Confused elderly relative being nasty to teenager

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Mil is mid-80s and...complicated.
She’s normally an interested and supportive grandma. I’ve just sent her photos of dd (15) taking part in an activity of which she is normally interested and supportive. The response I’ve got has described my daughter as gormless, careless, lazy and clumsy. (Quite unfounded.)
Dd is currently on a residential trip participating in this activity and will want to see granny as soon as she gets back as granny is normally a big fan. I feel heartbroken.
Granny is known to have outbursts like this, often motivated by guilt or jealousy. (She brought up two of her other grandchildren. I have a suspicion someone has commented on them not having the same opportunities or being as resilient to stick at an activity to provoke this.)
How would you react?

If this is out of character is there a chance it could be the start of Alzheimer's?

Early dementia? Could explain the unpleasantness

I would tell DD that DG is being rude & we wont be going to see her.

How is she confused?

Vascular dementia, although in the early stages.

If you hadn't said she had form for this, I'd have been thinking about dementia.

However, as she is given to this kind of nastiness, and your DD will want to see her when she gets back, I'd be having a firm word with Granny before then. Is her behaviour usually ignored, or would pulling her up on it potentially backfire and just make her worse?

I would reply and ask exactly why she feels that’s acceptable to talk about her granddaughter that way.

If you say she’s prone to outbursts like this then I’d call her on it rather than make excuses such as possible early dementia

Definitely normally ignored. A few female relatives have been on the receiving end of it over the years.

What happens if you point out to her that she is being mean grandma?

OP has already confirmed that she has vascular dementia @AuchAyeTheNo.

I work with older adults with dementia. Honestly OP I wouldn't talk with your MiL about this. It's not uncommon for people with early stage dementia to display personality changes like the one you describe OP. Confronting her about it won't change anything sadly. If I were you I'd be explaining to your daughter not to take any similar comments personally. Dementia is a very cruel disease.

At the time an apology, then months of slagging off whoever challenged her to all and sundry and excluding them from family events. Her sons will not participate in this challenging. It’s dils/grand-dils or nieces that cop it!

Bet she's dehydrated at present. That worsens dementia symptoms even without just generally feeling like crap/grumpy as hell.

My best mate's nan (same age/diagnosis) is being very much the same: they've had to find a lidded cup she's actually prepared to drink from this week, as she's refusing to use the one she already has and is getting more and more dehydrated and rude.

The OP has confirmed that Granny has dementia, and she has also confirmed that Granny has a history of this nastiness which seems to pre-date the dementia.

Yeah, I'd be having a word with Granny, and letting her know that she is to say nothing unpleasant to her DGD who loves her and values her support.

Dehydration definitely could well be a factor. They live 90 minutes away, but I can ask her local son to pop in tomorrow.

Vascular dementia is not an excuse, it's a cruel illness that changes a person's personality in the worst way, making them mean, cruel, sometimes verbally or physically abusive. Normally those closest to them bear the brunt of it. It makes the sweetest people into cruel, horrible tyrants.
Oh course it still feels hurtful, I feel like lack of understanding displayed by other family members isn't helpful as they are playing up to the drama rather then seeing this as behaviour of an ill person.
Good point about dehydration btw, it's worth addressing. Small things can really have a huge effect on behaviour of dementia sufferers.
Sorry no great advice really, just and and. It's a horrible situation all around for you and your DD

And yes, the nastiness could flare up when she was younger/fitter too.

Although it used to be reserved for female in-laws, not people she considered “hers”

Don’t confront her- she’s unlikely even to remember what she wrote and why if she has Vascular Dementia. My experience of a similar aged relative and her dementia and Altzheimer’s is that actually these sorts of reactions are part of the early symptoms ( being accused of stealing money and being angry and emotional / having unprovoked outbursts are too). You need to prepare your children and yourself by educating yourself about the illness and try to understand these behaviours as part of the illness. I also found that the illness would often exacerbate greatly traits/ behaviours that were there before but usually under control. The Altzheimer’s Society has a lot of good stuff on their website and have story books about the issue, if you have younger relatives that need age-appropriate information. It is a very hard illness for relatives too so sending 💐to you.

