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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact arrangements with ex PiLS

37 replies

JellyCatFish · 24/07/2019 13:19

I'm a lone parent to 5 year old dd. Her dad lives and works abroad, and sees her once every few months . His parents are in their early seventies and in poor health, and due to the fact that they smoke heavily and their house is awful, I don't let dd visit.

Therefore, contact has been taking place at my house once a week for a few hours, where I make myself scarce. I don't like them being in my house and I feel like I'm a guest when I come back - it's all very awkward.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them that I want contact to take place elsewhere from now on? I want dd to have a relationship with them and don't want to upset anyone, but her going there is not an option and this arrangement just isn't working for me anymore.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

Hooferdoofer37 · 24/07/2019 13:27

Tell them they are welcome to see their grandchild when their son (your ex) arranges it and attends the meeting (preferably not at their smoke-filled house).

The best thing about splitting up is that his family is no longer any of your concern.

Take that weight off your shoulders and put it on his; happy days!

CalmdownJanet · 24/07/2019 13:28

Definitely nbu!

Pikapikachooo · 24/07/2019 13:30

What’s the option
Though ?

She can’t go there
You don’t like them coming to yours

So fine to change this but what’s the alternative ?? Remember as annoying as it is it’s does mean that DD feels loved

Hooferdoofer37 · 24/07/2019 13:34

The option is that her father returns more frequently and spends more time with his parents & daughter.

This is not the OPs problem to resolve.

Drum2018 · 24/07/2019 13:35

Why are you facilitating this and making yourself scarce in your own house? You don't have to do this. Why not meet in a cafe or at a play centre/park? I wouldn't have them visiting unless I got on well with them and I enjoyed their visits - sounds like this is not the case. Your ex chose to live abroad and have sporadic visits to his child. Why do you feel obliged to maintain a relationship with his family and entertain his parents? Let him organise time with dd and his parents when he's home.

Tavannach · 24/07/2019 14:05

Sorry, but I think YABU.
They are already coming to you. Surely there are some errands you could do while they're visiting. Couldn't you go into the bedroom if you want to stay in. Or perhaps you could all mix together.

GabsAlot · 24/07/2019 14:10

Youve been wrong to make yourself scarce from your own home-if they want to see her they can take her to the park or somewhere to eat its not up to you to facilitate this

TeenTimesTwo · 24/07/2019 14:10

Is there an 'activity' they could take her to, then out to lunch/cafe?
e.g. They pick her up at 9:30am, take her to football/ballet/swimming, for an hour or so, then on to a café for a snack. So it becomes 'their thing' on a Saturday morning and she gets to do an activity too?

CurbsideProphet · 24/07/2019 14:13

Really her father be putting himself out to make sure his parents spend time with his parents. You have been very accommodating and to be it sounds fair to say this isn't working for you any more.

Original poster

JellyCatFish · 24/07/2019 14:18

Thanks for your responses - it helps to get other people's views on this. It frustrates me because her dad should be here facilitating this and I don't feel like I should have to deal with it. I have been using the time to run errands etc but now I feel like I'm being a bit if a mug. I think I'm going to suggest that they meet at a cafe or play area or whatever. Although when I've suggested this in the past they say that dd gets distracted by other things and they don't get to spend much time with her

OP posts:

Lazydaisies · 24/07/2019 14:20

I think what you are doing is great and really in the best interest of your daughter. I think there are probably workable tweaks such as them meeting her in a coffee shop once/twice a month but otherwise I think on the whole I’d leave it. They are in poor health, they are still making the effort. It won’t go on forvever. These arrangements always change eventually.

DishingOutDone · 24/07/2019 14:32

Does your DD actually enjoy her time with them? Do they make her feel loved?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 24/07/2019 14:37

In hindsight you should never have facilitated this contact arrangement with them in the first place- it’s up to your ex to resolve.

Disregarding that I don’t see why they have to come to your house- no way should you feel like an outsider in your own home. Could they take her out to tea once a week after school? They still get to spend time with her but on your turf.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 24/07/2019 14:38

But on your terms. The heat is affecting my typing in a bad way

Fifthtimelucky · 24/07/2019 14:42

I disagree with many posters. Given that your ex lives abroad, I think it is right for you to facilitate this contact, and I think you've been doing a good job.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to change the arrangements so that your ex parents in law no longer come to your house, and I quite see why you wouldn't want your daughter go to their house. A park, cafe etc is fine.

Cherrysoup · 24/07/2019 14:50

I think I'm going to suggest that they meet at a cafe or play area or whatever. Although when I've suggested this in the past they say that dd gets distracted by other things and they don't get to spend much time with her

Tough. It wont be long before your dd wants to see friends instead of grandparents. I think your idea above is perfect.

Waveysnail · 24/07/2019 14:56

Perhaps suggest soft play or even taking her to a lesson in the morning like swimming/gymnastics/martial arts - whatever and then they can have lunch with her then bring her home

Waveysnail · 24/07/2019 14:57

Or a more interactive activity like pottery painting workshop or craft type class

Shoxfordian · 24/07/2019 15:05

Not your job to facilitate it so stop making plans

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2019 15:15

If this relationship benefits your DD then it is your job to facilitate it.

I didn't know half of my family thanks to my Mother, it's something i always resented her for.

I can see their piv and it's good that tjey are interested in her enough to want to talk about things.

Otherwise the odd trip to the cinema etc could be slotted in.

stucknoue · 24/07/2019 15:23

Can you not use this time as "me time"? It's a good thing to allow her to see her grandparents, and whilst their lifestyle choices and abilities mean that it's not ideal, surely knowing you have a few hours to run errands, get your hair cut, have coffee with a friend, find a quiet spot in the park and read a book is a good thing, just work on not feeling awkward on your return. I do understand what they mean by they wouldn't spend as much time with her at soft play etc - but perhaps they could come to you fortnightly and go elsewhere in between.

NoSauce · 24/07/2019 15:26

I think once a week is a lot to have them in your house so understand why you’d feel put out. Could you say to them they can come every other weekend instead?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 24/07/2019 15:31

Tough. It wont be long before your dd wants to see friends instead of grandparents. I think your idea above is perfect.

How awful, that the opinion is to isolate a child out from 50% of her background.

@Ponoka7 is quite correct to voice the feeling of resentment such isolation can cause - I didn't know half of my family thanks to my Mother, it's something i always resented her for.

I do think, then thinking out side the box, and taking her to a park or cinema, as suggested, then out for something to eat, is the way forward. Thing is, you may not like or approve of their house, but (assuming ex has PR) there is very little you could do about it if he chose to take her there.

GabsAlot · 24/07/2019 16:31

they cant keep her fomr paying that silly and also not your problem-gtheyre luck they see her at all

GabsAlot · 24/07/2019 16:34

Iask its not op to facitilate contact its their son

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