To ask about a second child

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Hi everyone,

This is a decision I am struggling with. Posting here for traffic. I'd be very grateful to hear your experiences and advice.

OH and I have a lovely DS. 25 months old. He is our world, makes us so happy. We have been flirting with the idea of having a 2nd one but I have some reservations, (and equally some excitations) about it.

Bit of backstory - DS had terrible colic in the beginning. Very high needs, needed to be next to me ALL the time. V stressful.
Also, both OH and I had turbulent childhoods. We're determined to never let our children go through something similar but there's a part of me that wonders if we would have been happier children without siblings?

So, please tell me your positives and less positives about having a 2nd child?

Having a second child was the making of me. They play together and genuinely love each other and it’s the most heartwarming thing to watch. I found myself to be more confident, relaxed and capable second time around. We had a small age gap and I felt I was already in the throes of parenting small ones so it didn’t add to the burden particularly. I wouldn’t change it for the world!

Don’t think about your son as you can’t predict how he’ll feel about having a sibling now and in the future. Think about whether you want another child, and if you can truly afford to give both children the type of lifestyle you want.

DS1 was and still is a very difficult child, very demanding. Severe reflux until he was 5 years old (waking him multiple times a night) and other health problems.

We had DS2 when DS1 was 2.6. To our surprise, it wasnt harder with 2 then just 1. DS2 actually diluted DS1 and made him less intense and difficult. He accepts that there is someone else in the family that has needs (he doesn't accept that me and DH do!!!) and having a little brother has brought out his caring side.

My 2.9 year old DS was also a very high needs baby and never slept. We had DD 4 months ago and she is an absolute delight. A totally different baby to DS and it hasn’t been any harder managing 2. DS is learning that he sometimes has to wait for my time/attention and he really does love her .

Thank you, these are all lovely to read!

DS still doesn't sleep through the night. He'll get there in his own time, I'm sure. Haven't had a full nights sleep for 2 years now but maybe, if I'm already used to that, it won't be so bad?

I definitely want another child. It's just when. There is a time pressure in that OH is 10 years older than me and he doesn't want to have another child too much later on. He's just in his 40s so it's pretty much within the next 2 years or so.

Can we afford another? I'm a SAHM at the moment but that can change. I'd be breastfeeding in the beginning. I'm going to start DS on potty training soon so the nappy budget will go straight to baby. OH has a brilliant job with plenty of overtime and night shift opportunities. I'm pretty sure we could manage - we've still got all the baby gear from DS.

So, from all these posts it's definitely a positive thing to have another!

Yep. More positives than negatives as far as I can see. I think older children benefit from having younger siblings and younger ones definitely benefit from older. Health and finances sound good for you to have another baby and if they struggle with colic etc you will cope as you’ve done so before- but I bet your number two will be half the work as you’re prepared.

Can't offer insight into having number 2 i'm afraid but we are very happy with our one DD, and with her being an only child. For us the decision was more financial, and we're happy with the choice we made.
In fact we can be downright smug when we see our friends struggling with their number2s!!

I think any time you have a child it’s a roll of the dice as you have no idea what they’ll be like. I clearly remember a friend telling me that having 2 was more than double the work of 1. And my DD1 was v hard work for the first few months (cluster feeder extraordinaire, non-napping, non-put-down-able etc). We went ahead anyway and I’m so glad we did - DD2 is the stereotypical chilled 2nd baby and DD1 loves having a sister to play with. No idea how their relationship will turn out long term but it’s so much easier this time even with 2 kids. In fact it’s gone so well I’m trying to talk DH into having a third...

Having my second child was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. First child has always been very demanding and my second just slipped right in, he was the dream baby and has turned in to such a lovely boy.
It wasn’t too big of an adjustment either, I found it harder going from 0 - 1 than 1-2.

I found it so hard having my second, as a SAHM with two very young kids with me all day, every day. Both terrible sleepers, both fussy babies. Now they are 4 and 2, best friends and so much fun. Still terrible sleepers mind!

So for me, so very hard. But worth it.

I would say it’s wonderful having two. I would also advise a slightly bigger gap. It’s pretty tough on the older one if they’re not very independent yet.

You have to balance this decision between all members of the family.

DC1 had terrible reflux but was a happy easy baby, slept through the night at 12 weeks, hes 4 now and has sleep apnea so is awake several times a night, has asthma and possible adhd.

Dc2 was nicknamed velcro baby because unless she was attached to me in a sling she screamed, wouldnt go to anyone even her dad or my mum for the first 6mths of her life did sleep through at 9 weeks which is the only thing that saved my sanity. Shes now 2 and adores her daddy, goes to nannys house every week for a sleepover and is fiercely independent so just amuses herself mostly.

Dc3 very laid back chilled out baby, shes 17mths now and is a real whirlwind and hasnt slept through the night once.

They are all different but watching them play together and the relationship they have as siblings is so special.

That said im an only child and ive never wished i had siblings or been lonely or any of the other things that people spout about having an only child.

These are all really interesting perspectives!! Thank you!

I am tempted to wait a little to get the toilet training started at least before we attempt no.2? Any thoughts on this? Is toilet training a toddler with a newborn going to be mad think I know the answer on this one but just checking ?

Our son is 7 months and we are ttc number 2.
I doubt there is ever an ideal age.

At what point do people stop counting DCs ages in months??? 25 months??? - so he's 2 then!!!! What are you going to say when he's a month off being 5 years old - 59 months??

All families have very different dynamics. You only have to read this forum to know that.

Siblings make like, loathe or be indifferent to each others, and the age gap may be irrelevant.

Some singletons may love being an only child, some may wish for a sibling - and that doesn't guarantee a good relationship.

If you want another baby, have one, but don't place a burden on it to be something it might not be

I found it easier second time, baby-wise.The bond my boys have has been one of the best things about having kids (4 years apart). They are best friends and have been a joy to watch together. Yes it will cost more and there’s more going on than if you stuck to one, but never regretted it for a second!

Oh my gosh DD (3 months) is completely different to DS (27 months )! She's a much better feeder and sleeper and completely chilled. My DS currently adores her, but I know that probably won't last.

It's hard work having both all day mind you. Could have probably done with DS being a little older to be more independent.

Only said 25 months to clarify he's at the beginning of being 2... not closer to being 3. I.e. less verbal skills, less independent, not potty trained yet. It was only meant to be indicative of this. In general conversation, I say 2. Hope you enjoyed your ride on your high horse there chuttypicks

Of course, all family dynamics are different. I am aware of this. Hence my asking for some different perspectives. My experience of being a sibling is totally different to what my child or children will experience.

It's very interesting to hear that although things are harder with an extra one, there doesn't seem to be that much of a jump having already had one, there's less fear because you've done it once already and overwhelmingly, it seems most of you wouldn't change having a 2nd child.

I definitely wouldn't change having a 2nd. I adore them both but DS1 is tricky in lots of ways that make me feel like a bad parent. DS2 makes me feel better about myself

We potty trained DS1 3 months before DS2 was born (was easy as he was ready). When DS2 was born, DS1 discovered he would immediately have my attention and that Id put the baby down if he said he needed the toilet. So, never any regression or accidents!

Similar age when I conceived my second.

I was nervous because like you is had a very colicky baby. At 2 he was waking maybe 3x a night down from hourly age age 0-18 months but still, I wished he’d sleep better. I was scared a bit of doing it all again but also desperate for a new baby.

So I would say this baby seems easier but it’s hard to be objective. She does still cry a lot in the evenings but I know how to handle it better now (sling sling sling) and because I know it doesn’t last forever I’m not stressed about it. Because my first could never be put down I haven’t even tried it with this one, I just have different expectations. She basically lives in a sling as I play with the older child and is no bother at all!

Older child adapted to it really well, now sleeps through 50% of nights even.

And yes potty train before the second one! Can be during a pregnancy just I think they recommend not at 38 weeks etc!

Dc2 was the best decision we ever made. Dd1 was a pain in the bum (And still is at almost 5) but Dd2 just fitted in. She's given us a few ups and downs too but we were more prepared to deal with them.

There's exactly 3 years between them (give or take 3 days) and they are the best friends.

DS1 was just over 3 when DS2 arrived. I potty trained him literally the month before I was due, thankfully he got it very quickly!

I've found having 2 has been a lot harder than I anticipated. DS1 was a dream baby but has recently been diagnosed with ASD, he really struggled with the new baby. He cried every time the baby cried for months. I had horrendous PND with DS2, I was suicidal at one point and DH had to take time off work to help me. DS2 is turning 1 in a few weeks and things are a bit easier now, although he's still have an awful sleeper, but it's been a bloody long hard year. DS1 really still doesn't like the baby, I can't leave them on their own together for even a few minutes. I'm hoping it'll change once DS2 can actually play with DS1 and not just annoy him! But you never know I guess.

I suppose it depends on what your circumstances are, we never had a second because DD was also a high needs baby (delayed walking and speech), didn't sleep through until she was three.

But other factors were finance - I wouldn't say we were skint when we had her but money was tight. If we had a second, DD definitely wouldn't have got the opportunities she had (sports, clubs etc so lots of interaction there), holidays (rarely abroad though) or the odd dinner out.

We didn't have any family close by other than my brother who I am close with but he works full time and has his own kids. So no family help for childcare - more cost.

Age wasn't on my side either, I was 36 when I had DD and we had to relocate suddenly when she was 4 (chaos, had to make new friends), by that time I was 40.

Fwiw my DD had a very happy childhood, she's 20 and doesn't care if she had a sibling or not.