Situation with MIL?

[goodfornothinggnome]

I've posted about her before. Shes generally not very nice much of the time.
I asked her to look after DD today as I had a meeting. She offered to look after the dog too (they cant handle the dog so I made plans for DDog to be babysat for a couple of hours a few times during the day, left him a cooling mat, left cold water in the fridge, door open upstairs fans in the rooms he likes. Plus dad would obviously be letting him in and out.
Best I could do for the dog I thought, sufficiently cared for, and happy.

So today I get a text from dad, MIL has turned up at our house, decided that d dogs water wasnt up to her standard (dad had changed it not 15 minutes before) and changed it.

So I was angry, theyd been told not to bother the dog. He doesnt like FIL, and neither MIL or FIL can handle him. I dont want anyone getting hurt, them or the dog. (Hes a jumpy dog, and this reaction is really only with them st this point.)

I calmed down, telling myself they were just being kind, and maybe DH wasnt as strong with what he meant to say, maybe said you donf need to instead of dont.

I calmed down (this is a straw broke the camels back situation- I've just had enough of her and FIL at this point)

I got DD, and DD tells me as I'm putting her to bed that her nan had said that letting herself in would upset both me and DH because she had been told that her grandad was looking after the dog, And she knew it would upset me more, but I'd have to deal with it because she wanted to visit the dog.

This has made me quite angry, and I'm thinking I want to send her a message telling her that I had an interesting conversation with DD, who told me that she had said we would be upset with her visiting whilst we were out, but she still chose to, after we were quite clear that Ddog had his needs met. And that I would like the key to our home back as she was quite happy to disregard our wishes.

I'd also have hoped to have told her this was absolutely none of her business to have stuck her oar into, but I know that's just provocative.

I also dont want DH having to say this to her because she turns it all on its side and it becomes a "her causing problems" I promise I run myself ragged trying to be a decent daughter inlaw. I really do, but she puts me down at every given opportunity. She loves to throw catty remarks at me and it's not like I'm not low enough in myself as it is.
This whole situation has set off some anxiety (I'm sat here with a 120 heartbeat just thinking about how i can handle this appropriately)

Shes such a fucking cow. Why cant she just understand peoples limits? She is so horrible to me half of the time. I've considered leaving her son because of this before.

She minimises everything. I went through a cancer scare in the past year, I'd been coughing up blood for 7 or 8 months, by time theyd done the CT scan and bronchoscopy - not once did she ask if I was ok. She did however give me an almighty bollocking for not taking her son to the dr when he had a cough.

Shes started to make fun of anxiety and OCD. She thinks shes so funny, oh I'm OCD she says about having a certain way to wash up (readers- it's not OCD) or the "panic attack trying to decide what top she wants from debenhams (readers, 3 or 4 that she likes makes it too many to narrow down, she just uses the term like its interchangeable with decision or something) I am literally at the point where I would rather walk away from my marriage than continue on a relationship with this woman.

She thinks shes so much better than everyone. She really does, she doesnt even trust us to look after our own dog. Even my dad felt a bit judged earlier he said to her, I've just changed the dogs bowl- taxi said it would be 15 minutes, I waited a few minutes then changed his water so it's nice and fresh for the next few hours. Nope she just changes it. He thought I had invited her to my house to check up on him.

I just dont know what to do. If I stand up for myself it's me just being nasty, vile, common and causing needless arguments.

If I let her continue, she just will. Shes going to keep taking a sledgehammer to to whatever she can. It's not only me she does it to. I know shes done it to her son, I know she does it to her work colleagues and her sister, I know shes lost friends from doing it to them.

I'm sorry. I'm just venting and I know that it sounds pathetic, and probably like I'm quite vile myself, but I've treated this woman like a mother, not a mother inlaw. I have shown her respect no matter how much I might disagree with her. I've never belittled her, and I very rarely even stand up for myself when it comes to her but it's got to the point where I cant stand it anymore.

She sounds dreadful, you will never change her over bearing behaviour, so all you can do is change your behaviour.

My MIL is also a nightmare and after years of putting up with her, we moved house! It was the best thing we ever did and meant she couldn’t “pop in” whenever she felt like it.

You need to change your locks, and limit the amount of time you see her. Let Dh deal with her.
The day it clicked with me that I didn’t need to see her more than a few times a year, was a wonderful day!

Forget about making her change, you need to take control!

Op what does your dh think, does he have A good relationship with her?

Why is it your job to facilitate one between them?

Does your dd like her?

I think what she did was awful, basically saying neither yiu6, her son or your dad are capable of looking after a dog.

