Am I being selfish?

[Greggers2017]

So I'm stuck at home all day everyday with the kids. I'm doing all the housework and we have a 5 week old newborn too. I'm breastfeeding and do all the night feeds and often bring baby downstairs anytime from 5am onwards to ensure DP gets enough sleep for work.
I feel like nothing has changed for DP. He's still going out with friends, playing sports etc. So far in the last 6 days we have been out for lunch and his dad came, next day he went cycling with a friend said he'd be back approx 7:30-8 and we would go for a walk, came home at 10pm, no walk. Monday and Tuesday had a friend round had a beer in the pool in the garden, Wednesday FIL cane round and had a beer in the garden and today played tennis. Most weeks happen like this.
So far I've been to a play at school and the supermarket twice on my own. Baby does take a bottle. He keeps saying he's happy for me to meet friends or go swimming but when can I do that if he makes plans everyday?
We've had several arguments over him wanting to go out and wet the babies head with his workmates and them putting pressure on him to do it. It will turn into a binge with him late home and no respite that day and probably write off the next day too. Now his worknates are saying I am controlling and taking the piss out of DP.
I've had to ask for time together, and when I don't want visitors I'm being Selfish. It's all getting too much. AIBU and controlling?

No, but you know that. He's a selfish arse.

Oh yes, you sound selfish, OP. How dare you expect your DH to parent his children and support his wife.

No, wait.

No.

He’s a twat.

I just want him to give me a cuddle every now and again, tell me I'm doing well with the breastfeeding (i couldn't manage it with my other children), spend some time just me and him, have a talk about day or take over for an hour so I can have a bath.

Now his worknates are saying I am controlling and taking the piss out of DP

If the opinion of his workmates is more important to him than the wellbeing of you and your new baby then you've got bigger issues than him going out.
This might be a very good time for a serious chat and the offering of options - i.e. shape up and be a Father and Partner or piss off and be the eternal lad. His choice.

Yanbu.
He needs to grow up and take responsibility.
Ignore any plans he has for tomorrow,just go out and leave him to cope alone.

Well, he's said you can go, so just do that. Get them in the diary before he does, if that's what you use, and just do it. Also, if he has friends/family round, what is stopping you also doing that?

Unless you have been in front of of these mates and heard it from the horses mouth, that's bollocks. It's a tactic my dad used on my mum all the time, and he's an arsehole as well.

@arethereanyleftatall that's a pretty standard week and he always have something planned when I attempt to make plans for myself. He's also not had the baby alone much, I wanted to build up so he was
Confident but he doesn't have her as always busy.

No my soon to be ex is the same. Really wanted a child and then when we had one, didn't change a bloody thing to accommodate her.

Ok, so go a week or more in advance.
'From August, I've booked a ten week yoga course. It's on a Thursday night. My friend Sandra is coming round in Tuesday night next week. Kathleen and I have decided to go for a swim every Sunday at 2pm.'

OP you need to make this clear now

You are not going to control his behaviour that is not on you. But that you would like to be a family where you spend time together, be a partnership where you have time to do things on your own (BOTH OF YOU) and a fair and even split of chores and parenting. But that he needs to be aware that he cannot control your reactions or what you might do if that doesnt happen

And he is her father he needs to step up

Selfish twat
Hand him baby go out every Saturday,gym cinema shopping lunch .
You need a regular day of

I do worry that I may be feeling a little low too. I had post natal depression after my first baby.

What was he like after the first baby?

This is our first baby together. My older two have a different father. He has a daughter that lives with us but he didn't know about her until she was 6 months old and has never been in a relationship with her Mum. He does have full custody now though

IME pnd can be brought on by everything you are feeling. He’s a tit!

Hold on so he leaves you with 4 children one of which is just his when he does what he wants? In effect making you the default parent

OP, your DP is an arse.
Sorry to tell you that XXX

@Quartz2208 yes exactly that. I just want time. It's not so bad as the other children are older. 12, 11 and 10 but it was still difficult yesterday as everybody was in a foul mood due to the heat.
The baby was especially hard work as she didn't know what to do with herself. I just wanted a shower and to chill for half hour when he got home and I was apparently being difficult.
🤷‍♀️

He doesn't seem interested in contributing to your lives together as a family. He needs to step up in a serious way

He's not daft us he?

Get a calendar and block out every time he's unavailable.

Show him what a selfish arse he is. Ask him what he's going to do about it. Make your decision based on what he says.

Did you work before you had the baby?

Yes I worked full time and will be returning after maternity leave.

I agree, it sounds like you expect him to sort out your social life. Do it for yourself. Make plans in advance and just say 'I hope it is OK, I've made plans to see X next Wednesday you'll be OK to look after kiidies and put to bed', or and X is coming over for the evening on Friday.

Then sayon Sunday night ' what should we do together next Saturday. Being passive and the resentful is not nice. He's being prow tive with his bit and most likely won't mind that you are too. If he does give you a hard time then, tlI agree that there is a problem.

Was he like this when the other children were born? What was he like before the baby was born? He's def being selfish not you BTW.

I couldn’t live like that. Honestly you have 4 kids at home including a newborn and he thinks it’s ok to socialise (in and out the house) several times a week?
Then when you raise it as a concern he informs you that you’re being controlling and oh all his work friends think so too.
Honestly, what are you getting from this relationship? What support do you get when he is home? Does he do any early mornings on the weekends etc? Give you a lie in or a chance to have a nice quiet uninterrupted shower etc? I’m guessing no.

WHY DO WOMEN ENTERTAIN THIS SHIT???
It makes me furious. Sit him down when all the kids are in bed / asleep and tell him you need a regular slot of time to yourself. You need more support. You need time to heal from the birth and you’re already starting to feel PND creeping in.

If he doesn’t immediately offer ways to make this happen then you really, really have to consider your future with this person, because if he can’t support and care for you at the most vulnerable time we have as women, then he will never support and care for you.