To think going no contact/low contact doesn’t do anything

[OhNeverWasEver]

Whenever someone has been horrible towards someone else. The advice given is to cut off contact with this person. I feel like this advice doesn’t really do much.

You may have cut off this person but they aren’t really bothered and don’t particularly care that you’re not speaking to them.

They get to carry on with their lives as normal without a care in the world and never suffer any consequences other than having you not speak to them (which isn’t even that bad because they most likely don’t care anyway).

What prompted this thread is the fact that my parents were/are emotionally and physically abusive. I was bullied by certain people in school and I know from their social media they have long forgotten about me and are happily living their lives.

I feel like I struggled at the hands of other people and it’s affected me for years. I went through multiple sessions of counselling, went through depression and struggled emotionally for many years because of what they did to me but my way to get back is to go no contact?

So I stop speaking to my parents and then what? I’ll still struggle emotionally and they’ll eventually forget that I even existed and carry on happily. They aren’t even bothered that they made me feel bad. Same with what happened to my former school bullies. I doubt either one of them care that I don’t speak to them anymore.

I think going no contact has to be for your benefit, not to punish them. As you say, you have no control over them and whether or not they regret their actions, so this being your goal would be pointless. All you can do is try to live the best life you can, which means limiting contact with toxic people.

Yes, it's for you to move on and heal, not punishment. You can't punish people for being arseholes, I'm afraid.

School bullies are really different to your parents though. You weren’t important to school bullies (and they’re probably not bullies now; they may even have a different interpretation of the situation to yours) I take it you’re more important to your parents!

But as others said NC is because you cant control other people’s behaviour, only your own

@Passthecherrycoke how can they have a different interpretation of the situation if it was all one sided? They knew what they were doing was wrong and mean because we were all 16-18 years old. That’s old enough to know better and I’m not that old now, I’m still in my early twenties and know those people are all the same today. They know that they were bullies.

I have a friend who thinks she was bullied by mutual friends at sixth form- they don’t remember who she is and no one else can recall any behaviour like bullying. It happens

@Passthecherrycake I think you’re saying that because you’re trying to stand up for your mutual friends. I get it but I don’t think it’s fair for you to discredit someone else’s experiences just because you didn’t witness it yourself. There are a lot of situations that happened in school that I wasn’t even aware of and if someone says they were bullied, I would never deny their experience happened because I didn’t see it for myself.

When I meet anyone from school, no one knows that I was bullied apart from people who were involved in the issue. Trust me, those girls know that they bullied me but I also know they would deny it if asked.

Everyone who went to school with us has the impression that I was friends with the people that I’m saying were bullying me. They would be as surprised as you to hear me mention that I was bullied so badly. Sometimes you can’t see a situation from the outside. Especially when girls are involved as it isn’t so obvious even to mutual friends.

Fair enough, it was just an example. Still, they’re not your parents are they?

Cutting off the toxic people in your life is for you.

Your removing yourself from being available to them to bully.

It’s not a punishment to them, it’s a safety for you. You’re taking control of what is under your control.

School bullies do have an odd view of school life, mine tried to friend me on Facebook, it was like they had an entirely different experience to me! I ignored them, they are all sad about having left school and it was the best time of their lives apparently!

Once you’re away from the people who mistreat you, you can seek help and begin healing and be happy.

I’m very very low contact with my parents as they need a punchbag. I decided I’m not going to be it anymore. Best decision ever for me.

I don’t care how they feel or whether they remember me or not. I’m taking care of myself.

As PP have said, it’s not to punish them, it’s to protect yourself and get away from a toxic relationship.

I appreciate going low/no contact with family is a big deal. But surely the first thing to do is remove your former bullies from your social media! And don’t go back to look them up. Remove, block, ignore.

Family is of course much harder to deal with. But I think it starts with accepting that you can’t change them, and that the only thing you can change is yourself by taking yourself out of a damaging situation.

My counsellor said 'it is for your own protection' - it is, like a boundary, so they can't get to you. It is a relief.

I'm in what I would say is low stress contact with my dad - we speak regularly but I hardly see him. It's because I find seeing him incredibly hard. It's a long way to go but.more importantly it brings home again what he did, not especially to me more to my mum though I was there, that we will never talk about. He's 87 and nothing will ever change.

I feel reasonably at peace with this. That's all I wanted, peace and not to have his actions through my childhood present in my mind all the time.

I think what you are saying is it doesn't change them. That is true, but it is more about accepting you can't change them and realising what you can change is how you respond?

I get this too from others, 'they won't change' as if you are trying to get them to? Or thinking you are angry and trying to punish them. Others often don't get it. It's not about changing them it is about changing how you react.

I cut my SIL off for 5 years because she wouldn't stop bullying my daughter and I had enough. Why on earth would I stay in touch to allow her to do any more damage just because she was jealous of my in laws only grand daughter?

