Situation with MIL?

[goodfornothinggnome]

I've posted about her before. Shes generally not very nice much of the time.
I asked her to look after DD today as I had a meeting. She offered to look after the dog too (they cant handle the dog so I made plans for DDog to be babysat for a couple of hours a few times during the day, left him a cooling mat, left cold water in the fridge, door open upstairs fans in the rooms he likes. Plus dad would obviously be letting him in and out.
Best I could do for the dog I thought, sufficiently cared for, and happy.

So today I get a text from dad, MIL has turned up at our house, decided that d dogs water wasnt up to her standard (dad had changed it not 15 minutes before) and changed it.

So I was angry, theyd been told not to bother the dog. He doesnt like FIL, and neither MIL or FIL can handle him. I dont want anyone getting hurt, them or the dog. (Hes a jumpy dog, and this reaction is really only with them st this point.)

I calmed down, telling myself they were just being kind, and maybe DH wasnt as strong with what he meant to say, maybe said you donf need to instead of dont.

I calmed down (this is a straw broke the camels back situation- I've just had enough of her and FIL at this point)

I got DD, and DD tells me as I'm putting her to bed that her nan had said that letting herself in would upset both me and DH because she had been told that her grandad was looking after the dog, And she knew it would upset me more, but I'd have to deal with it because she wanted to visit the dog.

This has made me quite angry, and I'm thinking I want to send her a message telling her that I had an interesting conversation with DD, who told me that she had said we would be upset with her visiting whilst we were out, but she still chose to, after we were quite clear that Ddog had his needs met. And that I would like the key to our home back as she was quite happy to disregard our wishes.

I'd also have hoped to have told her this was absolutely none of her business to have stuck her oar into, but I know that's just provocative.

I also dont want DH having to say this to her because she turns it all on its side and it becomes a "her causing problems" I promise I run myself ragged trying to be a decent daughter inlaw. I really do, but she puts me down at every given opportunity. She loves to throw catty remarks at me and it's not like I'm not low enough in myself as it is.
This whole situation has set off some anxiety (I'm sat here with a 120 heartbeat just thinking about how i can handle this appropriately)

Shes such a fucking cow. Why cant she just understand peoples limits? She is so horrible to me half of the time. I've considered leaving her son because of this before.

She minimises everything. I went through a cancer scare in the past year, I'd been coughing up blood for 7 or 8 months, by time theyd done the CT scan and bronchoscopy - not once did she ask if I was ok. She did however give me an almighty bollocking for not taking her son to the dr when he had a cough.

Shes started to make fun of anxiety and OCD. She thinks shes so funny, oh I'm OCD she says about having a certain way to wash up (readers- it's not OCD) or the "panic attack trying to decide what top she wants from debenhams (readers, 3 or 4 that she likes makes it too many to narrow down, she just uses the term like its interchangeable with decision or something) I am literally at the point where I would rather walk away from my marriage than continue on a relationship with this woman.

She thinks shes so much better than everyone. She really does, she doesnt even trust us to look after our own dog. Even my dad felt a bit judged earlier he said to her, I've just changed the dogs bowl- taxi said it would be 15 minutes, I waited a few minutes then changed his water so it's nice and fresh for the next few hours. Nope she just changes it. He thought I had invited her to my house to check up on him.

I just dont know what to do. If I stand up for myself it's me just being nasty, vile, common and causing needless arguments.

If I let her continue, she just will. Shes going to keep taking a sledgehammer to to whatever she can. It's not only me she does it to. I know shes done it to her son, I know she does it to her work colleagues and her sister, I know shes lost friends from doing it to them.

I'm sorry. I'm just venting and I know that it sounds pathetic, and probably like I'm quite vile myself, but I've treated this woman like a mother, not a mother inlaw. I have shown her respect no matter how much I might disagree with her. I've never belittled her, and I very rarely even stand up for myself when it comes to her but it's got to the point where I cant stand it anymore.

