AIBU - bereaved friend?

[jennymanara]

One of my friends husbands died over 4 years ago. I don't expect her to be "over it", I know that she will still be grieving.
But I am getting fed up of her. Over four years later she is still as self centred as when her husband died and still makes everything about her. I understood this when her husband had more recently died, but now I think she is just being selfish. When I told her my cousin who I was close to had died, she just grunted and changed the conversation. I understand that bereavement is hard for her to talk about, but she didn't even say basic platitudes of how sorry she was for my loss, etc.
I am at the stage where I really am fed up and no longer want to spend much time with her. She just feels like a self centred sponge who just sees other people as individuals who can support her.
But then other times I just feel like I am being horrible and unsympathetic.
So AIBU to be fed up of her?

I am not even asking for her support. Just a human acknowledgement. Instead it as if she is the only person that ever has a hard time.

Tricky. I would continue to be her friend but perhaps a bit less so now, and be thankful for any other friends who have been there for you.

YABU. People change with grief. My dd died in January and I am horrible to be around. I never go to meet ups with friends and don’t really care how they are (although i do ask and behave normally over text). I don’t ever expect anyone to understand the pain I will go through for the rest of my life (as will your friend). Mentioning your cousin you would expect more sympathy, however perhaps it was a trigger for your friend and she wanted to move past it quickly so she didn’t get emotional...

@Robs20 I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm sure the grief is ready acute. If in 4 years time you are still feeling it so raw and are still horrible to be around I would think you needed some kind of counselling. You never get over the death of over one but in a healthy situation you do learn to live with it and not let it impact everything you do.

I think you should distance yourself from her OP. She is grieving, yes, but that doesn't mean you have to be her sounding board. Friendship is a two way thing and this sounds very one sided. If someone shows no interest in your life and doesn't offer any support or words of comfort in hard times but expects you to be there for them to lean on then they you are not their friend, you're their counsellor.

OP - you are NOT being heartless.
My Mum died 14 years ago to cancer aged 59.
My Dad died suddenly last year of a heart attack.
I adored them both and I'm still grieving.
My friend lost her Mum recently and I supported her even though she kept saying 'you've not long lost your Dad, I feel terrible leaning on you' - we shared grief, hers was the early days; sorting practical things. My grief had moved on so I was a step further in terms of practical arrangements - we helped each other.
I'm sorry for your friends husband and for your cousin. Grief is unique in terms of the individual relationship you had with that person but should be universal in supporting each other.
And you're right - nobody gets 'over it' - you learn to live your life around it and maybe your friend needs more specific counselling to help her

I found that after my daughter died, I reached a point where I had a choice to make. I could either let my grief destroy me and make me bitter and selfish, or I could choose to use my own pain to make me better able to see other people's suffering. I could choose to live my life, to love, to look forward, or I could just wait for it to pass and feel sorry for myself. It was a bloody hard choice though, to be honest.

I also think that widows are often seen as "poor souls" and in need of all sorts of help and support- I would think that being treated that way for long enough could have an effect on how someone sees themselves. If you value your friendship then you could gently try to find out if she is being selfish or just barely hanging on- does she have other people to confide in, or just you? Is there something smallish that you could occasionally ask for her help or advice with? It's easy after such a huge loss for literally everything to become about the loss, and I used to really relish a chance to do something which gave me some time away from it, however momentary.

Wise words @DontDribbleOnTheCarpet very brave of you.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet - for you - very true x

@MyOtherProfile - slight x post - ditto

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable tbh. I am not saying that you friend should just get over it but there is a balance to be struck. She can't just write off your grief because hers is harder or whatever.

That has to be very hard to deal with when she is asking/expecting so much from you
Maybe back away a bit for while and see how she reacts or if she even notices. Look after yourself OP

OP you say she has no kids and doesn't work. Do you think maybe she's just lonely and has nothing else to talk about?

Being with only her husband, and then being alone with no day-to-day socialisation must be really hard.

Does she have many friends?

Maybe you should encourage her to get out and socialise more?

I should just accept that every meet up is all about her and her needs and issues?
You shouldn't tolerate this from anyone - bereaved or not.

Just a suggestion. If you value her friendship, perhaps spending time with her doing an activity or learning a new skill would help her move on a bit? I am thinking of a class in cooking, flower arranging, gardening etc. if you are focused on the activity and learning it might lighten the mood and move her away from dwelling on her loss.

Grief never really goes away, you just learn to live with it.

Does she or could she get a pet? I wouldn't have said that early on but after 4 years she may be ready and it can ease that empty feeling.

You have been a good friend to support her thus far.

YANBU the friendship sounds toxic and one-sided.
There is only so much support you can give before you start to wear yourself down. You need to be selfish too. Do you see a future for yourself in a friendship with her?

She is obviously still grieving and it would be nice if you can still support her. But you may be unable to do that for her anymore- you have given a lot of yourself.

I recommend that you be honest with her, give her a chance to change. She may not realize what shes turned into. Explain that you needed support when your cousin died and you don't want to have a one-sided relationship.

It is out of order she didn't support you. She may get angry and defensive etc but it will work out if its meant to, she's still hurting.

Has your friend had bereavement counselling? My GP arranged this for me (on the NHS) when I was widowed.

I was very upset when friends saw me coming down the street & avoided me - all I wanted was to say hello & talk about the weather/price of spuds/how is your child/ etc

Do stick with her; you might be the only friend she has, but try to steer her towards getting help.

It sounds to me that if she has no children to support and no need to work she is likely extremely lonely and bored, which inevitably leads to depression. If she also hasn't had the right counselling in place it might feel as fresh as it did in the immediate aftermath of his death.
Coffees with friends, clubs and other things that make her look busy to others can be hugely misleading in how the bereaved person genuinely perceives their situation.
The loss of a spouse is also massive impact socially when most things like holidays, dinner parties, socialising at the golf/tennis club are done as couples.
I'm saying this from not understanding the situation personally, but from having a very close relationship with my mother, who 5 years on, cries most times I speak with her as she has no one else to show her true feelings to.
She is brilliant to her friends and while many of them know how hurt she still feels, I would say none are prepared to offer her any support with her grief now, as in their minds a prolonged period of time has past.
She will tell me of conversations she has with friends, pictures she is sent of others on holiday as couples, little genuinely nice things that people do to include and help her that actually revive her grief. She tells me as I'm her only child and she has no one else to share her sadness with. She is in no way selfish and would do anything for me, but do I find it wearing and similar to the behaviour you mention of your friend where things return to her own grief and situation.
I imagine that this behaviour is more apparent with the loss of a spouse as that's who the bereaved person would mull over their inner most thoughts with - the bits of grief that don't go away even to the people 'coping well'.
If you have become that person to your friend and you don't want to be that person then move on. It's a difficult role to fulfil and remain positive about. But perhaps before you jack in the towel you could gently ask her a few things and properly listen to her answers. From there you might be able to suggest pointers. Counselling is the best course of action. Thankfully my mum has had a few sessions recently. I'm hopeful she'll have more.
However from your posts you sound like you've made the decision to move on from her and the friendship, and if you're already in that place I doubt there is much coming back and it is best for you both to keep walking away.

YANBU

I'm a widow. Grief is awful, but after four years one should be able to at least function like a human being, even if you're still sad inside at times.
I have daughters. I couldn't just stop caring about anyone but myself. I could still care about and listen to friends problems, even while my husband was dying. I never behaved like this women, even four weeks after my loss.

Either she's psychologically stuck and needs professional help, or she's milking this. I'm not saying she shouldn't grieve still, but she doesn't have to be entirely selfish.