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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teens and summer nights

32 replies

bellylaughs · 24/07/2019 23:25

DD15 (will be 16 in 3weeks) is loving life at the moment, just finished GCSEs off to Reading etc.

However, her social life since the exams has included lots of social events in the weekday evenings which means DH or I have to pick her up around 11-12pm around 2-3 times a week and stay up later than we would normally do with work the next day etc.

DH thinks IABU accepting this as normal teenage summer life and that DD should come home earlier - around 10 (and then could get the train) so that we could go to bed normal time for work the next day.

Who is BU? I feel it’s only a few weeks and during term time she only goes out late at weekends so not really a problem. But DH is tired and resentment is setting in. Even if I do the pick up he can’t get to sleep as if only wake him when I come in so we’re both up either way.

OP posts:
Anonmummyoftwo · 24/07/2019 23:29

Could she arrange to stay at a friends one night. What about her friends parents do they have the same issue if so what about taking turns picking them up. Other than just stopping her social life ask she cuts down a small bit. Only one weekday night out late. I understand you want her to unwind and relax. Hopefully somethings sorted to keep everyone happy

Original poster
bellylaughs · 24/07/2019 23:34

Thanks Anon, she does stay the night sometimes but even with that it still happens a lot. The trouble is all her friends live in the opposite direction to us from the town they socialise in so unless there’s a sleepover planned she’s coming home on her own.

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 24/07/2019 23:44

I've had this as the only driver - I'm mum taxi - my DD is now 17.

I think you need to really think about what you think is reasonable for your teenager and what is your own wants/needs.

Your DD has just (presumably) worked hard and had a stressful time for her GCSEs and is looking forward to her summer. Unless we're super-rich (or marry into it) we don't get this chunk of freedom very often in our lives.

This time a year ago, I thought my DD deserved it. I was also very acutely aware that she'd be learning to drive soon, and the chats we have in the car would dry up. That's one of our good talking times, so I was aware I'd miss it when it stopped.

IMHO, what you're thinking at the moment is the teen equivalent of the new parents who say "OMG... looking after a baby is sooooo boring: Do I really have to build endless towers and listen to the same crappy music and watch the same godawful tv and sing those horrendous songs and read the same fucking books over and over and do make-believe play"
They're not wrong... it's mind-numbing.
And... No, you don't have to do any of it. But then there's good parenting. What kind of parent do you want to be?

Original poster
bellylaughs · 25/07/2019 00:19

Red I completely agree with you, and deep down I think my DH does too. It’s just he moans a lot about itSad

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 25/07/2019 00:47

The thing is, Belly as tedious or inconvenient as it is, at your child's age you can see over the top of the hill that is their childhood and you can see where it all ends.

If your child goes away to Uni, then you've got...what... 3 years left? 2?

They're going to be gone. I'd say make the most. Yes it's inconvenient and a pain. But my god, aren't we going to miss it when it's gone!

MrsBirkett · 25/07/2019 00:55

I got up early when my ds was in college so he could get the 6:10 bus. I hated it but 10years on I appreciate that special time we had together. A particular song was always on the radio and hearing it now brings back such memories. The different stages seem so hard at the time but they are such short times in our children's lives.

WhyTho · 25/07/2019 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tavannach · 25/07/2019 01:23

I think if she's worked hard for her GCSEs you should pick her up over the summer. A-levels are harder. Going into them she should feel that life has some joy in it, and that hard work is rewarded. Remind your DH of why you're picking her up. It's so she gets home safely.

TwistyTop · 25/07/2019 04:19

I wouldn't pick her up so late if I had work the next day, unless it was a special occasion.

Just agree a suitable time that works for everyone. If you need to be in bed for 10:30 then pick her up at 10. If it's the weekend then maybe you can pick her up later. Maybe she can stay with a friend sometimes so you don't need to pick her up? There are loads of sensible options here. I don't think that's being a bad parent.

Original poster
bellylaughs · 25/07/2019 08:18

Thanks everyone, the different opinions on here reflect exactly the debate DH and I are having... it’s made me realise neither of us is being completely U!!

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 25/07/2019 08:28

I would discuss it altogether and see what compromise can be made.
E.g. one weekday and one weekend night you’ll collect otherwise she has to make her own way home or arrange to stay out?

