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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have expected more...

57 replies

Miztry · 25/07/2019 17:25

I have recently left my job, I had made one chum imparticular during that time; who had been a shoulder and a huge support.
I left a thank you card and a gift as a token of thanks and got such a blasé response.

I was hoping for a meaningful goodbye or a card but nothing. Am I being self entitled?..

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 17:26

How long had you worked there?

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 17:43

A few years and I had worked with this colleague prior to that too.

OP posts:

SagAloojah · 25/07/2019 18:02

What was the response and how was it made e.g. by text?

Are you their particular chum too? Could they be upset at you leaving?

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:13

At work we have been good chums, we keep in touch sporadically outside of work etc.

The response was made in passing, it was a quick 'thanks for the gift'.. Nothing more, not even time for me to say you are welcome.

I am very underwhelmed by the response, as I had been quite thoughtful in buying something that would have a slight bit of sentiment and reflect how grateful I was for them helping me find my again and equally not indulging my miseries.

I thought, that if they were upset by my leaving they may have text or emailed a thanks.. Unfortunately I have made myself feel worse by bringing the lack of any sort of goodbye, not a gift as I don't care for that sort of thing, but words are so important,; to their attention and because that was ignored, I have found myself needing to apologise for the way it has left me feeling.
Those apologies have also been ignored.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 25/07/2019 18:15

What??

NorthEndGal · 25/07/2019 18:19

Wait, so you were leaving, you gave a colleague a goodbye card and gift, they said thank you, but didn't let you say you're welcome, and didn't have a leaving card for you.
Now you say you brought it to their attention? What did you say? Was it by text

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:19

It reads quite succinctly bar the slight spag issue.

I left a colleague a gift, to thank them for making a difference to my life.
We were, I thought, quite good chums.

The response to the gift was underwhelming.
And no effort was made to say goodbye.
I thought that even if they were upset, they could at least muster a card, text or something to say goodluck. Bye bye.

I decided to let them know that I felt disappointed by the lack of acknowledgement and that has been ignored.
I then felt as though I was being unreasonable, so have apologised for being self entitled. That was then ignored.

OP posts:

15YemenRoad · 25/07/2019 18:30

OP, this person did say thank you for the gift though? I understand it may not have been made into a big of a deal as you expected but they were not impolite and did actually thank you for the gift.

I think now that you have said what you have, most people may not respond as they would wonder what they did wrong as they did thank you for the gift? Then the apology afterwards just adds more confusion.

This person has done a lot for you it appears, you did a nice thing and they thanked you. It could quite easily have ended just there.

I get it can suck that more effort is not made when we leave a place but don't let this ruin a friendship. You never know, this person could have contacted you outside of working hours to still meet up and remain friends. They may have imagined the relationship was not over as you two are friends outside of work also.

I made a good friend at a place I worked previously, when she left I was going to miss her but I didn't worry too much as I considered her an actual friend by that point and knew I would still speak to her and see her. Maybe this person felt the same? It was not a goodbye for me at all.

Passthecherrycoke · 25/07/2019 18:33

It all sounds like it’s got a bit messy with you going back to them and telling them how upset you were

I would try to forget about it I mean presuming you’re good friends you’ll still see each other? Maybe that’s why your friend didn’t think it was a big deal?

HollowTalk · 25/07/2019 18:35

If you are leaving, you should get the present!

Goodgollymiss · 25/07/2019 18:40

You sound exhausting tbh

NoBaggyPants · 25/07/2019 18:42

I decided to let them know that I felt disappointed by the lack of acknowledgement and that has been ignored.

I wouldn't respond to such a silly message either.

She's a colleague. She's no longer your colleague. Best to move on now.

Thunderouslight · 25/07/2019 18:42

Did you receive a leaving card at all? From anyone?
If not I dont think that's particularly kind.
At my work we at least all sign a leaving card.

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:43

I wanted to show that I was grateful for their support both in work and the encouragement that they gave me to find myself again after a little mid life blip. It felt like an important acknowledgement to make, as it is nice to know that as people we cna have such an impact.
I guess I was crestfallen as I had expected, a little more than just a generic thanks etc.

I know that I have likely made things messy but I felt so utterly sad about the lack of effort or goodbye and now I imagine they aren't overly happy with me. Assumed by the lack of response.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 25/07/2019 18:44

You sound like extremely hard work with no real self-awareness to be honest.

They probably don’t know what to say to such weird intensity.

I’d leave it now. What can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:45

I'm not sure how it is exhausting.
It would be exhausting if I was calling, emailed or persistently asking them things etc. It would be exhausting if it were unrelenting.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2019 18:46

I think the friendship means more to you than her.

You sounds quite anxious/needy which might be hard work for a colleague.

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:47

How is it intense.

From someone who had previously made lots of effort to then become quite distant at such a pivotol time is disconcerting.

I had asked am I being unreasonable, not a character profile.
So you could say yes/no because of such and such but don't pick my personality apart.

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 25/07/2019 18:47

Maybe the friendship was more one-sided than you had perceived.
Either way I think you may have put a nail in the coffin with your response. I mean, really, buying a gift and then questioning the level of gratitude because it wasn't gushing enough for you? That's not gift giving. Even if I had been very grateful for the present, that would have tarnished it beyond words. Reading between the lines it's quite an emotionally needy thing to do. Maybe you have been more emotionally draining for the colleague than you realised?

TruffleShuffles · 25/07/2019 18:47

If I was your colleague I would be a bit pissed off with you after your last message showing your disappointment. You say they have given you a lot of support and help with a difficult time and for you to be arsey over something so trivial is a bit out of order.

You mention that you keep in touch out of work so maybe the colleague wouldn’t have thought to make a big deal out of you leaving as they would have expected to keep in touch with you anyway.

Gazelda · 25/07/2019 18:50

I'm afraid you've overstepped the mark.
From your friend's POV
A colleague left work. Colleague gave a small gift and heartfelt card as they were departing.
How embarrassing, I didn't give them a gift!
Then, colleague contacted me to say she was disappointed in my reaction to gift and her leaving. Again, I'm so embarrassed. I didn't get her a gift, and have also hurt her feelings with my reaction.
Then, colleague contacted me again to apologise for over reacting.
I just don't know what to say now, it's all a bit cringe.
Hopefully we'll both behave like former colleagues if we bump into each other again, rather than bring up all this emotional angst.

icelollycraving · 25/07/2019 18:50

I think you have misread the relationship. They thanked you. You were clearly expecting more. It certainly won’t happen now. Yabu,

Original poster

Miztry · 25/07/2019 18:51

I hadn't messaged to query the reaction to the gift

I had messaged to say that I felt disappointed and sad that there had been no real goodbye. Not why weren't you jumping up and down when I gave you a present.

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 25/07/2019 18:52

I suspect they were embarrassed. Tbh the whole scenario sounds mortifying.

Yesicancancan · 25/07/2019 18:53

Sounds quite one sided, not meaning to be harsh but are you quite insecure? Low self esteem? Thinking you don’t deserve people to be decent to you?
Sounds like this colleague supported you, but it was in their nature to support anyone they felt in need. Perhaps you read more into it than they expected.
Good luck in your new job.
Yanbu to be upset nobody acknowledged your leaving after working for a few years. That is shit.
Just leave things with this colleague, if they contact you... great. If hey don’t, sounds like they weren’t right for you to not understand how their action effected you.

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