Moving on from infertility

[Mookie81]

Hi all, posted in Infertility but no responses. Also posted on Chat with very few responses (thank you to those who have replied), so thought I'd try here. Maybe it's because it's not about a neighbour's bins or a CF, who knows .

After a failed cycle in 2017 I don't feel like I can face another round. My husband feels the same. I don't feel like I want one anymore. We're 37 and 40, we have a nice life together and the longer it goes on the less I feel like I want the disruption and impact of a child. I also have a real fear of having a child with needs. I only really feel wistful for my mum not getting a grandchild from me (although I have siblings that will give her a chance)!
How have you all come to terms with being a childless (or childfree) couple?

No advice on this I'm afraid but hopefully someone will come along who has

You could try counselling.

Hi @Mookie81. I understand. We just felt like, if just getting pregnant, which is supposed to be the easy, fun bit, is this bad, how am I going to cope with pregnancy and how are we going to cope with being parents. Stepping off the treadmill was actually a huge relief. We made the most of the positives, spontaneity, freedom, more money, more time. I also realised I had a very rose tinted view of motherhood and family life generally! I wish you all the best.

It sounds like you've already moved on? Is it more that you feel you should still be trying, rather than you want to?

Maybe a good test would be to imagine, being as truthful to yourself as you can, how you would feel if you were to find out you were pregnant tomorrow...? If there's a part of you that would be absolutely elated then perhaps you need to admit to yourself that you're not over it. Maybe you're just completely exhausted by the process and need to take a break? Or you might decide you're not entirely over it, but you're ready to work through any feelings of grief etc. and move on, in which case counselling may well be helpful.

How does your partner feel about it?

My best friend said nearly the same thing at exactly the same age. She now has a little one month old miracle

My best friend said nearly the same thing at exactly the same age. She now has a little one month old miracle

I don’t think this type of anecdote is at all helpful in these circumstances.

I apologise, meant no offence. Infertility is terrible.

My best friend said nearly the same thing at exactly the same age. She now has a little one month old miracle

Really, really not helpful

Especially when OP is asking for help with coming to terms with being childfree!

Do you mind me asking how many ivf rounds you have had and if you know what your fertility issues are?! Did you have any viable eggs for freezing etc? The reason I ask is because IVF is extremely unlikely to work on the first try and part of the process is that each round your treatment plan gets tweaked. I have three children - two by IVF (first at almost 37 second almost 39) and the last one as a natural surprise (when almost 41 years old)! I understand how hard it is mentally and physically - really I do. I can be soul destroying and devastating. I can’t help but wonder if part of your thought process is a defence mechanism to protect yourself from the heartache. I almost got to your point and I was lucky (in relation to number of rounds) but in other ways the odds were really stacked against us (was told I only had a 10% chance of having a baby ever - not per round). I was exactly also concerned about having a child with needs due to my age but you can get nifty tests (and similar) early on and I know in the press it focuses on older mums being more at risk but when you look at the statistics for your age now it’s not
something I would let be determinative as to whether or not to go forward.

It's not a matter of being offended, it's about your comment being insensitive, thoughtless, inconsiderate, inappropriate, crass... And just generally displaying a lack of understanding and empathy.

Not quite the same because I do have one child. I hope it’s not insensitive to comment about secondary infertility?

I feel the same as you; after several life threatening miscarriages which ended up in hospital stays and several surgeries, we have decided enough is enough. I feel like you do, that the longer it goes on the more disruptive a baby would be etc.

I’m in the stage of acknowledgement but not yet acceptance. I know now that we will never have another child, our family will never be complete, but I have yet to accept it. I don’t know how one moves from acknowledging to accepting but I can Only assume it takes honesty and compassion towards ourselves.

We have no kids. Miscarriage at 41.

Enjoying life, we’re both quite independent. Most of my friends have kids, so I know how hard family life can be...

And how lovely. My sister just had a baby & she’s wonderful. I still think about it. We’re at peace, but I sometimes wonder if this is it...

the less I feel like I want the disruption and impact of a child. I also have a real fear of having a child with needs

All children have needs. I don’t mean that patronisingly, I know you meant a child with additional needs but honestly, even the most typically developing, hitting every milestone neurotypical DC have emotional, physical, and psychological needs that are all encompassing and basically take over your life/body/headspace!

I spent a time where it looked like children wouldn’t happen for us so I genuinely faced this question to and being the information seeker that I am I trawled the internet reading all of our options: IVF, egg or sperm donor, surragacy, adoption or accepting our child free status (I found the website moretolife quite useful to read) and after lots of thinking decided that we’d be ok as a family of 2. We’d travel, spend time together, develop at work, I’d focus on nurturing things other than a child like our garden or maybe a dog and explore my creative outlets that had fallen by the wayside like painting and life drawing. I knew we’d “be ok” and sort of made my peace with it.

I’m sure I’ll sound like a cow for saying it and it’s hard to truely appreciate it when you don’t have children that you desperately want but I say this as someone who struggled to get and then to stay pregnant, having DC isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Which I knew before I had them - I didn’t have a rose tinted Instagram view of Dc, I used to work in HVing and saw the negative impact on families, on women, on their mental health and relationships. But it’s still hard when you’re living it. Maybe it’s because I’m a SAHM so have no real balance but I’ve lost a lot of what I used to enjoy. What made me “me”. I feel a lot like I am just here to meet my DCs needs and can feel a bit invisible sometimes.