No one is going to give you a medal for acting like a martyr.
Your own mental health is impacted, you said you have low self esteem.
You need to keep her at arms length, obviously change locks, but look to yourself, why have you enabled this.

You’ll just have to give up on having a healthy MIL/DIL relationship, I suspect. It’s time to free yourself from those expectations, and let go on all the ‘but why is she doing this, can’t she be nicer/have better boundaries, etc’.

Read up on techniques on the Out of The Fog website, and start implementing them. Reduce contact, let yourself off the hook, seek out alternative support and let her crack on. Going low contact (or NC) needn’t be very dramatic. It’s like the difference between ‘excluding’ someone and just not actively ‘including’ them. You just quietly stop giving the toxic person details about your life (so they don’t have ammunition to use against you). You go about your life, and leave them to theirs. Don’t ask or owe favours. Be outwardly civil, and inwardly detached. You’ve done your very best with her, now retire from the job of pleasing her.

I’d replace the locks 12 times, rather than have a toxic person in my home when I’m not there. If your DH insists on giving her spares, just keep changing them until they give up.

It’s obvious you both dislike each other Op and there’s a lot of ill feeling between you. I don’t understand why you ask her to watch your DD if I’m honest when you hate her so much. I would stop that in future and take back the key. It will give you some control back at least.

Does your DD have a good relationship with her?

I think overall the dog thing was actually kind and you are upset because of previous run ins and she has an over bearing manner and this is making you put too much emphasis on her motives.
I also think that you've seen it as your duty to have a strong relationship with PILs for your daughter and DH sakes, but you need to reanalyse what that means. It doesn't mean being respectful to her to the point that she starts taking advantage of you and undermining you.
So I think you need to lower your expectations of your relationship with her because it sounds like she continually does not live up to how you'd like her to behave (does she even know she's supposed to do that?) Yes in an ideal world she'd be like a second mother, but not many people could live up to that.
Don't expect so much, then you won't be disappointed. What you have now, apart from the mean remarks is a person who will help you out when you ask her. She cares about your DD. She may not be that nice to you but I bet she'd be round in a shot if any of you were seriously ill. So its not all bad if you do have to lower expectations of a really loving relationship. It sounds like you have other relatives who support you and a nice DH.
Leave it to DH to organise his parents. I'm not saying go NC or even LC, it doesn't sound like either of you want that...but reduce the opportunities for her to get under your skin. Do it without quietly, without drama and give your self a bit of breathing space. Change the key and get DH to give some reason.. to minimise fuss.
You need to do a bit of self protection. I understand that its built up now so that she hardly has to say anything to upset you. But When she makes slighting comments.. you know its going to happen so you can prepare some dig quashing comments. The type of comment that with namecalling or emotive language calmly shuts down the conversation and moves it on to something else, as if you are the adult in charge, or more like the Chair.
You probably know what kinds of things she's going to say. I understand that ignoring these as if they have no effect is also a good strategy but in this case I think you need to start answering back.. even a simple "You're wrong." or "That''s incorrect actually" or when required "What kind of comment is that! I think its time to move on to a better topic." This will help you feel that you have stood up for yourself and help stop the remark eating away at you.
You know the areas which set off conflict or controlling remarks.. so try to "bombproof them," without drama. Know your calendar, and don't hesitate to say you have to check it before committing. Know what you want in advance. Then you can decide if a proposal suits you or not. It may feel ridiculous to plan ahead in this way and you may resent that you have to do it.. but the main thing is don't give her any more opportunities to upset you and stand up for yourself calmly but also kindly, without aggression. She probably knows you don't like her and feels that she has to jostle for position within the family, while that is not entirely your fault, there might be a case to decide to forgive her and let it all go, for your own sanity.
Make a decision to forget all the barbed comments and times she's let you down in the past, remembering these probably does you more harm than good. Get rid of their power over you by letting them go and reset everything to today with your new expectations and your plans to be more in control and stand up for yourself. Remind yourself that she is actually lucky that her DH and DD have you in their lives. You may even improve your relationship. Wishing you all the best.

*without namecalling.

Excellent and well thought out post DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I would tell DH what your DD told you and tell him how you feel about it. Change the locks - there is no need for her to have a key to your home. Stop using her for childcare.

Preferably speak to PIL with your DH about what DD told you and let her know you will not be undermined in future. Tell her you have changed the locks and then I'd go low contact unless and until she changes her behaviour (e.g. commenting on the ocd etc).

Ask DH to visit her with DD and stay away for at least a while. You do need to ensure your DH knows that you would contemplate leaving him if you have to put up with her bad behaviour. He will then hopefully appreciate the enormity of the situation for you.

