AIBU - bereaved friend?

[jennymanara]

One of my friends husbands died over 4 years ago. I don't expect her to be "over it", I know that she will still be grieving.
But I am getting fed up of her. Over four years later she is still as self centred as when her husband died and still makes everything about her. I understood this when her husband had more recently died, but now I think she is just being selfish. When I told her my cousin who I was close to had died, she just grunted and changed the conversation. I understand that bereavement is hard for her to talk about, but she didn't even say basic platitudes of how sorry she was for my loss, etc.
I am at the stage where I really am fed up and no longer want to spend much time with her. She just feels like a self centred sponge who just sees other people as individuals who can support her.
But then other times I just feel like I am being horrible and unsympathetic.
So AIBU to be fed up of her?

I mean yeah YABU to dictate how long someone is bothered by the death of their husband.

But I dont think death turns people into selfish twats so perhaps that's just her personality and you're wrongly mixing up with the death of her husband?

Two separate issues maybe?

You don't sounds like a great friend no. Grief is a lifelong condition for the person who lost someone. My advice would be to back away as it doesn't sound like you like her sufficiently or really want to help.
If she has upset you regarding your cousin or on other things, point these things out in the general course of conversation as that's how normal friends communicate with each other. If you can't do that you aren't really friends, so don't lose sleep about your feelings towards her.
And by the way, four years is nothing.

No she was not selfish before. And yes bereavement does often make someone self centred I get that. But for this long??
And I explicitly said I know she will still be grieving.

Maybe she always was self centred and you didn’t notice.

You don’t have to stay friends just because she was bereaved. Some friendships don’t last the course.

I lost my husband suddenly when my kids were small. I still miss him every day but I can behave like a normal human being. I think your friend must need counselling if it has affected her so much her personality has changed. Shit happens but you get on with life.

Yes I have wondered Matilda if her husband tempered any self centredness in the past so it was not as obvious.

@cornforthwhite I am older, my husband is still alive, but I have suffered multiple bereavements and seen others doing so.

@pipandmum Yes I expect her to miss him still and we talk about him often. And I expect anniversaries to be hard. But I also think at this stage she should not always be thinking only about herself all the time. I do understand that grief often makes people selfish. But I do think generally there is a time limit for this.

She sounds a bit stuck in a 'dependent' rut. Always turning the conversation to her issues/her bereavement doesn't sound a great place for her to be.

I'm sure you are being kind and understanding, but I can see how this would be frustrating, for everything to be so one-way. One day you or another friend may well be looking to her for similar support, after all; bereavement happens to all of us sooner or later.

Not sure I would know how to approach it though, or indeed, if there is anything you can do though, beyond perhaps asking her gently how she is doing (which she may already be telling you before you ask, anyway).

@jennymanara a similar thing happened in my family where an uncle died and his wife became the same as your friend. She made absolutely every event about herself and her loss but bizarrely if the event involved her immediate family (for example her grandchildren's first holy communions) then she would be absolutely fine. She was absolutely draining and it got to a stage where you just didn't feel sympathy anymore.

What is it she’s doing / saying (or not doing and saying) that you think is selfish?

If you wish to stay friends on some level, “boundaries’ could help, eg changing the subject if she’s talked for herself for a long time.

She’s grieving. There’s no book or to do list.

Your grief doesn’t become more important than hers.

You sound like a terrible, judgemental friend.

Grief makes you selfish?

Are you fucking joking me? People are in bits, trying to function and locking their wounds. Again - why the competition?

It's perfectly fine for her to still be grieving.

However I'd expect a good friend to be sympathetic to your own grief.

I'm still very very much grieving for my Mum, or rather have only just started properly two years on. When my best friend lost her dad suddenly in February I tried to be there for her and offer support without being intrusive.

It was more that I understood how awful it is and wanted to support her rather than it bringing up tough memories for me (it did, but she didn't need to know that).

People grieve differently, I totally get that, but lack of acknowledgement about you grieving is a bit off.

The rest of it, I think YABU.

So after more than 4 years I should just accept that every meet up is all about her and her needs and issues?

Nope.

But if you’re an actual friend, give her a break. It’s no time at all.

Do you mean that she mainly talks about herself and her problems rather than other topics or things or concern to you?

YANBU to be pissed off if so.

You are coming across has heartless OP.
Is she depressed? What’s her life like now, has she been left with children to take care of?

I mean it is clear she only thinks about herself and no one else.

@nosauce Maybe I am heartless?
Her day-to-day life on a practical level is easier than mine. No kids, does not have to work.

Op isn't coming across as heartless at all!

If you don’t feel like you can support her then back off. But 4 years isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things where the loss of your husband is concerned. Maybe you need some time away from her for yourself?

So I should just be her constant supporter and it should continue to be one way? For how long?

People change with grief OP. You don’t feel like she’s supporting you but maybe she can’t or doesn’t want to. You can talk to her if you think she’d listen or move on but you can’t make her be what she doesn’t want to be.

I think YANBU. You would think that her experience of grief would make her more sympathetic to you when you are bereaved. It sounds like you have been a supportive friend for a long time and it's a shame she hasn't been able to support you in your loss too.