And sorry. He has water out, but I'd thought ahead and chilled lots and lots of water for him because its coming out of the tap warm at the moment!

And our living room is upstairs so he has the door open but with the curtains shut, so theres a bit of a breeze without the sun and hopefully cutting down on the warmth. Ddog is loved and taken care of.

Yanbu and I would definitely say what you said in the text and get your key back but I would wait and go around so she doesn't make a copy or just conveniently keep forgetting to give you the key

How often do you currently see or speak to her? I would be cutting that WAY back, without any dramatic statements about it though. Just be super busy.

She sounds really annoying but you are massively over reacting and it’s just hurting you.
Be more tolerant, have more boundaries. Ask someone else to watch your daughter if you don’t want her tangling herself up in your dog care. From your description of the dogs set up you sound like someone who takes care and pride in doing things properly. Don’t let this pride slide into controlling behaviour.
Honestly, Making such a fuss over someone changing water is ridiculous. And as to her going out of her way to annoy you, people say all kinds of things and it doesn’t define them completely, after all look what you are posting about her on the web for the whole world to read. Your daughter may even have been speaking out of context.
It was the hottest day of the year today, and MIL took the trouble to make sure your dog was ok. What a kind and considerate thing to do, even though she knew she would probably get some flack from you.
Ultimately, the dogs welfare was far more important than your instructions in your absence.

Thank you, and I appreciate you are giving a straight down the middle answer here, but this isnt about the dog. This is about her continually sticking the boot in, and no it may not sound nice, but In 10 years she has maybe had me bite back once. She picks and picks at me to the point, like I've said, I cant be Ill. I cant have diagnosis for mental health problems without her trying to make fun of the situation.
She drove half an hour out of her way, so she could pointedly in my fathers view change the water. She was told not to come here, she had no reason to be in our home. I would never just walk into her home. I've had a set of her keys on my key ring for 9 or so years, not once have I ever gone into her house with them without her consent. Privacy is quite important to me (have been burgled in the past- and I am quite upfront about that, the key is for emergencies)
If she had even text me or DH it would be different. But again. Please understand, shes never received any flack. I silently take the digs. I dont rise to them. I've smiled past them, but I am struggling to do that at this point. I am trying to keep my mental health somewhat together, depression has crept in- and whilst it might not be her fault, how can I like a person who pokes fun of anxiety and OCD and continually puts someone down? She has something to say about me all the time.

She knew the dog had someone with him so how is she any more able than my dad? Honest question.

You know what she's like and you invite her into your life by asking her to help. Make you partner visit with your child, stop asking her to childmind, no matter what find some else. Change the door lock, very easy to change the barrel yourself and dot give her the new key. Even for emergencies you can give it to someone else (friend, neighbour, safety lock box). If she hasn't got a key she can't get in. Don't tell her what is going on. Let your partner deal with her.

You don't like her yet have no problem using her as childcare? Why not find childcare or ask your parents? Surely it makes more sense to limit contact with her?

Take back your key and tell her you can't trust her to do as you ask.

She doesn't sound nice at all but I've got a feeling that if you confront her about this particular issue, you will come out painted as the bad guy. I would look at the whole issue instead and if you don't want her to have access to your home, change the locks and reduce contact. If she asks you why, tell her straight with as few words as possible. You'll need your DH to support you though or she'll just get a key from him.

Don't ask her to babysit in future and take back your key or change the lock. In the nicest possible way someone can't be in your life unless you invite them in.

YANBU Tell her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Get your house key back tell her whats what and if your husband doesn't like it then tell him to get his DM's keys and move in with her.

Plus I hear what you're saying about it not being about the dog. But essentially you are still asking someone you feel is toxic to look after your Dd when needed. I'd be more focussed on not exposing Dd to a person you have past experience of problematic behaviour with, vs using them as a babysitter in a pinch when it suits perhaps. Especially when you've said you've considered leaving your DP so you don't have any contact with her.

