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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think going no contact/low contact doesn’t do anything

44 replies

OhNeverWasEver · 26/07/2019 03:39

Whenever someone has been horrible towards someone else. The advice given is to cut off contact with this person. I feel like this advice doesn’t really do much.

You may have cut off this person but they aren’t really bothered and don’t particularly care that you’re not speaking to them.

They get to carry on with their lives as normal without a care in the world and never suffer any consequences other than having you not speak to them (which isn’t even that bad because they most likely don’t care anyway).

What prompted this thread is the fact that my parents were/are emotionally and physically abusive. I was bullied by certain people in school and I know from their social media they have long forgotten about me and are happily living their lives.

I feel like I struggled at the hands of other people and it’s affected me for years. I went through multiple sessions of counselling, went through depression and struggled emotionally for many years because of what they did to me but my way to get back is to go no contact?

So I stop speaking to my parents and then what? I’ll still struggle emotionally and they’ll eventually forget that I even existed and carry on happily. They aren’t even bothered that they made me feel bad. Same with what happened to my former school bullies. I doubt either one of them care that I don’t speak to them anymore.

OP posts:

munemema · 26/07/2019 08:39

Going NC isn't a punishment for them, it's to free you to get on with your life without all the nonsense.

user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 08:41

Maybe OP is confusing it with the silent treatment which in itself is a punishment. My mum used to do this to me as a child.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_treatment

Sirzy · 26/07/2019 08:43

I went no contact with a relative. He may not have changed but that is no longer my problem. It’s been years now and I don’t feel anything towards him at all now.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 08:59

Going no contact with my parents has improved my life massively.

I don't have mum emotionally depending on me

I dint have either of them involving me in their toxic marriage

I dont have mum texting me at anytime of day and just sending me the same text again and again until I reply. Even when I was a work in meetings, I could come out to 25 of the same text from her

The rest of the family dont involve me when mu. Has made a random. Call to other relatives at 2am in the morning, from dad phone whole she is going through it. Yet again convinced he is cheating (he isnt she has to have complete control over everything). Then she is refusing to answer the phone so people think there is something wrong.

I donr have her demanding I change that days plans because she needs to discuss something with me and wants me to drive half an hour to hers, and discuss a subject that she wont reveal to me untill I get there.

I don't have her to see her giving thousands and thousands of pounds to my brother, because him and his wife are poor with money. They tell me one day they have had to give money to him again, then tell me they dont financially support him and they are skint and how I should not ever ask to borrow off them (I have never asked once, not even for my wedding). Personally I think if someone is giving you £300-£500 per month, they are supporting you.

I dont have to deal with dbro and his wives vitriol about the fact that I am a parent and work. Or how I could have improved my abusive marriage if I had just worked a bit harder.

When I split with my exh, mum offered me money to help buy my own place. Then withdrew the offer, leaving me financially fucked. She was raging I still could manage the house purchase. Though it's a struggle.

Going no contact isnt for you. And if you are thinking about how they get to carry on with their life, then I would suggest some further support to get through that.

By going no contact I dont worry about how any of them are getting on. Wether they miss me, are happy, are miserable. They just arent in thoughts at all.

Continuing contact with them, isnt helpful to me. That's what matters.

user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 13:53

Yes if they are giving you ongoing stress such as the above it is totally understandable how it sets you free. No support just stress. there are limits to how much people can take, some people are just toxic and bring you down in all ways. they won't change so often it is the only way to protect yourself- and DC.

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2019 13:56

When I went NC with my dad it was to preserve my own mental health rather than to punish him. I realised he would never become the father I wanted and the constant hope for change was badly affecting me. People have to do what works for them, but most people I know who have done it don't expect it to prompt change, but do it out of self preservation.

user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 15:30

Out of interest did anyone find it did change them at all? Did they ever try and apologise or try to change or anything?

Mine didn't- just kept writing me mad letters as if everything was just the same...along with a bit of hoovering and guilting (in letters). It all just confirmed the lack of awareness or ability to reflect or change.

AbbyNormal · 26/07/2019 17:27

@user87382294757 this is the third (and final) time I have gone NC with my DM. Each time she would try to apologise to me via voicemails or through other relatives and promise she would change. The first time I went NC I ignored them but once she realised an apology wasn't going to change anything, she resorted to abusive messages instead, to myself and even to my friends in order to punish me. I did forgive her, twice, but the mask slips within weeks and she goes back to her usual behaviour. I can't keep doing the cycle so I will stay NC now. She has a victim mentality, everything is someone else's fault and I don't think anything will ever change that. Going NC is for my own sanity now rather than expecting it to change anything.

NorthEndGal · 26/07/2019 17:32

It sounds like NC would be good for you, so it doesn't feel so raw.
As others have said , it's not a punishment to the people cut off, it has nothing to do with them. It's a safe guarding thing for your emotions.

PickAChew · 26/07/2019 17:34

The whole point of going no or low contact is that you don't have to deal with their shit any more. It's not meant to be a punishment. So what if they don't care?

Hoppinggreen · 26/07/2019 17:36

It’s not a punishment, it’s not so they realise what awful people they are and coming running to apologise
It’s for your sanity so you don’t have to deal with them. I’m NC with several family members- I dontbhate them or bear them any ill will, I’m just done with them

PickAChew · 26/07/2019 17:38

Think of it as shedding dead weight. You don't need these people. They add nothing positive to your life. Quite the reverse.

Ninkaninus · 26/07/2019 17:40

It’s not to punish them. It’s because their presence in your life is toxic to you. You cut them loose because that allows you freedom from their poison.

Luxembourgmama · 26/07/2019 18:39

It depends for me the person wanted contact but to be constantly fighting with me. They still do so my no contact rule helps me.

PinkGlitter123 · 26/07/2019 20:51

I feel like this about a 'friend' of mine. Leant on me heavily after their marriage split then dropped me like a hot stone as soon as they met their partner. Now they couldn't be happier, don't care at all about me and is loving life.
Life isn't fair. You have to protect yourself and cut them out as best you can if they cause you pain. I can't say that karma will get them as karma doesn't exist. I know how hurtful it is not to be missed. I wish I could tell you how to make that feeling disappear.

contentedsoul · 26/07/2019 23:01

I went NC with both siblings and parents in one swoop after years of the "divide and rule" regime within the family.
I'm happy to report I honestly could not give a single fuck about any of them, furthermore I have absolutely no reservations about not attending future weddings, funerals etc etc.

Going NC was the best move I ever made...hence the username.

sheshootssheimplores · 26/07/2019 23:05

I’ve gone non contact with a family member and it’s blissful. I don’t have to deal with her anymore and I couldn’t care less is she thinks about me or not!!!

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 27/07/2019 01:11

I think it's about taking control back. You can't control how they treat you, or how they feel about their behaviour. You can control whether or not you allow yourself to be in the vicinity for them to do it to you. You go NC so your parents can't abuse you anymore and to hell with whether it affects them or not, this is a statement that says it's hot in to treat me the way you have I'm not taking it anymore, and feel empowered that you've taken back your life. Moving on from parental abuse isn't easy and you may need ongoing therapy, but you won't consistently be retraumatised every time you have contact with them, if you don't.

user87382294757 · 27/07/2019 07:19

Sometimes I wish I had done it much sooner, might have avoided some awful stuff. It was having the DCs finally did it for me- so they would not go through it as well. Yes it is often the only way of taking back control. Mine will still try and do mad things like call my Dcs school or my work or DHs parents and try and cause problems but as I am more distant I can shrug it off and just say they have mental problems don't listen (have to hide work address as does brother though) They don't try and get into our house anymore either.

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