I’m sure once the baby is sleeping better and we’re over the hump of eldest starting school things will improve but sometimes I desperately miss my old life with DH. Where we had time for each other. To have a conversation. To watch a film. To drink wines to lie in on Saturdays and wander into town on sundays for a leisurely lunch. To travel to foreign cities and just wander around. To just sit quietly and just “be”

I hope that hasn’t come across as horribly insensitive

@thetimekeeper you are obviously more unreasonable than I am. I have profound empathy for everyone woman and man going through this terrible process. You totally misunderstood my message. I apologised to the OP as no offence was intended, but if you feel the need to interrupt her thread to insult me, please go and look yourself in the mirror. I wish you, OP all the very best, sincerely

OP we were the same age as you after our fourth unsuccessful IVF cycle . I'm so glad now that we stopped. It was such a relief. We'll always feel a sense of sadness about being childless but we have a good life, and enjoy loads of things that wouldn't be possible if we had children. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

We have had 5 rounds of ivf and 4 miscarriages overall. We're not particularly young and the trauma of it all makes us think fuck it. But then we think about adoption...and actually occasionally it feels OK, the majority of the time it seems like more trauma.

In conclusion, we get where you're coming from

I'm 31 and coming from 3+ years of infertility and recurrent MC I sometimes wish I was older so I could decide to just stop. It is so overwhelming at times, and the pressure to continue as 'it's all worth it' makes me angry. Maybe I'm just bitter but I know exactly where you are coming from. I hope you get peace from whatever you decide

Mookie as a PP said, it sounds as though you are already moving on. Why are you questioning yourself?

Maybe ask yourself these questions:
Why did you want a child in the first place?
Is what you already have 'enough'? Are you perfectly fine as you are?
Do you feel like you 'owe' DM a grandchild?
Do you feel societal pressure to reproduce?
Are you looking at other posts talking about how you never get over infertility and wondering if this is how you should be feeling?

My hopes for a child came to an abrupt end when I was 38. To be honest I don’t really care. I’ve certainly not felt the anguish that some infertile people suffer. I just get on with my life and have a lot of fun. If I’d had a child I wouldn’t be able to do half the things I do now. I see it as a lucky escape.

Apology accepted.
I've had 1 round. But the transfer day was the worst day of my life and I don't think I can do it over again in case the same thing happens. My husband is on the same page which is good in that we aren't at odds over our situation.
I feel the odd twinge when I see a pregnant woman, but I also think it's possibly a case of wanting a baby but not necessarily what comes after (which probably means I dont really want children).
I suppose what I'm asking is how did you communicate to others you were done with IVF and letting nature take its course?

GibbonLover good questions, thanks.
Thanks to everyone who's replied.

My brother and sister in law got together in their late 30s (second marriage for my brother) they tried for kids and had a miscarriage, they considered having tests and possibly ivf when they realised it wasn’t happening at 38/39 but decided it wasn’t for them. My brother then had the snip. My sister in law was overly open communicating what they had decided, she told my sister and mum my brother had had the snip as though it was a none event. I think this was her way of saying “please stop asking, we are definitely done with trying”. We all know it’s never going to happen so it’s never been mentioned again since.

They have amazing holidays 4 a year at least, a huge house and live life to the full. We have 2 children a much smaller house and 1 holiday abroad a year. I guess being childfree does have it’s benefits.

My husband and I were going through IVF journey.
Our local ART (artificial reproductive technology) team had a group of people on the same journey.

People talked about life after giving up IVf, as it can be all consuming.
The people who presented were fabulous. Moving to s cool loft apartment in the city where they could enjoy theatre, concerts, bars etc.
Another- set up a dog rescue.
Another- bought a small holding
Another- adopted from China
Another- decided to just travel.

It was so helpful as it meant we could see other options, and the future felt hopeful.

(However, we went for our 3rd and final cycle, and have one child)

We are reaching this situation too. We are 45 and 52 but very youthful. It has been a very difficult decision to reach but I do believe it is the right decision for us.
My husband is 1 of 9 and I am 1 of 5 and we have 19 nieces abs nephews and another one the way. I went through 13 years of infertility treatment with my first husband and now 7 years with my current husband. I am concerned about long-term health benefits.
But I’m actually feeling relieved and looking forward to a shift in focus and enjoying other aspects of life. When I was 30 I had a breakdown and was hospitalized. I stopped talking except to say “if this is all life has to offer me, they can have this life back because I don’t want it”. But I am gradually coming to acceptance that pleasure in life can he achieved through other things. I have a very good job that affords us a very comfortable lifestyle of travel, a nice garden that we are enjoying working on. And we are enjoying being the “cool aunt and uncle” (words of our 2 oldest nephews) to the children.

It’s hard because it goes against all expectation to be childless. It is rarely in the plan from the beginning. It’s a huge shift. But we are very happy together and I wouldn’t change anything.

@PotatoBasher that sounds amazing. Well done to your ART team for seeing that embracing childfreedom is a valid option for moving on from infertilty.