OP, you sound very upset and of course context is everything so we can't really judge, but it did strike me that the "I am so OCD" and "I am having a panic attack" are expressions many people use and they don't mean it as poking fun, generally they are just thoughtless remarks, inappropriate, but not necessarily intentionally mean spirited, are you sure you are not overreacting because of not liking her?

I am just saying this because you sound exasperated, and your marriage may really suffer, when maybe with a bit more detachment on your part and less contact it could be manageable?

Just change the locks.

I’d pretend to lock myself out and get the key back that way. And have as little to do with her as possible.

Sorry, I've read back and I sound spoilt. And to be fair everyone does have a point. I should stop asking her for help, that's very fair.
I do try and have a relationship, but I'd like to be treated more nicely, but maybe I am giving her some licence to be more judgemental by asking for help with childcare, and maybe that does blur the boundaries somewhat. I wont ask her to look after DD in future if that's what will give us an easier relationship.
I will also stop visiting much of the time, but I doubt DH would visit her otherwise.

I think I will just need to step back like PP have suggested. I've never wanted a distant relationship with the Inlaws, I've always tried to be close to them, and I accept maybe I've gone about the relationship the wrong way.
I'd have appreciated her even texting to say Gnome, is your Dad with dog, or something that I'd have felt less like it was an I know how you feel but dont care sort of situation.

I'm still sort of annoyed but I think I'm putting more meaning on to it than I maybe should. Could be far worse than 2 grandparents looking after the dog I suppose, and that's all that really happened.

If I step away. Then maybe interactions become nicer. I'd genuinely like to see her without feeling bad.

Thank her for changing the dogs water change the locks and get a key safe for genuine emergencies

That sounds very healthy on your part. Look at it as you can't change somebody else's actions, but you can change your actions to prevent them acting that way around you (If that makes sense).

And I also want to say that whilst at the moment I dont like her its solely on the way she treats other people, she can be mean, but beyond that she can be a nice person, and above all. Shes family. She brought up DH.
There are many things I could list that arent positive, but she did being DH up to be the man he is and I love and respect her for that so it's not like I just cant stand the woman, it's more her treatment of people much of the time, and sadly I do think that comes from unhappiness within her.

Maybe your MIL senses that you don't like her? She was trying to be kind by popping in to check on the dog in this heat. Also, vet advice is to not give dogs very cold water, or ice. They should have ordinary tap water. It's not the temp of the water that keeps them cool, it's the sweating / panting that does it.
I'm afraid you're coming across as a bit hysterical about her. If you feel so strongly, just don't visit as often!

I think you have to change your behaviour towards her in a way that makes you feel you have more control. At the moment she has a lot of say over what happens in your life OP and that is not good with someone like her or someone that makes you feel the way you do about her. Get your key back or, for a tenner change the barrel. When she sends a text, don't immediately jump and answer but calm down and think about a different response or even no response at all. Gradually distance yourself this way. If your DH wouldn't see her if you don't make the effort that's tough but you are the one that's getting the shitty end of this stick so cool it gradually by engaging less. You can't control what she says and does but you can control your response to this. It might take a couple of years but you will eventually have the relationship with her that you can cope with. If it's so bad you are seriously considering getting out of your marriage you have to do something drastic. Take back control of your own life.

I'm still a bit at her reading you the riot act for not taking her son to the GP when he had a cough! She does realise he's an adult now yes?

I'd do what @slipperywhensparticus suggests, get the locks changed and a key safe for emergencies. I wouldn't ask for the current key back in case she's made a copy along the way. Let her find out next time she tries to enter your house uninvited.

I'd be furious OP, how dare she say anything like that to your daughter. She's effectively teaching her that it's OK to ignore what you say . Sounds deliberate and manipulative to me!

Change the locks. You need to feel that your own space won’t be intruded upon. That should help your mental health.