After 5 years I am civil but keep my distance. She's a lonely woman with no friends and I am only civil with low contact because it keeps the peace within the family but everything is done on mine and Dh's terms. When she starts her nonsense she knows we leave. She'll never apologise for her behaviour and it will never change. So low contact is the best way to go.

It's literally to protect yourself. I went no contact with my dgm. I could not deal with her nastiness. It may have punished her, it may not but it was the right thing to do.

I cut someone out of my life but I did it for my own mental health. Having them in my life was not good for me, they kept making me upset and angry. How they took it was not my concern or why I did it. You need to stop looking at it as a form of 'punishment', it isn't.

Also, you know you were bullied, ignore anyone who tries to tell you different.

As everyone has said, you are not going NC/LC to punish your parents, you are doing it to protect yourself. I went NC with my brother after he wrote me a dreadful letter. It broke my heart, but if that was really what he thought of me, why would I want to stay in contact? After I got over the shock, I realised that it was actually a relief, as I no longer had to worry about his reaction if I said no to him. I miss the person I thought he was, but I don't miss the person he really is.

Removing someone from your life is not about them. It’s about you.

Ever heard the phrase “living well is the best revenge”? It’s true. You cannot force people to repent, if they are not sorry nor even aware (as in they admit it) of what they did to you and the effects it has had then what is the point in sitting and waiting for them suddenly to realise?

To be able to go no contact with someone I do think you need to have reached a stage where you are ready to move on, it sounds like you’re not there yet OP. Can you look at talk therapy again to deal with the thoughts you’re still having. Resentment and bitterness has no effect on the other person, only you. It is only you who is trapped in the mental anguish of going over and over and over the past.

Going NC is essential for some people to move on but I do think you need to continue counselling or therapy to get to that place.
Good luck

I went NC with my parents because what they were saying and doing re childhood abuse was extremely invaliding and was having a profoundly damaging effect on me. They blew up my whole world because on the whole other than that we had a great relationship or so I thought. As I got more distance though I could see there was a lifetime pattern of invalidation and selfish behaviour and the time apart has been really useful in allowing me to unpick what it was really like growing up. It is not easy being NC. I still love my parents. I feel sorry for them. But there is something profoundly wrong with them that has made them the way the are and I cannot change them so I just stay away. I know that going NC has had a profound effect on them, they idealised themselves as pillars of the community and ideal parents and I am not going to lie part of me was relieved it had an impact for a time. But it never changed their course of action they are still in regular contact with the abuser so going NC is ultimately definitely about saving myself from my parents behaviour.

Oh and one thing had a profound effect of me was someone randomly taking about bearing a grudge in another context. Bearing means that you are the one doing all the work while the other person gets on with it. If you can stop bearing the grudge you are the one who will be better off not the person who is the target of the grudge who often couldn’t care less.

You're still in a victim mentality. "They did this to me, they did that, they should be punished, it isn't fair." Learn to put yourself first, love yourself first. You are the most important person in your life and you are enough. What they did to you does not take away from the awesome human being that you are. You were awesome then and you're awesome now.

NC helps to move on. It takes care of "Out of sight" so you can get to a place of "out of mind". You can stop telling yourself these sad stories about your past. You are here now and your future is way more important than your past.

Recommend the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, if you've not already read it.

I'm NC with my DM and to reiterate what everyone else has said, it's not a punishment, it's a way of protecting yourself.

It sounds like you want your parents and your bullies to think about you and the way they have made you feel. You mention several times about them being able to carry on with their lives as if you don't exist. What they did to you has had more of an impact on you than it has on them. Unfortunately you can't control that, but you CAN control their affect on you going forward by going NC.

Going NC is about putting a stop to their behaviour towards you. It's about stopping them from being part of your life so you're able to carry on without their negative impact on you for the future, and you can work on the negative impact they've already made on you up to that point. Going NC with my DM wasn't easy, but my life and the way I feel is improved by it because I no longer have a toxic person in it.

As above - it gets rid of the negativity in your life. You no longer have to worry what their next trick will be or second guess their motives or put up with their toxic behaviour. Its not a punishment. Its a way to protect yourself.

I went nc with my parents. I still wanted my parents to realise and apologise . I got in touch with my mum many years later after my dad died and she reminded me immediately why I wanted her out my life I have never wanted anything from her since. It took that call to realise I was much happier on my own.... Nc is banded about on Mn a lot it really isn’t an easy option . I do believe we all crave that love and understanding from our own parents

Dh & I went no contact with MIL, she is a fruit loop and thinks she gave her children the best life you could give when in reality they all say they were abused and saw things no child should ever see!

I tried to build a relationship with the woman for the sake of the DC but she was just vile, it was all about her and what she wanted and if she didn't get that she would stop speaking to us for months on end!

We finally went NC with her over a year ago and even though its shit & it would be lovely for her to be a normal person and have a relationship with her son & GC its been the most peaceful year iv had with DH since we got together!!