Contact arrangements with ex PiLS

[JellyCatFish]

I'm a lone parent to 5 year old dd. Her dad lives and works abroad, and sees her once every few months . His parents are in their early seventies and in poor health, and due to the fact that they smoke heavily and their house is awful, I don't let dd visit.

Therefore, contact has been taking place at my house once a week for a few hours, where I make myself scarce. I don't like them being in my house and I feel like I'm a guest when I come back - it's all very awkward.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them that I want contact to take place elsewhere from now on? I want dd to have a relationship with them and don't want to upset anyone, but her going there is not an option and this arrangement just isn't working for me anymore.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Can they maybe take her out her out for the day instead? Cinema or maybe lunch, museums maybe? If that's not a possibility and your dd loves spending time with them then tbh I would leave the arrangements as it it for your dds benefit. I would stop making yourself scarce when they turn up though, it's your home.

How come they can manage to come to your house to see your DD for a few hours and not smoke if they are heavy smokers?

I think you've been daft in letting them visit at yours yet made yourself scarce. You are handing control over to them. You clearly don't like them so don't have them in your home.

I would suggest they take your your DD out to a park or soft play area every other week and on alternate weeks pop into yours for coffee and see your child for an hour or so (with you present). It will be better for your child to see you at least being civil with her grandparents. Don't leave your house while they are there.

I'm sure they will be aware that you do not have to allow them access to their grandchild so they should be as amenable as possible to your requests.

As an aside, do you have a passport for your child and have you registered with the passport service to ensure a replacement can't be obtained so that she could be taken out of the country against your wishes?

Agree with others, there's facilitating a relationship but this is crazy.
Once a week is so intrusive it's madness.

I don’t see why you have to leave if they come to you. You live there. They can come and visit both of you, or take her somewhere such as a cafe

Are you sure that they can afford to take her out somewhere? Just thinking that may be why they are reluctant to do so. Or they may worry that they can't keep up with her, eg if she got stuck at soft play, or ran away for a joke.
Fwiw, I think you are doing a great job trying to help DD build a relationship with her grandparents when their DS can't be bothered.

Does your daughter enjoy the company of these people??

And once a week is far too much. Do not feel guilty about changing this set up to suit you more.

Yeah they could definitely afford it. I'm having counselling at the moment (for other things) and I'm learning so much about myself - mainly that I let people take advantage because I'm too afraid to speak up and be assertive. I do want what's best for dd and I don't want contact to stop completely but I feel like I'm going too far above and beyond for this when, like a pp said, their own son can't be bothered.

Dd enjoys their visits because they bring loads of junk and hype her up for when I return . I think she's more interested in the treats they bring rather than them as people.

The best thing about splitting up is that his family is no longer any of your concern.

Could not disagree more. This child is not a possession that belongs to one side or the other . You child has not divorced or separated from her grandparents .. they are HER grandparents!

I agree with those who say well done. Good on you for not 'taking sides'. This is how people put their children's interests first and not score points off each other.

Please keep doing what you are doing OP. You daughter will thank you for it as long as she enjoys granny and grandpa visiting her.

Just try and be a bit more creative with your time. Especially if they are reliable. Hundreds of posts on here about lone parents never getting a moment for themselves.. just plan it and enjoy it. Meet a friend during the visit. Go shopping , go for a walk. Join a class or get a hobby. A few hours a week away from a child should be looked forward to and embraced !! .. I think if you have a fun and enjoyable thing planned - then GPs visiting will be looked forward to not dreaded .

I think you sound like a lovely mum and what a fab thing you’re doing for your DD. Perhaps as PP have suggested you could meet up out of the home (park, library, soft play) and this would make it easier for both you, DD and the grandparents. Remember it’s all about your little girl and making her feel loved and special.

I disagree with most posters and totally agree with @Fontofnoknowledge. I bet if it was the other way around, with a father having a child and not wanting the maternal grandparents to visit everyone would be up in arms about it!
It is important for the child to have contact with her paternal grandparents, especially in her father’s absence. And how ridiculous to expect the father to sort it from abroad.
If you find once a week too much of a commitment then suggest every other week, though I don’t think them taking the child to an activity is right - they want contact, not to be chauffeurs. A park is fine in good weather though if in poor health this may not be practical unless you go too.
I don’t think you are doing anything more than you should.

Dial it back to once a fortnight then once a month.

You said they take over your house for "a few hours." What exactly happens when? What if you have other plans? Do you want to say no to the junk?