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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting of uniform costs

61 replies

MrsCollinssettled · 24/07/2019 12:55

DD starts new school in September (state but blazer, skirt, PE tops/bottoms are only available through local specialist shop). Exh and xILs have considerable form for promising to buy things and failing to deliver. Additionally they are no longer local.

I costed up everything that was going to be needed, plus stationery, school bag, shoes, trainers etc. The items from the specialist shop came to about 55% of the total. I agreed with xh that I would buy local stuff and he would be responsible for the rest as it was generic. Gave him the list of what he was getting on an access visit and then discovered that he'd "forgotten it". Emailed the list to him and told dd who was buying what.

XMIL has now been in touch to say that she doesn't know what to buy and could she just send a cheque. The list is very clear e.g. black opaque tights, plain white school shirts long sleeved, plain black shoes etc. I stuck to my guns and said that all she needed to do was take the list to say M&S/Tesco and a sports shop and they would be able to help. She kept trying to say that she wanted me to get it as it would all be my fault if she got the wrong thing. I kept reminding her that it was up to her son to ensure that his daughter had the right stuff, especially as his friend's would have children needing similar stuff so they could help.

WIBU to insist that they bought the non school specific stuff?

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 24/07/2019 13:58

So they have to buy things, ship them, then if there is a mistake or a poor size, will you ship them back to exchange?

Just take the money and knock out the shopping.

There are plenty of things where your x should be doing his share of the work, but not being local and needing to get correct sizes for things that will be used in your home is not the right task.

Sparklyring · 24/07/2019 13:59

You're being really ungrateful, just be pleased your ex-mil who has no responsibility to buy your child's uniform is offering to help.

HotChocolateLover · 24/07/2019 14:00

I’d have bitten her hand off when she offered the money! Not sure why you’re being so childish and insisting that she does it all herself. My ex-MIL could barely be bothered to see DS so money would have been gratefully received, especially since his father can’t even be bothered to pay maintenance.

AuntieStella · 24/07/2019 14:01

I would take the cheque, then take DD shopping and make sure that everything fits (or has the right amount of room to grown in to, not a ridiculous amount) and if there are any variations in cut/styling/tightness/length, you can get stuff that you both agree on (especially if school is nit-pickily strict)

Sirzy · 24/07/2019 14:04

So they are splitting costs. It’s makes much more sense for one person to take control of ensuring a everything is right

SavoyCabbage · 24/07/2019 14:05

If this is secondary school then your dd needs to be involved in choosing and trying on trainers, shoes etc. I understand that you are trying to make him do half the work but he’s not going to and your former MIL doesn’t want to get the wrong stuff.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 24/07/2019 14:06

Yep take the money and buy it yourself. She’ll need to try it in anyway won’t she, especially shoes?

SavoyCabbage · 24/07/2019 14:07

Also, it would be easier if she did the school uniform shop stuff online or over the phone than try to buy school shoes and stationary. There is no choice at the school uniform shop.

GreenTulips · 24/07/2019 14:11

Why are people assuming he can’t take DD shopping on his visits?

It’s not just the money it’s the time and effort required

UnapologeticallyUnsociable · 24/07/2019 14:27

XMIL has a point, guarenteed she'll get something wrong (wrong denier of tights, wrong size something else) and you will be pissed off. Much better to take the money and go and get the stuff yourself IMO. It's great that she's offered this help as it's not her responsibility.

adaline · 24/07/2019 14:30

I would have just taken the money.

It's not her fault your ex won't step up.

babysharkah · 24/07/2019 14:31

I would have just gratefully accepted the cheque. No doubt if she had bought stuff it would have been wrong.

CupoTeap · 24/07/2019 14:41

Sorry I would have taken the cheque- annoying as he should take responsibility.

fiorentina · 24/07/2019 15:29

Surely it’s easier to ensure it all fits correctly and is the right stuff if you buy it. I think they are being fair offering to send you a cheque. You can still order it all online or similar, surely won’t take too long?
Frustrating to have to do everything yourself but sometimes easier..

Pipandmum · 24/07/2019 15:36

If I had asked my husband to get part of the school uniform he wouldn’t have known where to start. ‘Charcoal trousers from Tesco’? Are they the cargo ones or the flat fronted or pleated? Is charcoal light grey or dark? You get the idea. As long as you got the money for it get it yourself. It’s petty insisting he (or in reality his mother) do it just so he takes ‘parental responsibility’. Would he have done it if you were still married?

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 24/07/2019 15:42

Your ex should deal with this, but your poor MIL ends up stuck in the middle. You could have just taken the cheque and be done with it.

HypatiaCade · 24/07/2019 15:44

Did your ex EVER deal with clothing etc when you were together? I'm guessing no, so why do you think he'd start now?

unmumsymumof2 · 24/07/2019 17:48

Accept the cheque and get it yourself. I'd be more than happy with that.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 24/07/2019 17:59

Your ex is legally only obliged to pay CMS so I think you're picking the wrong battle to fight over the uniform seeing as he and/or exMIL could just say "fine then, sort the school stuff out yourself" and there'd be nothing you could do about it. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Original poster
MrsCollinssettled · 24/07/2019 19:50

As I said in my OP they have form for offering to pay and not actually sending a cheque. If I had said yes to the cheque it is unlikely that I'd ever see it.

OP posts:
AliTheMinx · 24/07/2019 19:53

It's right that they should contribute, but far easier for her to give you the money and you buy exactly what you need for your DD. Then you know it's right. I don't see the issue? I'd far rather purchase it myself to be sure it was correct. I think you're being stubborn to make a point...

Original poster
MrsCollinssettled · 24/07/2019 19:53

therlodger in primary school they would promise help with the costs but other than 1 pair of shoes a year I didn't get contribution so I had to buy all of it.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/07/2019 20:00

They don’t send the money!!

Make them buy it, see how much of their time needs to be given to buy it.

Stand firm.

Original poster
MrsCollinssettled · 24/07/2019 20:06

Xh uses xmil as a bank so her offering to pay is quite common, although as I have said the money rarely materializes.

I thought I would try a different approach this year as buying everything will be a real stretch. Clearly this isn't a good plan.

BTW they will have her staying for a fortnight before school starts so able to check the fit of the clothes

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCollinssettled · 24/07/2019 20:12

Greentulips thank you for noticing that the cheque is unlikely to materialise.

I thought it was the easiest thing for me to get the stuff that will be a problem if it's wrong and them to get stuff like shirts and socks that you can get from a supermarket and where the fit isn't critical.

OP posts: