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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to these parents on last day of term

36 replies

1stmonkey · 25/07/2019 20:54

So 8 year old DD has come home from school today upset about comments a "friend" has made to her. This has been going on for most of the year with this girl, let's call her P, making snidey comments, and basically low-level bullying DD (among others, they are in the same friendship group).
For months now DH and i have been trying to help her manage the situation herself, all the usual stand up for yourself, tell a teacher, avoid/ignore her, kindof stuff. I genuinely think it's the bickering and bitchiness between girls that is starting and while P has definitely been a "mean girl", DD has not wanted us to approach the school about it.
We've all, DD, DH and i, taken comfort in the fact that they won't be in the same class together after the summer holidays so DD won't have to deal with her as much but this evening DD has said that she has had enough of P and just cannot take anymore. She was more upset that i've ever seen her and obviously i want to deal with it.
Given it's the last day of term tomorrow i don't really see that i'm going to get anywhere via the school and to be fair come September it may be a non-issue.
But AIBU to approach Ps parents. They are not together as a couple but either mum or dad is usually at pick up and i feel like i need to say something about Ps behaviour and the impact its having on my DD.
Keen to hear how/if you would handle it?

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/07/2019 20:56

What exactly do you want to approach them with, and what outcome are you looking for?

BarbarAnna · 25/07/2019 20:58

I would leave it I think. My eldest has had a tough term for one reason and another, including mean girls, but less than a week later, is a different child, very happy and I suspect has moved on from it all. Obviously I will be keeping a very close eye come September but I am not sure what a pre holiday confrontation would have achieved.

BarbarAnna · 25/07/2019 20:59

Meant to say, she broke up a week ago, hence is much happier etc.

Patchworksack · 25/07/2019 20:59

Will they have to see each other over the summer? If the issue is in school I would always approach school and not the parents about it. If they will be in different classes in September hopefully it won't be an issue, but I'd be ready to go in to school the minute it starts again.

user1471449295 · 25/07/2019 21:00

As tempting as it is, I don’t think it’ll achieve much on the last day of term. If come September she is seeking your daughter out to pick on, in100% would then

Original poster
1stmonkey · 25/07/2019 21:01

To be honest i don't expect much from the parents. I don't really know what i want, except them maybe to have stern words with their own daughter. I think it's more to show DD that i'm on her side and that i've got her back??

OP posts:
Yodude · 25/07/2019 21:01

No, approach the school in September if there is a still a problem.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/07/2019 21:04

I don't really know what i want, except them maybe to have stern words with their own daughter.

Don't bother. They won't.

Leave it 'til the new term starts and if it's still an issue raise it with the school.

lljkk · 25/07/2019 21:06

Be prepared for the other parent to have a list of things your child has done to upset theirs.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 25/07/2019 21:10

You know one side of the story....

You believe your daughter's behaviours is always fine, they may well believe the same about their daughter!

If it is still an issue in september, get the school to deal with it

dustarr73 · 25/07/2019 21:14

I wouldnt mention it to the parents.Its a school issue.And should be handled by the school.

Anyway if they break up tomorrow,i would leave it and see.

But if starts again in September go to the school,your dc will be better protected because they will have the full story

missyB1 · 25/07/2019 21:14

You had plenty of opportunity to ask the school to sort this but you chose not to. Don’t take it up with the parents, they will rightly ask you why you are only addressing the issue now. And as pp said you only have one side of the story.

LolaSmiles · 25/07/2019 21:16

As others have said, be prepared for a list of things your DD has said/done to her.

It sounds like unpleasant bickering and fallings out, which should pass over the summer. It's fairly rare for friendship group bickering to be wholly one sided in my experience. Usually a minor fall out happens and then 2 or more people dig their heels in and there's some two way unpleasantness and then it dies down and everyone moves on.

Moonsick · 25/07/2019 21:18

Dont do it. It won't go well. Always go through the school but you have probably left it too late now.

You have no idea what their side of the story is, what their daughter is telling them. Only a very few parents will react well in that sort of situation.

In my kids school any parental arguing or strong debate in the playground means a ban, from two weeks to indefinite. Any problems at school have to be dealt with via the school.

Original poster
1stmonkey · 25/07/2019 21:18

Thanks all.