DCs great grandad is similar. DD1 was told she looks manly and to stop eating buscuits. I keep visits short, pulling him up on it is pointless, but DC are prewarned to take no notice and are aware its likely to get worse as he gets older. He has come out with some corkers. I have assured DD its daft and we have a laugh about it after

Wavingnotdrown1ng Great post and very sensible advice.

OP Dementia of any kind is a terrible illness and hard for families to cope with changes in behaviour. Sadly, it gets harder and harder as the illness progresses from personal experience in our family.

If DD is a sensitive soul I would try to protect her from hearing about further negative comments as much as possible. At 15 she will have exams coming up next year and needs to be free to concentrate on these as much as she needs to.

At the same time she needs to learn more about the illness and how it influences the behaviour of the sufferer. She can then hopefully avoid taking criticism personally. The more information she has about the progression of Vascular Dementia the better. If being targeted for criticism continues and does become a real problem then she may need help to be in a position to distance herself from Grandma without guilt.

I was late teens when my DG became ill, but younger sisters who were still doing exams at school found it extremely stressful.

Try to get her checked for a UTI as well. They can send people off the charts.

My mother has mixed dementia. She was always pretty nasty, but for the last few years before her diagnosis she was absolutely unspeakably awful.

Have a frank talk with your DD about dementia and elderly people with it behaving inappropriately. Make sure she understands that her nan may say ugly (and untrue) things without thinking. Then leave it up to DD to decide what relationship she may want to have going forward.

As far as talking to Nan, would there be a point? Is she likely (or even able) to change? It's only going to get worse going forward so it may just be time to buckle up for the bumpy ride to come.

Dementia is such a cruel disease. My mum and her late sister both had/have it. Mum is an angel, she's just off in LaLaLand and doesn't know who we are, but she's not unhappy. Auntie turned mean, very mean, and was hitting my cousin and telling her to 'go away'. You have no way of knowing how your loved one will be affected.

There will be no reason or reasoning to this. As the dementia carries on, you must take steps to protect yourselves from the emotional and possibly physical abuse. It’s a vile disease. From experience, the most upsetting part for everyone is when they realise there is something wrong but they are frightened as to what. Once they don’t realise there’s anything wrong they are more at peace and the nastier behaviours stop. As others have said, infections, particularly of the urinary tract or dehydration can make things must worse temporarily.

My DGM was particularly vile in the early stages of dementia.
She loved to see DS (2 at the time) but couldn't understand why I was there with him. I got told I wasn't family.
It got very bad when she had a uti.
My DCs didn't see her for the last 9 months of her life, it was too hard for them.
Your DD is old enough to understand the extreme personality changes that happen with Vascular dementia, but it is also up to you to prepare and protect her. I wouldn't tell her what was written, and if GM is doing better when she gets back then DD can tell her all about it then.

Honestly the best thing to do is tell your DD gently that Gran is not well and therefore talks bollocks, and she mustn't take it seriously. The dementia is going to get worse, but understanding that Gran can't really help it and 'doesn't really mean it' makes it easier to shrug off.

Please dont go down the route of "having a firm word", firm words dont fix brain damage. Do talk to your dd (and read up yourself) about dementia and personality changes. My dad went from being a rather difficult and miserable man to being utterly horrendous and lashing out with Alzheimers. My mother was literally about to start divorcing him when he got his diagnosis. These days he's a sweet and cuddly albeit confused version of his former self. We know this won't last either. It's just one more stage on his gradual decline.

If your MiL has been supportive to your dd in the past then please explain to her that this is the time that granny needs her support. This support means accepting the reality of her illness and keeping in touch whilst possible - and ultimately protecting herself emotionally as things progress.