I have a MiL who shows her displeasure with me through passive aggression (for what reason who knows, other than that I'm very different and less conventional in my attitudes, style and lifestyle than her own family). It's the usual story - no problems until DC came on the scene, then she started with the disapproval and undermining, making sly sideways swipes every time the opportunity presented itself. She was at my house frequently when DC was a baby, and at that stage was almost sycophantic with me, which surprised me. But once that cute baby stage had passed she reverted to type (the way she is with her son) and contacted DC all of 4 times a year. No regular face-time; no contact at all, other than wanting to commandeer birthdays and Christmas (the latter of which is a particular bone of contention with me as she has form for trying to ruin it).

I've done the only thing in the circumstances that I could do: which is drop the rope. I let DH deal with her exclusively, she arranges visits through him. If I'm there well and good, if not, I don't alter my plans. She's on restricted access on my social media and doesn't have my new mobile number. She doesn't offer childcare and we have never asked. She has the relationship she wants with her DGC and my DH on her own terms (sparse). I'm not compelled to do likewise,.

It's a tough one to negotiate OP and as a parent you can never be certain you're doing the right thing. But I'd stop her having unfettered access to your house, or giving her childcare responsibility if she's deliberately undermining your parenting. Keep her at a distance, let your DH handle his own relatives, and step back. You'll be less angry and it will be more beneficial for your own mental health (as it has been for mine).

Good luck

I agree with previous posters OP.I too would say nothing but I would quietly change the locks and put a stop to her coming in.She wouldnt be babysitting either as she cannot be trusted to keep her opinions to herself and I wouldnt want my child to be subjected to that.Then I would go about my life as usual.fitting her in as and when you want to and not the other way round.I would keep contact to a bear minimum.It sounds like she sees you almost as a rival and that is ridiculous but it happens and she is insistant on trying to place herself as top dog.It happens! In my opinion as I said to mine after not one of my finest moments I admit..I said I married your son not you! Awful thing to say but true,not proud of myself for that outburst but you can only try so much.I admitted defeat on trying to win mine round and to be frank I am happier with how things are now,My DH sees her and so does my little one only if DH is with her and I get on with my life.There is no pretence any more and its liberating.I dont want to know what they are doing and I dont want them ot know what I am doing and ts working.There is only so much you can do if your efforts arent being recipricated.

Thanks @NoSauce. I think I might have made it sound easy but in reality I have really struggled/still struggle with similar issues. I think its an extension of the Cheeky Fucker syndrome. The real eye opener for me was when my grown up DC said "Mum, you are not allowed to comment on stuff that is more than two years old." I had to laugh because they were right, I was weighing myself down with all this stuff. A lot of posts on these topics say you have a DH problem etc.. but now I think stuff that, I had a me problem. I needed to stand up for myself more and not wait for others to do it for me. Its fighting the life long conditioning we've had to be "good" and deciding its time to have our own interpretation of what's "good". I can't say I always manage it but I'm getting better at it.

I would distance yourself from her; don’t tell her things and try not to ask for help unless you really need it. It sounds like she’s not going to change but you can protect yourself from how she makes you feel.

Excellent posts duck.

Agree with the me problem. Wedging my own situation in here 😁, I was happy to stand up for myself but as you said, bound by these strange new social bonds around ones partner family.

I'm at the point where I don't care anymore but it's agonising as well because one doesn't want to see one's dc miss out with loving grandparents, but then one then realises they are toxic what do you do.

In my own case op I have now not seen pils for a long time and I'm much happier.
The last time I saw them I was in a more combat mode than door mat mode and I agree with pp who said on this occasion for your own self worth fight back.

I personally can't see anything kind about the dog at all. Your perfectly capable father was there. It's rude and intrusive.

She sounds ghastly. The dog thing is the least of it. Stop asking for her help with childcare though, you're doing yourself no favours.

Brillaint Posts Duck, especially this bit...

A lot of posts on these topics say you have a DH problem etc.. but now I think stuff that, I had a me problem. I needed to stand up for myself more and not wait for others to do it for me. Its fighting the life long conditioning we've had to be "good" and deciding its time to have our own interpretation of what's "good". I can't say I always manage it but I'm getting better at it.

So now your dd has the measure of her too. Why would you inflict such an awful woman /man on your dc? Why do you want to be close to a viper?
If your dh wouldn't bother with them if you didn't, doesn't that say it all op?
Find nicer people to socialise with. Don't have to be family!