Oh i know my DD isn't an angel, she's told me some of the things she's also said to P. In fact a few weeks ago she woke me at midnight asking me to help her rip a page out of her diary, she'd written "something mean" about P and was feeling guilty about it (it said "P is a cow! Moo!"- they are 8 after all!)
That said, i do feel pretty confident i know what's been going on, i've had other friends of DD tell me as well.
But maybe you're right. Not much to be achieved at this point.
Any ideas on how i can settle with DD? I want her to know i'm on her side and that i'm prepared to step in when it's too much for her to handle alone, but like you say, speaking to the other parents is probably not worth it.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 25/07/2019 21:18

I wouldn’t to be honest; I don’t think the last day of term is the time. If it carries on in September then fine but I think if you were going to do anything then school would be the first stop and let them talk to the parents

Lazydaisies · 25/07/2019 21:19

It is my experience of these low level personality clashes that both parents see their own child as the victim of the other child.

In reality, though, school is a very forced environment which inflicts forced contact on children, some of whom really, really do not get along like no adult environment ever will to the same extent. Couple that with children’s lack of good boundaries and self control and situations like your DD has been subjected to are a constant issue.

I don’t believe you will achieve anything other than antagonising the other parents. In the future if it were me I would definitely handle it via the school at a much earlier point in the interaction and not tell my daughter I was doing it if I felt she would feel compromised.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 25/07/2019 21:20

Have you spoke to the school about it before?
This is the exact situation that my DD has at school. The parents aren’t the sort I’d get into a conversation with, they are incapable of not swearing and threatening people.

I always speak to the school, each and every time. I’m the squeaky wheel. They are dealing with the situation really well.

Original poster
1stmonkey · 25/07/2019 21:21

You're all right. Wishing i had gone into the school before now but DD seemed to be handling it pretty well, and it genuinely just seemed like bickering.
Probably a bit emotional after hearing "she makes me hate my life" this evening.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
BarbarAnna · 25/07/2019 21:31

Bless you. My DD is a little bit older but says similarly dramatic things. See how things are come the new term. You making a big deal of it now, whilst showing her you have her back, is likely to cause upset and you and your DD are unlikely to get closure. Put it out of your mind, enjoy your summer and wait to see what September brings.

spiderlight · 25/07/2019 21:31

I've spoken to parents twice about this sort of thing. Made it much, much worse for my DS both times - although admittedly we didn't have the benefit of it being the last day of term. I'd leave it until September and let the school deal with it if I were you. Your poor DD though :(

LadyRannaldini · 25/07/2019 21:34

Let her enjoy the Summer holiday, counsel her about the repecussions of joining in name calling and then maybe have a word with her new teacher at the start of term to make sure they're aware of the situation.

Moonsick · 25/07/2019 21:35

You have my sympathy, my son also had problems with a boy who was making his life miserable. He didn't want to go to school at all because this boy was hurting him daily.

My approach was to work on his self esteem and self confidence, to work on building an imaginary shell so the hurt bounced off. I also encouraged him out of the friendship group completely and helped him with techniques to make new friends at school. We also signed him up for activities in school and out of the school that the boy didn't do, gave DS a whole new group of children to be friends with.

Over the holidays I would cheerily remind your DD that she won't be in the same class, that it will be a nice fresh start, ask her about any nice children she might like to have around to play and reassure her that any nastiness needs to be told to you and you will deal with it for her. Don't talk about it unless she brings it up.

If it happens next term make a note - times, dates, facts and how it made your DD feel. I printed mine out and gave it to the teacher. If it continues you can take it to the deputy head. Most schools have a bullying policy, it's worth digging it out and studying it.

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2019 21:36

I’d just say OP - I’ve told my son that whilst he’s young I make the decisions about when I talk to his teacher.

She’s 8 - if you wanted to talk to the teacher you should’ve - she doesn’t get a say. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. But I’ve found nipping things in the bud is better.

Beautiful3 · 25/07/2019 21:36

I think it's a bad idea to confront the parents as it will probably end in an argument. I would personally talk with the teacher in the morning and ask her to talk with the girls to nip it in the bud. That will show your daughter that you're on her side. It doesn't matter that it's the last day of term.

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