CherryPavlova · 25/07/2019 08:31

No I’d agree a number of later nights but not every night.

Then again, I wouldn’t have let an under eighteen go to Reading and I expected mine to be working in some way for most of the summer.

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/07/2019 08:49

Well thank you all for making me cry! It really feels like it's all going too fast.
If you are happy to pick her up then pick her up then that's ok, I would set a limit though.
What exactly is waking your husband though? Maybe you could sleep in a different room if that is what is waking him, or get him some ear plugs?

Saltisford · 25/07/2019 09:51

When I was that age and doing the same thing, I got taxis home...

alwayscoffee · 25/07/2019 10:19

Buy her a bicycle then she can get herself home.

tigerlily111 · 25/07/2019 10:30

What is a 15year old doing til midnight 3x a week. Where is she and what is she up to

RushianDisney · 25/07/2019 11:03

I think it would be a shame to curtail her freedom during such a formative period of her life. My parents made me work (if no paid work to be found I had to do volunteering) during my summer holidays from 14 because it was 'character building', it just meant I felt really alone and struggled with friendships the next term as people had become closer friends over the summer when I hadn't been around. I really really resent it as an adult, because not only did I miss out on fun, all the shitty jobs I had do not 'look good on my CV'. They are millionaires so there was no financial need for me to work and miss out on normal teenage summer antics.

Staying up late to pick up a teen is surely not as exhausting as being up all night with a baby or toddler, she will be leaving home soon I'd suck it up as it's only temporary.

herculepoirot2 · 25/07/2019 11:09

I couldn’t stay up until midnight once if I tried, let alone 3 times a week. I would say she needs to get a part time job and fund a cab, or your DH needs to do it himself, or you need to agree a number of occasions you are happy to pick her up late, or she needs to come home earlier.

herculepoirot2 · 25/07/2019 11:10

And she wouldn’t be going to Reading until next year or the following.

moomoogalicious · 25/07/2019 11:15

I'm with your DH. My Dd is the same age and there's no way I'd be picking her up at midnight on a weekday 2 or 3 times a week. She's old enough to make her own way home either in a taxi/train/bike.

PookieDo · 25/07/2019 11:16

I know I was just coming on to say this 15 yo is not an adult I don’t understand why she is living an adult lifestyle without the means to actually live it - ie needs mum and dad to facilitate it all

My DD is nearly 17 and has left after GCSE’s, she goes out, sees her friends, earns some money in her job but she’s not out till midnight 3 nights a week nor is she going to a festival. She will be in education for 2 more years so I do not feel it’s appropriate for them to suddenly cram in as much adult experiences or behaviour as possible just because they did some exams. They have 2 more long summer holidays (and more if uni) and my DD wants to go travelling when she is older so She’s watching her money!

Pulipatchouli · 25/07/2019 11:17

I would definitely NOT be driving late mid week to pick up teenager.

A key part in parenting is teaching your child not to be entitled, and to understand the needs of the whole family. Teens are notoriously self- focused....
I would set a limit of say two parental pick ups per week and get her to budget for that.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 25/07/2019 11:22

My parenting philosophy has always been that no one person's needs trumps another in our family. (apart from tiny babies needs to be up at 4am when grown-ups are trying to sleep of course!).

If you feel that you can pick her up then do so, but set a limit. Twice a week midweek is enough. Then set up a taxi account or uber account and have her use her allowance or pay some money towards it.

I was factoring taxis into my plans from the age of 12 because my parents didn't drive and though my childhood was difficult in lots of ways, I have no issues with that part of it.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 25/07/2019 11:23

Is she out and about til midnight or at a friends house? 15 is really young to have the freedom to do whatever until midnight. My teen years weren’t that long ago and I’d be worried what was going on. She could end up in situations she later regrets.

TheTrollFairy · 25/07/2019 11:26

Inconvenient- yes
Will it last forever - no

The age your DD is now was the best time of my life and although it’s a pain in the ass, it’s only for a short time and it makes sure your DD gets home safely.

You could limit it to 1 night in the week if you wanted? Or you could tell her she needs to get a job and pay for a taxi back home if that’s a workable solution on some of the nights l?

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