You probably feel much better for having gotten that all off your chest by typing it out. Sounds like a rant over a glass of wine to a sympathetic friend might help too. But then try to rise above it all and ignore it. You won't be able to change the way she behaves, but you can (with effort and practice) stop yourself engaging with it and taking it so seriously and letting it upset you so much.

stop making an effort with her - if dh wouldn't bother why shoudl you

she doesn't respect your boundaries - that is enough reason - you dont need anymore than that

take your key back or change your locks

dont ask her for anything...

see how that pans out for a while......step away...

in the main she just sounds irritating- howver coming over and deliberaltely upsetting your dad/dog just to be territorial is not on...

NB. - had to throw it in there that 'wifework' - a term I heard for the first time on this site - is a crock of shit. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

And she knew it would upset me more, but I'd have to deal with it because she wanted to visit the dog.

Jeez. And all this on top of everything else you have been managing.
I think you need to address this from both a practical & psychological perspective.

PRACTICAL
Nip the unwanted visits in the bud. Get your key back, saying something like "it wasn't necessary for you to visit the dog, as I'm sure DH told you, he was already taken care of. He can be jumpy, & I don't want you to visit while DH or I are not present to oversee him."
If she pushes back, stay firm & calm, & state that you do not want her arbitrarily letting herself into you home.
You have every right to say this, & to insist on the key being returned.

PSYCHOLOGICAL
Yes, I would want to send the bloody woman a tirade of texts too.
But bear in mind how much this will play into the drama she loves to cause, & how practised she is at playing you - the example of telling you off for not taking her son to the Dr (cos I'm sure a grown man can't do this for himself!), but never asking once about your own severe & protracted illness is gobsmacking.
Anything you say will be manipulated, so don't give her any ammo.
'Grey rock' technique would serve you well here, google it or ... see next para ...

You mentioned feeling low - unsurprising given this suffocating woman in your life - would you consider tackling this through counselling? Just to get you back up to par, & give you an outlet to address the meanness & frustrations MiL piles upon you. A counsellor would help you find & practice techniques for dealing with her, AND help you maximise your own interior wellbeing.

She is definitely trying to upset you & put a wedge between you & DH.
The way she spoke about him needing to be "taken" to the GP (by you!!) is worrying. Has he completely cut her apron strings, or does she undermine & manipulate him as well?
Because DH is going to have to step right up to Team @goodfornothinggnome & support you against her nonsense. You need to impress upon him how near breaking point you are feeling, & enlist his help.

Ultimately, the dogs welfare was far more important than your instructions in your absence

The dog's welfare was already more than adequately taken care of. MiL knew that, & let herself in anyway. This is not an isolated incident that the OP is blowing out of proportion - look at all the controlling & undermining & even, FFS, taking the piss out of the OP's anxiety. Add to that constant catty remarks & never once so much as asking after OP's health through a cancer scare ... OP, YANBU!

I will also stop visiting much of the time, but I doubt DH would visit her otherwise.

There you go - sorted!
You are NOT responsible for maintaining DH's relationship with his mother. Any more than you are for "taking him to the GP".

And on reading PPs above - yes, save yourself the bother of asking for your key back: change the locks, make sure you only have 1 each for you & DH & one spare with a trusy neighbour/pal.
If (when!) MiL kicks off as her old key now doesn't gain her access to your house behind your backs, you can quietly & calmly fall back on the statement that you are not comfortable with her letting herself in, especially around your jumpy dog, & want to be present to supervise dog's behaviour around others.
If she pushes back on that, do the 'broken record technique' -
"it is my house, & my decision, & not up for further discussion."

• & change the subject. If she is still bulldozing you, repeat, change subject - & do this until she shuts up.

& really - please get some counselling to discuss your feelings about MiL & how you can best manage her in future.

Sorry, I've read back and I sound spoilt.

No, you sound like someone at the end of her tether, having put up with years of intrusive nonsense.

Changing the locks & cutting right back on childcare means you can ease gently into much lower contact. That will reduce your stress without having to go through the arseache & drama of making any announcements or challenging her on her most recent unwelcome intrusion.

Poor ops dad as well! How utterly embarrassing for him, undermining him as though he can't take care of the dog. He said the water had been changed and she ignored him, and changed it anyway.

Sometimes it's astonishing just how much abuse we take ourselves but then they are rude to our parents, or children and then we see in sharp focus just how nasty they are and we say, NO MORE.

BTW the way your Mil sneakily confided with your dd...

GhostRidersInDisguise Fri 26-Jul-19 07:07:43

Best advice yet.
Good luck going forward OP, & look after yourself x