bobs in front of the TV instead of a sit down meal, and leave them to it. It's a big treat in our house, pudding and main on the same plate and they can eat it in any order. He might eat a lot better without you watching and if he is used to getting snacks, it might scratch that itch.

stucknoue · 27/07/2019 12:34

I would save his food and offer again if he's hungry. I'm guessing that there's actually deeper issues. Have fruit and chopped carrots available to help himself too perhaps.

MiniMum97 · 27/07/2019 12:40

Stop being accommodating and giving him mixed messages. And don't force him to eat.

Just be clear in your house you only have the option of the food provided at mealtimes and then fruit and veg outside mealtimes. You are getting fuss and tantrums because you keep giving in.

It decide it's not your problem and him whatever.

gotthefaceon · 27/07/2019 12:45

Yes a snack table/tray (with a film?!) vegetable sticks, chopped fruit, crackers, popcorn, bread sticks, cheese, dry cereal, mini sandwiches, whatever you can put together. Might seem like fun and is very low effort for you.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/07/2019 12:49

It isn’t your problem to fix, I’d just give and buy him what he wants, and also give him food when he wants as well.

My children have set meals, but they are growing boys and exceptionally physically active, so they eat when they are hungry.

ColaFreezePop · 27/07/2019 12:59

OP you are doing fine.

One of my DNs was like this as a 6 year old. His mother's instructions to all family and friends was to do exactly what you are doing.

He soon learnt that except in restaurants where he could choose his meal like everyone else does and apart from at home with his parents, he was to eat what everyone else was eating. Now as a 20-something year old he's into healthy eating and a very good cook.

Derbee · 27/07/2019 13:00

Sounds like you’re handling it well. As long as the food he asked for/started and then refused is left out on the table for him to access if he wants to, I don’t see a problem.

yesteaandawineplease · 27/07/2019 13:04

I agree with a pp there's likely to be bigger issues at play. (for example it may be a learned way of getting attention as he has younger siblings) and that it's not your battle.

If it were me I'd want my dn to have fun and not make it stressful however I'd be reluctant to 'give in'. try sympathising with him "i bet you are hungry, you didn't eat much breakfast. it's a little early for lunch but perhaps we could start making it. what do you fancy?" ask him to help. might get him more interested. show him positive attention doing something good.

pp saying picky bits with a telly picnic is a great idea as a treat.

during the meal carry on not making an issue. in an even time response to any moaning. "just leave the bits you don't like" "you don't have to eat it" "there's nothing else just not though I'm afraid"

think you have the right idea but are getting a bit stressed with it. hope some of the above helps.

Oysterbabe · 27/07/2019 13:05

If it's not my kid I'd just give them anything they want, whatever results in peace and quiet. It isn't my battle to fight.

yesteaandawineplease · 27/07/2019 13:07

*just now

HauntedPencil · 27/07/2019 13:08

I don't think you are doing anything wrong but they are only with you for the weekend so he isn't going to starve I'd just carry on doing what you are doing. I'd also have given him a cheese sandwich.

Original poster

TealRocks · 27/07/2019 13:15

Thanks so much for all the advice.

DH and I suspect that the food thing could be a play for attention. Nephews older brother gets a lot of attention from parents through a competitive sport he plays and the younger brother is the baby so gets the attention from that. Middle Nephew dominates parent’s attention at meal times.

Anyway we let the boys eat lunch in the living room today in front of the TV and DH & I ate in the kitchen with our baby. Middle Nephew ate everything given with no fuss!

Dinner is chicken fajitas (Nephew definitely eats this) and I will do what I usually do when he is here and cook the chicken separately to the onions and peppers and serve them in separate bowls. Salad in a separate bowl for people to help themselves, no pressure.

OP posts:

Karigan195 · 27/07/2019 13:16

He’ll eat if he’s hungry enough and rarely do kids end up starving due to being made to wait.

Rule in this house is you eat what everyone eats. There’s a range usually of things on the plate e.g lasagna will come with garlic bread, salad, cucumber, tomato etc. If you don’t like one bit you’re expected to eat the rest. If you don’t then only snacks until next meal is one slice of plain buttered toast or fruit. That’s it. No second breakfasts or whole other meals made.

There are a couple of things you can do to minimise the fuss. Perhaps get him to suggest a meal with main and two sides but if he then doesn’t want it afterall tough. Have it written down so you don’t have the old I didn’t ask for that argument.

Otherwise ignore every bit of good fuss as it’s just feeding the attention.

JaniceBattersby · 27/07/2019 13:18

I agree with the others who said it’s not your problem to fix. He’s little, he’s away from his parents and God knows how he feels. I’d give him whatever it took to keep him happy and then hand him over for his parents to deal with it.

I have fussy kids. They’ll grow out of it. I don’t worry about it.

ElstreeViaduct · 27/07/2019 13:21

I think you're doing fine OP. I'd want to leave my child with an aunty who gave in to the cheese sandwich. If you offer him bread at the dinner table you might even be able to avoid that too.

3luckystars · 27/07/2019 13:24

It might be the textures.

Just let him have wheetabix or whatever he wants for the whole weekend. He has enough stress with his parents away, just give him a break. Good luck.

ChicCroissant · 27/07/2019 13:34

I would just give him plain food that he likes if he doesn't want the meal, toast or weetabix - living on that for a weekend won't kill him. Don't force him to eat (you are doing the right thing there) but he's not going to be happy if he's hungry. Don't make an issue of it, breeze through and continue to stop the siblings making an issue of it. The cheese sandwich was fine IMO.

As PP have said, it's not your issue to fix so it's not for you to tackle. It's not always about being fussy, there are children who will simply not eat if they don't like the food (I have one!).

kateandme · 27/07/2019 13:43

not pandering to him per say but maybe also try and get him to expand on his feelings.so when hes in tantrum this is obviously how he is getting attention at home.rightly or wrongly this is how ome kids are.an judging by how when his borthe rstopped asking/caring for him regards to his food he went off one one because he sudenly felt alone and not attented to.yes this isnt right but its how hes been now.so he needs to be asked and given attnetion but not in the way he has been.so asking him how hes feeling.is their somethign upsetting him.blah blah otherwsie this will only contniue and he might use food more (disorder) or turn to other things.
but your doing fine.im just trying to think of how to stop the cycle of this happening otherwsie your just laying down the law on he wont understand why his usual means of getting help or attention isnt working and it might spiral.
also the fact he is eating at school shows it isnt about the food but about how he reacts and gets attention or other to do with his emotions.

Pagwatch · 27/07/2019 13:48

You’re doing fine
I’d genuinely try not to worry about it too much because that will just up everyone’s tension.
It’s obviously not about the food - the crying because he’s hungry is obviously bollocks . No one gets weepy from missing one meal

As others have said, it’s not your problem to fix so do whatever seems reasonable to you

kateandme · 27/07/2019 13:52

just read your update.this is actually really sad for him.
could you maybe do something to make him feel a bit special.

BarbedBloom · 27/07/2019 13:59

I think you are handling it fine. I have texture issues and ended up under a consultant as a child as I would only eat four or five things and if given anything else I would starve. They tried various things but in the end the advise was just to avoid making food a battle. If i ate it, fine, if not take it away without fuss and then offer something small I would eat later that evening e.g a sandwich or toast.

It sounds like there are issues going on here, especially after your update and it isn't up to you to fix them, especially in a weekend. The only slight adjustment I would make is if you are doing snacks offer something other than fruit or veg that he will eat, for example one weetabix or a piece of toast or bit of cheese.

Yabbers · 27/07/2019 14:50

I’d have given him what he wanted. He’s with you for a few days and all it does when you try to force your food rules on him is make it miserable for everyone. You clearly think your way is better than what his parents do, but he’s their child and it’s up to them how they deal with it. His brothers might enjoy mealtimes without drama. Or you can stick to the “my house my food rules” nonsense and fight with him at every mealtime.

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