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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Intervening when another woman is being told to smile

53 replies

Goostacean · 26/07/2019 17:52

Just walking home from my tube commute and mulling over what I should have done differently just now: two guys at London Bridge, one of whom was bothering a lady waiting on the other side of the double doors I was standing by. The classic "smile darling. Why not? Come on. Ah one day you'll smile"- not just harassment, but lazy, unimaginative, stupid (isn't it all?) harassment.

She just kept her eyes to the floor and made little shakes with her head, whilst I listened very closely- was just about to say something when he stopped. I gave him an absolute unflinching stare straight in his eyes when he looked at me, and was DARING him in my head to say something (pregnant, ready to rage at the slightest thing!) but then he walked off.

AIBU to regret not saying something? What should I have said? I spent too long thinking and not enough time not-letting-people-get-away-with-shit.

OP posts:
Buttons4me · 26/07/2019 19:17

I hate people who say smile - cheer up etc I used to get this a lot as a teenager many years ago I had a pretty miserable life as a teenager and I didn't want to smile.

RockyRolly · 26/07/2019 19:23

OP dont say anything. You're pregnant, it's not worth it. There was a case recently where a man just had to say something to a man blocking the aisle on the train - he then got stabbed 18 times and died in his son's arms. Don't risk it.

PirateWeasel · 26/07/2019 19:34

@chihuahuamummy1 ..... BOOM! 👊Oh I wish I was that quick! I always think of something brilliant to say hours after the event!

MmmBlowholes · 26/07/2019 19:35

Tbh I'm afraid of retaliation so I don't tend to interfere.

Duck90 · 26/07/2019 19:41

The, usually old, me who have said it to have never been a beaming ray of light themselves. What gives these miserable asses the right to impose themselves/observations on a person who is minding their own business?

Original poster
Goostacean · 26/07/2019 19:58

I agree about safety, but that didn't worry me at rush hour on a central London platform. Can't get pushed off it either- they've got the doors. Maybe I'm being naive/foolhardy.

Hopefully the recipient of the comments has forgotten about it quicker than I have! What's that saying? About regretting the things you don't do, more than the things you do do...

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 26/07/2019 20:01

He might have known her? Or they might have just had a row?

I’m the sort of person who would say something if the lady was being harassed, but I would have taken her away from the situation instead. But I’m also the sort of person to put my foot in it 🙈 “one day you’ll smile” sounds personal imo as though they knew each other?

BrokenWing · 26/07/2019 20:01

Many years ago standing outside ICU having first cigarettes in 5 years, staring into space, mind miles away, some bloke said to me cheer up, might never happen.

I looked at him and told him, my mum is in icu, they've said she won't make it through the night 😢, dad and dsis were in with her, family were on road driving from 100s of miles away to say final goodbyes. He was obviously suffering from severefootinthemouthitis as he followed up with, I'm sure she'll pull through 😮. Swore at him, 🤬asked him where he got his medical degree and stormed off in tears with him shouting sorry, but it might still be ok 😡

Thankfully, after a tough 3 days, she turned a corner and miraculously pulled through. Drs were amazed. But every time some stranger says to me to smile or cheer up I go straight back to that night and they usually get short shrift.

RiddleyW · 26/07/2019 20:08

It’s a tough one isn’t it? Personally I think you dealt with it perfectly.

Someone (quite pissed young woman as it happens!) once really intervened in a very loud aggressive way when a man called me an ugly cunt on a train. I think she thought she was doing the right thing and I’m sure she’s actually really kind and also I admired her bravery.

BUT actually it was awful, it changed a shitty but very fast interaction with a horrible man into a prolonged huge row. I was terrified he was going to punch her which I’d have felt responsible for.

DrPeppersPhD · 26/07/2019 20:13

I've never had a "cheer up darlin' it might never happen", but I did get a cheer from a tube carriage once after I shouted "cunt" after some guy who barged through about 15 people and knocked a little old lady flying, can I join the witty retort club?

BloodyDisgrace · 26/07/2019 20:15

You've done well! Your stare unsettled him. Excellent! Maybe next time he'll be wary to try it agin on someone else.
I am quite unhinged so wouldn't shy away from verbal confrontation, and did say some things in the past.

whoami24601 · 26/07/2019 20:20

'Cheer up love, it might never happen' 'it already has- I'm talking to you' usually shuts them up pretty fast with Confused expression Grin

Original poster
Goostacean · 26/07/2019 20:30

No, they definitely didn't know her. In hindsight it was odd, like he was just on autopilot... "lone woman, not grinning like a Cheshire Cat, must comment". Ridiculous.

OP posts:
LegionOfDoom · 26/07/2019 20:32

A creepy dad did this to me once when picking my twins up from nursery. Myself and a few of the other mums found him a little strange as he would stare a lot and never actually spoke to anyone. Until one day he said to me as I was leaving, ‘smile darling you’ll look so much prettier’. If looks could kill! We’d just buried my grandmother and I’d come straight from the crematoria to pick the kids up.

Time40 · 27/07/2019 01:28

I have never understood why men say this. Why do you all think they do? What on earth is the point of it?

Topseyt · 27/07/2019 01:46

People like him are just utter twats. Unfortunately, there can seem to be a surplus of them sometimes.

I think your reaction was all that was required. It worked.

FagashJackie · 27/07/2019 02:03

I was telling my 20yo dd about going to sit next to some girls on the last train when a man was harassing them. I just sat next to the girls, the man gave me a barrage of abuse for it.

My dd said if a man speaks to her like that that she shouts really loudly, I am twelve years old.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/07/2019 04:55

I've had the cheer up love it, nothing is that bad...
I was just going to my mums funeral... I told him.... His face was a picture... Grin

It's just sexist shit.... Men are never cat called like this.

PapayaCoconut · 27/07/2019 05:17

I have never understood why men say this. Why do you all think they do? What on earth is the point of it?

I'd be tempted to ask them. But I suspect they'd get defensive and pull the "relax, I was just trying to be friendly"- card. 🙄

KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2019 05:34

I have found that it is often men who think it is ok to act like you have described, have no issue turning really, nasty really quickly.

mathanxiety · 27/07/2019 05:40

He might have known her? Or they might have just had a row?
God bless your naivete, VenusTiger

Why do you all think they do? What on earth is the point of it?
[Time40]
This happens when inadequate men feel the need to establish who owns the public space outside of women's front doors.
YYY to 'It's sexist shit'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2019 05:50

My 15 yo response to "might never happen" was "it just did"'with a stony stare.

I loved being a goth.

Satterthwaite · 27/07/2019 06:00

"Fuck off, twat" is a favourite of mine Grin

crazycurry · 27/07/2019 09:48

My response to 'smile darling' - oh yeah, my goldfish/dog/whatever just died and I'm being irritated by a dick' usually stops them.

Time40 · 29/07/2019 03:14

This happens when inadequate men feel the need to establish who owns the public space outside of women's front doors

Ownership and control of public space? You know what, I think you're dead right - that's brilliant, actually. I've always wondered about this, and I think I have the answer now!